Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

[ELL2478]

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

because you are so blasé about HORRIFIC things, it feels like it can’t be

She's not blasé.

That's a very unfair thing to write.

She's probably numb, confused, detached etc.

JW isn’t a religion, it’s a cult. You’re very at risk of falling into terrible controlling relationships once you’ve been in a cult, and you’re struggling to see that you need to get out of it.

I think you need to speak to someone, a counsellor maybe? Or someone who is ex JW, or qualified in speaking to people who are ex JW.

Your “husband” is foul and knows exactly what he is doing.

I disagree
I think op does mention things quite casually as though they are totally normal and acceptable. This comes across as blasé. I think it’s important it’s made clear that these things aren’t ok and acceptable to validate why she feels uncomfortable with them as in her real life they are being minimised and treated as normal. Op does not have a barometer in real life to measure things against from what she has said.

I have posted since though in an attempt to clarify and I’ve posted several other times with questions and advice and recognising how op must be feeling and that this is difficult to come to terms with. It’s not my intention to be unfair, genuinely hope for the best for OP.

Its ok im not offended by anything anybody has said. Im just trying to convey how difficult is it for me to view him as an abuser when he never shouts, says he loves me a lot, and is very mild tempered.

Really hope you had a safe night and you have some time to think today when he's at work.

Of course it's a tonne of stuff to take in. Just remember, no one can make you live with this abuse. You can technically walk out that door any time you want to (I know it may not be the best for your future finances etc and you can look into that in time, but technically you CAN) and go and ask your local council for help. Or you can go to the police.

Let the knowledge that you are free to walk out give you strength - you ALWAYS have options.
Read this england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_domestic_abuse

Reading that I learnt that you can contact the council before you leave as well. Give it a read, it's good for you to know what help is out there if things escalate.

This comes across as blasé.

No it doesn't.

It comes across as being conditioned, naive etc.

In any case we don't need a derail.

After all arent most women who are sexually assaulted assaulted by their husbands?

No. The vast majority of women have a husband who will ask before helping themselves to her body, or pause to ensure she's reciprocating before carrying on any further. A lot of men would be appalled if they hurt their wife.

Yours enjoys it. That's not a feminist, and it's not a man who doesn't understand or grasp the nuances of consent. He knows full well and that's what gets him off.

That's why we are so horrified for you.

In the 18 years DH and I have been together, there's not been a single time where there's been any ambiguity as to consent. And we've experimented as our relationship has progressed with more adventurous things but always have discussed it away from the bedroom first, and if it's something that one of us isn't keen on trying, it never happens. But if it is something that we are curious about, and both willing, even then, we would check with the other person first if they would like it in the moment before we go ahead.

It can take time to fully realise abusive behaviour. It took me several months to get my head around my ex being called abusive by women's aid and finally leave. And I think it took me even longer afterwards to realise all the other small things that were abusive. You can do this in small steps - please talk to womens' aid in secret and keep talking to them until you feel ready for the next step. The important thing is your safety and the safety of your children because abuse can become more violent if they sense you are trying to leave.

So for now, just make a phone call to Womens' Aid. Let them listen and let them give you their brilliant advice and support. And after that, you can consider your next step. But for now, just take that baby step.

@TheOriginalClownfish thanks for your reply. You have misunderstood my meaning. I was responding to another poster who said my OH may assault other random women which i didnt agree with. That's why I said 'most women who are assaulted are assaulted by their husbands'- not 'most women are assaulted by their husbands.' The distinction is important because it completely changes the meaning.

I still dont see him as an abuser either. I am struggling very much with my mood today and also extreme feelings of guilt as OH has been very loving and asking me why I look sad. He also accepted my know when he tried to finger me whilst i was at the sink. Maybe after our chat he has realised i dont want it all the time.

Yeah. Good men don't try to finger you at the sink. Good men don't tend to do things that need to be told "no" to.

*No not know silly me!

And what are your children going to make of Daddy trying to get a bit of fingering in at the kitchen sink at 5pm when they're a bit older? Will your son consider it an expectation to do it to his partner? Will your daughter consider it an expectation to have to tolerate it as one of her wifely duties?

You've been told by every person here that what you're experiencing is abuse; particularly VILE abuse. You've been given great advice. Now it's up to you to choose to act on it. I really, really hope you do.

I understand what you're saying however like i said when i said no he said 'aw u dont wand it and stopped.' Im sure its not unusual for men to do that their partners have their back to them?

I am going to try and contact womens aid when i can to get their perspective as advised thank you.

I can honestly say no partner I have ever had, including my husband, has ever randomly come up behind me and inserted his fingers into me whilst I was going about household business. Life is not a porn film and most people are aware of that.

What your husband is doing is r trembly unusual. It’s also disgusting, disrespectful and abusive. You need to stop minimising. You cannot continue to bring children up in this sort of environment and claim that said children are your world.

Please dont keep bringing my children into this and insinuating im not putting them first. Its not easy hearing all these replies and coming to terms with the fact my husband may have a nasty side. I know full well what an abusive household is like i grew up in one my dad was far worse. You do not understand the implications if I were just to leave.

No. No they don't. It is NOT 'usual' behaviour.

I sincerely hope that your talk with Women's Aid and all the advice given here will open your eyes to the things that you really don't deserve and that you find the strength and resolve to keep yourself and your children safe from this man.

No, it's not normal for men to start sex acts then only stop when they're told to stop. Most check their partners are up for it first. But yours doesn't actually care if you are or not. He does and therefore he does it.

What, that you haven’t already stated, are the implications if you leave? And, more importantly, what are the ramifications of you stay?

I will keep bringing your children into this because they are in it. This is the childhood you’re choosing to give them by not leaving. You know the impact a crappy father can have and you’re still not leaving. The fact that yours was much worse doesn’t make your husband a good one.

Nobody has said it’s easy. You’ve had lots of supportive comments. You’re continuing to minimise, so some of us will continue to point out these facts: he’s abusive, you’re raising your kids in an abusive home, choosing to do that isn’t putting them first, you need to leave. This isn’t an attack, these are simply statements of fact.

You do not understand the implications if I were just to leave.

What are the implications? Maybe if you tell us a bit more (without being outing) we can help.

I'm really sorry you're feeling upset today, I guess it's sort of inevitable when you've taken this incredibly brave step of posting here (and persisting!) and you're starting the slow process of really seeing what's happening here.

It's almost made me want to cry that you're so pleased that your husband stopped his unwanted penetration of you today when you asked. As others have said, it's not normal to start sexual activity on someone who's not at all interested, and of course even less so while there are small children in the house.

I'm not going to criticise your parenting because you're doing your best, as far as you can.

Much as it pains me to say so, your H isn't going to keep up his "aw babe ok then" act of pretending to respect your body and decisions. He's playing the game, wondering how he can get you back into being the unquestioning wife who never objects to his assaults. I bloody wish this was it, the end - but I can't believe it is. I bet you don't really either.

@Cherchezlaspice apologies. i did not mean to snap.

I suppose I will feel very alone and judged by my family and my small circle of friends. I also suffer with depression and PND and js know i couldn't cope with my kids alone or make them happy.

Please don’t apologise to me! Absolutely no need. You’re under a lot of strain and being very courteous, considering. I’m very sorry if I sound like I'm being unkind, as that isn’t my intention. But, you need to leave.

And I’m going to guess that you do the majority of the childcare and making your kids happy already. You may also be astonished how much more manageable your depression becomes when you’re no longer living with a rapist.

Ring Women’s Aid. It’s the first step on what will hopefully be the road to positive change.

Honestly, depression is a complete bastard. It's the depression itself whispering in your ear that you couldn't cope with the kids or make them happy.

Yet I bet you do tonnes of lovely caring things with/for them now?

Have you ever considered the possibility that your mental health is a fragile as it is because you live with being raped and sexually assaulted on a daily basis?

It truly is a wonder that you are not asking your GP for tranquillisers to inable you to get out of bed in the morning and function.

Have you mentioned in any conversations about your mental health that you are raped and sexually assaulted daily?.

It would be very enlightening information for those trying to help you.

Are your children the product of him raping you?
Could this be a part of your PND?

Could this be a part of your very understandable distress.

Please talk to your GP.

No its not as bad as what you have just said at all. Both my children were planned. And im not assaulted on a daily basis either its very infrequent. He works shifts day and night so we dont even share the same bed often.

My mental health hasnt been good for years but has got worse recently and just after i had my son 19 months ago.

OP how would you feel about calling womens aid tomorrow and if you feel comfortable doing so, letting us know how you got on?

Lots of us are thinking of you and would like to support your next steps, which will hopefully be to start to see that he is abusive and is sexually assaulting and raping you regularly.

Decent men don't need to be taught that if someone says no to sexual contact then they should stop. They know it's what they should do. Decent men don't need to be taught that having sex with an unconscious woman is still rape whether she's your wife or not.

Please do try to call womens aid and talk through that's happened