Husband has told me he's punishing me

[pastypam]

I won't go into loads of detail because we'd be here all day, I'm a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression. In December of last year, after months of disagreements and arguments, me and my husband went out for some drinks, when we arrived home an argument consumed and I ended up lashing out physically, and hit him to the face a couple times.
Immediately after I was wholeheartedly apologetic, it was completely out of character, I don't even remember being in control of what happened at that time - it's no excuse, totally - you should never lay hands on someone. But I totally just cracked - after months of stress and pressure from a big family fall out, I felt like my life was crumbling...
roll on 8 months later, we got into a disagreement last night over the tone in which my husband speaks to me. It's a really nasty condescending tone and quiet aggressive (even if not voices raised) he just puts me on my ass regularly with his words.

During the argument, he told me that he could treat me nicely, but, I don't deserve it after what I did to him at Christmas, and that I owe him way more than he does me...
effectively, he told me he's punishing me.
I dote on this man, take good care of him always, listened to him always, support him....
i try so hard, all the time.. and it does make sense what he said because I do tread on eggshells with what I speak to him about or how I say something so I don't get attacked by his tone or words...

Since he said that, I feel heartbroken. But I don't know if I have the right to feel how I am... it changed things for me. To think someone who should love adore and protect me is intentionally making me feel a certain way to punish me....
but, I also know what I did was a big no no. I sought private professional therapy after it happened at my own expense, and it really did help me tremendously. But I don't know if I'm expecting to much after what I did.
Or am I right in feeling this is just cruel and vindictive and I feel I need to get out. If he can't forgive me and I've done all I can to try....

Feel very lonely right now....

No she ended the marriage the minute she assaulted him. He can’t forgive her and rightly so. She’s an abuser and needs to be treated as one. He’s not right for saying he’s punishing her but she did it first. Maybe that’s his way of coping with an abusing wife being verbal back . They need to split. Both need therapy on what has happened.

I wonder if you slapped him because he said something so unfathomable horrible that you couldn't not slap him?

Do you believe this would also be an excuse for a man to hit a woman?
What a ridiculous remark

OP, sorry he's treating you badly but it seems he can't get over you hitting him. I'm not sure I would in his position. Looks like it's time to move on

I’m sorry you lived through this but it’s not rhe same and people are not talking about your mother.

yeah, end this farce. Absolutely do not inflict yourselves as parents to a kid. No kid deserves to be dragged into this toxic nightmare.

OK see the point you are making but physically attacking someone isn’t ‘bad’ just on the basis of the level of damage you might cause them physically, it’s also a violation of boundaries, bodily autonomy, and a gross act of disrespect. Same as someone restraining you / holding you down / etc. (to give another example where physical damage is not necessarily caused).

@IrisVersicolor she didn’t slap him, she said she repeatedly hit him in the face. No point analysing anyway, they should be divorcing.

*He has killed the marriage now. Don't explain, excuse or apologise any more. Don't cry. He doesn't care. Tell him he's abusive and you are ending the relationship.
*
I'm sorry but the marriage was killed when she hit him. They are both abusive (her physically and him verbally) and they need to separate.

No excuses for either the OP or her husband.

Thank you for taking the time to comment, regardless of some of them being hard to swallow.

It obvious I've under minded the severity of my actions, I guess I was making excuses, I just knew it was so out of form for me to ever do something like this, and given the circumstances I thought it was a lapse of a person under dire stress and pain but it's clear that I am infact the issue and I need to do the honest thing and pack up and leave. He deserves more and that's true.

Thank you x

You obviously shouldn't be together. The minute you hit him that marriage was over.

@pastypam
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I don't think many posters understand that reacting physically once does not make you an abuser. Please read this breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/

Yes, being physically violent is wrong, yes you need to separate. But please also be compassionate to yourself.

I don’t think there’s much point trying to blame yourself, or him. The truth is you’re toxic together and making each other unhappy. Luckily no children are involved so please just leave and let you both find happiness with other people.

Please don’t consider having children in this marriage it will not go well. Children make everything so much harder and you guys aren’t coping well with the easier pre-kids bit.

Trial separation. Move out. Allow yourself to be happy alone.

A lot of posters here are not very informed about abuse.

Male violence against women is rooted in control & misogyny.

Female abusers exist and yes it's a horrible thing but you can't just say it's exactly the same.

OPs husband is just as abusive - but instead of lashing out once he's abusing her continuously, just because he didn't actually hit her doesn't minimize this.

With that said, you should both split up. Why stay with someone who wants to punish you and takes enjoyment from it. Nobody could blame him for leaving when you hit him, but staying just to punish you is absolutely nasty.

You should have left if there is any possibility of his behaviour having any bearing on your mental health

He should have left at Christmas

Now you need to leave.

You aren't in a nurturing relationship. You are in a bloody war zone.

Gather yourself together and make real preparations to leave, before either of you escalate the current poisonous climate again.

Again.

This.

OP, before you go, could you just fill a bit more info on the context - “the nasty condescending tone” you describe, the aggression, the putting you “on your ass with words”, the “treading on eggshells” did this start after the argument or has this always been a factor in your relationship?

He can't trust you not to be violent.

That's why he's still angry and resentful. He didn't respond by hitting you back because he's not violent.

It can take many incidents of violence before somebody leaves an abusive relationship or marriage - perhaps even more when the victim is a man, as there's the abusers' and apologists' narrative that it doesn't count because she's so fragile in comparison, he must have deserved it, she must have been under so much stress, etc, etc; all the prejudices that make it so hard for men to accept they've been abused immediately.

Would you say the same if it been the other way round? She said something horrible so he couldn’t help but hit her? 🤔

I think you also deserve more. This is an unhappy destructive relationship. You both have a chance to have better lives.. take it.

@IrisVersicolor that’s my worry too. That the OPs DH has always been the abuser (verbally/psychologically) and her family knew it and that’s why they didn’t support the marriage and that the OP snapped once whilst drunk and it’s now being vilified for it.
OP, I also think you should show yourself some compassion whatever the circumstances. He is not too good for you. His treatment of you since the incident is cruel and unnecessary. He is choosing to repeatedly punish you out of spite. Please leave. For your own sake.

I'm sorry but it's clear you're marriage is over. It's toxic from all angles but you should never put your hands on another person.
It's best to move on here, give yourselves the best chance of healing and in time find happiness. Please don't bring a child into this relationship.

This is such a toxic marriage. You're both as bad as each other.

I disagree.

People being abused crack sometimes.

And I reiterate... men injure and kill women on a daily basis in domestic violence situations; women do not ... for very basic reasons. I think its actually a disgrace that mn decided to delete a post pointing out that simple fact.

Op, it seems like he abusive before you struck him, and abusive since. No change. He speaks to you horribly and makes you feel bad ..... maybe you should split for your own mental health and happiness.

I doesn't matter who hit who. It is over and done with and he should have left then.
That was in the past. You have done all you can to make amends because of his decision to stay.
Now, he should move on or move out. Subjecting you to abusive behaviour of his own is no less damaging. He will never stop because he choses to do it and presumably gets pleasure from it. Don't have children together. It is a toxic relationship...split up, go your own way and learn your lesson.

He can't trust you not to be violent.

And she can't trust him not to be verbally and emotionally abusive.

So, best to part ways.

If op finds herself hitting her next partner, who's not abusive, she needs to go for dv perpetrator counselling. I have a feeling she won't though.

OP, I've been through hell and back this past year. Immense pressure and stress during a very turbulent time. The person who got me through that and I him was my partner and it's made use stronger as a couple. You don't have that in him and he doesn't have that in you, you really need to break up and no a baby won't fix this, that in itself is a whole other level of stress and you both sound like you don't have the compatibility to deal and work together on issues.