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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A mum leaving children behind.

299 replies

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:09

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

OP posts:
ChristinaXYZ · 13/08/2022 20:29

No matter how clear you make it you would still seem to them to be abandoning them, deep down. The fact that they are in the family home will reinforce that. Even if they have to share - it is hardly 'walking over hot coals'. When they are older they will understand why they had to share. They may never understand why you did not take them with you.

Sell up and share what you have with them. That's the only thing to do. They need to know you need them, desperately, completely absolutely.

It is also a good life lesson. We haven't got much but we stick together and we share.

Good luck OP. I hope the split is quick and easy as poss and that you find a suitable place to rent. Give them the biggest room with curtains, room dividers and all that. It will work out.

whumpthereitis · 13/08/2022 20:30

^to add on to my previous: in my previous job I have seen moving away in this manner bite women hard on the arse on more than one occasion. It is not an act that is regarded well by judges.

OppsUpsSide · 13/08/2022 20:31

I wasn’t married, when we split I left the house with the DC as he wouldn’t. I was named on the mortgage and the deeds. I never saw a penny of the house and ended up having to sign it over to him as he’d ‘’paid the mortgage’ (I was busy paying rent obviously.) And I did get legal advice.
Just a word of warning.

Scepticalwotsits · 13/08/2022 20:35

Dasher789 · 13/08/2022 20:08

Could you not remortgage OP and take a mortgage of 100k more to allow you to pay of your husband and stay in the house?

In other thread op said she cannot afford the mortgage, then that she could but because of her wage won’t be able to get it transferred over to just her so would need her husband to still be on it.

OriginalUsername2 · 13/08/2022 20:35

Take them with you. Mum leaving will hurt harder than a split that makes sense. I had to live apart from my children during covid and it physically hurt.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 13/08/2022 20:36

It sounds like you are not liking the position that you now find yourself in, and are kind of provocatively putting forward that you don’t have to be the default main parent, and that this would mean a different type of split.

I don’t think you are in a nice position to be honest. However you have highlighted what many women do without any appreciation at all, they take the burden of the split, the weight of responsibility and financials, and just get on with the struggle.

In a situation like now, emotions are raw. So if you can bear it, don’t move out yet and take your time over the new arrangement and make sure it benefits both you and your children. If you’ve been the main carer so far, then it will be quite disruptive for this to change. Emotionally it’s more important to have stability and your Ex can’t just carry on living in the house - you will need to split it at some point. Breaking up is awful, it’s so rarely worth the long term costs (unless one partner is abusive) - I’m not saying it’s your fault OP but think through whether he’s really crossed the line or not. Maybe ask him to move out temporarily?

BadNomad · 13/08/2022 20:47

The OP has explained over both threads that he does not want them to split and therefore he will not do anything to help this happen amicably. He will not let her buy him out. He will not leave so she and the children can stay in the family home. He wants her to stay in that house with him. The only way she can get away from him is for her to leave the family home, with or without the kids.

Itsgettinghotinhre · 13/08/2022 20:51

CherryBlossomAutumn · 13/08/2022 20:36

It sounds like you are not liking the position that you now find yourself in, and are kind of provocatively putting forward that you don’t have to be the default main parent, and that this would mean a different type of split.

I don’t think you are in a nice position to be honest. However you have highlighted what many women do without any appreciation at all, they take the burden of the split, the weight of responsibility and financials, and just get on with the struggle.

In a situation like now, emotions are raw. So if you can bear it, don’t move out yet and take your time over the new arrangement and make sure it benefits both you and your children. If you’ve been the main carer so far, then it will be quite disruptive for this to change. Emotionally it’s more important to have stability and your Ex can’t just carry on living in the house - you will need to split it at some point. Breaking up is awful, it’s so rarely worth the long term costs (unless one partner is abusive) - I’m not saying it’s your fault OP but think through whether he’s really crossed the line or not. Maybe ask him to move out temporarily?

OP must know if he has crossed the line and so will he. I can understand OP is under pressure but OPS solution is unusual to even consider leaving her kids.

It's not fair on the eldest child at 12 to live within an atmosphere better OP sorts the situation out now.

laalaaland · 13/08/2022 20:53

I know it seems an impossible option, but you do have option C - stay. Not forever, just until you are in a better position financially.

Don't let him ruin your life. He is holding all the cards. Call his bluff. Carry on living together but apart. Do NOTHING for him (laundry meals etc), prioritise your children.

You mention he works shifts, so that's half the time he's out anyway, you could organise your life so that you can be out as much as possible when he's home, so have very little contact.

Yes, it will be hard, but not as hard as scraping by for the rest of your life, filled with resentment that his actions have put you in this position.

Dreamwhisper · 13/08/2022 20:54

BadNomad · 13/08/2022 20:47

The OP has explained over both threads that he does not want them to split and therefore he will not do anything to help this happen amicably. He will not let her buy him out. He will not leave so she and the children can stay in the family home. He wants her to stay in that house with him. The only way she can get away from him is for her to leave the family home, with or without the kids.

Ah that's important.

In that case I would contact women's aid and get directed to the local domestic abuse support for advice.

I don't see how coercing your partner to stay with you and not accepting that they want to leave would not qualify as some type of abuse or coercion.

I could be wrong but if I was in the OP's shoes I would at least enquire.

Spohn · 13/08/2022 21:02

How many massive threads do you and your boyfriend need?

vroom321 · 13/08/2022 21:10

How will women's aid help? He's not abusing her physically or mentally? Yes he's being a nob but honestly what can they do?

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 13/08/2022 21:12

Dreamwhisper · 13/08/2022 20:54

Ah that's important.

In that case I would contact women's aid and get directed to the local domestic abuse support for advice.

I don't see how coercing your partner to stay with you and not accepting that they want to leave would not qualify as some type of abuse or coercion.

I could be wrong but if I was in the OP's shoes I would at least enquire.

Show quote history

He's not coercing her to stay with him. They joint own the house. She thinks he should leave, he doesn't want to, its half his house.

This might not be nice, or best for the children, or particularly fair but its a bit of a stretch to say its coercive and abusive just because the op thinks he should go live with his mum and never be able to get a mortgage because she needs his name to stay on the one for the house.

Its not abusive to not want to leave a house that is legally 50% yours.

whumpthereitis · 13/08/2022 21:22

Dreamwhisper · 13/08/2022 20:54

Ah that's important.

In that case I would contact women's aid and get directed to the local domestic abuse support for advice.

I don't see how coercing your partner to stay with you and not accepting that they want to leave would not qualify as some type of abuse or coercion.

I could be wrong but if I was in the OP's shoes I would at least enquire.

Show quote history

From the last thread, he’s not refusing to let her buy him out, she just can’t afford to buy him out. She may be able to in a few years if her business hopefully picks up, but unsurprisingly he’s doesn’t want to leave and live with his mother for however many years it takes OP to raise the money, if indeed she ever does.

It’s not abusive to refuse to leave a house that’s half yours. It’s inconvenient and uncomfortable for OP, but he’s not actually being unreasonable in saying they either remain living together, or they sell.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 21:23

If we was married though he would have to stay on the mortgage to help keep his children housed. My friends husband had to for 14 years but she was able to earn enough to take it over in 10. That was court ordered. Obviously we are not married though, now I know why he never would, because he knew at one point he would get caught out and I’d leave and he would loose half- he was clever and I was stupid unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 21:26

He is refusing to let me buy him out, as it’s not an option. I could hopefully with lots of hard work but him out in 2/4 years as before covid I was a high earner and my business has the potential to get back to how it was. But he won’t sell to me. It’s stay with him or loose the house- it’s called blackmail and that’s what his doing. He wants me to stay in the family home with him whilst his out shagging his mistress. (That last bit is not proven but why else would you clear chats and delete call logs made to a women)

OP posts:
PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 13/08/2022 21:27

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 21:23

If we was married though he would have to stay on the mortgage to help keep his children housed. My friends husband had to for 14 years but she was able to earn enough to take it over in 10. That was court ordered. Obviously we are not married though, now I know why he never would, because he knew at one point he would get caught out and I’d leave and he would loose half- he was clever and I was stupid unfortunately.

No not necessarily at all. If you can't pay the mortgage and bills on your own the house would still need to be sold. Married or not.

Houses are sold in many cases of divorce with children.

It isn't a guarantee by any stretch.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 21:28

Thank you all for your replies, after reading them all my gut instincts is definitely B. We had the estate agents around yesterday and valued the house so we will get it on the market next week, sell it and I’ll rent close by with the kids so they can atleast go to the same school and see all their friends.
I know that when we come to sell he will refuse so I’ll have to go courts to force a sale and it will take time but hopefully by then my business will be even more on its feet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 21:31

I could pay the bills and mortgage but not right now, I’d be able to pay from September as I’d get a job the day the kids go back to school, so many jobs in this town at the moment I wouldn’t have a problem getting shop work. In 2/3 years I’d hope my business was up and running enough to take his name of the mortgage if he wished but the bottom line is he won’t let me have the family home unless he is in it. So I’ll sell it.

OP posts:
Sunniejim · 13/08/2022 21:40

Hi there, I’m currently going through a divorce. I’ve left the marital home with my 17yr old son as my ex was growing weed on a large scale and would not allow me access to the bedroom so I had to sleep on a sofa (I initiated the split). We have a joint mortgage on that house and I’m renting, he pays the mortgage as and when he wants as currently it’s coming out of my personal account (This is due to him defaulting and threatening to not pay it). I have arranged for the house to be valued and have informed him of this but he is refusing this as he says he away that’s week. Can I still go ahead with the valuation without him present? He has been difficult and did not attend mediation so we will now have to attend court to get a financial disclosure and order. I’m so drained! I’m now thinking that I will buy him out as he has been stalking in doing this for 8mths, either that or we sell? I’m so confused 😐 I do have a solicitor but try to fo as much as I can myself. Anyone else gone through similar and have any advice?

Dreamwhisper · 13/08/2022 22:03

OP I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds an incredibly difficult position to be in and any solution sounds like it's going to take a lot of work and sacrifice on your part.

If he's not abuse I would be inclined to do what some other posters are suggesting and not make life easy for him. Stay in the house and carry on, live separately and don't give up your DC's or your home.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 13/08/2022 22:55

Sunniejim · 13/08/2022 21:40

Hi there, I’m currently going through a divorce. I’ve left the marital home with my 17yr old son as my ex was growing weed on a large scale and would not allow me access to the bedroom so I had to sleep on a sofa (I initiated the split). We have a joint mortgage on that house and I’m renting, he pays the mortgage as and when he wants as currently it’s coming out of my personal account (This is due to him defaulting and threatening to not pay it). I have arranged for the house to be valued and have informed him of this but he is refusing this as he says he away that’s week. Can I still go ahead with the valuation without him present? He has been difficult and did not attend mediation so we will now have to attend court to get a financial disclosure and order. I’m so drained! I’m now thinking that I will buy him out as he has been stalking in doing this for 8mths, either that or we sell? I’m so confused 😐 I do have a solicitor but try to fo as much as I can myself. Anyone else gone through similar and have any advice?

You'd be well-advised to start your own thread so that more people will see your post and be able to respond to your circumstances.

SaharaSahara · 13/08/2022 23:49

@DreamToNightmare i echo this

supercali77 · 14/08/2022 06:02

What about bird nesting? It relies upon your soon to be ex agreeing to the principle. Main home remains and all children stay there all the time. You also get a small 1 bed flat and each parent rotates, going to the main home for a week and then back to the flat for a week.

PomegranateTree · 14/08/2022 06:49

Under no circumstances ask young children to be arbiters of an adult issue. This must be resolved privately, securely and the children told, gently, what will be happening. It is unfair and childish to 'ask' a young child of 12, never mind younger, what they want in a situation of extreme change: their parents splitting. It would not be a good idea to leave your children. They are both way too young to be left by their mother. Equally, I don't understand the huge issue of 'sharing'. Plenty of children have to share bedrooms. None of this is easy OP. Good luck to you.