Husband has told me he's punishing me

[pastypam]

I won't go into loads of detail because we'd be here all day, I'm a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression. In December of last year, after months of disagreements and arguments, me and my husband went out for some drinks, when we arrived home an argument consumed and I ended up lashing out physically, and hit him to the face a couple times.
Immediately after I was wholeheartedly apologetic, it was completely out of character, I don't even remember being in control of what happened at that time - it's no excuse, totally - you should never lay hands on someone. But I totally just cracked - after months of stress and pressure from a big family fall out, I felt like my life was crumbling...
roll on 8 months later, we got into a disagreement last night over the tone in which my husband speaks to me. It's a really nasty condescending tone and quiet aggressive (even if not voices raised) he just puts me on my ass regularly with his words.

During the argument, he told me that he could treat me nicely, but, I don't deserve it after what I did to him at Christmas, and that I owe him way more than he does me...
effectively, he told me he's punishing me.
I dote on this man, take good care of him always, listened to him always, support him....
i try so hard, all the time.. and it does make sense what he said because I do tread on eggshells with what I speak to him about or how I say something so I don't get attacked by his tone or words...

Since he said that, I feel heartbroken. But I don't know if I have the right to feel how I am... it changed things for me. To think someone who should love adore and protect me is intentionally making me feel a certain way to punish me....
but, I also know what I did was a big no no. I sought private professional therapy after it happened at my own expense, and it really did help me tremendously. But I don't know if I'm expecting to much after what I did.
Or am I right in feeling this is just cruel and vindictive and I feel I need to get out. If he can't forgive me and I've done all I can to try....

Feel very lonely right now....

Get out of that toxic disaster as soon as you possibly can. This marriage is over.

It sounds like a toxic relationship that has run its course for both of you, and you would both be better off splitting up.

Sorry that may sound a little harsh but I don't mean it that way.

You have been physically abusive, he is being verbally abusive, nothing is fixing the situation. Why are you still together?

I agree he is wrong here, he should have left you immediately and I’d have left my husband if he was hitting me in the face or anywhere else. M

people should leave their abusers the first time it happens.

This.

This thread is not going to go well for you OP. I think both of you are in the wrong and there's no way back, it's toxic.

Yes, you were wrong to hithim. But he is behaving horribly. If (as it seems) he is never going to forgive you but will keep using it as a pretext for hurting you, you have no future together. No happy future for you, I mean. He could presumably enjoy making you unhappy for ever.

Why on earth are you putting yourself through all this. Partners are supposed to like you. You two can't stand eachother.

Leave. Stop pissing your life away in this ridiculous and torturous sham relationship.

I’d pull all your financial info, go see a solicitor next week, and organise a plan to separate.

You absolutely shouldn’t have hit him, but equally him ‘punishing’ you is epic levels of fucked up.

Move on. It’s best for your both.

But if you are referring to people calling the OP abusive for hitting him then she is.

And we tell women to leave men when they are financially abusive, or when they are verbally abusive, or when they are emotionally abusive, not just when they are physically abusive, so the advise is not necessarily based on the level of potential physical damage.

So yes, the OP hitting her husband is not going to cause the same physical damage as if he had hit her. But its still abuse, he should still leave her for it, she is still abusive.

He doesn’t have to forgive you no matter how sorry you are or how nice you’ve been since. You can’t stay in such a relationship where he can’t forgive you and he shouldn’t either

He sounds absolutely horrible. You need to dump him before he destroys your self esteem.

Your relationship is over. It sounds utterly grim.

Oh and while its not good behavioir, people need to stop treating a woman hitting a man the same as a man hitting a woman. It is simply not the same. The capacity for damage and the scope for self defense etc is not in the same league, and never will be.

What if there is a knife to hand next time she loses control and can’t remember what she’s doing?

I wonder if you slapped him because he said something so unfathomable horrible that you couldn't not slap him? Something designed to get you to react that way SO that he could hold it against you forever more and accuse you of being the real abuser whenever he treats you like shit.

OP like everyone has said you’re abusive and need to remove yourself from this relationship. I hope children aren’t involved here.

That's typical abuser rhetoric - "you made me do it." Unless he physically picked up OP's hands and made them hit him then no, he's not to blame for being the victim of physical abuse.

Thank you for your responses.

I'd just like to give a little more back story. We have been together 8 years, married less than 1.
Our wedding was postponed 3 times due to covid which put a lot of stress of us both financially and mentally. We had a lot of stress over immediate family getting there and a lot a lot of stress and concern over family behaving themselves (a lot of tension in both families on both sides) roll around the wedding and our worst nightmares played out infront of us, there were arguments, tears, and a immediate family member leaving. We were both devastated and when we confronted the family, it was flipped and turned onto us, from the day after our wedding we were consumed in this circle of shit from every direction. I even lost my job (worked for family) .. I was at my lowest and having to start a completely new career. We kept fighting which I believe was due to the stress and chaos that had just completely consumed us, this came to a head in December when we had consumed some alcohol and came to blows.
I'm not for a second down playing what I did because I am a women .... not for a second.
I knew I fucked up - took accountability and seeked professional help. I told him a while back if he couldn't forgive me then we'd need to separate... he told me he loved me and wanted to stay.

We have times when we are completely fine, in love and happy. And then he will also cut me down with his words, maliciously.... for sometimes something so insignificant or irrelevant - like I got my facts wrong or something.

But when I said last night about how he speaks to me for him to reveal it's all intentional, just shook me. The thought of someone purposely being so intentionally vindictive towards me for something I've shown again and again I'm sorry for...
i believe I'm wasting my time.. but I'm also terrified. Married less than a year and potentially divorcing is humiliating and heartbreaking to me. I Saw a future with this man... we've been discussing children the last couple of months and finances etc. it's seemed good.

I tried to go down and talk to him this morning and he said said 'I don't want to speak to you' in a nasty tone and didn't even look in my direction. I'm abit lost as to what I've done wrong in this current situation, I'm currently locked away in my room, haven't stopped crying since he said it to me last night...

Word for word.
OP. It sounds like you’ve been through the mill, but unless you can add as this together you should split.

I'm a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression.

No wonder. Your husband isn't doing anything to help alleviate that, is he? In fact he's going out of his way to make you feel a whole lot worse.

This relationship is well and truly over, and you need to end it as soon as possible, for your own mental wellbeing as much as anything else.

Break up.
you were abusive. Women are told to leave at the first sign.
he should have left when you abused him.
you may be sorry, but he does not need to forgive you ( this is not meant unkindly but I would not forgive my abuser if he said sorry, no matter how sorry he may be).
this will not end well. You will be miserable and so will he.

Glad

Once the abuse starts there is no point staying because something fundamental in the relationship has broken.

You broke his trust and respect when you hit him
He has broken his trust and respect when he verbally abused you

Love is irrelevant if the trust and respect has gone.

You need to split up for both your sakes, then I would strongly recommend you continue your counselling so that you don't end up in a similar situation again.

Ended too soon.
keep having therapy, one mistake does not need to define you.
don’t let it ruin any future relationships nor do you need to hold on too it.