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Original poster

Disappointing proposal

443 replies

permanentgiraffe · 14/08/2022 07:47

I haven't name changed for this, as I don't want anyone to think this isn't genuine.

DP and I just bought a house on Friday. I has a feeling he was going to propose to coincide with this- we had already bought the ring together a couple of months ago.

He didn't propose on Friday. Yesterday, we had a really nice emotional moment where DP played our joint playlist, we were stood together in our new kitchen surrounded by boxes and DP started to cry in the moment. But, he didn't propose then.

We went out and he could tell I was a little upset. He asked why. I said, "that was a nice moment". He said "I think I know what you are trying to say. Don't worry, we'll spend time together this evening" (we'd been unpacking in different rooms most of the day).

In the evening I put dinner in the oven and set the alexa timer - DP was in the room with me, we were just on the sofa waiting for dinner to be ready. I was only in a massive t-shirt due to the heat so went upstairs to the bedroom to put some underwear on as I didn't want to be proposed to without wearing any, as silly as that may sound! I had told DP I was going upstairs to put underwear on. I went upstairs and realised the bedroom was completely tidy - DP had, without me knowing, unpacked and completed this room. DP walked in behind me, at this point the blinds are open and I'm scrabbling around in the laundry basket to try and find some underwear to wear! He has his arm behind his back so it was obvious what was coming. I say I'm just trying to find some underwear to wear and the blinds are open. DP scrabbles around closing the blinds with one arm behind him. He then goes down on one knee and says a sentence about this being the first complete room in the house and will I give him the honour of being his wife. And then alexa went off!

I know I might sound ungrateful. I just wish he waited until perhaps the evening after I had put underwear on (!) and we had had dinner and settled down for the evening. I'm just upset that this was my once in a lifetime proposal.

OP posts:
greatblueheron · 14/08/2022 10:11

Gut · 14/08/2022 07:51

Poor sod.

He faces a lifetime of getting it wrong, doesn't he?

hahaha That was my first thought.

You were already engaged. You discussed getting married and went out and bought a ring weeks ago. Like mature grown ups. Don't pick at him now.

EkinWho · 14/08/2022 10:12

mam0918 · 14/08/2022 09:41

Your not wrong to be disappointed or angry.

I'm not for big proposals (a proposal can be anything but must be MUTUAL) at all but women suggesting other women have to be 'grateful' that someone asked them to marry them half asedly when they dont even have underwear on and already told them 'not now' then is abusive and ridiculous.

You have every right to set boundries (and the boundries that you wanted to put your underwear on in peace and that you would be ready in a moment is obviously a clear and fair boundry) and to say 'no' or 'not now' to a marraige proposal.

Its YOUR choice not his, you dont have to accept someone disrespecting what you asked of them and frankly women scrambling to desperately accept anything even the senario you dicribed is really sad.

Its clear to any normally functioning person that the situation wasnt right, trying to catch you off gaurd when you are vunerable is actually a classic type of abuse.

Jeezo, the sun is getting to some people this weekend. So many angry people always looking for the worst. If must be a long life.

Whiskeypowers · 14/08/2022 10:13

When I was proposed to it was like a romantic scene from a movie: deserted beautiful beach , perfect sunset, he’d drawn a heart in the sand and written me a poem. I had no idea it was coming.

he turned out to be an abusive piece of shit

Hope that makes you feel better!
don’t dwell on it move forward

motherofcatsandbears · 14/08/2022 10:13

Good grief - were you expecting a proposal at the top of the Eiffel Tower after he hired a private jet to whisk you off for a luxury weekend in Paris? You’ve been watching too many romantic films. Poor man - I feel really sorry for him, being lumbered with someone so ungrateful and entitled.

canina · 14/08/2022 10:13

He sounds loving and romantic, embrace that.
Do not make him feel like he is a disappointment, your resentment will show through.
Think of his feelings and learn to compromise.
Congratulation, hopefully you will laugh about the story one day soon.

bridgetreilly · 14/08/2022 10:14

@Passthetena because that’s literally what it is. Being ‘engaged’ is not its own status. You are ‘engaged to be married’, that is, you have agreed to get married. The ring is a token of that, but not a necessary part of it. The big proposal is a completely unnecessary part of it. It’s just an agreement to get married and you can do it any time, anywhere, anyhow. No big deal.

2orangey · 14/08/2022 10:14

Congratulations OP! As a PP said, there is nothing to stop you from booking one of those engagement photoshoots and then going somewhere fancy for a meal, all dressed up (even with knickers on!). Then you have some perfect looking pics to show off, even if you know reality was a bit more quirky.

Your DP sounds lovely, it seems like he was under a lot of pressure to create a perfect romantic moment and honestly I think he did a pretty good job by surprising you with a fully set up bedroom. It suggests he is thoughtful and considerate, and can hold his own when it comes to domestic tasks (unlike so many 'DPs' on Mumsnet!).

A lot of people struggle to afford a house, to meet the right person and get married (again, on Mumsnet we always read about 'DPs' who refuse to commit after a decade together and 2 kids). In many ways you are 'living the dream'.

Enjoy your engagement, wedding and most importantly marriage and please don't let your search for perfection ruin what sounds like a really good thing.

99victoria · 14/08/2022 10:15

My ex and I were obviously way ahead of our time - we got engaged nearly 40 years ago. We were discussing our relationship one evening when we were cooking dinner and he said 'shall we get married then?' We then discussed possible dates and we went out the next day and bought a ring together. We were happily married for over 20 years and had 3 children together.

I have since remarried. My husband proposed to me when we were in bed on the eve of my 50th birthday after we'd been out for dinner. Again, we went out to buy the ring the next day. As far as I'm concerned, making the decision to get married is something you do together - I have really never understood all this fuss about how the proposal happens. FGS, women have fought so hard and long to be taken seriously, why are so many still buying into this fairytale of 'If I'm special enough, he'll give me the perfect marriage proposal'?

oakleaffy · 14/08/2022 10:16

You bought the ring BEFORE a proposal?
That means he thinks you are getting married, a de facto proposal?

Marriage is hard work, don't make it harder by fussing about ''Proposals''..He sounds a nice bloke, count yourself lucky.

UnagiForLife · 14/08/2022 10:17

The point where you decided to buy an engagement ring together was the proposal. This all sounds a bit forced and a recipe for disaster.

SummerLobelia · 14/08/2022 10:17

Actually I would quite like to know what the ring is like as i LOVE rings. [pretty please OP]

RudsyFarmer · 14/08/2022 10:19

i made DP propose twice as the first time he didn’t get down on one knee 😂. We still haven’t got married ten years later 🤭

UnagiForLife · 14/08/2022 10:21

I hope you can laugh about this together some day as it’s actually quiet a funny story. Enjoy wedding prep and married life and don’t ever expect everything to be perfect as you’ll be disappointed.

SandyLanes · 14/08/2022 10:22

Seems like a bit of a non issue given you had already bought the ring together.

congratulations anyway OP!

BrutusMcDogface · 14/08/2022 10:22

poor bloke.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 14/08/2022 10:24

permanentgiraffe · 14/08/2022 07:47

I haven't name changed for this, as I don't want anyone to think this isn't genuine.

DP and I just bought a house on Friday. I has a feeling he was going to propose to coincide with this- we had already bought the ring together a couple of months ago.

He didn't propose on Friday. Yesterday, we had a really nice emotional moment where DP played our joint playlist, we were stood together in our new kitchen surrounded by boxes and DP started to cry in the moment. But, he didn't propose then.

We went out and he could tell I was a little upset. He asked why. I said, "that was a nice moment". He said "I think I know what you are trying to say. Don't worry, we'll spend time together this evening" (we'd been unpacking in different rooms most of the day).

In the evening I put dinner in the oven and set the alexa timer - DP was in the room with me, we were just on the sofa waiting for dinner to be ready. I was only in a massive t-shirt due to the heat so went upstairs to the bedroom to put some underwear on as I didn't want to be proposed to without wearing any, as silly as that may sound! I had told DP I was going upstairs to put underwear on. I went upstairs and realised the bedroom was completely tidy - DP had, without me knowing, unpacked and completed this room. DP walked in behind me, at this point the blinds are open and I'm scrabbling around in the laundry basket to try and find some underwear to wear! He has his arm behind his back so it was obvious what was coming. I say I'm just trying to find some underwear to wear and the blinds are open. DP scrabbles around closing the blinds with one arm behind him. He then goes down on one knee and says a sentence about this being the first complete room in the house and will I give him the honour of being his wife. And then alexa went off!

I know I might sound ungrateful. I just wish he waited until perhaps the evening after I had put underwear on (!) and we had had dinner and settled down for the evening. I'm just upset that this was my once in a lifetime proposal.

So you’ve already got a ring, which means you’ve already agreed to get married. Why is a silly pretend proposal necessary? You sound extremely hard work, and very young.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/08/2022 10:24

bridgetreilly · 14/08/2022 10:14

@Passthetena because that’s literally what it is. Being ‘engaged’ is not its own status. You are ‘engaged to be married’, that is, you have agreed to get married. The ring is a token of that, but not a necessary part of it. The big proposal is a completely unnecessary part of it. It’s just an agreement to get married and you can do it any time, anywhere, anyhow. No big deal.

I hope Vanessa Feltz is reading this!

SpringIntoChaos · 14/08/2022 10:24

See...I just don't understand this new 'thing' about 'the right proposal' that seems to be the millennial way now 🤷‍♀️ You must have already known you were getting married as you had the ring? So why all the fuss? Just put it on and get on with your lives! 🤦‍♀️

FabFitFifties · 14/08/2022 10:26

Congratulations OP. You've got to admit, if you reread your posts, your obsession with having your knickers on makes a very funny read. 🤣

orbitalcrisis · 14/08/2022 10:28

He completely unpacked the bedroom then waited for you to see what he had done so he could propose and all you did was obsess about wanting to wear underpants while he did it! I understand why you're disappointed, see if you can find a romantic way to make it up to him.

Dalaidramailama · 14/08/2022 10:29

oh.my.god

I am totally speechless at this. The most spoilt thing I’ve ever read on mumsnet. The poor bastard is never going to live up to your expectations is he? He should run for the hills.

You do know that “imperfect moments” can actually be completely perfect right?? That’s real life, not the shit you see on Instagram where someone’s proposed on the beach during a sunset.

Good grief.

SwedeCarrotLime · 14/08/2022 10:29

You have been sold ridiculous expectations by a lifetime of rom coms and now social media.

It sounds like you have a kind, thoughtful man who tried to make the purchase of your home together the central part of his proposal. You spoilt it by insisting on putting on knickers! For goodness’ sake have a word with yourself. You will be much much happier if you don’t put so much pressure on #makingmemories.

Sidisawetlettuce · 14/08/2022 10:31

Oh FFS. Why do women who are already shacked up with a bloke, and who have already chosen a ring still want some 1950s down on one knee proposal? 🙄

Justkidding55 · 14/08/2022 10:32

Mine proposed while I was stressed out trying to sort out a sodding printer that seemed to be not working properly. I was annoyed that he was sitting typing on his phone instead of helping properly. Then all of a sudden it started printing and his proposal came out. It wasn’t all flowers and fairy lights and lots of fuss. It doesn’t matter.
then we picked a ring and I just put it on.
the proposal is the bit where you agreed to marry? Just be happy that you met and are going to be together. Nothing else matters

GinIronic · 14/08/2022 10:33

Gut · 14/08/2022 07:51

Poor sod.

He faces a lifetime of getting it wrong, doesn't he?

This.