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Original poster

A mum leaving children behind.

299 replies

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:09

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 13/08/2022 19:05

Why would she go on a housing list if she owns a house already?!

My mistake I thought it was solely DHs house.

141mum · 13/08/2022 19:06

Sounds like you want A

Lulu49 · 13/08/2022 19:17

Have you spoken to a solicitor? I got to keep our house after pricing I could pay the mortgage myself with him there for 6 months. They then took his name off the mortgage and he moved out. My earning capacity was half of his do it was deemed he should move out and get himself a mortgage. The kids won’t care if they have to share a room. That’s not what’s important to kids

GreenOcean · 13/08/2022 19:17

Please don't leave your kids. They would never get over it. Start afresh and keep your kids with you. A better life is one where you are a happy mum. A bad marriage is like a prison sentence for everyone. You and your children are more likely to thrive away from that.

I'm 8 months since leaving a bad marriage. Like you, there wasn't anything blatantly wrong (that I know of), no overt abuse, but it was a prison sentence to a life I didn't sign up for.

MiniTheMinx · 13/08/2022 19:18

I would just prepare to camp out, see who breaks first. He will get bored and eventually find another woman and want to move out. Just ignore all of his lies, manipulation and bullying. In fact just ignore him. No cooking, shopping, washing or sex for him. He'll break first.

Lulu49 · 13/08/2022 19:18

That should have said after proving, not pricing

KJaggard1 · 13/08/2022 19:21

Option C stay in the house and let the court decide who gets it.

Kup · 13/08/2022 19:30

Does it have to be such an either or situation. If you rented very close by the girls could pop in all the time. It might be the eldest spleens at your more than the youngest. Your eldest is already 12 so will be able to choose where she stays.

Alternatively is there a way to devide the house

Kup · 13/08/2022 19:30

Divide*

HippeePrincess · 13/08/2022 19:35

You could do what I did, we sold the house split the equity 50/50 and I purchased a shared ownership house. Although 2 beds it would have worked fine as a 3 bed by splitting either of the large bedrooms.
since then I’ve doubled my earning potential by going l to uni and I’ve also got a new partner. 7 years on and we’re buying a large 4 bed semi in a nice area.
Things don’t have to be so bleak as you’re making them out to be.

LilacPoppy · 13/08/2022 19:36

B with less of the drama!

MichelleScarn · 13/08/2022 19:37

DHsOuttingHobby · 13/08/2022 19:01

Why would she go on a housing list if she owns a house already?!

Show quote history

I'd imagine housing list for East London would be decades? Could op go on it with £100k in the bank?

HippeePrincess · 13/08/2022 19:39

No you cannot go on the list for social housing with either owning another property or equity in the bank.

Sweatinglikeabitch · 13/08/2022 19:40

The fact that he is choosing his best interest over theirs shows that he isn't going to be the best choice for resident parent. Mine is doing the same now. Demanding week on week off contact of a 15 month old that contact sleeps all night and has never been away from me and spends all day every day with me while he goes to work/gym/holidays and neither of them bat an eyelid. But he can't bare the idea of getting the short end of any stick even if it means DS suffering.

Twawmyarse · 13/08/2022 19:40

MiniTheMinx · 13/08/2022 19:18

I would just prepare to camp out, see who breaks first. He will get bored and eventually find another woman and want to move out. Just ignore all of his lies, manipulation and bullying. In fact just ignore him. No cooking, shopping, washing or sex for him. He'll break first.

This is very true. You would need a very strong will though and one of you will have to sleep on the sofa.

itwasntmetho · 13/08/2022 19:54

I disagree that he's a good dad, he has put his childrens mother in a position where she is trapped with a liar and possibly a cheat.
I don't know why you're getting such a hard time here, I bet if you went on relationships board with your hunches and descriptions of his lying and behaviour changes you'd be told to smell the coffee and LTB.
I'd go for B and if your 12 year old hates sharing that much then she can vote with her feet can't she, you wont be saying that she has to live with you neither will you be abandoning anyone.
Good luck. 💐

Cats23 · 13/08/2022 19:58

B.

I was in situ B (Pretty much) But moved back to my home town - 3hrs from My then ex Dp.
It has worked well really, Ex Dp stayed in the Marital Home, had the Dc EOW, speaks daily.
They settled well in tge situ.
I would never have left them

RandomMess · 13/08/2022 20:02

@Isittrueornot there is no guarantee he will

A. Bother to apply for a prohibitive steps order

B. Gain a prohibitive steps order

If you stay in England are moving for family support, have a job secured, willing to do the travel for him to have the DC in the holidays he is unlikely to be able to force you to move back.

Dasher789 · 13/08/2022 20:08

Could you not remortgage OP and take a mortgage of 100k more to allow you to pay of your husband and stay in the house?

Nomad916 · 13/08/2022 20:11

I don't think your kids would ever forgive you OP. Do 50/50

MarvelMrs · 13/08/2022 20:16

Option B sounds better because kids will adjust to environmental changes but to be without you when you have always been there would be traumatic.
Regarding bedrooms you could sleep
in the lounge on a sofa bed and then the DC could have a bedroom each.

whumpthereitis · 13/08/2022 20:21

RandomMess · 13/08/2022 20:02

@Isittrueornot there is no guarantee he will

A. Bother to apply for a prohibitive steps order

B. Gain a prohibitive steps order

If you stay in England are moving for family support, have a job secured, willing to do the travel for him to have the DC in the holidays he is unlikely to be able to force you to move back.

If she just moves hundreds of miles away and takes the children with her he could of course just refuse to return them when he has visitation, thus forcing her to take it to court.

If it does end up in court she would not be looked on kindly for having moved them so far away from their father. They can’t force her to move back, but the argument could be made that, given the children are settled in the area, go to school in the area, and the extended family members they’re closest to (by virtue of geography) are in that area, it’s reasonable for him to have primary custody if she decides that she is going to remain hundreds of miles away.

’Just move and see what he does’ is not advice she would be wise to follow.

whumpthereitis · 13/08/2022 20:22

*primary residency, that is

Dreamwhisper · 13/08/2022 20:26

If it was me I wouldn't be able to not see my DC so infrequently. I would move into the 2 bed place and give them a room each, and get a nice day bed or corner sofa and have a combined living room bedroom for myself. No way having a 2 bed place would put me off keeping my DC with me.

What I would also do though if you're having your hand forced due to a relationship breakdown and a partner who will not compromise at all, is to see if this situation would qualify for any social housing support.

There are lots of things you can do. I don't know the background of your relationship, but my instinct is to say to ensure he cannot control you by limiting your options. Do not concede to him and he will get the message that any power play is pointless.

Skyeheather · 13/08/2022 20:29

I would carry on as you are - he will meet someone else soon enough and he'll never be at home, he'll be round at hers. When he meets someone serious she won't like the fact that he still lives with you and he'll get an ultimatum - leave you or their relationship is over. If he likes her enough an arrangement will be made for him to leave and you keep the kids.

Have patience, he's a man, no sex from you will have him moving on soon enough.....