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Original poster

My partner is benefitting from me financially

228 replies

Summerrr · 14/08/2022 23:51

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some imparcial advice as to be honest I feel lost and I'm getting depressed.

When I met my partner, I bought a tiny flat and after a while I asked him to move in. We agreed that he won't be paying rent so he can save money towards a deposit so perhaps we could buy something bigger together.

Pre-history. He owns a house where his ex and children live in. The ex is refusing to sell the house, lives with someone else and no one pays mortgage so the house is in debt (my partner stopped paying when he moved out). As a result his credit rating is very bad.

He contributes around £600 as a child maintenance and has ongoing battle through courts in order to see his children (mother denies access out of spite so authorities very concerned).

So coming back to our life together - he has been living in my house rent free for over 5 years. He contributes towards electricity and food shopping whilst I cover the mortgage and other quite big charges. During my maternity leave, my maternity pay wasnt enough to cover the mortgage so I had to top it with my savings.

He had debts so he had to pay those first. The legal costs regarding children was around £20K since I've known him and plus he pays child maintenance. Whatever is left, he wants to save.

In the beginning I really wanted to help him but I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of? I only work part time because we had a child together so I just barely cover my mortgage and other bills. Whereas he earns a good salary at the moment - we haven't been on holiday, we don't own a car, the furniture at home is mine...

I just feel I don't have a life on my own as the main focus is about his previous life (ex, unsold house, children). When I was working full time, I had a good salary and could afford to travel but now, since I work part time, I'm a low earner. As a higher earner he needs to support another family and save towards a deposit as he wants to own his house. However, his current house won't be sold for some time, and he can't get his share out.

I just feel his situation has caused me ongoing stress for 5 years and I've been very empathetic but I just don't feel like myself anymore. I live somebody's past life...and I just don't see the way out. Please help!

Thanks,

OP posts:
Riverlee · 15/08/2022 05:28

I guess this is one of those situations you’ve fallen into. You set up the present arrangement five years ago, and somehow it has still continued. You probably expected the ex situation to have been resolved by now financially, and now you have a child.

You need to sit down and have a big financial talk with dp. Explain how the situation has changed. He needs to step up and start supporting you, or be win equal member. You’ll no longer be financially supporting him.

As a safety net, keep the mortgage in your name, and split all the other bills. Maybe extend your working hours, and share childcare costs. Start going on holidays, buy a car etc. if jointly you can afford this, then start doing this.

Festoonlights · 15/08/2022 05:53

He is lying to you.He is paying the mortgage on the other house, he is paying or rather you are paying for his other children.
Meanwhile you are paying all of his living costs for his cosy free life. No wonder you are depressed. He as Bern busy spending half a decade bleeding you dry giving you false and untrue lies about savings whilst also ignoring the needs of your joint child.

I would throw him out and work full time (he has to pay half of the childcare costs) and protect yourself and child from this predator.

SomeonesRealName · 15/08/2022 06:11

This is way beyond the point of having a big financial talk. OP describes so much financial incompetence and financial abuse that it's clearly not safe for her to remain with this awful man - he's going to ruin her. OP you sound very financially competent and capable. You've managed to carry this loser while working part time with a small child and he brings nothing but drama to the table. You'll be absolutely fine if you ditch the loser. You could start rebuilding your life while you're still young. Where will you be in old age if you carry on with this high risk relationship?

Soontobe60 · 15/08/2022 06:12

I don’t believe this man is telling you the whole truth. Firstly, there is no way on this earth that the bank would not have repossessed the house where the mortgage hasn’t been paid for years. The ex would have been evicted probably after a year max of non payment. She would then have been able to apply for housing as a homeless parent, and would most likely have got a council property at a reasonable rent.
As it stands, once the house is repossessed there will be no money left over especially as he had an interest only mortgage which he has defaulted on. So there will be no money for a deposit on another house, plus he will have a mark against his credit record which will take at least 6 years to clear.
He needs to pay his ex via CMS, pay you rent and pay half the household bills and childcare costs so you can return to work full time. If he’s not prepared to do this, then I’m afraid it’s the end of the road. He moves out, then pays you maintenance via CMS. You are NOT responsible for his financial mess.

KweenieBeanz · 15/08/2022 06:23

SomeonesRealName · 15/08/2022 06:11

This is way beyond the point of having a big financial talk. OP describes so much financial incompetence and financial abuse that it's clearly not safe for her to remain with this awful man - he's going to ruin her. OP you sound very financially competent and capable. You've managed to carry this loser while working part time with a small child and he brings nothing but drama to the table. You'll be absolutely fine if you ditch the loser. You could start rebuilding your life while you're still young. Where will you be in old age if you carry on with this high risk relationship?

This. OP you've been completely had. He's still paying the mortgage on his previous home, he'd have been a fool not to because it would destroy his credit rating. And I suspect it rather suits him to continue building that asset that you have no claim on.
He's with you because you've provided a free home for 5 years which has enabled him to continue paying that other mortgage + supporting his primary kids whilst not having to live in a grotty bedsit with no money.

HeartofTeFiti · 15/08/2022 06:25

i agree he is lying to you and you have been suckered. Even if his stories about the other mortgage are true, if he bought a flat with money he saved while you impoverished yourself, you would have no claim to that flat at all.

Have you seen a mortgage statement or any of the repossession letters? Seen his bank statements? His story doesn’t add up and he is massively taking you for a ride. Get him to start paying rent to you, tell him you want him to pay extra so you can afford to put some savings aside in case you need them when the child is older.

I don’t think you can rely on him paying half the childcare, so I would pursue rent, then go full time yourself. It isn’t “your childcare” to pay alone - it is his child too.

Hira3 · 15/08/2022 06:38

What a sponger. He is not being transparent with you about his finances. If I were you I would tell him he needs to pay rent, as you are shouldering the financial burden on less finances. See what his reaction is then. If he had to privatly rent he would have to pay.

gamerchick · 15/08/2022 06:47

Tell him you can't afford to run him anymore so he'll either have to pay his way or move out.

You're being taken for a mug OP. How much longer that goes on is on you.

SomethingWycked · 15/08/2022 06:51

I have some knowledge of the repossession process & find it incredibly difficult to believe that if no one is making payments on a regular basis for 5 years that the occupants, children included, have not been evicted. I don't think you are getting the full story here.

TooHotToTangoToo · 15/08/2022 06:51

Yes he's sponging off you.

If he's paying £600 pm child maint he'll be earning a fair wage (if it's cms calc), at least £3500 pm take home. Paying no mortgage and half the bills on a small flat he must be pocketing 1000s each month.

You need to sit him down and understand where his money is going. If you want to go back to work full time, he needs to be paying 100% of all childcare for your dc.

You mentioned renting your house to start with and then mortgaged, if it's mortgages then I'd not get married until all finances are sorted out, but if he's defaulted on a mortgage already he'll fine it almost impossible to get another.

Yes he's financially taking the piss

UserError012345 · 15/08/2022 06:53

What an absolute mess. OP I feel for you. Fortunately, the most part, doesn't seem to be yours. It should be relatively easy to extricate yourself from the mess should you want to.

What are you going to do?

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 15/08/2022 06:54

I would be very put off by him stopping paying his mortgage - it's incredibly irresponsible. It also shouldn't have taken 5 years to get to the point legally where the house needs to be sold and divided if they are divorced.

I was in a similar situation when I separated from my ex husband - we were in an interest only mortgage which was very low, but the mortgage was in my husband's name only. He stopped paying it as soon as he moved out and even though the mortgage wasn't in my name and it was a nightmare getting the bank to even accept a payment from me as it wasn't my mortgage, I made the payments each month (thankfully they were very low!).

The fact that your DP would rather be 'saving' money than servicing his debt, in order to maintain his credit rating at the very least, would massively turn me off. It doesn't matter that he doesn't live there any more.

I really feel for you OP. You have acted in good faith and are being taken advantage of. I hope you have the strength to take action and if necessary get some mediation/counselling to discuss this with him and give him some firm deadlines to sort things out. Yet another case of a woman carrying the entire load...grrr.

ivykaty44 · 15/08/2022 06:56

Check out entitledto and see what your finances would be if you were single working part time or full time with childcare. I expect you’d get assistance monetary wise with child care etc on UC

this man is leeching from you and sucking you dry

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 15/08/2022 07:02

Dotcheck · 15/08/2022 01:41

But I don’t understand why he isn’t paying toward the mortgage on a house he is legally responsible for, and in which his children live?
That is so irresponsible.

I’m having trouble believing that he couldn’t get his child support adjusted to accommodate paying mortgage.

And what about the guy that's living with the ex? Is he forking out at all or just scrounging as well?

kateandme · 15/08/2022 07:03

This would really be souring my views on him tbh.

saleorbouy · 15/08/2022 07:10

I find it strange that you're able to have a child with this partner with the long term responsibilities that entails but can't talk about how he is going to financially sort out this mess.
After the Bank has applied fees for mortgage arrears, interest and repossession costs it's unlikely he'll come away with much.
You're left holding his baby while he cannot apply for a mortgage as the high earner.
Owing a home will be unlikely, supporting his kids will always come first presumably.
You have decided to be with a man with commitments from past relationships and poor financial history so I guess you just have to just accept this or move on.

bloodyunicorns · 15/08/2022 07:13

Your mistake was asking him to move in AND THEN HAVING A DC WITH HIM when all this shit was still ongoing in his life. Why did you think that was a good idea?

He sounds like a parasite, and the ongoing drama sounds stressful.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 15/08/2022 07:14

I've got a friend who got married without knowing how much her husband earned. She still didn't know years later when he left for someone else. She got engaged to someone else who moved in, still didn't know what he earned, still didn't by the time that relationship ended. He gave her £360 a month. She did find bank statements showing he had several thousand pounds in the bank.

She was terrified of these basic conversations.

rainbowstardrops · 15/08/2022 07:16

He does sound like a complete sponger and has made a mess of everything.
Would you be financially and mentally better off if you went it alone?

Azerothi · 15/08/2022 07:20

The bad credit aside, how do you think your boyfriend is going to get a mortgage when he already has one?

What did you dream would happen when you decided to have a baby with this boyfriend?

Mindymomo · 15/08/2022 07:22

I think you need some serious answers as it seems people here seem to think somebody must be paying the mortgage on house where ex lives or it would have been repossessed a while ago. You’ve been together 5 years and now have a child, you are a partnership and need to know what’s going on. God forbid if something happened to him, it will be you having to sort anything out.

SuePerdupa · 15/08/2022 07:23

He is lying about:
His savings
His maintenance
His shl
The cost of his shl
The house - who lives free for 5 years??

And you are falling for his lies while supporting him.

Endlesslypatient82 · 15/08/2022 07:23

How many children do you have OP?

are they his too?

MzHz · 15/08/2022 07:24

Summerrr · 15/08/2022 00:04

I work part time by choice because by the time I pay off childcare, I wouldn't have much left. I don't think he'd make a claim regarding my property but who knows. When he moved it, I wanted to sign him something but he got offended and we had an argument about it

And you didn’t think this was a red flag and moved him in ANYWAY?

GiltEdges · 15/08/2022 07:32

I think you need to mentally come to terms with the fact that you will never jointly own a house with this man. No mortgage lender is going to touch him with a bargepole with his history, so there really is no point in him saving for it.

Personally I’d be telling him to move out and end the relationship, but as you’re unlikely to do that you at least need to be very clear that he has to start contributing fairly to the ongoing expenses for your flat, even if that means he can’t afford to save.

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