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Original poster

My partner is benefitting from me financially

228 replies

Summerrr · 14/08/2022 23:51

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some imparcial advice as to be honest I feel lost and I'm getting depressed.

When I met my partner, I bought a tiny flat and after a while I asked him to move in. We agreed that he won't be paying rent so he can save money towards a deposit so perhaps we could buy something bigger together.

Pre-history. He owns a house where his ex and children live in. The ex is refusing to sell the house, lives with someone else and no one pays mortgage so the house is in debt (my partner stopped paying when he moved out). As a result his credit rating is very bad.

He contributes around £600 as a child maintenance and has ongoing battle through courts in order to see his children (mother denies access out of spite so authorities very concerned).

So coming back to our life together - he has been living in my house rent free for over 5 years. He contributes towards electricity and food shopping whilst I cover the mortgage and other quite big charges. During my maternity leave, my maternity pay wasnt enough to cover the mortgage so I had to top it with my savings.

He had debts so he had to pay those first. The legal costs regarding children was around £20K since I've known him and plus he pays child maintenance. Whatever is left, he wants to save.

In the beginning I really wanted to help him but I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of? I only work part time because we had a child together so I just barely cover my mortgage and other bills. Whereas he earns a good salary at the moment - we haven't been on holiday, we don't own a car, the furniture at home is mine...

I just feel I don't have a life on my own as the main focus is about his previous life (ex, unsold house, children). When I was working full time, I had a good salary and could afford to travel but now, since I work part time, I'm a low earner. As a higher earner he needs to support another family and save towards a deposit as he wants to own his house. However, his current house won't be sold for some time, and he can't get his share out.

I just feel his situation has caused me ongoing stress for 5 years and I've been very empathetic but I just don't feel like myself anymore. I live somebody's past life...and I just don't see the way out. Please help!

Thanks,

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 15/08/2022 07:37

No, something stinks here, OP. I don't believe for a second that a bank will accept £100 a year for five years instead of a mortgage. And if he's truly not paying for a mortgage in his name and hasn't for five years, good luck to him buying a house in the future. Unless of course he's socking so much away by living rent free with you that he can buy one outright with cash, which might well come true with the amount he must be saving off your back.

Oh, and the evil ex denies him access to his children, the poor stricken father! The authorities are SO concerned! Lucky he never marries any of the mothers of his kids...

This is all bollocks and I almost have to admire his game. He's a good earner but he's contributing jack and committing to jack and it's gone on for five years. As a PP said, I guess he must be good looking....

NewYorkLassie · 15/08/2022 07:38

Oh OP you’ve been taken for an absolute mug.

What did you agree financially when you agreed to have a child with him?

Why does this man keep having children with women he has no intention of marrying/supporting properly?

Get rid now before your child starts to grow up thinking it’s ok for women to be treated like this.

RedHelenB · 15/08/2022 07:39

None of this is making any sense. If it is an interest only mortgage then the bank will be more likely to foreclose as there will be less likelihood of them getting any money. Also, no way would your partner get a penny from it. So forget the house.
Concentrate on the money you have coming in now. How can you best make that work for the future?

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 15/08/2022 07:44

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 15/08/2022 07:14

I've got a friend who got married without knowing how much her husband earned. She still didn't know years later when he left for someone else. She got engaged to someone else who moved in, still didn't know what he earned, still didn't by the time that relationship ended. He gave her £360 a month. She did find bank statements showing he had several thousand pounds in the bank.

She was terrified of these basic conversations.

Your friend is an idiot. Does she know what her current partner earns or is she still an idiot?

Like everyone else op, I don't believe what this man is telling you, for the reasons everyone else has given. Not sure how you do to be honest, you own a house, you were told what would happen if you don't pay your mortgage. How golden is this guy's dick that you believe his lies?

Rewis · 15/08/2022 07:47

So he says "let's sell the house" and ex says "nope" and he says "well, I won't pay to mortgage" and she says "me neither" and then everyone loves happily ever after. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that.

Ragwort · 15/08/2022 07:48

Did you sleep walk into this situation? I just can't believe how naive some women are - were you so desperate for a baby that you ignored all the red flags?

Sswhinesthebest · 15/08/2022 07:52

What is the point of him saving if he won’t be able to get a mortgage. Those savings should be joint savings!

oviraptor21 · 15/08/2022 07:56

Things did slow down a bit in covid so if the ex did play even small amounts in I can see that it might have dragged out this long.
It's not clear though whether the house is now being repossessed or whether your -soon to be ex- DP has got a court order to sell. One of the two needs to happen as quickly as possible, preferably the latter.

InquiringMinds · 15/08/2022 07:58

@Summerrr please listen to everyone who is telling you to separate.

I was in a situation like yours for three years. I ended up unable to pay my own mortgage and my savings ran dry, all due to my ex partner. I ended up bankrupt. I left him and he moved onto another woman with savings and who had her own home.

His best friend kept me informed out of respect. Men like them never change. You need to kick him out and if you feel you cannot do it alone, get two friends to come round when you do or ask for a mediator to be with you.

Your partner is an arse to put it mildly, the fact that he wants to save some of his own money when he is so much in debt is not on!

Sending strength your way OP. You are not alone.

bcc89 · 15/08/2022 07:59

This man moved out of his old home, but stopped paying the mortgage - presumably he's just an idiot who doesn't know that when you've made a financial commitment, you need to honour it, whether you break up with your partner or not. You don't just move out and refuse to pay, especially if your kids live there.

Of course I'm sure he says it's all the exes fault, ongoing custody battles, spiteful, not the fact that he's a blatant cocklodger.

He's really landed on his feet with you!

Watchkeys · 15/08/2022 08:05

What would happen if you told him what you've told us, @Summerrr ? That you've had enough, that the situation is draining you, that you feel you're living his past life instead of your own current one?

What's made you come to a forum to talk about this rather than going to him?

Butterfly44 · 15/08/2022 08:08

You're not married you so he has no claim on your house. He has a house already. He needs to sort that out.

RealBecca · 15/08/2022 08:10

Sorry darling but I think you've been given the full script.

What do you think he would tell a future partner about you if you become an ex? That you were really supportive and let him live rent free for 5 years? I'd be very interested in his ex version and I doubt he has any significant savings. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

I suspect you know something is off which is why you are here because when you talk to him he talks you in circles until you doubt yourself.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2022 08:16

He's is absolutely spongeing off you.

End it now and save what money you have left.

Don't spend a penny more. He has taken you for an absolute fool. Stop it NOW.

CalistoNoSolo · 15/08/2022 08:16

This is an absolute mess, and it's of your own making. You've allowed yourself to be completely exploited and now you are tied to this loser for ever. I suggest you kick him out, claim fir child maintenance and go back to full time. You have been incredibly foolish and naive up until now, are you going to continue in the same way?

WTF475878237NC · 15/08/2022 08:20

One of two things is happening here.

a) he's paying the mortgage and taking you for a mug

b) he's saving up a nice best egg for himself and you'll never see a penny of it

Treabrea · 15/08/2022 08:22

Oooh it's ticking loads of boxes on my cocklodger bingo scorecard.

Get yourself back working full time, find a good childcare and boot him out. Make sure you claim for CMS but don't be surprised when he stops seeing your child and you suddenly become a nightmare ex who doesn't let him see the kiddiwinks....

Eunorition · 15/08/2022 08:29

You had a flat and an income and the great gift of independence... And you invited in a man with debts, kids he never sees and 'a crazy ex'. Who's probably lovely. She probably got sick of him leeching off her too.

ChrisTrepidation · 15/08/2022 08:31

This man is lying about everything except his shoe size.

I would not believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Kick the sponging parasite out. A partner is supposed to add value to your life, not drain your soul.

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 08:34

The situation with the other house doesn’t add up.

i would be asking why a court order to force a sale of the house hasn’t been made, also if his expartner was in the other house why didn’t he have his name removed from the mortgage?

none if it adds up

ReneBumsWombats · 15/08/2022 08:35

What kind of woman do you think he'll go for once you get rid of him? And how long do you think it'll take?

Therealjudgejudy · 15/08/2022 08:37

He is a lying parasite.

butterflied · 15/08/2022 08:38

These men must have magic cocks.

You've let yourself be taken for a mug. Time to stop that.

Fairyliz · 15/08/2022 08:42

Warning to young women do not have children with a man who already has children with a previous partner, unless he is a multi millionaire.
Realistically who earns enough to support two households? So you end up with two families struggling and unhappy plus poor kids being shunted between two households.

Lmf685 · 15/08/2022 08:42

He seems very responsible ... So he has a house, ex and children and pays maintenance for his kids (the ones that live with his ex). How many kids does he have it costs £600 a month ... thats more like an amount for a monthly mortgage. Theres something deeper going on here. He is prob been blackmailed to pay the mortgage by his ex so he can see his kids and he says its actually maintenance for the kids.

If the debt of the mortgage is right, then its a lie and I would not get a mortgage with this man. Whats to stop him walking out and doing it again to you and your child ? then your stuck with a mortgage you prob couldnt pay alone. Look after yourself, its horrible to have to be like this but i would be very wary of this man and his lack of ability to be responsible with finances. after 5 years you should be asking to see his bank statements etc to actually see what hes saved because i wouldnt be surprised if theres nothing in that account.