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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is benefitting from me financially

228 replies

Summerrr · 14/08/2022 23:51

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some imparcial advice as to be honest I feel lost and I'm getting depressed.

When I met my partner, I bought a tiny flat and after a while I asked him to move in. We agreed that he won't be paying rent so he can save money towards a deposit so perhaps we could buy something bigger together.

Pre-history. He owns a house where his ex and children live in. The ex is refusing to sell the house, lives with someone else and no one pays mortgage so the house is in debt (my partner stopped paying when he moved out). As a result his credit rating is very bad.

He contributes around £600 as a child maintenance and has ongoing battle through courts in order to see his children (mother denies access out of spite so authorities very concerned).

So coming back to our life together - he has been living in my house rent free for over 5 years. He contributes towards electricity and food shopping whilst I cover the mortgage and other quite big charges. During my maternity leave, my maternity pay wasnt enough to cover the mortgage so I had to top it with my savings.

He had debts so he had to pay those first. The legal costs regarding children was around £20K since I've known him and plus he pays child maintenance. Whatever is left, he wants to save.

In the beginning I really wanted to help him but I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of? I only work part time because we had a child together so I just barely cover my mortgage and other bills. Whereas he earns a good salary at the moment - we haven't been on holiday, we don't own a car, the furniture at home is mine...

I just feel I don't have a life on my own as the main focus is about his previous life (ex, unsold house, children). When I was working full time, I had a good salary and could afford to travel but now, since I work part time, I'm a low earner. As a higher earner he needs to support another family and save towards a deposit as he wants to own his house. However, his current house won't be sold for some time, and he can't get his share out.

I just feel his situation has caused me ongoing stress for 5 years and I've been very empathetic but I just don't feel like myself anymore. I live somebody's past life...and I just don't see the way out. Please help!

Thanks,

OP posts:
Dwrcegin · 14/10/2022 21:51

at some point he told me to buy my own food, even lately, he got angry, I took HIS milk

He is taking the piss. He's been living off you but won't spare you 'his' milk!

You've told him to leave. Ask the police for advice and (if he still refuses to leave) help escorting him from the house.

jewishmum · 14/10/2022 22:13

Summerrr · 14/10/2022 21:16

I think it would be a bit harsh to call a police. The police would only get involved if there was violence. I think he is not staying here for me, he truly loves our child, that's why he isn't leaving.

But he was gone for good 9 months during lockdown as we had a huge argument, and couple of weeks some other time, but this time is different.

I guess he is working on his own plan what to do next - 2 failed relationships and children with 2 women, it must be hard to accept.

NOT TRUE I've had a non violent ex refuse to leave my house that he was living in for free and the police were more than happy to show up and escort him out.

It's frustrating reading your posts because it reminds me of what an idiot I used to be.

JustKittenAround · 15/10/2022 01:29

You need to start whatever formal process there is no o get this man out of your house… it is telling that he STILL isn’t prepared to be a man and a partner by paying how own way. Men who leech off of women are the most ick inducing types around…. He is useless to you unless he can show that he care for you and your happiness, while at the same time having basic integrity.

He needs to hit the road. Tell him to take HIS MILK and go …

My god he is so unattractive I struggle to think how you could lay with a man like this… I don’t know how many boxes of wine it must have took to get you to do it!!! Just eewww! His presence in your home actually takes away from your life, he adds NOTHING

JustKittenAround · 15/10/2022 01:34

Lots of typos but I think you understand… hard to type when I am shaking with the ick of this leech. How does he even look in the mirror?!?

He had FIVE years to save some money. Where is that?!? If he couldn’t save anything in FIVE years then that’s that. Gravy train ticket is maxed out.

Never let a man do this to you again. Never EVER pay for someone until they prove themselves fully and completely. It’s not your job to make him worthy of you, that’s HIS job and he isn’t going to do it! You deserve a partner who has his crap together and doesn’t need to leech off of you to move forward in life.

ladies throw men like this right back. They are not ready for you and they never will be if you do all the work for them.

UserError012345 · 15/10/2022 04:46

I think it would be a bit harsh to call a police. The police would only get involved if there was violence. I think he is not staying here for me, he truly loves our child, that's why he isn't leaving.

No he's not leaving because he has nowhere else to go & no money. Don't believe the sob story.

losingit31 · 15/10/2022 04:54

Sounds like you need to get legal advice for how to remove him from the property - I know it sounds harsh but it's a toxic environment and it's not good for any of you, especially your child. He's not on the deeds or mortgage and you're not married so my understanding is that he has no right to live there.

Maze76 · 15/10/2022 06:27

He’s emotionally and mentally abusive- get the police involved, trust me do it sooner rather than later.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/10/2022 09:29

Summerrr · 14/10/2022 21:16

I think it would be a bit harsh to call a police. The police would only get involved if there was violence. I think he is not staying here for me, he truly loves our child, that's why he isn't leaving.

But he was gone for good 9 months during lockdown as we had a huge argument, and couple of weeks some other time, but this time is different.

I guess he is working on his own plan what to do next - 2 failed relationships and children with 2 women, it must be hard to accept.

You don't need to have violence to involve the police.

You have asked that man to leave & he is continuing to completely take the piss by not complying.

Why do you tolerate that level of disrespect? IT IS YOUR HOME & ONLY YOU GET TO SAY WHO CAN BE IN IT.

Ring them today, explain you have an unwelcome 'guest' who is refusing to leave, & have him removed. It really is that simple. You don't need his permission to finish with him, you don't need his agreement to leave to get him out.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/10/2022 09:31

losingit31 · 15/10/2022 04:54

Sounds like you need to get legal advice for how to remove him from the property - I know it sounds harsh but it's a toxic environment and it's not good for any of you, especially your child. He's not on the deeds or mortgage and you're not married so my understanding is that he has no right to live there.

Here's all the 'legal advice' OP needs:

  1. ring her local cop shop
  2. explain abusive ex refusing to leave her property
  3. cops turn up & remove him. Sorted.
CaptainMum · 15/10/2022 13:36

You have been taken advantage of. What a sponger and waste of space. Imagine what your financial position and lifestyle could have been like if he hadn't infiltrated your life. Bigger house, married, kids, joint money, holidays. He has not only had his cake and eaten it, but stolen some of yours too, by getting you pregnant and now with childcare responsibilities and reduced earning. As well as the opportunity to meet someone who could contribute to your life emotionally and combine incomes. Get angry, rather than consider his plans. His plan will be to move on to woman #3, probably have more kids too. There's being 'nice' and empathetic, then there's being foolish and a mug.

Fraaahnces · 15/10/2022 13:40

Just pack his shit up, put it outside and change the locks. It’s YOUR house!

Whitney168 · 15/10/2022 13:47

Knickers was his sister's. His mum did washing when he was visiting after swimming pool with our daughter and got mixed up.

Good grief, surely no one would believe this … ? However, it’s the least of the worries really.

JulesCobb · 15/10/2022 13:56

op, he knows his free loving life is over. He sounds like he describes the ex. I bet he doesnt have a penny in savings. you cannot back down. You need to get him out. He was angry over milk and now he knows the relationship is over, he could become a threat to you.

thenewduchessoflapland · 15/10/2022 14:05

Time for the cocklodger to leave.

It's your house and you're not married.

Give him a day and time to leave;if he won't go call the police.

elephantseal · 15/10/2022 15:21

Call the police. He has NO reason to be in your house, the cocklodger.

Good luck.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2022 15:44

If you want him to leave, he has to leave. He has no right to stay. He could apply to court to stay temporarily. However, seeing as there seems to be some kind of financial abuse, which is a type of coercive control, I don’t think he’d get terribly far. So yes, please press the police button. It is not the nuclear option. It is the right thing to do. Furthermore, by not leaving, he is controlling you and it sounds as if he is controlling you in other ways. Controlling behaviour is a type of abuse. You will undoubtedly better off as he will have to provide maintenance for your joint dc.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/10/2022 16:40

He could apply to court to stay temporarily.

He can no more do this than I could apply to court, demanding that OP house me.
Should he even get as far as an application, it will be laughed at & rejected.
He has NO RIGHTS to cocklodge stay in OP's home.

altmember · 15/10/2022 21:02

You knew his circumstances when you let him move in. You knew they hadn't improved when you decided to have a child with him. So you can't really be surprised at how thing have planned out.

He didn't need a solicitor for family court, it's quite possible to self represent (and you often get a more favourable result that way as well). 20k on legal fees and still no contact with his kids? That was money down the drain unfortunately.

FamilyLife2point4 · 10/02/2023 14:45

£600 maintenance for one kid when there’s no rent / mortgage being paid - this seems steep given this countries average for CMS.

My honest advice (and from my previous threads, posters will agree this is not usually my take on things, but) get him to stop paying maintenance, given they are living rent / mortgage free (consider the £600 as the mortgage - and save it up in a separate account for the child).
I imagine the house sale will happen quite quickly - as maintenance will resume once house is sold, hell it’s getting saved up waiting for the day ……

Original poster
Summerrr · 10/02/2023 19:39

He has finally moved out. Towards the end the situation was really hostile.

I feel relieved.

Needless to say, our daughter is suffering. All she wants to see is her Daddy. He comes to visit and has her for a weekend. I'm exhausted working and doing school run and pick up and hence feel angry all the time.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 10/02/2023 20:05

Oh I feel for you and your child. Well done. What a horrible experience.

Naunet · 11/02/2023 09:27

Summerrr · 10/02/2023 19:39

He has finally moved out. Towards the end the situation was really hostile.

I feel relieved.

Needless to say, our daughter is suffering. All she wants to see is her Daddy. He comes to visit and has her for a weekend. I'm exhausted working and doing school run and pick up and hence feel angry all the time.

Good to hear he’s gone OP. I hope you’re claiming child support?

Your daughter will adjust, just give it a little time. You’ve done the right thing so be proud of yourself!

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 11/02/2023 11:35

Summerrr · 10/02/2023 19:39

He has finally moved out. Towards the end the situation was really hostile.

I feel relieved.

Needless to say, our daughter is suffering. All she wants to see is her Daddy. He comes to visit and has her for a weekend. I'm exhausted working and doing school run and pick up and hence feel angry all the time.

He needs to do some actually parenting as well as weekend dad fun time free time. He should be having her in the week too.

emptythelitterbox · 11/02/2023 12:19

Well done in getting rid if that parasite.

AgentJohnson · 11/02/2023 16:10

Oh dear, you’ve bought into him being a victim, rather than just lazy. Him not paying the mortgage has ruined his credit rating, why didn’t he get a court order to get the place sold? Essentially, you’ve enabled him taking the financial piss. Just like his Ex felt entitled that your leech of a partner take financial responsibility for her, he’s decided that you should take up his financial slack.

You really didn’t think through your dream of him financially contributing to a future joint property. Him paying you a fair rent is not the same of contributing to your mortgage. The first rule of not being taken for a mug, is not act like one. He needs to start pulling his financially weight or he is free to live ‘rent free’ somewhere else.

Circumstance didn’t make him act this way, his character did.