My partner is benefitting from me financially

[Summerrr]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some imparcial advice as to be honest I feel lost and I'm getting depressed.

When I met my partner, I bought a tiny flat and after a while I asked him to move in. We agreed that he won't be paying rent so he can save money towards a deposit so perhaps we could buy something bigger together.

Pre-history. He owns a house where his ex and children live in. The ex is refusing to sell the house, lives with someone else and no one pays mortgage so the house is in debt (my partner stopped paying when he moved out). As a result his credit rating is very bad.

He contributes around £600 as a child maintenance and has ongoing battle through courts in order to see his children (mother denies access out of spite so authorities very concerned).

So coming back to our life together - he has been living in my house rent free for over 5 years. He contributes towards electricity and food shopping whilst I cover the mortgage and other quite big charges. During my maternity leave, my maternity pay wasnt enough to cover the mortgage so I had to top it with my savings.

He had debts so he had to pay those first. The legal costs regarding children was around £20K since I've known him and plus he pays child maintenance. Whatever is left, he wants to save.

In the beginning I really wanted to help him but I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of? I only work part time because we had a child together so I just barely cover my mortgage and other bills. Whereas he earns a good salary at the moment - we haven't been on holiday, we don't own a car, the furniture at home is mine...

I just feel I don't have a life on my own as the main focus is about his previous life (ex, unsold house, children). When I was working full time, I had a good salary and could afford to travel but now, since I work part time, I'm a low earner. As a higher earner he needs to support another family and save towards a deposit as he wants to own his house. However, his current house won't be sold for some time, and he can't get his share out.

I just feel his situation has caused me ongoing stress for 5 years and I've been very empathetic but I just don't feel like myself anymore. I live somebody's past life...and I just don't see the way out. Please help!

Thanks,

Also kick him out he has lived for free for 5 years then put a claim in for CMS..

Yes, he has to pay for it. OP doesn't. The reality of getting into a relationship with someone who has money issues isn't that you take on their money issues.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron he found me and his ex online through mutual friends. And his latest via a dating app. We were all idiots posting pics of life at home. He wanted what we had and as one of his now estranged friends said, he looked for beautiful homes worth money. It angers me so much as neither myself nor his other ex were born with money. We worked hard and saved everything we could, making sacrifices along the way. My late Dad was an accountant and drummed this into my head to sacrifice and save. I am still not out of the financial nightmare my ex left me in, but I am getting there slowly. I deleted my social media after that. Yes, I was an idiot doing what many do, but I learned the hard way. I just hope that this OP has the strength to move on asap. Men like that never change.

He does have to pay for his previous family, its just unfortunately he seems to think paying for his previous family means he doesn't need to pay for his new family.

And that is not necessarily the reality of getting into a relationship with someone with existing children, but all too often it is, as shown on MN on a frequent basis.

You are right that he needs to sell the house, and he needs to stop having children he cannot afford to have.

I agree with the pp who said go back to work full time, get him to sort the childcare in his name and transfer him your half.

then get him out.

I don't understand why he didn't force the sale? My brother had to continue paying his mortgage on their house whilst his ex wife lived in it for free until the sale was forced she prolonged it for as long as possible as she knew she got her % of the equity. Just stopping paying a mortgage your name is on is completely foolish even if your ex is living there effectively for free, not only have you lost any equity you've trashed your credit rating.

I'd get rid of this man, of course people have a past etc but this is ruining your life when it isn't your problem. Claim child maintenance and return to work ft.

He's a cocklodger and parasite. Please get rid of him

My partner is also benefitting from me financially for the short term but it is an entirely different situation where he has managed to find alternative ways to try and make up for what he is not able to financially contribute.
I owned my house as joint mortgage with ExH. When we split and he moved out he refused to pay a penny for a house he wasn't living in and moved back to his dad's rent free. I took on all the costs for the house,selling possessions to make up shortfalls etc and ended up pretty much using up all of my savings over a period of time to top up the payments.
Met my current partner 8 months after splitting from ExH. For context I am a primary school teacher, partner was working at a bar. When he moved in we sat down and worked out what he could afford to contribute each month after his essential outgoings (maintenance payments for his daughter, travel to and from work, debt repayments - all of which come from him stupidly taking out crisis loans/defaulting on payments on behalf of exes who expected him to fund their lifestyles on his less than average wage, whilst claiming benefits of their own). He has always been very honest with me about his financial situation and also agreed with no hesitation to sign the solicitors docs stating he has no interest in my property (this was as part of my divorce paperwork/buying my ExH out of his share of the house).
We have now got 2 small children together as well as 50/50 coparenting of his daughter who is now in school so no more maintenance (was going towards half of nursery fees). I work full time as our main earner. Because his working hours allow (Wed-Sat nights), he is our childcare for Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday while taking care of school runs, all major housework and cooking on those days. My p/t working mom has the girls on Thursday/Friday daytime and when he wakes up after his night shift he runs the hoover round and does any big jobs and gets dinner on the go. I finish off any remaining housework after the girls are in bed and he has gone to work. He is also currently self studying for a cyber security qualification to get himself a better job so he can contribute more equally and we can start to forward plan a bit more in terms of savings (holidays and wedding on the horizon).

From your OP, a few things jump out at me.

1. He is clearly willing to put himself under great financial disadvantage out of spite towards his ex.
2. He got angry (!) when it was suggested that you protect your financial investments from his lack of financial care.
3. He is not open with you (actually quite secretive it seems) about his financial situation which impacts on you both as well as your shared children and puts you at risk.
4. There doesn't seem to be any plan for how this balance shifts in the future or will be managed.
5. You are clearly unhappy/dissatisfied with the current situation- do you feel you can safely approach this with him as a discussion? If not then you need to question whether someone you cannot have an open honest conversation with is someone you really want to stay with.

Sorry my previous post was for @burnoutbabe

@Summerrr i have to be honest, it sounds like you don’t trust this man has you and your family at the centre of his life and is unlikely to do so anytime soon. In addition to that, it sounds like he’s not been able to manage his financial situation generally. Do you really love and trust this man? Or do you feel there’s a high probability he’s going to let you down badly?

As for the OP

Yes sure he pays his ex £600 a month!

what a car crash. And as ever it would seem, multiple utterly innocent children dragged in to the shit show that are their primary care givers lives

This.

Tbh you were daft enough to tie yourself to him by having a child when he still had ties financially to another woman and her house.

It just is not true that £100 would stave off repossession and 'reset' proceedings regardless of whether you had the Waltons living with you.
Something is amiss and someone isn't being truthful.

I would look up your credit rating score with Experian, Equifax, TransUnion and Crediva.

Then ensure that your partner shows you his credit rating score.

Then you will get to see what his ‘debts’ really are….if indeed he even has any.

FWIW I reckon he’s been paying the mortgage on the house with his ex all this time.

Alarm bells, I would run.
An extremely abusive man in my past relationship did this.

You're not working full-time because most of your salary would be used for childcare? Why is he not paying his half for childcare??

Why oh why do women get themselves into this mess?

Just tell him, things have changed so you need more rent money from him. You cannot continue as you are.

I'm really sorry.

Pre-history. He owns a house where his ex and children live in. The ex is refusing to sell the house, lives with someone else and no one pays mortgage so the house is in debt (my partner stopped paying when he moved out). As a result his credit rating is very bad.
He's bullshitting you.
If he is on the deeds of the house, he is able to sell it.
There is no legal way his ex can "refuse".

He is also financially irresponsible to imagine he can walk away from paying the mortgage, he is liable whether he lives there or not, which is why it's so illogical that he's allowing the situation to continue.
There's either more here than meets the eye, or he is financially chaotic.
Not someone to enmesh yourself with OP - shared child or no.

I only work part time because we had a child together so I just barely cover my mortgage and other bills.
Oh dear.
The up side is that you have not made yourself vulnerable in terms of housing.
Please ensure that you remain so - NEVER put him on the deeds of your house.

I work part time by choice because by the time I pay off childcare, I wouldn't have much left.
Er ... hold on.
Why is it YOUR responsibility to pay for childcare?
Does your ex tell you he can't afford to pay 50% of the cost of caring for his own child with you?

As a higher earner he needs to support another family and save towards a deposit as he wants to own his house.
As a cocklodger partner in YOUR HOUSE he needs to pay half the costs, including those of your shared child.
He needs to do that BEFORE he saves up for his own house - at your expense.

However, his current house won't be sold for some time, and he can't get his share out.
He needs to stop stalling & bullshitting, get his bloody house sold, use any equity to discharge his debts, then start paying half your shared costs like a functioning adult FFS.

Whatever is left, he wants to save.
He reckons he's entitled to SAVINGS? While you struggle, & are forced to work P-T because he won't contribute to childcare costs?

FFS OP the only solution here is for you to get your full time career back.
That way, he can either choose to step up or continue taking the piss.
And if he continues taking the piss - you have your financial independence, so can pay for your own childcare, & feck him off out of the house he refuses to help pay for.

Do not attempt to resolve this by appealing to his good nature.
He has allowed his financial fuckwittery & selfishness to take advantage of you for 5 years. He is not financially trustworthy.
Tell him to stop bullshitting you & get his house sold. And be prepared to go it alone when he perceives that his gravy train might be running out of steam.

So do I @Pinotpleasure

He's been living rent-free for 5 years. How long does he say he has refused to pay his mortgage for OP?

Do NOT buy a house with this man.
According to him, he has no compunction in reneging on his repayment obligations.

Do NOT financially enmesh yourself further in any way with him.
YANBU to be very, very angry at how he has taken advantage of you OP.
Whether he is lying about his mortgage or not, he wants everything to his own advantage, & cares nothing about your detriment.
I think you need to get rid of him.
He will bring you crashing down with him. You are already worn down & fed up with worry.

Get your full time career back, it is more reliable & rewarding thatn your relationship with this selfish fuckwit.

This did happen to a friend of mine. He split with partner, she stayed in home, met someone else and had kids with new partner. Friend stopped paying mortgage and ex was just making odd payments here and there. Took a few years before it was repossessed and my friend was then left with bill as she disappeared off the face of the earth. Not saying its common practice and perhaps many lenders would act sooner, but I know it took a few years for my friend to sort because ex just kept making odd payments. He should have cotinued to pay mortgage as he ended up having to pay anyway and will probably not be able to get a mortgage for a very long time now.

Er - no it doesn't.
This is not how the process goes, when there is determined & chronic non-payment.

He is bullshitting you OP.