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Original poster

A mum leaving children behind.

299 replies

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 16:09

Me and my recent ex of 17 are splitting up, we are not married. Here are my only 2 options. As a mum, what would you do?
Side note- dad is non abusive and efficient and hands on with kids.

A- As it’s upsetting for the children we are splitting, to keep them in their 3 bed family home and schools so they have some familiarity, you as the mum, moves out and rents local, leavening the kids in the family home with dad. You will work full time so see them a few evenings and EOweekend.

B- Sell the house and rent taking the kids with you. You can only afford a 2 bedroom so they will have to share. It’s unlikely you will ever be able to buy a property on your own so they will be sharing bedrooms probably forever. You will be restricted in the hours you work due to no family helping with childcare. Your on a low income, so can’t afford the extra for childcare. You will probably be in poverty for a long time, but hope to train and get a well pod job in 5/6 years.

Would you choose A or B? Bearing in mind A keeps them having their current lifestyle and school, and B will be nothing like they are used too and would change schools.

I would prefer for their dad to move out and rent instead as he has a better income and family close by to help him but he just won’t go.

Both own the family home, happy to keep my name on the mortgage as to be honest he can’t afford to buy me out and property never falls too far in london.

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 14/08/2022 07:41

Leaving your kids sounds melodramatic... I moved out, rented and then bought a house, we have 50% time each, so half the week and every second weekend.

I didnt abandon my children by not demanding i had them most of the time, kids need both parents in their lives

PMAmostofthetime · 14/08/2022 07:53

@Isittrueornot I would go and see citizens advice before you make any decisions- see what help you will get as a single residing parent- you may be able to work part time and get benefits too up to make it a full time wage.

They would advise the legality on the split of the house. With half the house you would be able to afford to rent or buy a 3 bedroom. And they won't be little forever you are talking about 4 years before your oldest can look after your youngest maybe less if she's sensible. And only a further few years after that that Youngest DD will be able to stay for short periods alone.
Oldest DD could very soon.

Look into breakfast club, after school clubs and holiday clubs to maximise the hours you will not need childcare.
Of course OH won't leave right now he's trying to force you to stay. Tell him your seeking legal advise about the house ( you can get half hour free with most solicitors) or again ask citizens advice. Once he knows your serious he may agree to go or you seek the house and get 50/50 for you to both start again.
Lots of children live with Dad and are ok, however 50/50 in 2 new houses would be much better for the children than trying to retain the home.

whumpthereitis · 14/08/2022 08:17

Isittrueornot · 13/08/2022 21:23

If we was married though he would have to stay on the mortgage to help keep his children housed. My friends husband had to for 14 years but she was able to earn enough to take it over in 10. That was court ordered. Obviously we are not married though, now I know why he never would, because he knew at one point he would get caught out and I’d leave and he would loose half- he was clever and I was stupid unfortunately.

Not necessarily. A Mesher order isn’t a foregone conclusion in divorce cases, and in fact they have become increasingly unpopular, with courts preferring there to be a clean financial break. Your friend getting one doesn’t mean that you would have done, had you been married. His earning potential being less than yours, that he struggle to afford to house himself in the local area without the money from the sale of the house, and you intend to share residency of the children, are all factors that would count against you getting one.

If you’re sharing residency of the children then it would be considered reasonable for the house to be sold, with each party being able to use their share to house themselves (and their children) appropriately.

Aphantasia · 14/08/2022 08:50

Hi op, you keep mentioning 100k as a figure but surely given the other details (that you bought over a decade ago, the mortgage is low and the area is now expensive and 100k wouldn’t buy you a garage) there’s bound to be more equity in the house if you sold up. What did the estate agent value the property at yesterday? Had that changed the lay of the land for you at all?

CrestfallenBadEgg · 14/08/2022 11:42

Sexismdoesntrule · 13/08/2022 19:00

Just as an fyi: my mother left me with my dad, in the 3 bed semi, when I was 12.

He was a perfectly good dad - but the rejection of your mother leaving you leave ever lasting scars - we don’t speak now at all.

she did move 200 miles away tho…

My partner's mother moved away 12000 miles - her fault for marriage breakdown though - both parents went to court for custody - my poor partner hasn't healed

I have a rubbish childhood where my parent's didn't even want me and let me know constantly yet I'm not affected at all

I think it's worse somehow when the mother leaves the child

My mother never left me just doesn't want me - somehow I feel luckier at least she was there for my basic needs

CrestfallenBadEgg · 14/08/2022 11:44

OP you don't ont sound very bright or you're not thinking straight & you don't seem to understand how equity works - the details of your house and mortgage don't make any sense - go and see a few professionals before making any decisions

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 14/08/2022 11:49

I think it's worse somehow when the mother leaves the child

I think it depends. My DSC don't see their mother (child prorection isses) and probably won't ever again.

Her being in their lives would certainly cause more harm.

ShandaLear · 14/08/2022 11:50

Or C, you rent somewhere nearby (within a mile or so) and you share 50/50. Mine have a mixture of nesting (ex has his own room in my house -he still pays half the mortgage), staying either at my ex’s or my partners. It has worked really well for the last 7 years though I have a really good, positive, relationship with my ex.

Mumkins42 · 14/08/2022 17:50

I think you need to ask your children what they want without steering them towards what you think is best. Then you'll know. Ask them alone, not with father around.
I think they'd probably much rather have you to be honest than anything else. That's what I would have wanted in this position as a child.

FunnyBeaux · 14/08/2022 18:01

Try C - working on your relationship. Once you have kids there has to be a really good reason for splitting up, and you have to have tried every other option first. Otherwise it's extremely selfish and cruel.

rainbow · 14/08/2022 18:12

Definitely get some legal advice. Some solicitors will do a free half hour or try legal aid. It may be possible to force him to leave for the sake of the children depending on circumstances. He cannot stop you moving away as long as it in not out the country. Check it out x

cherish123 · 14/08/2022 18:25

A is better for kids
B better for you.
Could you compromise. Kids stay with dad during week and you at weekends (only have to share room at weekends). In my opinion, this is best option

BajaBaja · 14/08/2022 18:44

Wgat if the ex moves in a new woman…. They’d have to live with a stepmom. Would that be their choice… just putting it out there as a possibility.

Spanielsarepainless · 14/08/2022 18:47

A friend of a friend rented a flat nearby and the ex-husband stays one week and ex-wife the next. Children stay in the house. You do need to trust each other but this has been going on for at least five years.

Newbie20 · 14/08/2022 18:50

@Isittrueornot I was in a similar situation many years ago and I chose option A as I thought it was better for the children. Biggest regret in my life. I should have taken my option B then things would have been so different and my children would be completely different to how they are now. I've seen that you have decided on option B and I really hope that eventually things get better for you. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time and you have my sympathies.

Strulch · 14/08/2022 18:52

If you leave and he starts refusing access to the children and social services become involved could he claim you abandoned them? I don't know if it's still the case but a mother leaving the family home and leaving her children behind was not looked upon favourably. Can't you get a court order for him to leave?

Crumpleton · 14/08/2022 18:55

Don't underestimate the message you're sending to your DCs by saying 'I'm leaving this man because he is impossible to trust and live with - but I'm expecting you to put up with it.'

And all the while he'll be filling their heads with all types of lies about you, not want you want.

It would be B for me.
Children grow up so quickly they'll be fine in a smaller house.
I'm assuming your Ex will be paying maintenance for the DC, if not I'd definitely seek advice on that.

Lily4444 · 14/08/2022 19:01

Definitely B - I think it’s better for the kids in the long run but also it’s really unfair for you to be forced out of your own home and for your ex to stay. The house should be sold and split equally between you both.

Generally speaking women still do the majority of the childcare so I feel it would impact you’re children more to not have you around.Young kids especially, need their mum and I think they’ll feel quite abandoned if you leave

I also feel like option A could just get more complicated, if you move out and later down the road your ex wants to move another woman in with your kids living there

LindyLou2020 · 14/08/2022 19:03

FunnyBeaux · 14/08/2022 18:01

Try C - working on your relationship. Once you have kids there has to be a really good reason for splitting up, and you have to have tried every other option first. Otherwise it's extremely selfish and cruel.

@FunnyBeaux
That's a very unhelpful comment, bordering on nasty.
"Selfish and cruel" - if OP is not tying herself in knots regarding the right, (or the least worst), thing to do, then she certainly will be after reading your post......

Jacquiereid · 14/08/2022 19:04

Havnt read through all the posts so sorry if already been suggested but a better option would be to rent a 1 bed flat between you, kids stay in family home and parents move between the family home and shared flat
So for example you would both spend two separate weekends in the flat and split weekdays equally.
Obviously financially more costly but so much better for the children
Hope it works out.

restingbitchface30 · 14/08/2022 19:04

I can’t see many mums choosing a as an option without it breaking their heart. I know it would be too painful to leave my kids. I’d rather I starve to look after them than leave them. There are other options you just aren’t seeing them.

ColonelCarter · 14/08/2022 19:10

A) because as much as it would pain me not to be the primary parent, it is far better for the kids to have a clear 'base', familiarity and routine. I'd do what is best for my children, regardless of the pain it would cause me. 50/50 is very rarely in the best interest of the kids.

Iseestupidpeople · 14/08/2022 19:17

Do Not leave the house! You own half. If he wants somewhere else he can leave or you can sell up and use that for a new home for you and the kids, surely that should allow for a decent new mortgage.

FunnyBeaux · 14/08/2022 19:28

LindyLou2020 · 14/08/2022 19:03

@FunnyBeaux
That's a very unhelpful comment, bordering on nasty.
"Selfish and cruel" - if OP is not tying herself in knots regarding the right, (or the least worst), thing to do, then she certainly will be after reading your post......

Show quote history

She jolly well should be. By her own admission her partner isn't abusive and is a good father. So she has some issues with him being sneaky. Boo hoo. Those issues are not unfixable. Upending her children's lives because 'I' have to be happy and I'm not willing to work on things is selfish and wrong.

Runwalkskijump · 14/08/2022 19:33

Can't you get a court order for him to leave?

He has much right to be there as she does and a court would say the same.