A mum leaving children behind.

[Isittrueornot]

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

Definitely option B. A six year old needs their mum very badly (age 8 is full of literal nightmares and sleep disturbances because of brain development) no way would I leave them living with some cheating scumbag who bullies his wife and weaponises the family home like this.

Teen may not like it but that’s life and you never know, you might find a small 3 bed.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.
Then choose C -
Sell the family home. You & ex each start again - renting, or potentially even buying something in a cheaper location.
Changing location doesn't solve the schools changing issue, but it keeps you & DC together & may provide for the additional bedroom you can't afford in your current location.

what if he decides to move or gets a new partner (& she has a child so your girls still have to share) where will that leave you? You are assuming he will stay in house nearby ( & the next house be another 3 bed it might not be) and if you leave wont you loose out on claiming part of the family home and still have to pay him maintenance -
You need legal advice either from a charity or from a lawyer
& he could start playing games about you gaining access - no one knows the future

B. You need to start again even with less resources. What is most important is continued connection and relationship with kids and mom, kids and dad. Keep close to them and don’t worry about bedroom sharing or having less money or less help etc. it is what it is. Stay close to you kids. That’s all the choice can be - sorry. Staying in same home with dad I don’t think is the answer here.

How can he force you to stay nearby? Where have you go this info because I've heard of lots couples who split and one moves away.

Sorry to hear you had a hard time on another thread. Sometimes there's a couple of nasty posters who pile on.

People on the last thread where talking to me like shit saying why shouldn’t I leave the kids and why should he move out and I have no right moving away to secure their future, now Im considering it because they are my options I’m still being spoken to like shit, you need to make your minds up for goodness sake!!

You weren't spoken to like shit though. You were asked how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot and you could only see the DC in school holidays.

You called posters rude for even mentioning it, yet that's exactly what you were planning on doing.

£100k is a lot of money to start again with if you are prepared to uproot from London.

You have a WFH job so could get a small mortgage, mainly do without childcare, have a bedroom each.
Long-term you'd also be avoiding setting yourself up for penury once the kids have left home & you are too old to get a big mortgage.

Hard choices OP but I'm enraged for you that due to his cheating & lies, you are faced with this & losing your affordable mortgage. I really feel you need to factor in your own financial future, as well as protecting your kids' wellbeing.

If it was me I'd be very assertive and would be staying in the house with the kids.

On the last thread, you said you'd never leave your children. A day on, you're considering it...🤔

I couldn't leave my kids. I would walk over hot coals to keep them with me.

But that’s not always in the children’s best interests.
OP was initially wanting to move them hundreds of miles away which wouldn’t have been in their best interests.

OP if you’re living in the same town it doesn’t really matter who they would live with but it makes sense that you’re the RP if you WFH and their dad works long hours.

I would try and find a solution where they stay in their home but if there isn’t one then staying in their school and a close distance from mum and dad is what’s best for them.

Whatever you do do not leave your Dc.

Mine left my brother and I and I’ve never got over it and in my 50s! It’s affected my life so much- very low self esteem, anxiety that something awful is going to happen, that my dh will leave me, that my dh don’t really love me (despite evidence to the contrary!) I’ve had therapy and nearly everything wrong about me has stemmed from my mum leaving!

Why is it an 'abuser's charter'? Are you saying I am an abuser for merely asking? that's bullshit.

Also go on the housing list.

It may take years and the girls will have to share but it will be affordable rent.

And as I explained before he said he only wanted school holidays. I can’t make him do more childcare. If he only wants school holidays what am I supposed to do, drive the kids to the home and leave them on the doorstep?

The school holidays only, was if I was moving far away and him to his mums but that’s changed now so wouldn’t be only school holidays.

Now it would be he stays in the home so is the resident parent or I move out and rent or we sell the house and I rent. When renting it would be more 50/50 if he also rents local to where we currently live and the kids school are at but if he moves to his mum to save renting as it’s expensive he will mostly want 30% care and some holidays as he won’t put the childcare pressure on his elderly mum.

I can’t make him take the kids more, it’s not relevant what I would or wouldn’t like for the boot to be on my foot when I am letting him choose, if you have a problem with his choice then say so, but no need to put the blame on me! @HotHeatDays

Is he on the birth certificates?

The people saying you can't move them away without his permission are not entirely correct. He can try stop you. You then need to give the court reasons for why it is in their best interests - ie moving closer to family, better security (eg. housing) and assure them that their relationship with their father won't suffer. That might mean things like you doing half the driving to take them to him on his contact time, or them spending less time with him during the week but longer during the holidays or more weekend.

It's not a flat out "no you can't move out of the area".

There was a drama on TV a few months ago where the couple kept the house and either rented or bought (can’t remember) a small flat. The kids stayed in the house and the parents took turns to stay in the house or flat for a week at a time. I thought that was a really good idea.

I'm the main carer for my dc so no way would I walk away without them. I work PT (and flexibly- mostly from home) and TTO but still earn more than my dh so money not an issue thankfully.

However I've I'd been in that position as a child I'd rather have lived with my dad. He was a teacher so did all holiday care and most of the household stuff. Was generally more stable. Wouldn't have been about money as a child though.

I think nobody can give you the right answer. You have to act in the best interests of your children.

I wouldn't do all this for 'sneaky behaviour'. Even if he has an affair, why should I suffer heartbreak AND missing my children AND financial hardship all because of suspected affair? Fuck that. If we are civil we'd have an open marriage or separate but live together as housemates.
He works nights you said, so who would watch the children?
I just think you're being pig headed to your own and children's detriment. Noway would I give everything on a plate so he can move his OW if there is an OW ready to move in... the children will think you abandoned them.

If you’ve asked me in 2015 whether I ever thought I would own a property again I would’ve laughed in your face. I now own 2 and I’m pretty close to be mortgage free on one of them. I will have the other one paid off within 10 years.

Life changes very quickly, children grow, careers gain momentum it’s amazing what you can do when you just bloody will have to.

One thing I am so pleased about though is that my children have always been with me through thick and thin throughout shit times of sleep on a mattress is on the floor and I’m just about to blow 20 K on a family holiday with them.

Just as an fyi: my mother left me with my dad, in the 3 bed semi, when I was 12.

He was a perfectly good dad - but the rejection of your mother leaving you leave ever lasting scars - we don’t speak now at all.

she did move 200 miles away tho…

Nesting, that was on the split wasn’t it ? I think there was two major components to that though first of all they were both extremely wealthy and secondly they were both remarkably civilised about the whole thing thirdly I didn’t last very long did it as soon as he met somebody else it all went out the window.

Why would she go on a housing list if she owns a house already?!

The stability of being with the main caregiver and the emotional consistency is far more important than the stability of school/home. Get a sofa bed in the living room of your rented place and give the kids a room each.

You'd be mad to move out.

Bam, in moves the ow, 10 months later there's a new baby and your kids are sharing a room anyway.

I'd be telling him he has a choice, either move out or you'll move out with the dc but will need to move away to find affordable housing.

He can't stop you doing this if you have a good reason for moving away - which has been exacerbated by him.

Because that’s Mumsnet’s answer to everything claim everything that you possibly can, The assumption of course being that you cannot stand on your own 2 feet.

but actually she would be entitled to go on the housing list if there was a good reason why she wasn’t able to live in the family home.