My partner is benefitting from me financially

[Summerrr]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some imparcial advice as to be honest I feel lost and I'm getting depressed.

When I met my partner, I bought a tiny flat and after a while I asked him to move in. We agreed that he won't be paying rent so he can save money towards a deposit so perhaps we could buy something bigger together.

Pre-history. He owns a house where his ex and children live in. The ex is refusing to sell the house, lives with someone else and no one pays mortgage so the house is in debt (my partner stopped paying when he moved out). As a result his credit rating is very bad.

He contributes around £600 as a child maintenance and has ongoing battle through courts in order to see his children (mother denies access out of spite so authorities very concerned).

So coming back to our life together - he has been living in my house rent free for over 5 years. He contributes towards electricity and food shopping whilst I cover the mortgage and other quite big charges. During my maternity leave, my maternity pay wasnt enough to cover the mortgage so I had to top it with my savings.

He had debts so he had to pay those first. The legal costs regarding children was around £20K since I've known him and plus he pays child maintenance. Whatever is left, he wants to save.

In the beginning I really wanted to help him but I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of? I only work part time because we had a child together so I just barely cover my mortgage and other bills. Whereas he earns a good salary at the moment - we haven't been on holiday, we don't own a car, the furniture at home is mine...

I just feel I don't have a life on my own as the main focus is about his previous life (ex, unsold house, children). When I was working full time, I had a good salary and could afford to travel but now, since I work part time, I'm a low earner. As a higher earner he needs to support another family and save towards a deposit as he wants to own his house. However, his current house won't be sold for some time, and he can't get his share out.

I just feel his situation has caused me ongoing stress for 5 years and I've been very empathetic but I just don't feel like myself anymore. I live somebody's past life...and I just don't see the way out. Please help!

Thanks,

He sounds more like a lodger than a partner. This is not on, he needs to start paying you rent. What ever he has saved, thus far, he needs to give a portion of that towards other, child related costs - it’s absolutely selfish that he expects you to pay for these things. I definitely think it’s ultimatum time. And your child should not have to grow up in such a negative set up.

This business with the house being in arrears will be seriously affecting his credit rating. I very much doubt he will get a mortgage with you now having this on his record He is a drain. Do you love him enough for all this stress or do you want to be free of it ?

I actually am in similar position
I own my flat and boyfriend when he moved in pays nothing towards it.

this is advisable to give him no claim on the property/equity.

Naturally he pays half the bills like elec and council tax and food.

So yes he benefits from rent free living but so do I from my increase in equity. I could also kick him out with zero notice. But he's got a good nest egg from not paying rent to cover a new flat etc.

Not saying yours isn't a cocklidger if not paying towards his kid but living rent free isn't necessary a sign of that.

Most advice to women here is not to pay towards his mortgage if not on the mortgage.

It does sound like he’s bringing a whole heap of stress to your life while he gets to live his life without really contributing a whole lot. His life is cheaper than if he’d had to rent somewhere.

seeing as he made a fuss about not signing anything when he moved in I wonder if you’ll start to see his true colours once you start looking after your own rights and child.

He has passed his financial and his practical living problems on to you. He should have sorted things with his Ex before having another child.
Totally irresponsible.
Why on earth did you agree to breeding with him? Irresponsible!

Just try kicking him out.

if he is living there, and he can show that he is as you saying paying half CT and bills, and no tenancy agreement - then if he didn’t want to move out - you would have to move heaven and earth to get him out

And police would not get involved!

This

Why have you had a child with him knowing his financial situation. You need to take accountability for this mess as you knew he had a defaulted mortgage, is paying out child maintenance and has a supposed crazy ex.

If he pays her 600 maintenance what does he pay you?

No current partner, that finished two years ago. That's another can of worms and a whole other story ... she's now chatting online to a whole host of bizarre weirdos, many of whom don't exist. They're on peacekeeping missions, or former catalogue models, all widowed silver foxes. Or, if they are real people locally and are who they say they are, they all look like Quasimodo or the Missing Link, she never meets them and they string her along.

When I asked her what she was doing setting up home with two men and not knowing how much they earned, she said she didn't know ....

Both him and his ex havent paid morgage in 5 years?

Why?
How?

If this has already gone through the courts then either its not his house (was awarded to her as primary caregiver) or it was dividable equity so she would HAVE to sell it or buy him out.

The only option there isnt is that 'no one' pays for it... everyone is going to lose, pure stupidity.

I ended up bankrupt. I left him and he moved onto another woman with savings and who had her own home. @InquiringMinds How do they find these women?

To stop repossession once it’s gone to court (which takes 6-9 months of non payment, however covid will have affected that) you go to court and make an agreement to pay the mortgage AND an additional amount towards the debt. If you miss one payment in the house is repossessed (like a suspended sentence). They can accept just the mortgage if there is a proven sale in the offing, and you need actual proof at court. They then give you a time scale to complete or they will take you back to court for repossession

Both ex & your dp will be worse off if the bank repossesses the house probably. They only have to recover their outlays, so can sell the house off at less than market value. If there is still money owing, that debt remains.

Basically your family is financing his 1st family? No wonder you feel a bit aggrieved.

So firstly he absolutely needs to pay 50% or a proportional amount comparative to his wage of the childcare costs. Too many women end up in relationships where they think they cannot work, or they cannot work full time because they only take their wages into account when looking at childcare.

Quite frankly as you are the ones currently keeping a roof over your heads, your earning potential is the one that needs to be protected not his.

When he moved it, I wanted to sign him something but he got offended and we had an argument about it

This strikes me as a huge red flag right here.

You working part time and reducing childcare bill is your issue.

It's a joint bill. You have a join child.

Go back to work full time and he pays half of the child care bill. You'll end up with better career prospects and more money at the end of the month than you have now.

Put the child care contact (and bill) in his name and you transfer your portion to him at the end of the month. Otherwise you'll end up being owed for this.

He’s playing you big time. Get rid.

Your relationship totally lacks financial honesty.

I don't know why you do not understand where his money goes. Why have you never asked for proof of what he earns and saves?

You should be able to see his bank statements.

You are a couple and he's living in your flat. FREE.

You should know a) who much he earns b) his net monthly income c) how much he saves and PROOF by an online account of where it's going.

If I were you, I'd have also had a chat with my own mortgage provider to see if the tale he's telling you about his house (and no repossession) is actually true.

You have been very gullible.

I agree with the others who say that he is most likely paying the mortgage where his ex and kids live. Have they an agreement maybe he does that till they are 18 then the house will be sold?

Or he's doing that and also saving for his own place.

Why did you have a child with a man who was explicitly saving for his own place and not one with you and his child?

Can't get my head around that one.

Before having a child with anyone you should have sorted finances. Tell him to leave and claim child maintenance from him.

You’ve been conned and you’re living in fairyland, OP because you’re refusing to accept what’s pretty black and white to everyone else on this thread.

The ex and your partner have definitely been paying more than £100 a year towards the previous mortgage because that amount alone isn’t anywhere near enough to prevent repossession. He’s lying to you!

You worked hard to buy your flat and you’re now risking your future financial security for what? FGS, open your eyes!!

All the time you’re working p/t, you’re not paying much towards your pension. You probably don’t care much about that at the moment, but you should do. Your partner doesn’t sound very honest and reliable because he’s not currently supporting you and your child properly and he’s cagey about his finances. In a good relationship, partners happily share details of their financial situation and have shared goals.

What makes you think he’ll magically change and suddenly put you and your child first?

How much has he saved in 5yrs?

Cocklodger treating you like a piggy bank

The thing is he has to pay for his previous family. I know that's crappy for you but that's the reality of getting into a relationship with someone with existing children he needs to sell his house and get a court order. Don't have anymore children with this man.

Firstly, I send you a big hug - because you are going through a stressful situation and it is not nice to feel that your kindness is being taken advantage of.

As for your situation, it seems to me that your partner, his ex partner and her new partner are 3 adults who have been unbelievably getting away with living rent free for several years. Meanwhile, you have worked hard, saved hard and bought your own home. Well done you, it's not easy nowadays.

My concern for you, is that as you and your partner have a child together, I wouldn't want him making a claim on your property at some point, whether or not you stay together. If at some point he did that and was successful, does that then mean his ex partner could potentially get her sticky fingers on 'his half' and therefore be 'entitled' to what you have worked so hard for. I sincerely hope not but unfortunately the law is often completely unfair.
Please put yourself and your child first . Seek advice and ensure your property is in your name only and that your partner cannot make a claim. This is a complex situation. (I have a telephone number of a great solicitors who gave me free advice when I was trying to sort out a situation. Happy to send on their details if you would like.) I would not mention this to your partner at this time - seek advice on your own. If your partner becomes offended then you need to let him know that his behavious has offended you and that you do not wish to be in the same situation as he is in with his ex and her new partner. Anybody reasonable would understand. Hopefully your relationship will stay the course; but please secure your own finances right now.
If I was your sister, mum or friend, I would be anxious for you to sort this out as quickly as possible. Put you and your child first - this is not being selfish, it's being sensible.

💐