Page 11 | Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

ELL2478 · 2022-08-14T10:55:21+00:00

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

TheRaindanceWorked · 16/08/2022 22:45

OP you need to stop minimising his behaviour. In previous posts you said he "touches me all the time" and he "often" tries to penetrate you when your just doing chores, now you say it's "very infrequent" that he does this. You need to be honest and you really need to see him for what he is. I can guarantee if you continue to set boundaries - which you must do - he will soon drop the nicey nice act. You've already said "I often have a sneaky feeling he likes to hurt me for pleasure" well be on your guard because he's going to be doing that a lot more. Take care.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 16/08/2022 22:56

Op you have had to listen to some very difficult things here.
You are having to live difficult things too.

The answer is 'no your husband's treatment of you is not normal or reasonable'.

It looks as if you are struggling to define it as abuse because you have suffered other kinds, but it is abuse. It is serious even though it doesn't leave visible marks. You are being abused by someone who SAYS he loves you - and this must be very confusing.

Note though that saying does not make it so.

(Fine words butter no parsnips - as granny would say.)

Your depression might be rooted in the way you are treated and your feelings about this. Not all scars are on the outside.

Original poster

ELL2478 · 16/08/2022 23:04

Hi everyone. Sorry i have been quiet. I will contact women's aid tommorow. I do think me mentioning it the other night might have ruffled his feathers a bit. Today he was at the sink and i asked if i could hug him (just me being a clever devil really) and he said 'do u want to sign something' in a sarcy tone. Then when we left the kitchen he put his hand up my dress and i oushed it away cs had to see to baby and he said quite sternly 'im not treatimg u like a sex object.' So he obvs knows its been on my mind bt i dont think hes happy about it after making those comments instead of apologising.

OP posts:

wellhelloitsme · 16/08/2022 23:12

Please do let us know how you get on with womens aid tomorrow OP. I hope the call is helpful

Cherchezlaspice · 16/08/2022 23:22

ELL2478 · 16/08/2022 23:04

Hi everyone. Sorry i have been quiet. I will contact women's aid tommorow. I do think me mentioning it the other night might have ruffled his feathers a bit. Today he was at the sink and i asked if i could hug him (just me being a clever devil really) and he said 'do u want to sign something' in a sarcy tone. Then when we left the kitchen he put his hand up my dress and i oushed it away cs had to see to baby and he said quite sternly 'im not treatimg u like a sex object.' So he obvs knows its been on my mind bt i dont think hes happy about it after making those comments instead of apologising.

Why are you asking to hug this man?! How is that you being ‘a clever devil’? What is the thought process, here?

OP, I know it’s not fair to you, but your posts make me want to scream in frustration.

You told him, a few short hours ago, that you didn’t want to be digitally penetrated. He’s already put his hand up your dress and then spoken to you ‘sternly’ about it. Do you still think he just doesn’t get it or do you agree that this man is an abuser?

Original poster

ELL2478 · 16/08/2022 23:34

Cherchezlaspice · 16/08/2022 23:22

Why are you asking to hug this man?! How is that you being ‘a clever devil’? What is the thought process, here?

OP, I know it’s not fair to you, but your posts make me want to scream in frustration.

You told him, a few short hours ago, that you didn’t want to be digitally penetrated. He’s already put his hand up your dress and then spoken to you ‘sternly’ about it. Do you still think he just doesn’t get it or do you agree that this man is an abuser?

Show quote history

I was just trying to show that affection can be given just by a hug. And i say clever devil because i was making a point by asking about it first.

OP posts:

Original poster

ELL2478 · 16/08/2022 23:43

ELL2478 · 16/08/2022 23:34

I was just trying to show that affection can be given just by a hug. And i say clever devil because i was making a point by asking about it first.

Show quote history

You wil probably think im disgusting but iv let him digitally penetrate me whenever he wants for ages. I dont say anything or move while it happens or indicate im enjoying it but i just let him. Or less commonly force my head into his bare crotch while he says hes messing about. I guess i js thought it was normal. I can see now that it isnt.

OP posts:

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/08/2022 23:48

Marital rape was made illegal in 1996. He can go to prison for what be is doing to you.

How would he feel if you pegged him in his sleep?

I'm so sorry. As others have said, this is clearly rape. Make a recording of him admitting it and take it to the police.

Cherchezlaspice · 16/08/2022 23:51

ELL2478 · 16/08/2022 23:43

You wil probably think im disgusting but iv let him digitally penetrate me whenever he wants for ages. I dont say anything or move while it happens or indicate im enjoying it but i just let him. Or less commonly force my head into his bare crotch while he says hes messing about. I guess i js thought it was normal. I can see now that it isnt.

Show quote history

It’s not disgusting if you enjoy it. But you’ve now told him don’t. You’ve asked him not to do it. He said he wouldn’t. He then did it a few hours later. That is abusive. Do you recognise this?

And I think you know exactly what everyone else will think about him forcing your head onto his penis, so I’ll leave it.

wellhelloitsme · 16/08/2022 23:56

Oh my love, he really is horrific and I can imagine the oddly simultaneous numbness and anxiety now that you're realising what has been happening is sexual assault and rape.

Please do let us know how your call with women's aid goes - it could be life changing (in a good way) for you

Original poster

ELL2478 · 16/08/2022 23:57

Thank you everyone again for your kindness. I will let you know how i get on.

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 17/08/2022 00:33

Oh, love. I get that this is a lot for you to process. But he is abusing you. He is abusing you sexually, and raping you. He is also financially controlling. He is emotionally abusive. And when you have tried to raise any of this, he has tried to turn it round to all be your fault, and him as the victim. This is right out of the abusive bastards' handbook. I also wonder if he targeted you. An abusive controlling bastard would just love to draw in a younger naive woman, especially one who had been brainwashed as a child into believing that the man is boss.

He isn't treating you like a wife. He isn't even treating you as a human being. He's treating you as a combination of a domestic servant and a sex toy. You are worth so much more than this. Your children deserve a healthier environment to grow up in.

You have made that first step of posting on here. And returning to the thread. Let the next step be that call to Women's Aid. There is a way out of this swamp of despair he has pushed you into.

LemonApplePeach · 17/08/2022 00:45

Wow, this is horrific OP. You need to wake up and leave.

picklemewalnuts · 17/08/2022 08:22

I hope today goes well for you, sweetheart. You've had a crappy time.

Thedownside · 17/08/2022 09:35

Keep in touch and let MN know how you get on with WA x

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 17/08/2022 12:25

Good luck today. xxx

wellhelloitsme · 17/08/2022 12:55

Good luck today calling womens aid, let us know how you got in if you get a chance

Original poster

ELL2478 · 17/08/2022 13:46

So like the idiot I am i didnt realise women's aid were only free up until 6. My husband is in the house and is in bed and my mum is coming up so i have no chance to ring. Iv tried the live chat but i waited ages then the chat was ended by the support worker.

OP posts:

Cherchezlaspice · 17/08/2022 14:51

You can email them: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/help-by-email/

Original poster

ELL2478 · 17/08/2022 15:00

Thank you i will do that. X

OP posts:

TheOriginalClownfish · 17/08/2022 15:09

I'm so sorry to hear that you got cut off like that.

But - you contacted them! That's a big, brave step for you, so well done!

Untangling your feelings and thoughts when you've been in a relationship such as this takes time. It may be some time before you come around to the idea that you could or can leave. Those of us who've been in a similar relationship dynamic understand that. I didn't have anywhere near the level of abuse you have and it still took me a long time to untangle my head. But I got there and life improved massively for me after I left for good.

We understand that often, the most dangerous time is when you are standing up to him, or questioning his behaviour, or he senses you pulling away from his influence so be careful. He's far from stupid, even if he pretends he doesn't understand things like consent.

BadNomad · 17/08/2022 16:25

Other options:

24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247
Webchat:
Monday – Friday: 3pm – 10pm

24-hour Rape Crisis Helpline - 0808 802 9999
Webchat:
Monday - Thursday: 1pm - 5pm, 6pm - 9pm
Friday: 2pm - 5pm

Original poster

ELL2478 · 17/08/2022 16:44

BadNomad · 17/08/2022 16:25

Other options:

24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247
Webchat:
Monday – Friday: 3pm – 10pm

24-hour Rape Crisis Helpline - 0808 802 9999
Webchat:
Monday - Thursday: 1pm - 5pm, 6pm - 9pm
Friday: 2pm - 5pm

Thank you for these

OP posts:

Original poster

ELL2478 · 17/08/2022 16:46

TheOriginalClownfish · 17/08/2022 15:09

I'm so sorry to hear that you got cut off like that.

But - you contacted them! That's a big, brave step for you, so well done!

Untangling your feelings and thoughts when you've been in a relationship such as this takes time. It may be some time before you come around to the idea that you could or can leave. Those of us who've been in a similar relationship dynamic understand that. I didn't have anywhere near the level of abuse you have and it still took me a long time to untangle my head. But I got there and life improved massively for me after I left for good.

We understand that often, the most dangerous time is when you are standing up to him, or questioning his behaviour, or he senses you pulling away from his influence so be careful. He's far from stupid, even if he pretends he doesn't understand things like consent.

Its not about comparing!
And my level of abuse isnt that bad either compared to most of the experiences iv heard. I don't think he would ever be violent, bit i will tread with caution.

Im glad you got out of that situation and are in a better place now xx

OP posts:

Badromancer · 17/08/2022 18:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request