Husband has told me he's punishing me

[pastypam]

I won't go into loads of detail because we'd be here all day, I'm a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression. In December of last year, after months of disagreements and arguments, me and my husband went out for some drinks, when we arrived home an argument consumed and I ended up lashing out physically, and hit him to the face a couple times.
Immediately after I was wholeheartedly apologetic, it was completely out of character, I don't even remember being in control of what happened at that time - it's no excuse, totally - you should never lay hands on someone. But I totally just cracked - after months of stress and pressure from a big family fall out, I felt like my life was crumbling...
roll on 8 months later, we got into a disagreement last night over the tone in which my husband speaks to me. It's a really nasty condescending tone and quiet aggressive (even if not voices raised) he just puts me on my ass regularly with his words.

During the argument, he told me that he could treat me nicely, but, I don't deserve it after what I did to him at Christmas, and that I owe him way more than he does me...
effectively, he told me he's punishing me.
I dote on this man, take good care of him always, listened to him always, support him....
i try so hard, all the time.. and it does make sense what he said because I do tread on eggshells with what I speak to him about or how I say something so I don't get attacked by his tone or words...

Since he said that, I feel heartbroken. But I don't know if I have the right to feel how I am... it changed things for me. To think someone who should love adore and protect me is intentionally making me feel a certain way to punish me....
but, I also know what I did was a big no no. I sought private professional therapy after it happened at my own expense, and it really did help me tremendously. But I don't know if I'm expecting to much after what I did.
Or am I right in feeling this is just cruel and vindictive and I feel I need to get out. If he can't forgive me and I've done all I can to try....

Feel very lonely right now....

I think to be honest why you hit him, any justification you feel there was is irrelevant. It’s how things are now which is what matters.

So he won’t forgive you and is justified in not doing so in which case you need to separate.

Or he won’t forgive you and isn’t justified in not forgiving you because he’s an emotionally abusive twat who goaded you (please note I’m not saying this is true)in which case you need to separate. 🤷‍♀️

OP this bloke is a prick. Please leave him.

Some of the posters on this thread... dunno whether to smh or lol.

Some men (a vast minority compared to women affected) are victims of DV, who are not themselves abusive ....

This man is clearly not one of them.

Op it's v sad and hard ending any serious relationship but it seems like you should have ended this one. Please don't bring kids intk the world with this man.

Don't be Sally Challon in 20 yrs time, he's not worth risking imprisonment for.

Thank goodness you don't have children , leaving would be a lot harder.

I hope all those that are victim blaming take a second to realise that there are women on here that will be assaulted by their partner and the excuse will be that she drove him to it - something that multiple posters have said is an acceptable reason.

Posters are quick to blame his mental abuse to justify her physical violence but
OPs DH could soon hit her and blame her actions which posters have also implied would be totally acceptable for him to do.

It is never acceptable to be physically violent towards your partner and if you are a victim of DV then know it is never your fault.

If your partner is physically or mentally abusive then leave as it always escalates.

Okay. So you physically assaulted him. He forgave you. You both moved on.

Except he hasn't. It sounds like he is not caught up in the lost trust or trauma of the assault. He is using it to manipulate, control and emotionally abuse you now. And he is not sorry and repeats his behaviour often.

So while both are at fault, you are appalled and embarrassed by your behaviour. And have attempted to fix and apologise. He is entitled to stay or leave. He is not apologetic, continues his abuse and seems to enjoy the power it gives him to hurt you. You can forgive him- but he is not acknowledging fault, you can leave him -or not-.

It’s one thing to make a snap judgement and fail to enquire into the dynamics of a relationship; it’s another to come back and finger-wag about it.

If you think the posters on here identifying that OP is in an abusive relationship are victim-blaming her DH you have completely missed the point. In fact, you are victim-blaming the OP - from a superficial reading of the situation and a naive understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships.

Yes, you are wasting your time.

Yes, you need to suck up the embarrassment and divorce him. Don't look back. Dont be tempted by the sunken costs fallacy ('I've invested 8 years and we're talking about children'). Your relationship has run its course. It's not salvageable.

Under no circumstances should you bring children into this toxic relationship.

Your H is a first class twat. He wants you there because it's a lot of trouble to find a new place to live and someone new to verbally abuse.

Find another place for yourself to live. Move out. Get a solicitor. File for divorce.

You have a job and no children. It will be easy for you to cut your losses apart from the loss of face.

‘Is that directed at me? Or the dickhead who said she isn’t an abuser despite beating her husband?’

@Wellthatgotbetter Obviously It was directed at you.

Reactive abuse. Google it, get a book about it, ask a friend.

Educate yourself or shush.

‘Are you serious?!

Wow.
I really hope you don’t give this same advice to the women who start threads on here about their partners lashing out at them.

There is never an excuse to lay hands on your partner no matter how annoying or how many buttons she may push.’

@SunnyD44 Obviously I wouldn’t. Also I have never read a similar post by a woman. This isn’t about an ‘excuse’ it is about a reason.

Again, reactive abuse. You know what to do.

You are both either shockingly ill informed or you’re a couple of incels. Either way I hope things improve for you.

Many thanks to the poster who shared the link on reactive abuse.

There are quite a few women here who need to educate themselves.

Op it sounds like a terribly toxic relationship that just needs to end.

relationships can recover from big one off events, especially if that event was a result of a specific situation, however only if both people work on moving on.

if he’s punishing and continuing the toxic behaviour there’s not point. Nothing will move forward.

id forget about feelings of embarrassment or shame from the marriage ending early on, it’s much better to end a relationship than stay in a terrible one.

Wow some of these replies are vile.

No wonder 1 in 3 women are victims of DV.

It is not their fault regardless of how much they push, annoy, disrespect etc their partner.

There is never any justification for physically assaulting your partner. End of.

It doesn’t matter if that person is male or female.

OP if he does ever physically assault you then please ignore the fucking idiots on here that claim it’s reactive abuse because you ‘made’ him do it and ring the police.

There is no excuse or justification for physically assaulting your partner ever.

I haven’t read the thread because I can sense it’s going to be ‘well, if the sexes were reversed…’ so I’m sure this has been said already BUT it sounds like there’s no coming back from this. I once read that a marriage is over once contempt takes hold and that’s exactly what this sounds like.

But the way you are both living has become your “norm”. You say it’s out of place for you to hit your husband but by living in the same atmosphere that is becoming more normalised.
You were wrong to hit him. He is going to use that against you for ever.
Call it a day, get some therapy and look forward to a happier, calmer future.

This is all so confused.

No wonder 1 in 3 women are victims of dv

It’s not their fault regardless of how much they push, annoy, disrespect etc their partner

You realise this applies to the OP right? She is one of those 1 in 3.

Unsurprising when some women cannot, apparently, identify abuse when it’s staring them in the face.

If he ever physically assaults her that would not be reactive abuse as he is clearly the abuser in this situation.

I politely suggest you go away and read up on domestic abuse properly, including reactive abuse, so that you have a better idea of the dynamics.

@IrisVersicolor Thank you.

@IrisVersicolor so if OP came on here and said her DH had just hit her and he said she made him do it because of her constant mental behaviour towards and she agreed that it was her fault because she was always a bitch to him.

You would also call that reactive abuse right?
And justify his behaviour because she ‘made him do it’.

Or is it just when a women is violent that it’s reactive abuse?

I don’t need to read up on domestic abuse as I was a victim of it myself and it was women like you who blamed me for his violence which made me not leave sooner.

No, you’re a victim-blaming violence apologist. What a disgusting position to take. And before you launch into an “educate yourself” rant, no one is drawing parallels with the appalling violence against women which is endemic in our society. But sticking a label of “reactive violence” when someone can’t control their drinking, and can’t control their fists, helps no one.

I suggest YOU go and read around about apologist behaviour and the justification of attack, and then come back. Incel indeed. Your even saying that, demonstrates the depth of your ignorance.

I agree. It's disgusting that some people try to minimise it like that poster did

A far better "punishment" would have been for him to leave you the second you laid hands on him. Disgusting behaviour.

Split up and get yourself help.

@SunnyD44 I have mentioned reactive abuse in one of my replies to OP. Whilst I absolutely agree with you that physically assaulting a partner is wrong, reactive abuse is a specific situation when one partner is subjected to sustained abuse and then hits out. It might be because of a fight or flight response, it might be that they just couldn't take any more and "lost it" - whenever it is not a response to sustained abuse, then it is abuse as you describe.

@pastypam No worries. I hope you can find some support.

No, your example is not reactive abuse.

No, reactive abuse is situation dependent not gender dependent.

I’m sorry to hear of your experiences, but you are quite wrong in thinking that I would blame you for your ex’s abuse. Quite the contrary. Nor do I blame OP for her DH’s abuse.

@IrisVersicolor I think your point about reactive abuse being situation dependent is spot on. Thank you for attempting to raise awareness of this, as I believe it is very misunderstood.