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Original poster

My partner is benefitting from me financially

228 replies

Summerrr · 14/08/2022 23:51

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some imparcial advice as to be honest I feel lost and I'm getting depressed.

When I met my partner, I bought a tiny flat and after a while I asked him to move in. We agreed that he won't be paying rent so he can save money towards a deposit so perhaps we could buy something bigger together.

Pre-history. He owns a house where his ex and children live in. The ex is refusing to sell the house, lives with someone else and no one pays mortgage so the house is in debt (my partner stopped paying when he moved out). As a result his credit rating is very bad.

He contributes around £600 as a child maintenance and has ongoing battle through courts in order to see his children (mother denies access out of spite so authorities very concerned).

So coming back to our life together - he has been living in my house rent free for over 5 years. He contributes towards electricity and food shopping whilst I cover the mortgage and other quite big charges. During my maternity leave, my maternity pay wasnt enough to cover the mortgage so I had to top it with my savings.

He had debts so he had to pay those first. The legal costs regarding children was around £20K since I've known him and plus he pays child maintenance. Whatever is left, he wants to save.

In the beginning I really wanted to help him but I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of? I only work part time because we had a child together so I just barely cover my mortgage and other bills. Whereas he earns a good salary at the moment - we haven't been on holiday, we don't own a car, the furniture at home is mine...

I just feel I don't have a life on my own as the main focus is about his previous life (ex, unsold house, children). When I was working full time, I had a good salary and could afford to travel but now, since I work part time, I'm a low earner. As a higher earner he needs to support another family and save towards a deposit as he wants to own his house. However, his current house won't be sold for some time, and he can't get his share out.

I just feel his situation has caused me ongoing stress for 5 years and I've been very empathetic but I just don't feel like myself anymore. I live somebody's past life...and I just don't see the way out. Please help!

Thanks,

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 14/08/2022 23:57

Aw this sounds so awful. When are you going back full time?

The reality is he is sponging off you to support his other family. You might be OK with that if he has no entitlement to your home.

OnTheVergeOfABreakdown · 14/08/2022 23:59

I'd split up with him. He sounds like a complete parasite. You'd probably be better off financially without having to carry him

oviraptor21 · 15/08/2022 00:01

He needs to get a court order to get his house sold.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 15/08/2022 00:02

Oh wow. Sounds like you’re taking the brunt of the financial burden of every day life. It’s not ok that he’s saving money while you are using your savings to cover his slice of the mortgage/bills.

I think you need to start prioritising yourself and have a serious conversation with him
about him paying his share. I assume as he pays £600 a month childcare he is a fairly high earner.

cestlavielife · 15/08/2022 00:03

You choose to work part time.? Why?
You choose to let him l ive rent free and pay ???

go full time he pays 50 % child care costs

Or
Separate
Claim child maintenamce
But Work full time

EmergencyHepNeeded · 15/08/2022 00:03

This man is a complete and utter parasite. I would get rid of him as fast as I could.

BrieAndChilli · 15/08/2022 00:03

Bit late now but all of this should have been considered and discussed before you had a child with him!
if he’s in mortgage arrears then there’s now way you are going to be buying a house with him for a very long time u til all the current financial issues are sorted and then 6 years after that to drop off the credit rating!
he does have a financial obligation to his existing kids and rightly so is trying to obtain some access/custody.
really you need to be dealing with Finances jointly - paying his child maintenance comes out of that but then you current bills are then jointly paid and what ever is left is joint spending for your child/family stuff.

TetrisRetr000 · 15/08/2022 00:04

Go back to work FT
You & him split the cost of child care
Is he still married to his ex ? Or never married ?

Original poster
Summerrr · 15/08/2022 00:04

I work part time by choice because by the time I pay off childcare, I wouldn't have much left. I don't think he'd make a claim regarding my property but who knows. When he moved it, I wanted to sign him something but he got offended and we had an argument about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerrr · 15/08/2022 00:06

We have no costs of childcare, well, I'm at loss because I work part time so we can save on childcare. No, he has never been married

OP posts:
Canabelievethis · 15/08/2022 00:06

He should be contributing equally to your relationship and child, not taking the chance to under pay and save money. Those savings should be going in a joint pot. No wonder you feel used.
Sit down and ralk about all this with him. If he can't see your POV then move on.

Dotcheck · 15/08/2022 00:07

Was he married?
Are you saying that no one has paid the mortgage on his house for 5 years, and the bank hasn’t foreclosed?

Apart from the child support, what does he spend his money on?

Italianmamami · 15/08/2022 00:10

I’m sorry…. He’s saving for a deposit for his own house. So even though you have a child together he is planning on moving out? He sounds charming and is a total sponger. Bin him, You deserve so much more

cestlavielife · 15/08/2022 00:11

You both cover the childcare
You tell him you dont waNt to lose pension contrubutions etc and are working full time from now
He pays the childcare costs 50 50 or goes part time himself to look after baby
Why are you losing your income?

cestlavielife · 15/08/2022 00:14

He saves money
You lose income by going part time
So
Instead of him saving that money goes to childcare costs shared between you
You work full time
You protect your income your pension and your property

Yeehaww · 15/08/2022 00:16

This loser cocklodger must be good looking

Original poster
Summerrr · 15/08/2022 00:18

The bank keeps threatening to sell the house but the ex pays in £100 and it resets the process for 12 months again. It's quite messy, it's going to the court now but the ex hasn't turned up and refusing to sign anything as she always lived there for free. It shouldn't be my problem but its kind of is....

Initially, we were thinking of buying a house together...but his last really affected me. Everyone deserves another chance and I never wanted to pay him for my property as I wanted to keep this as something I bought myself prior to meeting him. I worked hard and had no help from anyone

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerrr · 15/08/2022 00:18

Hahaha...he is not bad looking actually!

OP posts:
ThirtyThreeTrees · 15/08/2022 00:20

You wanted him to sign something before he moved in and he got offended????? Red flag, this was the warning sign and you ignored it.

Get legal advice and minimise the potential claim he could have on your property.

InTheFridge · 15/08/2022 00:22

I love my DP of 4 years very much. He pays 50% of the mortgage of his ex (the exes) home. They have 3 children together, 2 of which are SEN. I Love him more for this. They have life insurance on each other, which I fully support.

Either support his kids and responsibilities or get out. Kids come first

JudyGemstone · 15/08/2022 00:24

My partner lives in my house without paying rent (he pays half the utilities and almost all food), when I remortgaged the company made him sign a doc saying he had no claim on the property. So hopefully this will be unavoidable for him soon.

i wouldn’t buy a house with someone with such a bad credit rating. Carry on doing you and let him sort his own shit out.

SarahAndQuack · 15/08/2022 00:25

Wow. He sounds a prince.

The way you explain it, the financial agreement you had was so he could save towards a deposit, which was to be for the both of you.

He hasn't been able to do that. Fine, some of his reasons may be things he can't change (eg. debt) or things he must do (eg., supporting his children). But the basic fact is that you thought he wasn't paying rent because he was saving up to make your joint life better. If that's not happening, the things need to change.

Have you ever had a chat about where his 'savings' towards the deposit have gone? Would you be able, say, to suggest he uses those sayings - which were for the two of you - to pay his share of bills? If he then has to confess he has no savings, then at least you know where you are.

Personally, I think you should call his bluff by saying you want to work full time as you are worried about the loss of pension contributions, and you're ok with him using the savings he had as deposit or your house. If he then has to admit he has no savings, then he needs to explain how on earth him saving all this money hasn't been stealing from you.

Longdistance · 15/08/2022 00:26

Get rid. He’s a complete leech. He hasn’t even divorced properly as it sounds like the financial settlement hasn’t been completed and you’re pg by him and carrying the can financially. No thank you!

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 15/08/2022 00:27

InTheFridge · 15/08/2022 00:22

I love my DP of 4 years very much. He pays 50% of the mortgage of his ex (the exes) home. They have 3 children together, 2 of which are SEN. I Love him more for this. They have life insurance on each other, which I fully support.

Either support his kids and responsibilities or get out. Kids come first

What about their joint child though? He needs to support that child too.

Yeehaww · 15/08/2022 00:28

Only Good looking men can become cocklodgers.

A 6/10 like myself would never get that opportunity