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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend been evicted..

200 replies

whitefiorlane · 13/08/2022 16:35

We have been together over a year.
He spoke about moving in together and I said I wasn't ready for that yet.
That was 3 months ago
He has his own flat
He has told me today he has been evicted and owes over £1500 rent (3 months)
I was just starting to think about us moving in together ...then I find out he stopped paying his rent.
Not sure how I'm supposed to feel
He said he couldn't afford it
He earns £1,700 a month and rent is £500

OP posts:
EveningOverRooftops · 13/08/2022 18:43

Also OK let’s see how KIND he is when you assert a boundary and say ‘no, now isn’t a good time for you to move in’.

set a boundary and test his reaction. If he’s pushy, array, thinks you don’t care about him he’s a cocklodger in the making and pushing this one boundary down will show you he’ll push down every single one you try to set.

Daleksatemyshed · 13/08/2022 18:43

Sorry Op but I agree with everyone else. If he earns £1700 a month then he should be very comfortable if his rent is £500. So this leaves 2 options 1 He stopped paying the rent to try and force you to let him move in, this is not good, you don't want to be forced into anything or 2 he spends his money on gambling, drugs, sex workers, you name it and that's even worse.
You said No for a good reason, listen to your instincts and tell him No again

DragonflyNights · 13/08/2022 18:47

If he’s in HA he should speak to his housing officer to try and come to an arrangement to start paying back what he owes. But doesn’t sound like he wants to do that - sounds like he’s pissed his money on buying your affections and decided he’d rather live with you.

DeanStockwelll · 13/08/2022 18:48

I agree with all PP , for the love of god dont let him move in.
There is no way he should be in debt with his rent like that no matter what else he has going on .
Do not fall for any sob stories , do not let him stay over night for ' just a few days' you wont get rid of him .
If he normally stays overnight when you do get together make sure you make a point of reminding him to take his toothbrush shaving stuff spare underwear etc home with him or bit by bit he will leave more and more at your place and move in by stealth.

If you are feeling really really kind , go to his home and sit down with him and go through his finances
Wages minus . . . . .
Rent - £500
gas -?
Elecy-?
water -?
Council tax -?
shopping
etc
if he is honest with you about other debts like credit cards, loans he should be able to work out a sensible payment plan.
Tell him once he has paid off all of his debts and has been financially sound and saving up for 12 months you may consider letting him move in

But in all honesty I would drop him like a very hot brick !

DartmoorDoughnut · 13/08/2022 18:49

So many red flags he may as well have a sodding parade.

If he moves in he will be impossible to get out.

Stick to your no.

IReallyLikeCrows · 13/08/2022 18:50

He's lying. I live in social housing and I know a couple who have had difficulty with their rent. The housing association have been incredibly helpful and they've just about caught up with their arrears now. There was no immediate action to evict them although I'm sure that would have happened if they'd shown no sign of wanting to get back on track.

Either he has not been paying rent for longer than he's told you or he's decided that he doesn't have to pay the rent because he'll be moving in with you and he can use the "I'm going to be evicted" excuse to get you to agree.

If he really can't pay rent how would you rely on him to pay his part of the rent/mortgage on your home? You've said he's kind and buys you gifts etc. This is the money he should have been spending on rent. He's trying to make you want to live with him by spending money he doesn't actually have.

I would be incredibly wary of moving in with him. He is dishonest and unreliable.

PetalParty · 13/08/2022 18:51

He will most likely imply he couldn’t afford rent because he has wined and dined you with that money… the next step of course is you give him the rent money to make up for how cruel you’re being not allowing him to live with you.

This will be calculated guilt tripping and emotional blackmail.

Do not move him in. Do not pay his rent. Do not feel obligated or guilty in any way, you are not responsible in the least.

Chooksnroses · 13/08/2022 18:53

He's an idiot. Rent or mortgage first always. Don't bale him out. Go not live with him. You'll regret it if you do.

saraclara · 13/08/2022 18:53

CredibilityProblem · 13/08/2022 17:07

Send him to Citizens Advice or a debt charity to sort out his finances and organise a repayment plan.

Do not even think of letting him move in.

That. He's a complete idiot to mess up the entire good fortune to have a housing association property, so he needs to get into damage limitation now. First thing he can do is set up a DD that pays his rent the day after he gets paid.

He's clearly terrible with money if he's spent heavily on gifts and nights away instead of paying his rent. Definitely don't get any shared financial commitment with him.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/08/2022 18:55

He’s expecting you to feel sorry for him and be soft/daft enough to let him move in.
Don’t do it!

Thelittleweasel · 13/08/2022 18:56

@whitefiorlane

As others say this is just the start of the process. When a tenant is 2 months in arrears of rent the landlord serves a "Section 8" notice which then has to be enforced by the County court. To escape the court proceeding he can simply reduce the arrears to less than two months [not necessarily the whole lot] and should set up a means to pay the arrears although that cannot be enforced.

The landlord can - of course - simply go to court as well for the o/s rent. If that happens then he will get a CCJ and will find it very difficult to get another tenancy. A Housing Association tenancy is worth its weight in gold!

ClearestBlue · 13/08/2022 19:01

whitefiorlane · 13/08/2022 16:43

Thing is he's so kind
Gifts ,nights away
He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )

It’s not kindness it’s irresponsible. He doesn’t have the money for these things if he can’t pay rent.

You’d be foolish to let him move in or even continue with him. He sounds like a child.

wellhelloitsme · 13/08/2022 19:04

Thing is he's so kind
Gifts ,nights away
He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )

So he's spent money on gifts and nights away (the latter of which he will have enjoyed too) and has bought household items for you like pans... ready for the nice new kitchen he'll be enjoying you cooking for him in soon.

You know, your kitchen.

Because men like him, who are so irresponsible and entitled, won't be contributing to their fair share of chores.

Don't be a mug. You'd be fucking mad to let him move in.

And don't let him stay 'for a few days' either. He'll never go and he'll start doing sad eyes when you ask him when he's leaving / where he's going to live.

He's planned this for ages. He just didn't give a shit whether it happened with your consent or by stealth.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/08/2022 19:05

EveningOverRooftops · 13/08/2022 18:43

Also OK let’s see how KIND he is when you assert a boundary and say ‘no, now isn’t a good time for you to move in’.

set a boundary and test his reaction. If he’s pushy, array, thinks you don’t care about him he’s a cocklodger in the making and pushing this one boundary down will show you he’ll push down every single one you try to set.

Op doesn't need to test him.
He's already shown his hand.

He asked to move in 3 months ago. OP said no.
He stopped paying rent 3 months ago.
Hardly a fucking coincidence is it.

He's also bullshitting her about the "eviction".
If she carries on seeing this one, she's got a screw loose.

Cocoatheclown · 13/08/2022 19:06

OP Gifts ,nights away
"He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )"

If he's got money for these items ^^ then he's got money to pay his rent hasn't he?

Do not move this guy in until he's solvent.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/08/2022 19:09

EveningOverRooftops · 13/08/2022 18:43

Also OK let’s see how KIND he is when you assert a boundary and say ‘no, now isn’t a good time for you to move in’.

set a boundary and test his reaction. If he’s pushy, array, thinks you don’t care about him he’s a cocklodger in the making and pushing this one boundary down will show you he’ll push down every single one you try to set.

Apologies @EveningOverRooftops the above post wasn't a pop at you!

It's simply that OP has already set a boundary.
She said no 3 months ago.
So her b/f decided to stop paying rent, to force her hand.

Or .. he actually IS paying his rent, but inventing a Cocklodger & Bull story to coerce her into giving in. She's seen zero evidence to back up his sorry tale, & HA-experienced PP have pointed out it just does NOT stack up.

Either way, he is seriously manipulative & bad news. See PP re: Love Bombing & Favour Sharking.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 13/08/2022 19:12

He buys you presents but can’t afford to pay his rent. Yeah.
Please don’t let this cocklodger into your home.

HotWashCycle · 13/08/2022 19:12

It looks as though he has been planning this for a long time, perhaps as long ago as when you got together. The pans thing was a red alert - he is definitely trying to set up home with you at yours.. Don't do it,OP. He has not been honest with you, and it would be a nightmare.

MeridianB · 13/08/2022 19:14

Ladyof2022 · 13/08/2022 16:47

Oh darling, this is known as "grooming".

He's making you beholden to him and so so so grateful, that you will let him move in.

Pans, so he owns some of the items in your home. AKA moving in by stealth.

He's now finished the grooming and wants the pay-back.

Show quote history

Sadly I agree with this. It doesn’t sound as if he’s been honest. He’s not someone you want to share a home and financial commitment with.

Ravenclawdropout · 13/08/2022 19:15

🚩 He has just proven himself to be irresponsible and financially illiterate, two of the worst qualities to attempt to build a permanent relationship on. Under no circumstances let this man move in. I would take a step back TBH, he sounds like a nightmare.

UniversalAunt · 13/08/2022 19:29

Ugh, monster typo.

’You are NOT under obligation to help or rescue him with this situation.’

dropthevipers · 13/08/2022 19:30

How's it going OP? Are you getting the picture yet?

dapsnotplimsolls · 13/08/2022 19:34

whitefiorlane · 13/08/2022 16:43

Thing is he's so kind
Gifts ,nights away
He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )

Cocklodge preparations.

PritiPatelsMaker · 13/08/2022 19:35

How's it going OP? Are you getting the picture yet?

The OP hadn't been back for a few hours so we can only hope she has got the message and blocked the Cockllodger, Red Flag Wearing, Boundary Pushing jerk.

SouthernComforter · 13/08/2022 19:41

whitefiorlane · 13/08/2022 16:43

Thing is he's so kind
Gifts ,nights away
He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )

Maybe he bought the household items because he was expecting to use them - when he moved into your place?!
I'm no expert here but I'd be wary. Trying to move in when you don't want him to makes him sound a bit... coercive? He'll probably have some kind of debt record that will make it difficult to get other properties or credit in future. And he doesn't seem very good at communicating! There are some definite red flags here.