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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend been evicted..

200 replies

whitefiorlane · 13/08/2022 16:35

We have been together over a year.
He spoke about moving in together and I said I wasn't ready for that yet.
That was 3 months ago
He has his own flat
He has told me today he has been evicted and owes over £1500 rent (3 months)
I was just starting to think about us moving in together ...then I find out he stopped paying his rent.
Not sure how I'm supposed to feel
He said he couldn't afford it
He earns £1,700 a month and rent is £500

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 13/08/2022 18:05

I would also be waiting for the ‘I can’t work any more because the housing stuff has been stressful and I’m struggling’

This little sponge would only be allowed to be struggling to remove my foot from his arse.

Boybandfacedfannyfart · 13/08/2022 18:05

Congratulations on your new 🍆🛌 hun!

new pans! All the better to cook his dinner with! Stick with this fuckwit and you’ll be getting petrol station flowers and an ironing board for Christmas.

just out of curiosity:

  1. how often does he stay at your place?
  2. how often have you stayed at his?
Seeingadistance · 13/08/2022 18:07

Stravaig · 13/08/2022 18:04

Run!

and don't look back!

Efrogwraig · 13/08/2022 18:07

An RSL will always try to come to an arrangement to help someone in arrears. He needs to talk to them about a repayment package. He has not been evicted. There is still lots of time to sort things. He needs to get sorting.

katishot · 13/08/2022 18:08

Classic hobosexual/cocklodger behaviour.

There's always some kind of "accommodation emergency" a short while after getting together with someone - in your case it's taken a bit longer... 9 months before he manufactured his emergency by not paying rent.
Then they manipulate their way in to live at their girlfriend's/boyfriend's place then there's no getting rid of them. They don't pay their way. Quite often after the accommodation emergency there will be a "work emergency" where they lose their job (through no fault of their own of course), they then can't pay towards the shared place with their partner (and don't need to because the partner's pretty much got it covered anyway). They occasionally shove in a tenner for shopping or buy some pans or other useless household shit that no one needed - that's to keep the partner sweet.

And then they sit around unemployed because they don't really need a job because the partner's working and paying for everything. And once the partner gets pissed off with this they claim depression...

Absolutely classic. You see it on here all the time.

So no, do not let him move in.

Fimofriend · 13/08/2022 18:09

If you have only dated for a year he might have been planning this from the start.

TheCatterall · 13/08/2022 18:09

So basically he stopped paying rent when he brought up living together- knowing he’d get evicted and thus forcing you to roll over on your decision or see him homeless.

so he managed before then to manage his money - suddenly failed from 3 months ago…. What’s he done with the £1500 that he’s mismanaged?

hes still got a debt to be paid to them for the missing rent. It will be more of eviction related fees are added. I wouldn’t let him move in with you.

he can set up a payment arrangement with them if he pulls his fingers out and knuckles down to clear it off.

do not back down and make it clear he can’t come to you even temporarily. He needs to sort this out.

UniversalAunt · 13/08/2022 18:11

He has spent the money he is required to spend as an independent adult not on rent & essentials but on lovebombing you.

More red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 tham a Moscow May Day parade.

You are under obligation to help or rescue him with this situation.
He chose how to spend the money.
He has to come to an accommodation with the HA.

Be wary, very wary.

GetThatHelmetOn · 13/08/2022 18:11

Jesus, 1700 a month and only 500 a month for rent and cannot make ends meet??

Honestly Op, you would be mental to let him stay with you. But I guess that all the gifts and pans last week were so you couldn’t say no, but you would be crazy to fall for it.

Do you have children? Do you get UC/TC/etc? If so, put yourself and your kids first and end it before you get more entangled in this.

KimWexlersPonyTail · 13/08/2022 18:13

This happened to a friend of mine, it ended very badly for her last wee. Money stolen from her, threats of violence etc. He was in debt up to his ears and all the presents etc were bought with her money. Keep him out.

PeekAtYou · 13/08/2022 18:14

Once he's moved in, it will be much harder to get him to move out. He'll use the "nowhere to go" excuse to make you feel awful for evicting him,

Wake Up. The gifts are not kindness. They are setting you up as his sugar mummy.

Forcefield · 13/08/2022 18:15

"Parasitic lifestyle" is one of the hallmarks of a sociopath.

For · 13/08/2022 18:16

whitefiorlane · 13/08/2022 16:43

Thing is he's so kind
Gifts ,nights away
He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )

Buying household items and pans sounds to me like someone who is trying very hard to make it “our home” not “your home”. Did he ask if you needed pans, ask which ones you wanted? No? Did you pick out the household stuff together? No? Then he’s not kind, he’s manipulative.

Bottom line is, he asked to move in, you said no, and he immediately stopped paying rent. So he created a situation where he knew they’d evict him. He keeps all this secret for three months(!!) until he gets the eviction letter and then suddenly tells you all about it.

He’s manipulating you into letting him move in. Once in, he will take over your home and not pay rent and I’ll bet the gifts and nights away will stop quickly.

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 13/08/2022 18:18

Look up "love bombing."

Yorkshirepuddingwithsyrupnotgravy · 13/08/2022 18:20

If he earns £1700 how can he not afford his rent? You need to look hard at vhis finances. Is he gambling? He'll move in and become your cocklodger. Dont fall for it!

Thelnebriati · 13/08/2022 18:24

@whitefiorlane Gifts ,nights away
He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )

That's not kindness, its loan sharking. Loan sharking is when someone does something to make you feel obligated to them. Its a coercive techniques.
HA flats for single men are like hens teeth, its not a sound financial plan to stop paying rent and spend the money on 'gifts'.

I recommend you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, and Why Does He Do That by Frank Lundy, they are both available online.

Blowthemandown · 13/08/2022 18:25

whitefiorlane · 13/08/2022 16:43

Thing is he's so kind
Gifts ,nights away
He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )

@whitefiorlane but he has no money to pay the rent - he can’t cherry pick. He had the rent money and has chosen not to pay it and is now in a mess. He has no control where money is concerned - he should make an arrangement to pay the rent by standing order the day be is paid and come to an agreement to pay the £1500 back at £100 a month or something on top. Then be more strict on finances. Not trying to take you away and pretending he can afford it.

Shinyandnew1 · 13/08/2022 18:27

He spoke about moving in together and I said I wasn't ready for that yet.That was 3 months ago

But he stopped paying his rent anyway?! What a prince among men!

WhereAreMyAirpods · 13/08/2022 18:27

whitefiorlane · 13/08/2022 16:43

Thing is he's so kind
Gifts ,nights away
He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )

Gifts and nights away, and not paying his rent.

What a numpty. Run for the hills OP, he is a nightmare.

NinaBalatka · 13/08/2022 18:31

AnyFucker · 13/08/2022 16:55

Thing is he's so kind

Kill me now

And then kill me.

DPotter · 13/08/2022 18:33

I know it seems we've all piled on to dis the BF, but please please trust us. Don't let him move in. Don't let him even stay over. Tell him to get his act sorted about a repayment plan with the housing association. And if you really want to live with him in the future, ask him what he's been spending his money on for the last 3 months ?

Anyone who gives up a housing association flat is not sensible with money at all. Someone with an income of £1700 shouldn't be unable to pay a rent of £500

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 13/08/2022 18:34

If you stay with him bet you any money is starts going on about getting you pregnant, because then you can't get away.

If/when that happens you will eventually leave because it will become unbearable when he spends all the money and does not parenting.

If/when you try to leave he will either:

Try to kill you (like mine did)

or

Go for 50/50 custody of the child/ren and then use them to hurt you either by neglecting them or directly hurting or killing them.

Stereotypes come from experience.

Hobele · 13/08/2022 18:35

whitefiorlane · 13/08/2022 16:43

Thing is he's so kind
Gifts ,nights away
He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )

He's a bit keen, isn't he? He's know about this for a while and clearly looking for a new home... OP, don't be blind.

Namerchangerextraordinaire · 13/08/2022 18:36

Were they £500 pans & did you actually even want them?

Seems like a small investment from him for the chance of a few years of leaving you to foot the bill for everything.

Sadly, he's so unoriginal many women on this thread & off it have lived this relationship.

Let him move in, come back & read this thread in a year & it will be post after post that read like everyone was a fly on the wall watching your life.

If you want to ruin your life & spend years getting out of the debt he WILL plunge you into before you manage to get rid of him, keep on with this relationship.

It's going nowhere you want it to.

If he can't afford a £500 a month flat, he won't be able to afford to pay his own way when he gets his feet under your table.

If he can afford to pay you anything, then why isn't he paying his rent when he has the money sat there?

EveningOverRooftops · 13/08/2022 18:39

whitefiorlane · 13/08/2022 16:43

Thing is he's so kind
Gifts ,nights away
He has bought food from supermarket,bought household items (came back with pans the other week )

Pans!? Why?

he’s trying to move himself in slowly and get you thinking ‘ aww he buys stuff for the flat’.

don’t move in with him yet if he ‘can’t afford rent’ as you’ll be subsiding him in some way shape or form. He’s showing, despite his income, he can’t budget.