Husband has told me he's punishing me

[pastypam]

I won't go into loads of detail because we'd be here all day, I'm a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression. In December of last year, after months of disagreements and arguments, me and my husband went out for some drinks, when we arrived home an argument consumed and I ended up lashing out physically, and hit him to the face a couple times.
Immediately after I was wholeheartedly apologetic, it was completely out of character, I don't even remember being in control of what happened at that time - it's no excuse, totally - you should never lay hands on someone. But I totally just cracked - after months of stress and pressure from a big family fall out, I felt like my life was crumbling...
roll on 8 months later, we got into a disagreement last night over the tone in which my husband speaks to me. It's a really nasty condescending tone and quiet aggressive (even if not voices raised) he just puts me on my ass regularly with his words.

During the argument, he told me that he could treat me nicely, but, I don't deserve it after what I did to him at Christmas, and that I owe him way more than he does me...
effectively, he told me he's punishing me.
I dote on this man, take good care of him always, listened to him always, support him....
i try so hard, all the time.. and it does make sense what he said because I do tread on eggshells with what I speak to him about or how I say something so I don't get attacked by his tone or words...

Since he said that, I feel heartbroken. But I don't know if I have the right to feel how I am... it changed things for me. To think someone who should love adore and protect me is intentionally making me feel a certain way to punish me....
but, I also know what I did was a big no no. I sought private professional therapy after it happened at my own expense, and it really did help me tremendously. But I don't know if I'm expecting to much after what I did.
Or am I right in feeling this is just cruel and vindictive and I feel I need to get out. If he can't forgive me and I've done all I can to try....

Feel very lonely right now....

@SunnyD44

‘No, you’re a victim-blaming violence apologist. What a disgusting position to take. And before you launch into an “educate yourself” rant, no one is drawing parallels with the appalling violence against women which is endemic in our society. But sticking a label of “reactive violence” when someone can’t control their drinking, and can’t control their fists, helps no one.’

’I suggest YOU go and read around about apologist behaviour and the justification of attack, and then come back. Incel indeed. Your even saying that, demonstrates the depth of your ignorance.’

OK.

There will be no rant. Several posters have tried to help you but you’re very invested in your narrative at this point.

Best of luck to you and I’m sorry to hear of your experience of DV.

Apologies. My last post was to @Wellthatgotbetter I think.

Whilst I absolutely agree with you that physically assaulting a partner is wrong, reactive abuse is a specific situation when one partner is subjected to sustained abuse and then hits out.

But my point is that every single person who commits DV claims it was out of reactive abuse and they were made to do it.

That’s why so many victims often think they’re to blame and will apologise for their behaviour.

Of course it’s not black and white.
Some men hit women because the women has hit them first or if she’s assaulted a child etc and if someone snaps.
But I think it’s very dangerous for posters to be justifying physical abuse.

And I can guarantee that if OP came on here and said her DH attacked her, no one would be trying to justify it and say that she must have made him do it.

You committed domestic violence. He shouldn't punish you but he should leave you.

I understand you cracked.. but any man who has beaten his girlfriend up also cracked. Any man who killed his wife cracked.

You should split up. Because you beat him and now he's reacting in an unhealthy way.

Domestic violence has no excuse OP. No excuse.

It is relevant that prior to OP hitting this man he was behaving in exactly the same way he is now.

I think OP must leave before something much worse happens.

OP how are you doing.

Are you any further forward with how you feel about things or what you would like to do?

I understand you cracked.. but any man who has beaten his girlfriend up also cracked. Any man who killed his wife cracked.

Yes exactly! Being violent when angry is a character trait. That why you should always leave someone if they’re ever violent, because they’re going to be angry again and then what? They’ll hit you again. It’s not a normal reaction to anger.

How is that in any way comparable to this situation? do you know the op personally or excusing her because it's a woman?

Whilst I absolutely agree with you that physically assaulting a partner is wrong, reactive abuse is a specific situation when one partner is subjected to sustained abuse and then hits out.

Except she said it was mainly because of a big family fallout and the stress from that?! And if he’s driving her to violence (which I don’t accept) she needs to leave him.

Some men (a vast minority compared to women affected) are victims of DV, who are not themselves abusive ....

This man is clearly not one of them.

Not every female whose beat up by her partner is the “perfect victim” you realise? There are women who might be nasty to their partner but that still doesn’t give justification for domestic violence against them. Ffs. You need to leave in that situation.

He sounds horrible. I wouldn't stay with someone who treated me like that.

You shouldn't have hit him but it sounds like he's pleased you did bc he can now use it as an excuse to be an even bigger arsehole.

I came back this morning to say this. Posters berating you are clueless. There are so many examples of how some abusive men totally subdue their partners and how those women finally escape.

Don't let his abusive ways do this to you. You've seen it now. What this relationship is doing to you. Forget the difficulties of leaving. That's just admin and time. Pack up and get out. Go anywhere. Concentrate on making yourself safe again.

Go to your parents today. Leave.

Having read your latest update op, my only advice to you would be to get out of this marriage. Whatever happened in the past, your husband continues to be abusive.

Yes you were wrong to hit him. But bearing in mind that it was a one-off which you immediately sought professional help for, gave up drinking, accepted your blame, told him you would understand if he left, and continue to be sorry for it - then you've done all you can. It was a one-off lashing out in stressful circumstances. You've done everything you can to ensure it doesn't happen again. Your husband had every right to choose to leave after and chose not to.

It reads as though he goaded you in to doing it. He wanted you to get angry so he could hold that against you. He wanted you to lash out so he could remind you about it forever and hold it over you. He continues to be unkind, goady. If he is genuinely still bothered by you hitting him, then you need to separate for his sake. If he is doing it to punish you, along with continuing to be abusive in his own cruel ways, then you need to separate for your sake.

I think he is enjoying punishing you. It is a form of control. You won't be fully happy while you are with him. Please seek some legal advice and seek some support IRL as well.

And don't be held back by feeling shame at your marriage being over. Better to acknowledge and remove yourself from a bad marriage than to stick around and be miserable the rest of your life because you're worried what other people might think.

This kind of attitude needs to FUCK RIGHT OFF. It's exactly what my ex used to say when he beat and raped me. I basically left him no choice and drove him to it. After lots of therapy I can see that's nonsense and there's nothing that justifies violence like this.

Op I'm sorry you're going through a rough time it really does sound like the relationship is dead. Maybe he shouldn't be punishing you but having been in his shoes I can see how it happens. Well done on getting therapy, maybe time for you both to start fresh

@tirednewmumm

You haven’t been in his shoes. Or rather he hasn’t been in yours.

OP didn’t beat or rape her husband.

‘This kind of attitude needs to FUCK RIGHT OFF.’

That isn’t an attitude. It’s yet another poster talking about reactive abuse. The fact of psychological and verbal abuse and the results.

I stabbed my ex husband.
He had goaded me and verbally and emotionally abused me for years. He taunted me and raised fists and occasionally raped me and beat me.

I stabbed him. Didn't do much damage luckily.
In that particular moment I snapped.
I had people telling me I was an abuser. I had police laughing at me.

I knew I had snapped and I did a bad thing. But I didn't know what else to do against a man twice my size who mocked me.

Being human and being intelligent are different things but intelligent people know that black and white is not a thing.
You have my sympathy @pastypam

When people say “I stayed with abusive vile nasty man for years who caused me to stab him” I don’t understand why you’re staying with them to them till you get to that point?Unless you’re financially trapped I don’t understand why you don’t just get out.

And before anyone calls me “ignorant” I was in an abusive relationship with a violent alcoholic, and the second I could afford to leave I did.

It just gets blurry because if a man said he stabbed his wife but it’s because she was emotionally abusive we’d all think he was a monster.

Hi OP, I think you're right this does sound over. I don't think you can excuse having hit him, however it sounds like you've taken the right steps and sought help, stopped drinking etc. he either forgives you or doesn't. He shouldn't use it as an excuse to be verbally abusive and / or keep you in line, although worryingly you say he has always spoken to you like that. Don't be embarrassed about being married less than a year. It's better to draw a line under things, mourn the relationship and move on. Don't bring kids into this.

Predictably OP your thread has been hijacked by the men who haunt the boards eagerly awaiting their opportunity to push an agenda that women are as bad as men. Their only interest here is to continually reference you hitting your partner to support the narrative that men are victimised.
Please ignore these posts. You already know you were wrong. The last thing needed here is more guilt leading you to believe you should stay and 'make it up to him' and 'accept your punishment'.
He should have left you, but your actions gave him the moral high ground and so he's stayed and is enjoying his extra power over you. You need to take control and end this.

"Battered woman syndrome" is a thing. Generally the victim is so ground down by the situation she believes no-one will believe her, that she has nowhere to go and if she tries to leave, he'll murder her / drag her back / take the children / hurt the pets / kill the entire family - none of which threats are unknown as outcomes. So you've got credible threat levels big enough to keep you there from fear. And/or he might be so controlling she has no opportunities to squirrel away money or get out of the house alone.

So he was emotionally abusive long before you hit him. No, you absolutely shouldn't have done, you know that. He should have left immediately, but he didn't. And why didn't he? Because you handed to him on a plate a 'reason' to ramp up the pre-existing abuse. This is nothing to do with he can't forgive you. He doesn't care either way. He's enjoying the power it gives him over you. It was probably the best Christmas present he had that year.

Leave. If he won't, you have to. I'm absolutely not minimising what you did, or saying there is any justification. But please take that power away from him and walk away. Don't try to stay in the marriage for fear of what others might think.

Sorry OP but I really do agree with this. I think you'd both be a lot happier with brighter futures if you move on.

Apparently a slightly zombie thread, but how're things @pastypam ?

The escalation at Christmas came from weeks of being told I was 'insane' 'fucked in the head' and telling me nobody can stand me, not even my family... (who I just had a terrible falling out with). I own, we both said hurtful things in that period of time and I fully accept that I was in the wrong.

He was emotionally and verbally abusive for months then and you lost it eventually in response.

But it's a toxic relationship.

It also seems like you both might've learned toxic ways of interacting with people as children. I think you should split up but this is something you could work on yourself, in therapy etc.

@LizzieSiddal

Yes, a woman hitting a man is just as bad as a man hitting a woman.

The relationship has run its course, I'm afraid. Yes, you hit him and you really shouldn't have done that. But he should have left as soon as it happened, not stayed with you and 'punished' you. He is now abusing you so you should leave him for your own sake. Nobody, man or woman should stay in an abusive relationship.

You are a strong person. I can tell this because you have held your hands up and admitted that you hit him and it was wrong, you've got professional help and are committed to never doing it again.

I've got a couple of friends who divorced after very short marriages. You have nothing to feel humiliated about. I greatly admire the two ladies I know who separated soon after marriage for the strength and wisdom they showed in recognising it wasn't working and getting out.