I think my dh fancies my friend

[fdkc]

Ok this thought is actually taking over my whole life at the moment, I can think of nothing else. I even dream about it. I have a good friend who I became friends with 5 years ago when we moved across the street from her and our kids started playing together. She is a good friend and I enjoy her company. I have noticed over the last year or so that my husband really likes her personality wise which is fine cause she's good fun but what bothers me is he talks about her quite a bit. Just innocent things like "I saw Mary today", "have you heard from Mary lately" and if I have been to her house he'll ask how she is and if she had any news. She is also married.

I don't know whether I am going insane with jealousy because she is very attractive or I actually might have something to worry about. This thought never entered my head for the first few years of our friendship and we actually did alot of couples nights out before COVID. We met a few times in each others gardens during COVID but in the last year as we got back to seeing each other more, I feel my husband is definitely showing more interest in her than he would have done.

So my husband mentions her again last week and I lost it, I went bloody mental like a psycho actually. I don't know what came over me but my insecurities and jealousy took over and I flat out accused him of being obsessed with her, told him he never stops talking about her etc etc. In my defence I had my period. He was gobsmacked, he called me an absolute psycho, obviously denied outright that he fancied her at all. But guess what? I don't believe him. Please lay it out to me straight, am I a jealous psycho?

People say to trust your instincts and my instincts are telling me he fancies the pants off my friend.

Oh and what's worse is she is the biggest flirt in the world. She has always flirted with my husband but she flirts with every other male too. It never bothered me but now I actually hate her over it.

And the worst thing is, even if my dh does fancy her he will probably never admit it and I will never know for sure. It's completely affecting my relationship with my husband and my friend who I now hate even though she did nothing wrong apart from flirt but thats just her personality.

What can I do to put this out of my mind and get some peace back in my life?? And be real with me I can take it.

This.
WTF does your period have to do with it?
I have male friends that I go out with. It doesn't mean I fancy them and my DH would never question it. get over yourself

By flirting you mean playful personality? I generally like people and love to have a good joke/tease with friends, men or women alike. Doesn’t mean I fancy my friends’ husbands. It’s just it’s very hard to be long term friends with someone, especially with kids, and not to be at list a bit friends with their spouses. I don’t know. Find only ugly friends next time. On a serious note, just reduce contact with her if you’re that bothered. After your breakdown, there’s no choice anyway… it’s gonna be awkward.

At least… not list

In my defence I was on my period.

Good God, I thought that we were past people blaming stuff on their period. If a man said "She behaved like that because she in on her period" we would all be furious.

Your aunts advice is shocking I had a friend like that she would not see me if her husband was in the house only at my house or if he was out. But would have other friends round him i thought he had a problem with me until one night he came home early and she actually told me to leave he was absolutely gob smaked and appalled at her doing that to me so it turned out she was jealous of me even being near him I never spoke to her again after that night.
honestly op if your feeling that way towards your friend just end the friendship will be easier on her .

I think it's very disrespectful to flirt with your friends' partners, but if he doesn't flirt back, you really have nothing to worry about from his side. Asking about her occasionally is not really anything to worry about; you have socialised as couples and your children play together. If he really wanted to take up with her, he can walk across the street and invent a pretext to knock.

You need to sincerely apologise to your husband and explain that her flirting has made you anxious, to the point were you are in constant state of alert for him mentioning her. Do not ask him if he fancies her. the answer will be: "no" either way and you'll just keep replaying his words in your head, testing their veracity and reaching all sorts of silly conclusions.

Then you need to stop imagining and policing your husbands inner thoughts. It's invasive and controlling and does you no good.

Then you should cool off your relationship with this woman. She is not your friend.

One of the best thing about being in a relationships is having shared friends and joined lives.

I disagree. We have separate friends.

Am I missing something here? People are saying it's OK to have a crush even when married? I'd hate to think my partner fancied somebody else to me that's cheating with the mind. I don't think he fancies her, maybe does like the attention though. It's hard once in your mind to let it go though.

Fancying people is not a conscious choice though! Any more than you choose to find someone funny, or choose to find them irritating.

@Jamaisy82
And what are people supposed to do? I did have a crush on someone once. It’s a crush, I can’t control it. I didn’t act on it, it went away. No, I didn’t try to go total no contact or behave all weird. I decided to get on with my life and all is fine. Was I supposed to declare my crush, hurt my spouse, based on what? Thoughts? I think 99% of people married long term have crushes. Some act on them, some don’t.

I'm always suspicious of any man who calls their wife a psycho - no matter how irrational or upset you seem. Assuming you don't normally react like this about other women, I would have expected him to be surprised and interested in WHY you think that, rather than get defensive and angry. While it wasn't right that you exploded rather than communicated - you are also human, and a kind partner would want to discuss it rather than write it off as 'psycho'. Pretty sure at work if someone suddenly had an outburst from nowhere he'd be concerned, not accusatory.

Maybe he does have a crush on her. It is likely and not impossible. Your intuition has obv picked up on something. I would just distance myself from her. With time I have learnt that people who need constant validation from the opposite sex to feel secure/happy, are unstable friends. I'm a naturally flirty person but I'm also considerate and empathetic and dial it right down with my friends' partners to avoid them and their partners feeling uncomfortable. As adults we can regulate our behaviour depending on the circumstances and anyone who can' be bothered to, is just hassle in the long run. Only be friends with people you feel comfortable and safe with, if you don't with her, drop her - no need to hold on to something that doesn't serve you anymore.

@MolliciousIntent yes I understand its not something you choose to do I have fancied people in past when I have been in a relationship and felt so guilty. I have never thought it's OK though and just one of those things like some have said.

@Iknowforsure1 yes I agree with you I just mean it's not something that wouldn't hurt and wouldn't just see it as ok. It's very easy to develop a crush. Still hurts though if you found out a partner had a crush on someone.

I laughed aloud at the posters who's relatives thought they could stop a man from cheating or even finding others attractive by 'keeping women away'. I've got news for you 🤣

Oh god op I feel so bad for you and I’m cringing myself inside out at your jealousy and the things you’re saying about her becayse of it, easy, flirting with him etc

and this”In my defence I had my period”. That’s no fucking defense. Get a grip on yourself

yes he fancies her. No she’s likely not flirting just being friendly and no she’s not “easy” wtf is wrong with you you’d say that, every inch of you should be cringing at your jealous desperate self

He is married not dead. He is allowed to fancy someone.

I think it's a bit weird that he only sees you and goes to work? Does he not socialise or have any hobbies?

What do you think fancying someone is, exactly? Do you have a different definition to the rest of us? Otherwise, I’m not seeing how this would work.

People find people other than their partner attractive every day. That doesn’t mean they would ever dream of cheating. Fancying people is not ‘cheating with the mind’. It’s normal, healthy and natural.

I’m extremely happily married. I fancy Jamie Dornan, Idris Elba and the man in our local shop. DH has a massive crush on Beyoncé. None of this infringes on our deep and abiding love, trust and respect for each other. The very idea that it would is extremely strange to me. As is the desire to police another person’s thoughts in that way.

I am pretty sure my partner has a crush on a woman he met at the gym. She also has a child 8 the same year as our youngest DS they often wait together at pick up time.

He mentions her a lot but I am 99.9% certain nothing has happened. I think she fancies him too, we know each other a bit from our late teens.

I handle it by taking the Mickey about her and him. I figure it takes away the mystique and makes it va little ridiculous. I was told recently that her and her husband don't have a TV, so whenever he is watching his favourite programmes I remind him that if he runs off with 'Short legs Rita' (not her name), I will have the wide screen telly to share with my younger lover, or perhaps Jason Momoa.

I used to be very jealous, and had reason to be, but now I don't worry, If he is going to be unfaithful he will, and he will also be out on his ear.

And I have a huge crush on the chap we buy our organic beef from!

I do find the "mention-itis" thing very weird. I have had several crushes and have come close to acting on them, but have kept very quiet about those people to my partner. I have specifically and carefully NOT mentioned them. Why would you mention someone a lot who is a threat to your relationship?

These comments are fascinating. How do people live like this? All this jealousy and anxiety must be exhausting. Never let another woman in the house? What the actual fuck? 😂

Sooo, the only reason the man in question isn’t cheating is the lack of proximity to other women? What about when he goes outside? Is he blindfolded? Is he allowed to work with women? Walk past them in the street?

I don't mean to be rude but I think the above is a ridiculous statement.

Of course she can control it.

She is just a really rude, badly behaved woman who doesn't have an ounce of respect for herself or her friends.

Ditch her.

It sounds like he’s mentioned her two or three times in a year. Most recently after both of them having seen her for the first time in ages. It all seems very reasonable.

@Cherchezlaspice true, I fancy Leonardo di caprio but I'm never gonna have a chance. I suppose it's just when it's someone you see each day and is a friend its different as its closer to home and easier for a connection or an affair to be had. I think as long as that line is not crossed. Its fine to find other people attractive etc.