Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

[ELL2478]

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

What will happen when your son repeats the behaviour he sees at nursery? Because what they witness/hear at home doesn’t stay there. Are you ready for social services to investigate why he sticks his hands into little girl’s knickers? Because it is only a matter of time.

And he’s absolutely hurting your children by hurting you.

If he has any sort of patient contact you must tell
someone. The man is dangerous around vulnerable women.

He would never EVER hurt my children

He's sexually assaulting, emotionally abusing and raping their mother.

He's already hurting them.

Please don't disappear thinking people are angry with you.

They are angry with men like him making women like you (the victims) doubt themselves and get trapped in a cycle of self doubt.

You know what he's doing is wrong and you started the thread because of that.

He knows what he's doing is wrong because he's a grown man and will even have had safeguarding training in his job.

Some of the things you have said he does are genuinely shocking and many of us have seen and heard some terrible things in our time.

I really think that next time a shift allows, you need to call womens aid and just ask them what is happening at the moment and what your options are.

This isn't just a man who 'messes up' or has sexual boundaries that are 'askew'. This is a dangerous man. A rapist.

If either of your children are girls then you'll be teaching them growing up that being compliant and victimised but married is better than being happy and healthy but single. Then they'll likely continue the cycle of unhealthy, controlling relationships where men prey on vulnerable women.

And likewise, your son will be taught that women should do as they are told, cook, clean, care for the children and be compliant because men are in charge.

Break the cycle.

Leave the rapist.

Reclaim your life.

This is gaslighting

Oh dear, I wish I could reach out and rescue you. Please read some of these messages again, really read them and think about them, are they all wrong? Please contact Women's aid, even try walking into Boots the Chemist and ask for help. Do something and get help, if not for you, then for your children xx take care xx

Im not disappearing. Thank you for all your responses. I am overwhelmed how helpful people have been and how kind to take the time to reply. I have a lot to think about. I dont have the courage to leave, but I will be on guard and watch out for behaviours that have been highlighted to me on here. I will think about women's aid as well and perhaps post on here with updates if Im able too?

Would you leave if he hurt your children?

Of course i wud!!! Theyre my everything.
Despite what ppl may think being a mum is the one thing im good at.

So, do you think growing up with a rapist who regularly abuses their mother and assaults her in front of them is good for them? As they’re your everything.

Your dad was clearly an arse, think about how that’s affected you.

We don't follow any religion. He never has but i was raised a Jehovah"s Witness and am still partially associated with them bt dont believe in it. It is a very controlling sect.

Op. Please think about what you consider fact.
he hates men who hurt women? But he’s hurting you.
he calls himself a feminist? but he helps himself to your body like it’s an object he owns
it sounds like you are regurgitating the facts that have been told to you. Rather than actually critically analysing what YOU believe to be truth

He clearly has some severe issues to compare having sex with you to a corpse and to clearly enjoy that

That's not quite what he said/the case ... op called him out for starting/having sdx with her while she as asleep... he deflected the subject (and his wrong behaviour/guilt) by throwing criticisms at her ie it was like fucking a corpse, you must be proud of your performance etc.

These were, of course, utterly ridiculous/ironic - because he started sex with her while sge was asleep, abd couldbg consent or participat. Even when sge woke up she would've probably been sleepy, disoriented, abd uncomfortable (physically and emotionally) so of course she would not have been participating enthusiastically.

He decided to try to deflect, and to critixise, shame, embarass her .. get her her the.defensive (and himself off the defensive) when he was called out for his behaviour. Another technique alongside his "jokes" and his sad face,/poor little me/,affectonate act.

So I think he was referring to after op woke up and was criticising her for not being more enthusiastic/active - which is a joke in the circumstances. But he need done deflection and to.go on the attack so that's where he went.

But yeah, it is ironic to.criticise someone for that when a. You started having sex with them while they were asleep- a form of rape unless agreed beforehand. And when it's it's your first time doing it nd you're cool with having having with a sleeping/unconscious person.

*not your first time doing it

When you add info aboit him touching/groping you a lot op, he really does sound like a creepy, sleazy, sex pest type.

It's disturbing he works in the environment he works in..

Op were now on page 9, with each of your posts I feel more sick. Pp are suggesting you’re a troll because you are so blasé about HORRIFIC things, it feels like it can’t be true. You are blaming yourself for everything whilst he apparently just can’t help himself and didn’t know he wasn’t meant to rape you. It sounds insane. 9 pages of pp telling you this is horrific abuse, and 9 pages of you minimising and excusing him, repeating his lies, and blaming yourself. at worst youre we admitting he may accidentally be being a bit disrespectful.

you keep saying he’s nice sometimes. But most women are not abused 24/7 in a way that they recognise, otherwise it would be easy to leave. The nice normal ness is part of the abuse

please just call womensaid so you can discuss this out loud with an unbiased party. Ask if they think it’s abuse or not. If they don’t then he is a good guy and what he’s told you is true. And it was an accident that he won’t repeat.
if they do then you can come to terms with that and save yourself and your children.

i am devastated for you, I hope this thread is the start of the light at the end of the tunnel for you

I did post about an hour and hald ago saying i will.contemplate ringing womensaid when he is next out the house and will certainly start to thinm about things. I just dont feel im in a position to outright leave just yet. And i will be honest im still coming to terms with his behaviour being abusive. Im on the alert now though.

OP if you contact the police, they will remove him from the home. SS would also consider him a risk. If you get rid of him they would accept you are protecting the children.

We all know it generally takes abused women a few goes to be able to leave.

OP was raised in an abusive religion (not all JWs experiences are abusive, but many are).
She's been previously raped.
She's now married to an abusive man.

Cut her some slack while she works out her boundaries, her position.

She's very brave coming here, had to post 3 times before she was taken seriously. She could have just accepted what her husband told her- that it's ok, they are married, he's allowed.

She's already being brave. Give her time to gather her bravery for the next steps.

@picklemewalnuts Thank you. This is exactly how I feel. I am taking these replies very seriously and am processing it all.

I'm so sorry to read this OP. Yes, I can see how others thought it cannot be possibly happening.

I'll add one thing - he's abusing you but he is abusing the kids too if they witness his inappropriate actions at any point during the day. You're being manipulated, controlled and gaslit. Rape, coercive and controlling behaviour are all crimes. There are serious safeguarding issues, and I'm also concerned about his access to vulnerable people in his job. Can you speak with your GP, if they already know about your mental health - understandably - being affected? You qualify for Social Services referral for yourself and they will involve the Police and support you through the process. They can meet with you somewhere your husband won't know about and help you make decisions when you're ready to, but more importantly - it's their job to keep you safe. With the experiences you described, you will struggle to do this on your own. You need all the support you can get just now. You may need to make hard choices, stop contact with people who are not supportive of you, move away.

Please look after yourself.

Op to be clear, I am not judging you or criticising you, I am trying to be frank because I think being clear about what is acceptable and what isn’t is important at this point as you’ve been lied to and gas lit so much.

you are also so hard on yourself, but seem to give him all the free passes in the world. Reading my post back i realise I sounded harsh in this, my intention was just to draw your attention to how unfair this is on you and how it doesn’t make sense that he doesn’t know, and he can’t help himself. But you must know, and explain and forgive constantly.

This is a huge thing to come to terms with, you just need to start thinking and asking yourself questions, question what you’ve been told, which you’re already doing.

Thank you for sharing those.

He sees you as his sexual property to do as he wants with. You are married to him and are his sexual partner, but that does not mean that you forfeit all choice.

I can understand how your upbringing might influence how you feel, as you are not used to having choice. But none of this is right.