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Original poster

My partner is benefitting from me financially

228 replies

Summerrr · 14/08/2022 23:51

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some imparcial advice as to be honest I feel lost and I'm getting depressed.

When I met my partner, I bought a tiny flat and after a while I asked him to move in. We agreed that he won't be paying rent so he can save money towards a deposit so perhaps we could buy something bigger together.

Pre-history. He owns a house where his ex and children live in. The ex is refusing to sell the house, lives with someone else and no one pays mortgage so the house is in debt (my partner stopped paying when he moved out). As a result his credit rating is very bad.

He contributes around £600 as a child maintenance and has ongoing battle through courts in order to see his children (mother denies access out of spite so authorities very concerned).

So coming back to our life together - he has been living in my house rent free for over 5 years. He contributes towards electricity and food shopping whilst I cover the mortgage and other quite big charges. During my maternity leave, my maternity pay wasnt enough to cover the mortgage so I had to top it with my savings.

He had debts so he had to pay those first. The legal costs regarding children was around £20K since I've known him and plus he pays child maintenance. Whatever is left, he wants to save.

In the beginning I really wanted to help him but I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of? I only work part time because we had a child together so I just barely cover my mortgage and other bills. Whereas he earns a good salary at the moment - we haven't been on holiday, we don't own a car, the furniture at home is mine...

I just feel I don't have a life on my own as the main focus is about his previous life (ex, unsold house, children). When I was working full time, I had a good salary and could afford to travel but now, since I work part time, I'm a low earner. As a higher earner he needs to support another family and save towards a deposit as he wants to own his house. However, his current house won't be sold for some time, and he can't get his share out.

I just feel his situation has caused me ongoing stress for 5 years and I've been very empathetic but I just don't feel like myself anymore. I live somebody's past life...and I just don't see the way out. Please help!

Thanks,

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 15/08/2022 00:29

Are you saying the mortgage (presumably joint?) hasn't been paid for 5 years and the bank accepts £100 a year from his ex and hasn't come after him for any money? Have I understood that right?

Original poster
Summerrr · 15/08/2022 00:36

SarahAndQuack · 15/08/2022 00:25

Wow. He sounds a prince.

The way you explain it, the financial agreement you had was so he could save towards a deposit, which was to be for the both of you.

He hasn't been able to do that. Fine, some of his reasons may be things he can't change (eg. debt) or things he must do (eg., supporting his children). But the basic fact is that you thought he wasn't paying rent because he was saving up to make your joint life better. If that's not happening, the things need to change.

Have you ever had a chat about where his 'savings' towards the deposit have gone? Would you be able, say, to suggest he uses those sayings - which were for the two of you - to pay his share of bills? If he then has to confess he has no savings, then at least you know where you are.

Personally, I think you should call his bluff by saying you want to work full time as you are worried about the loss of pension contributions, and you're ok with him using the savings he had as deposit or your house. If he then has to admit he has no savings, then he needs to explain how on earth him saving all this money hasn't been stealing from you.

I truly believe he has been saving but I don't really know how much he saved up. He hasn't discussed with me that his solicitor charges £200 per hour and we are already quite poor. I think the legal costs regarding children have eaten some of the savings and it's not the end.

As someone noted, because of his bad credit no one will give him a mortgage. So all responsibility would be on me again.

Ive always supported myself and was never interested in other people's money. However, I was naive to think that once I have a child I still will be able to survive without anyone's help

OP posts:
TetrisRetr000 · 15/08/2022 00:37

If he has defaulted on his existing mortgage. I doubt very much if he will be able to get another mortgage in the future.

Musttryharder2021 · 15/08/2022 00:38

Summerrr · 15/08/2022 00:04

I work part time by choice because by the time I pay off childcare, I wouldn't have much left. I don't think he'd make a claim regarding my property but who knows. When he moved it, I wanted to sign him something but he got offended and we had an argument about it

Have you looked into the Universal Credit scheme where you can claim back up to 85% of the costs?

Original poster
Summerrr · 15/08/2022 00:40

CandyLeBonBon · 15/08/2022 00:29

Are you saying the mortgage (presumably joint?) hasn't been paid for 5 years and the bank accepts £100 a year from his ex and hasn't come after him for any money? Have I understood that right?

It's hard to believe but it's true. Because of the children living in a house, bank allowed for the debt to accumulate so it was beneficial for them to prolong it as the house is on Interest only mortgage (I thought it doesn't exist). It was paid by my partner entirely when he lived there but when he moved out, the ex refused to pay her share (she's never paid it anyway)

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 15/08/2022 00:41

Is that court ordered op?

Cyclemarine · 15/08/2022 00:44

Not paying his share of the rent or mortgage to save up for a house for both of you doesn’t make sense to me. If it was genuine it would make more sense for him to pay at least half the mortgage, and then save what he could and you could also save a little based on him actually contributing. The fact that he’s on his second set of children and hasn’t married any of the mothers involved is also a red flag.

You should really have more than a vague notion of how much he has saved, you are life partners and have a child together. I advise you to find this out immediately.

PP are absolutely correct to say you are losing out on pension and NI contributions so this is another way in which you are shouldering the burdens.

that said, he does have a responsibility to his other children too and it’s good he is paying child support and you were seemingly aware of the situation when you got together with him.

MrsMoastyToasty · 15/08/2022 00:44

Both your DP and his ex aren't doing themselves any favours by refusing to pay the mortgage. Eventually it will get repossessed and neither of them will be able to get another mortgage because their credit rating will have gone through the floor.

Original poster
Summerrr · 15/08/2022 00:48

MrsMoastyToasty · 15/08/2022 00:44

Both your DP and his ex aren't doing themselves any favours by refusing to pay the mortgage. Eventually it will get repossessed and neither of them will be able to get another mortgage because their credit rating will have gone through the floor.

Absolutely. There is a buyer for the house but the ex is refusing to sell it and it's gonna go to repossession. So far she's lived there for free and if she sells the house, she would have to pay a rent (money for the house won't be enough to buy even a smallest property). Must be a real hatred there wanting to ruin someone but it's not for me to comment on

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 15/08/2022 01:07

Is the £600 maint the amount he has to pay ?

NellyNothing · 15/08/2022 01:29

I wouldn't have had a kid with him.
How much is he saving? What does he say when you ask him to contribute

ConfusedLove · 15/08/2022 01:37

Get rid

Ncfreely · 15/08/2022 01:38

The ex can be ordered to sell the house through the court. He needs to get legal advice. So do you, then you need to kick him out.

Dotcheck · 15/08/2022 01:41

But I don’t understand why he isn’t paying toward the mortgage on a house he is legally responsible for, and in which his children live?
That is so irresponsible.

I’m having trouble believing that he couldn’t get his child support adjusted to accommodate paying mortgage.

BloodyCamping · 15/08/2022 01:48

He should be paying half all the bills plus covering anything to do with your baby as you are already providing childcare.

Coyoacan · 15/08/2022 01:52

I find it hard to believe that he is paying over the odds in child maintenance while doing zilch to make sure his children have a roof over their heads. I'm willing to bet he isn't paying any more than the absolute minimum ordered by the court.

OP, like so many lovely women, you've allowed this man to leech off you because being a leech is so far away from your values that you don't realise how low other people are capable of going.

caringcarer · 15/08/2022 01:55

So he is supporting other kids but not paying towards your child together. Have you asked him why he favours previous children?

Beseen22 · 15/08/2022 02:28

I call bull. If he's earning a decent wage and refusing to pay any rent or mortgage where the hell is all his money going? I wouldn't imagine he pays more than CMS amounts if the relationship is so bad with their mum so I would imagine he in on nearer 50k. So maybe £3k pm.
If the debt was 20k even if the interest was high he would have paid that off in 5 years at £500 pm.
Then he has £600 for maintenence.
And contributes energy bills and food so if that's £1k pm (unlikely) that's still over a grand a month unaccounted for. So does he have 60k in an account somewhere while you are struggling to make ends meet and his mortgage is in default?

Why would the bank not have attempted to get a court order to freeze assets and take the money directly? I doubt he has any savings. And if he does thats even worse for me...who sits with savings while the mother of your child is just making it through financially.

You sound very nice and sound financially but I think he has preyed on you. He will never get another property with they defaults from his first house. His attitude towards money is incredibly strange. Protect yourself from him taking any money from you.

Monty27 · 15/08/2022 03:13

I wouldn't have a cocklodger in my home.
You have though OP. He needs to get gone. For your sake.

Whataretheodds · 15/08/2022 03:30

Must be a real hatred for someone to live with someone for 5 years and have a child with them, sponge off them by only paying electricity bills and not contribute to mortgage or other costs, or childcare, and risk a default on his credit rating.

Ask him how much he has saved for a deposit, it should be sizeable by now.

daisychain01 · 15/08/2022 04:02

OP when two people get together, their collective effort should be all about improving their life circumstances together. When you got together with this man, all that he's done is drag you down in every aspect of your life.

you were buying a small flat, and he's now muscled in and living there rent free. The narrative you give around his ex, have you ever joined the dots that everything he says to bad-mouth her is probably utter bollocks and he was as feckless with her as he now is with you.

Thank goodness you haven't married him, you have every opportunity to kick him out, him and all his debt, ridding you at a stroke of all his financial burden and credit rating car-crash.

he is the very reason the phrase " millstone around neck" was created.

deeperthanallroses · 15/08/2022 04:29

The unpaid interest will be accruing on the debt - there may be no or nearly no equity left in the house, what makes him think selling it will get anything? My guess is he’s either stupid or lying to you.
you haven’t said anything positive about him except his looks op! Secretive, happy for you to pay living expenses, doesn’t pull his weight in childcare… if you went back full time and told him he had to pay half the childcare or cut back on work to parent what would he say?
have you looked at how you would be financially if single?

caz198917 · 15/08/2022 05:04

CandyLeBonBon · 15/08/2022 00:29

Are you saying the mortgage (presumably joint?) hasn't been paid for 5 years and the bank accepts £100 a year from his ex and hasn't come after him for any money? Have I understood that right?

I'm calling bull on this. If the Mortgage has not been paid for as you say 5 years other than a £100 token payment it would have been repossessed years ago! Coming from someone who works for a bank in Mortgage arrears.

caz198917 · 15/08/2022 05:11

Just read it's on interest only. This is even more damming to his case. I can guarantee you there is no way on earth that this would be allowed to go on for 5 years. Plus the bank would be chasing him for payment. Both parties are chased when there is a balance to be paid. Honestly it's so frustrating when people think because they move out of a mortgaged property they are no longer liable for payments. OP I would be really wary of anything he's telling you unless you see actual proof!

torquewench · 15/08/2022 05:19

Yep, there's absolutely no way any lender would tolerate non payment for 5 years, whether the owner has kids or not. So he's a liar as well as a cocklodging parasite.