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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has told me he's punishing me

152 replies

pastypam · 13/08/2022 11:43

I won't go into loads of detail because we'd be here all day, I'm a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression. In December of last year, after months of disagreements and arguments, me and my husband went out for some drinks, when we arrived home an argument consumed and I ended up lashing out physically, and hit him to the face a couple times.
Immediately after I was wholeheartedly apologetic, it was completely out of character, I don't even remember being in control of what happened at that time - it's no excuse, totally - you should never lay hands on someone. But I totally just cracked - after months of stress and pressure from a big family fall out, I felt like my life was crumbling...
roll on 8 months later, we got into a disagreement last night over the tone in which my husband speaks to me. It's a really nasty condescending tone and quiet aggressive (even if not voices raised) he just puts me on my ass regularly with his words.

During the argument, he told me that he could treat me nicely, but, I don't deserve it after what I did to him at Christmas, and that I owe him way more than he does me...
effectively, he told me he's punishing me.
I dote on this man, take good care of him always, listened to him always, support him....
i try so hard, all the time.. and it does make sense what he said because I do tread on eggshells with what I speak to him about or how I say something so I don't get attacked by his tone or words...

Since he said that, I feel heartbroken. But I don't know if I have the right to feel how I am... it changed things for me. To think someone who should love adore and protect me is intentionally making me feel a certain way to punish me....
but, I also know what I did was a big no no. I sought private professional therapy after it happened at my own expense, and it really did help me tremendously. But I don't know if I'm expecting to much after what I did.
Or am I right in feeling this is just cruel and vindictive and I feel I need to get out. If he can't forgive me and I've done all I can to try....

Feel very lonely right now.... Sad

OP posts:
bloodyunicorns · 13/08/2022 12:26

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2022 11:44

Get out of that toxic disaster as soon as you possibly can. This marriage is over.

This

Aprilx · 13/08/2022 12:27

pastypam · 13/08/2022 12:19

Thank you for your responses.

I'd just like to give a little more back story. We have been together 8 years, married less than 1.
Our wedding was postponed 3 times due to covid which put a lot of stress of us both financially and mentally. We had a lot of stress over immediate family getting there and a lot a lot of stress and concern over family behaving themselves (a lot of tension in both families on both sides) roll around the wedding and our worst nightmares played out infront of us, there were arguments, tears, and a immediate family member leaving. We were both devastated and when we confronted the family, it was flipped and turned onto us, from the day after our wedding we were consumed in this circle of shit from every direction. I even lost my job (worked for family) .. I was at my lowest and having to start a completely new career. We kept fighting which I believe was due to the stress and chaos that had just completely consumed us, this came to a head in December when we had consumed some alcohol and came to blows.
I'm not for a second down playing what I did because I am a women .... not for a second.
I knew I fucked up - took accountability and seeked professional help. I told him a while back if he couldn't forgive me then we'd need to separate... he told me he loved me and wanted to stay.

We have times when we are completely fine, in love and happy. And then he will also cut me down with his words, maliciously.... for sometimes something so insignificant or irrelevant - like I got my facts wrong or something.

But when I said last night about how he speaks to me for him to reveal it's all intentional, just shook me. The thought of someone purposely being so intentionally vindictive towards me for something I've shown again and again I'm sorry for...
i believe I'm wasting my time.. but I'm also terrified. Married less than a year and potentially divorcing is humiliating and heartbreaking to me. I Saw a future with this man... we've been discussing children the last couple of months and finances etc. it's seemed good.

I tried to go down and talk to him this morning and he said said 'I don't want to speak to you' in a nasty tone and didn't even look in my direction. I'm abit lost as to what I've done wrong in this current situation, I'm currently locked away in my room, haven't stopped crying since he said it to me last night...

You have now twice tried to justify hitting him on you being stressed. Have you ever seen anyway say it is ok for men to hit women when they are stressed? I doubt it. So stop that please.

Anyway that aside, I don’t think your husband should be holding this over you or “punishing” you. He should either leave you or decide that he is going to forgive you on this occasion.

billy1966 · 13/08/2022 12:33

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/08/2022 12:07

I’d pull all your financial info, go see a solicitor next week, and organise a plan to separate.

You absolutely shouldn’t have hit him, but equally him ‘punishing’ you is epic levels of fucked up.

Move on. It’s best for your both.

I agree.

This awful relationship is dead.

Accept it and end it.

He despises you and enjoys it.

Spudina · 13/08/2022 12:33

Hi OP. You have both been under an incredible amount of stress. I’m so sorry that your wedding day was ruined by your families. I think that your remorse for hitting him is genuine and that you are not likely to do it again. You should give up drinking btw if that’s a trigger for violence. The simple truth is that if he can’t forgive you and move on without holding it over you with every disagreement that comes up in the future, then you don’t have a future together. It really doesn’t matter that if have been married for one year or 20.

Original poster
pastypam · 13/08/2022 12:34

I'm not trying to blame my actions on stress. Im simply explaining the scenario on which this took place, which wasn't under normal circumstances for ether of us.. . It wasn't just a argument and I took the decision to physically assault him.... but I do also believe that people can make mistakes and act rashly in certain situations and I like to believe it doesn't define who I am. I've never been physically violent to anyone - ever and while it doesn't excuse it, I know that my rapidly deteriorating mental health played a big part in my actions. Which I immediately seeked help for knowing I should of done so before this incident took place. But that's a big thing to recognise when your at your absolute lowest.

OP posts:
Original poster
pastypam · 13/08/2022 12:35

Spudina · 13/08/2022 12:33

Hi OP. You have both been under an incredible amount of stress. I’m so sorry that your wedding day was ruined by your families. I think that your remorse for hitting him is genuine and that you are not likely to do it again. You should give up drinking btw if that’s a trigger for violence. The simple truth is that if he can’t forgive you and move on without holding it over you with every disagreement that comes up in the future, then you don’t have a future together. It really doesn’t matter that if have been married for one year or 20.

Thank you - and I'd also like to say I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since.

OP posts:
Anniefrenchfry · 13/08/2022 12:49

and while its not good behavioir, people need to stop treating a woman hitting a man the same as a man hitting a woman. It is simply not the same. The capacity for damage and the scope for self defense etc is not in the same league, and never will be.

this makes me feel physically sick. It really does. The minimising of domestic abuse against men, most women I know could do serious damage if they assaulted someone. It doesn’t matter though. It’s not a competition.

no one should be minimising like this, it’s sickening.

category12 · 13/08/2022 12:52

Your relationship is broken.

Call it a day - for some reason he seems to want to carry on but just in an incredibly toxic way, so you have to be the one to pull the plug.

MineIsBetterThanYours · 13/08/2022 12:53

Well I don’t know what happened before Christmas and if his behaviour has changed a lot since then, but I suspect you’ll have less problems With depression if you live in your own.

Walkden · 13/08/2022 12:56

"and while its not good behavioir, people need to stop treating a woman hitting a man the same as a man hitting a woman"

That's some nice minimising there. A man slaps someone your life is in danger but a woman does it it's just bad behaviour.

Where do you draw the line then?

What if the man is small and weedy? Is it just bad behaviour then? What if one party is old and frail and the person abused much younger?

It's a common theme on Mumsnet that people react in shock freeze etc in these situations. Is all 'bad behaviour" nothing to really worry about as long as the other person is not in danger? Do you classify danger as physical harm. What about emotional harm etc

MadMadMadamMim · 13/08/2022 12:57

Leave. Go file for divorce. He's deliberately and repeatedly punishing you for your behaviour, which was unacceptable - but there is something cold and calculating about his actions which I could not forgive.

He has killed the marriage now. Don't explain, excuse or apologise any more. Don't cry. He doesn't care. Tell him he's abusive and you are ending the relationship.

Topseyt123 · 13/08/2022 13:03

Whatever the rights and wrongs (on both sides), the relationship has now become very toxic and needs to end.

EmmaH2022 · 13/08/2022 13:16

"But I don't know if I have the right to feel how I am."

you hit him. He should have left immediately.

HotWashCycle · 13/08/2022 13:26

Move on, OP and not just from this unpleasant man. Divorcing after a year is OK - it will just show the world that you have judgement and that you will not put up with a bad relationship - those things are strengths. But when you move on, do so also from your toxic family. You need to get out of the orbit of people like these - your therapy will come into its own for that and should support you in going it alone without family input, which should be best for you to survive and thrive. When you have gained strength from that you will be in a better place to attract a better type of one-to-one relationship.

Anniefrenchfry · 13/08/2022 13:28

I've never been physically violent to anyone - ever

Obviously you mean other than your own husband. Look you’re abusing each other, no one should live with an abusive partner. And when one chooses violence and physically assaults the other, then it has to be over. Done. The end

Scepticalwotsits · 13/08/2022 13:30

LizzieSiddal · 13/08/2022 12:14

Oh and while its not good behavioir, people need to stop treating a woman hitting a man the same as a man hitting a woman. It is simply not the same. The capacity for damage and the scope for self defense etc is not in the same league, and never will be.

What if there is a knife to hand next time she loses control and can’t remember what she’s doing?

And this is why make domestic assault victims are not believed, and if they finally retaliate they are the one who is usually arrested.

physical abuse is physical abuse, we should not quantify it’s seriousness by the potential of injury but by the action itself

IrisVersicolor · 13/08/2022 13:32

OP - May I ask you a question?

These two sentences -

It's a really nasty condescending tone and quiet aggressive (even if not voices raised) he just puts me on my ass regularly with his words.…

I do tread on eggshells with what I speak to him about or how I say something so I don't get attacked by his tone or words.

Did this behaviour from him start directly after the argument in which you slapped him, or has he always been like this?

Scepticalwotsits · 13/08/2022 13:32

Anniefrenchfry · 13/08/2022 12:49

and while its not good behavioir, people need to stop treating a woman hitting a man the same as a man hitting a woman. It is simply not the same. The capacity for damage and the scope for self defense etc is not in the same league, and never will be.

this makes me feel physically sick. It really does. The minimising of domestic abuse against men, most women I know could do serious damage if they assaulted someone. It doesn’t matter though. It’s not a competition.

no one should be minimising like this, it’s sickening.

Problem is this in engrained in society look at what happened with Caroline flack and the love in BBC still shoves down our throats about her

Scepticalwotsits · 13/08/2022 13:34

pastypam · 13/08/2022 12:34

I'm not trying to blame my actions on stress. Im simply explaining the scenario on which this took place, which wasn't under normal circumstances for ether of us.. . It wasn't just a argument and I took the decision to physically assault him.... but I do also believe that people can make mistakes and act rashly in certain situations and I like to believe it doesn't define who I am. I've never been physically violent to anyone - ever and while it doesn't excuse it, I know that my rapidly deteriorating mental health played a big part in my actions. Which I immediately seeked help for knowing I should of done so before this incident took place. But that's a big thing to recognise when your at your absolute lowest.

MH may be an explanation of why it got to that point but it is not an excuse, while you say you have owned and sought help after, it isn’t a justification

gamerchick · 13/08/2022 13:35

OP tell him you want a divorce. He needs to shit or get off the pot.

Yes you did wrong but he needs to choose whether he can forgive you or not, he doesn't get to punish you for the rest of your life.

Tell him he needs to choose and please don't have any babies in this shitshow of a marriage.

LaBellina · 13/08/2022 13:35

Get out of this marriage. It’s broken beyond repair. Sometimes your only chance of fixing something is just walking away.

Anniefrenchfry · 13/08/2022 13:44

Scepticalwotsits · 13/08/2022 13:30

And this is why make domestic assault victims are not believed, and if they finally retaliate they are the one who is usually arrested.

physical abuse is physical abuse, we should not quantify it’s seriousness by the potential of injury but by the action itself

Show quote history

I really hope mumsnet deletes that post, this site should not allow this sort of minimising. It’s hard enough to get men to admit to dv without sites like this allowing posts like that to stand,

Seaweed42 · 13/08/2022 13:48

"after months of disagreements and arguments"
After months of disagreements and arguments you married the person you spent months disagreeing and arguing with.

LetHimHaveIt · 13/08/2022 13:50

I loved my father but he was ghastly to my mum for the duration of their thirty year marriage, and everyone knew it. Verbally and psychologically abusive. My mum had no family and no money to speak of.

On one occasion my mum hit him. With a pork chop.

The idea of MNers forming a circle to tell her she was the abusive one in their relationship is utterly risible.

Butterfly44 · 13/08/2022 13:51

Regardless that you are sorry for what happened, it will never go away. It will not be forgotten and come up again and again. I'm afraid his actions have shown that there's no going back. It's over and time to move on unfortunately