Trigger Warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

[ELL2478]

Trigger warning- sexual assault/spousal abuse

I posted on the forum last night about my husband having sex with me while i was asleep and his attitude indicating he thought he'd done nothing wrong. I seemed to have upset a lot of people however and had my account reported as a troll and deleted twice. I apologise for not leaving a trigger warning and am mortified that Iv upset people. Iv been debating posting on here for months because of this particular problem and can't believe how bad it went. So sorry again!

I will be the first to admit i am naive to a lot. I was raised a JW and taught no sex before marriage and other conservative values. Iv also only been with 2 men in my life, the second my husband. I am passive i will agree with that and I do go along with everything I can see that now.

He wouldnt ever harm a patient. I know that 100%. He actually hates men who hurt women and considers himself a feminist.

Yep, if I were a sinister, manipulative sexual abuser who wanted my partner to trust me and tolerate my abuse, that's the picture I'd paint of myself too.

Can you not see what a massive, obvious lie this is, OP? He hates me who hurt women, and yet he is constantly hurting and abusing the woman he's supposed to love? Please wake up! Your replies are weirdly passive and are massively minimising his obvious motivation.

He actually hates men who hurt women and considers himself a feminist.

He is a man who hurts women.

He may well hate himself.

It doesn't change the fact he has repeatedly assaulted and raped you.

I wish I could scoop you up out of this marriage and open your eyes to who he is.

It is terrifying he works in a hospital. Not just because he's in a role with a duty of care but because he will have had mandatory safeguarding training.

He will have, at various points, been trained in the fact that consent is vital, what signs of abuse to look for, how coercion and abuse can affect a patient's consultation and when safeguarding referrals need to be triggered.

You don't seem to understand (and I appreciate this is because he's made you numb to it) that he does know what he's doing is wrong. He just doesn't care. Because he likes it. He likes raping his wife while she's unconscious.

What kind of advice is he going to give your son when he's a teenager and starts dating? Or when he's married?

Also are you on any hormonal contraception? Because men like him want you as vulnerable as possible and you being pregnant or on mat leave would mean you're extra vulnerable. Are you on the pill at all?

Cross-posted. It's good that you are realising you have been blind to things. I imagine it was no mistake on his part to choose someone with your sheltered religious background. Since you have been so massively controlled and manipulated, and since he usso obviously lying about the 'not hurting a woman' thing, how can you possibly think you could trust him not to harm a patient? You can't trust anything he says.

But that's not your fault, a normal man would make sure you were happy with any sexual thing, even if you were quite passive. You've just had the bad luck to stumble across this awful person who wants you to suffer. None of this is your fault. He will try to make you think it is your fault - for example by saying you didn't make it clear he wasn't to do XYZ thing or he thought you wanted it. It's the oldest script in the book for men who rape.

Another group you could call is Rape Crisis rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

I'm genuinely frightened by the idea that he gets off on penetrating a "corpse"-like body.

Your posts almost come across as fake naivety OP - that's how clueless about boundaries and lacking in self esteem you are. I'm not suggesting you are trolling but honestly - it's really shocking and hard to swallow that you think his behaviour is ok.

There is so much to unpick but even just this one thing:
One morning i also woke up to him ahem emptying his load over my face
is so insidious, shocking and wrong on every level that it would be enough for me to leave my dh. What on earth kind of scumbag thinks this is acceptable behaviour? You are basically just a piece of meat to him - there for his pleasure whether you are party to it or not.

You are so manipulated and used to the abuse you can't see the wood for the trees.

Oh my love I had a feeling early on in this thread when you mentioned religion that you were probably raised JW.

You've transferred from a religion that removed much of your agency and simply told you how to think and feel, to a man who has done exactly the same and continues to do so.

You need deprogramming from the shackles of your religious upbringing and the coercive control and abuse of your marriage.

You need to be free from this marriage in order to start some serious therapy that will open your eyes to how much people have let you down, how much you didn't deserve it and how much potential you still have to live a happy and healthy life with your son.

You deserve to have that. Your son deserves to have it too.

You're still so young. A whole life ahead of you. Your son's whole life ahead of him.

Please don't make him grow up living with a rapist and his victim.

Thats the thing i am still not convinced in my head that he thinks it is wrong or if he thinks its innocent.
No im not. The pill makes my moods worse and with me being on anti-depressants i couldnt get along with it. He says he doesnt want another baby tho. We normally use condoms, last time he started to have sex in my sleep i woke up towards the end and he withdrew and came allover my back.

Im sorry but i am not trolling and its annoying me how your the third person who has said that. Do u think i would spend all this time replying if I was trolling? Im not sure how its naive i have said i find his attitude disrespectful and concerning but other aspects of him appear to be normal so i am conflicted.

@ELL2478 Oh you poor love - none of this is ok. NONE OF IT. You're being abused every single day, whether or not he wants to have sex with you. You're being abused simply by being in a relationship with a man who cares not one jot (and I mean NOT ONE JOT) for you, or your feelings, let alone your body or your rights over it.

Other pp have said it, but it's true - you're not seeing it yet, let alone ready to accept it. But, love, this isn't how men behave who are respectful and loving towards their wives or girlfriends.

What would you say if a friend or (God forbid) your own DD came to you and told you these things were happening? Would you still be making excuses for the perpetrator, making the friend or your DD feel like they were 'overreacting', or just 'misunderstanding'? Because, let me tell you, I've got 3 DDs, and if any one of them told me even just one thing you've said happens to you on this thread had happened to them, I'd be round there to take them away from him, and I would happily castrate him at the same time.

But it won't happen to them, because they know their self-worth. They would never fall for the crap you're falling for here, OP.

I beg you, please seek some RL advice and help and GET OUT. Please open your eyes and see what the reality is here. You deserve more than being raped, spunked over (I felt sick when I read that) and disrespected to the levels you are.

Every word out of your partner's mouth is either a lie, or a deliberate obscuring of events. Nothing he says - NOTHING - is appropriate when it comes to how he talks to you, or about you.

I really, really hope that this is one thread where I'm going to come back to a happy update, and an OP who has got out and built herself a proper life, a life full of respect and self-worth. Please think, OP. Stop finding reasons and excuses for him - he knows EXACTLY what he's doing, and why he's doing it - and GET OUT.

If you don't want him to do this then say, I don't want you to have sex with me again without my active consent at the time it occurs. I would wear a one piece which needs taking of fully with your active help. Something like a swimsuit with the long shorts legs. That way he literally cannot have sex without fully waking you. I would do this and not say anything. If he tries to rape you in your sleep and gets frustrated and angry, that is your answer. He not only has no respect for you, he disregards your direct instructions and get angry when he realises you have denied him for he feels entitled to him.

You are married. You own half the house and it doesn't matter whose name is on the mortgage or deeds. It may need to be sold but at least you can tell him to fuck off. He's abusing you financially and sexually.

The JW upbringing goes a long way to explaining your passivity in all this.

I really hope by reading the replies on here you can start to see how wrong this all is. You are posting here because in your heart you know it's not right and your defence mechanism is starting to kick in. The scales are starting to fall from your eyes but you are still questioning everything - that's normal because you have been putting up with his abuse and manipulation tactics for so long.
It may take time but hopefully soon your head will start to catch up with the way your heart is feeling.

Who are you going to speak to in real life about all this, OP?

THAT is the first step you need to take. It is the hardest step, but it is a small and simple step. Everything else will follow as it should after that.

All you need to do, to improve your whole life, is tell someone. If you cannot bear to tell a friend, then tell your GP or just ring Womens Aid.

You are right I should have explicitly said that at the time and i know that is my fault there.
Re. Clothing I have recently cottoned on to that. I notice when i wear something thats got easy access he will penetrate with his fingers or the other more than if not. So i have been trying to wear more clothes bt he complains. Its js been so hot tho recently.

I actually have noone in RL i can talk to.

Are you saying he sexually harasses you during the day too? Ugh.
I do hope your DC are not in the house at the time.

Having no friends is also a sign of the control he exerts over you. I don't remember how old your DC are but didn't you meet other mums at playgroups or the school gates?

Well he touches me all the time and especially my intimate area hes obsessed with it. They are bt thrurr only young. And im a good mum they are my world.

The clothes bit was also referring to nightime. If i wear something tight or long he complains bt i notice he doesnt touch me as much.

Im js shy. I dont find it easy to make friends. He has no friends either none at all. Theyre 1 and 3 so eldest is at nursery but i dont talk to any of the mums there.

Oh my poor love.

I don't think you're trolling, I think you sound like between your father, your childhood community and this predator they've done such a complete number on you, you wouldn't even confidently say the sky is blue if they disagreed.

You have a long way to go - at the moment you're still in a phase where you're not sure in your head what's right and wrong, but you feel in your body that his treatment of you is very wrong. You're looking for practical solutions like shorts. You're looking for a magic thing to say to him to make him understand that he's not being very nice, that he's hurting you, that what he's doing to you is wrong. Because if he understood, he would stop and then you could get on with the family life you've built together.

I guess it must be shocking to read the responses on here which (many of them) are coming from women who've been through relationships with terrible men and come out the other side. Because they/we know that there is no magic word. There is no real misunderstanding. As you suspect, he wants to hurt you. The rape - which you're classifying under sexual behaviour in your mind, and not connecting with control - is the most controlling thing you can do to another person short of killing them.

In short, there's no cure you can administer to him or you that will mend this - the only cure is to cut him out i.e. move yourself physically out of his control.

Otherwise you'll wake up 20 years when the kids have left home and if he can he'll still be raping you in your sleep (but worse as a PP said) and you'll have become a shadow of the strong young woman you are today.

Don't feel awful OP - the blame lies solely with him. If he wasn't assaulting you, raping you, financially controlling you you wouldn't be thinking of leaving. His behaviour is responsible for the state of your marriage.

Oh dear. I came on to check if you had left him yet and instead I read more horrors. I am afraid this man’s behaviour seriously casts doubt on how he might behave around vulnerable or drugged patients at work. You say you are 100% sure he doesn’t do anything to his patients. With respect everything you have posted suggests you are not able to judge this.

All you definitely know is he is a sexual abuser- do you think it is only you he abuses because he finds you so attractive? Men like this don’t care whose hole or what hole they put it in. He is a predator preying on the vulnerable - you, your babies, patients.

I understand that you have been conditioned not to question authority, but you are minimising his behaviour continually- he is ‘messing’ by spunking over your sleeping face, ‘at least he finds you attractive’ wtf?

This man works in a hospital, in a professional capacity; he will have been trained and trained on issues to do with recognising domestic violence, consent, sexual abuse. He is only interested in his juvenile obsession with sexual attention. The thought that he sticks his finger inside your vagina uninvited while you are washing up is truly vile.

Every poster has reacted with horror at what this man is doing to you. You do not deserve to be treated as a receptacle for his sperm- where is the respect, love or care in your relationship. Stop making excuses for why it happens. It happens because he is an abuser. I am waiting for you to get angry…
Speak to anyone in authority at work- they will know what to do. Your husband is a safeguarding concern for ANY woman or child ( including your children) they come into contact with.

All your life, you have done what others have told you to. Today you need to do what is right. Act at your first opportunity.

No i think he abuses me because im his wife, he can get away with it, and he doesnt see it as abuse. After all arent most women who are sexually assaulted assaulted by their husbands?

He would never EVER hurt my children.