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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has told me he's punishing me

152 replies

pastypam · 13/08/2022 11:43

I won't go into loads of detail because we'd be here all day, I'm a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression. In December of last year, after months of disagreements and arguments, me and my husband went out for some drinks, when we arrived home an argument consumed and I ended up lashing out physically, and hit him to the face a couple times.
Immediately after I was wholeheartedly apologetic, it was completely out of character, I don't even remember being in control of what happened at that time - it's no excuse, totally - you should never lay hands on someone. But I totally just cracked - after months of stress and pressure from a big family fall out, I felt like my life was crumbling...
roll on 8 months later, we got into a disagreement last night over the tone in which my husband speaks to me. It's a really nasty condescending tone and quiet aggressive (even if not voices raised) he just puts me on my ass regularly with his words.

During the argument, he told me that he could treat me nicely, but, I don't deserve it after what I did to him at Christmas, and that I owe him way more than he does me...
effectively, he told me he's punishing me.
I dote on this man, take good care of him always, listened to him always, support him....
i try so hard, all the time.. and it does make sense what he said because I do tread on eggshells with what I speak to him about or how I say something so I don't get attacked by his tone or words...

Since he said that, I feel heartbroken. But I don't know if I have the right to feel how I am... it changed things for me. To think someone who should love adore and protect me is intentionally making me feel a certain way to punish me....
but, I also know what I did was a big no no. I sought private professional therapy after it happened at my own expense, and it really did help me tremendously. But I don't know if I'm expecting to much after what I did.
Or am I right in feeling this is just cruel and vindictive and I feel I need to get out. If he can't forgive me and I've done all I can to try....

Feel very lonely right now.... Sad

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 13/08/2022 15:27

You both have a chance to have better lives

It's really "sweet" that you think he won't treat the next woman the same abd will have a better life.

He's an abuser, he'll be the same with the be woman, he'll torture her too. Prob break her down mentally if she doesn't leave.

I've been with one of these guys....poor pet hit by his unstable ex, and the previous ex used to look at him "so angry, with psycho eyes". Lemme tell you, within a year, I know exactly why those women struck out at him or looked "psycho". I no doubt started looking rather psycho myself and had I been a drinker or less controlled I could easily have hit him too. Because he was and is an abuser, a dementia.

LooseGoose22 · 13/08/2022 15:31

*a dementor

LooseGoose22 · 13/08/2022 15:36

*Luckily no children are involved so please just leave and let you both find happiness with other people.

Please don’t consider having children in this marriage it will not go well. Children make everything so much harder and you guys aren’t coping well with the easier pre-kids bit.*

This x 100.

You think a relationship is work ...throw a baby into the mix and see what it's like.

I was with my partner a very very long time before we had a child, we were in a comfortable, relatively placid existence before the birth. We've almost divorced twice since then and still may end up so. The levels of stress and conflict it adds are sky high. It could break the strongest relationship.

SquirrelSoShiny · 13/08/2022 15:37

It's better for you to start over and keep up the therapy. Yes you slapped him and it was wrong. But there's a cold bloodedness about what he's doing that's a bit weird.

SunnyD44 · 13/08/2022 16:21

This relationship just needs to end.

You we’re physically violent which I hope he called the police about?

And he sounds like he doesn’t like you at all.

What is the point of this relationship?
If he hits you like you did him are you going to stay?
When is enough going to be enough.

There is no way back from physical violence.

How many times on here do women post that their partner had thrown something, punched a pillow or pushed them - it always escalates.

You are abusive and if you cared for him at all you would have left as soon as it happened.

Lookingoutside · 13/08/2022 16:26

You’re not an abuser. Abuse follows a pattern and is repeated. Forgive yourself for lashing out once and resolve to never do it again.

His treatment of you is in fact abuse. He admitted that he is actively withholding good treatment from you and intends to continue to do so.

Tell him it’s over and leave.

Wellthatgotbetter · 13/08/2022 16:30

You dote on him and adore him but also hit him? Riiiiight.

Wellthatgotbetter · 13/08/2022 16:30

Lookingoutside · 13/08/2022 16:26

You’re not an abuser. Abuse follows a pattern and is repeated. Forgive yourself for lashing out once and resolve to never do it again.

His treatment of you is in fact abuse. He admitted that he is actively withholding good treatment from you and intends to continue to do so.

Tell him it’s over and leave.

She beat him. She went for him and hit him. WTF nonsense are you talking about?

Lookingoutside · 13/08/2022 16:32

‘You we’re physically violent which I hope he called the police about?’

I doubt very much that he wants the police anywhere near.

‘You are abusive and if you cared for him at all you would have left as soon as it happened.’

OP ignore this rubbish. Leave because you care for yourself. The man is an abuser and many victims lash out physically in the end.

You’re fine. Start your new life and speak to Women’s Aid about how to leave as safely as possible. Men like him are at their most dangerous when you leave.

Shiningstarr · 13/08/2022 16:35

Please get out of this absolutely toxic disaster while you can

Lookingoutside · 13/08/2022 16:35

‘She beat him. She went for him and hit him. WTF nonsense are you talking about?’

As above.

Re read the OP’s first post and then read a book about psychological abuse. Or read anything at all. And stop bleating ill informed rubbish on the internet.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/08/2022 16:49

Hi OP,
When you read the responses to your post, please bear in mind that people are reacting and responding to what you have written, and that no-one truly understands what is going on for you.

Has your husband only been like this since Christmas, or does his tone etc pre-date the incident when you hit him? Is there a chance that your actions were reactive abuse (have a Google) or do you feel that you were the perpetrator of abuse?

Either way, I would suggest that you leave and get some support. There are programmes for perpetrators of domestic abuse, and there are agencies that support victims.

The fact that you have been discussing children for the past couple of months at the same time as he has been "punishing" you is worrying, and suggests that you might need to work on healthy relationships in the future.

Tigofigo · 13/08/2022 16:52

Sounds like the shitty wedding was an omen, and that you shouldn't be together. It might feel hard but SO much easier to walk away when no DC involved. You both deserve clean slates.

SunnyD44 · 13/08/2022 17:13

OP ignore this rubbish. Leave because you care for yourself. The man is an abuser and many victims lash out physically in the end.

Are you serious?!

Wow.
I really hope you don’t give this same advice to the women who start threads on here about their partners lashing out at them.

There is never an excuse to lay hands on your partner no matter how annoying or how many buttons she may push.

Original poster
pastypam · 13/08/2022 17:13

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/08/2022 16:49

Hi OP,
When you read the responses to your post, please bear in mind that people are reacting and responding to what you have written, and that no-one truly understands what is going on for you.

Has your husband only been like this since Christmas, or does his tone etc pre-date the incident when you hit him? Is there a chance that your actions were reactive abuse (have a Google) or do you feel that you were the perpetrator of abuse?

Either way, I would suggest that you leave and get some support. There are programmes for perpetrators of domestic abuse, and there are agencies that support victims.

The fact that you have been discussing children for the past couple of months at the same time as he has been "punishing" you is worrying, and suggests that you might need to work on healthy relationships in the future.

He was like this before Christmas, he's always been quiet condescending, he's never wrong and he's alway right.

The escalation at Christmas came from weeks of being told I was 'insane' 'fucked in the head' and telling me nobody can stand me, not even my family... (who I just had a terrible falling out with). I own, we both said hurtful things in that period of time and I fully accept that I was in the wrong.

I tried to talk to him again this afternoon, he told me to fucking leave him alone, he's so angry at me and I've done it again.

I think today I've come to terms with the fact this is over... was along time ago. I was clearly deluding myself.

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 13/08/2022 17:21

You need to leave asap.

Wellthatgotbetter · 13/08/2022 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/08/2022 17:36

Do you have somewhere to go?

I would suggest taking all your vital documents with you, just in case it escalates.

Cas112 · 13/08/2022 17:47

You both should have broken up when that happened

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 13/08/2022 17:50

Lookingoutside · 13/08/2022 16:26

You’re not an abuser. Abuse follows a pattern and is repeated. Forgive yourself for lashing out once and resolve to never do it again.

His treatment of you is in fact abuse. He admitted that he is actively withholding good treatment from you and intends to continue to do so.

Tell him it’s over and leave.

I agree with all of this. OP, he is deliberately hurting and humiliating you. He is not a kind or good person and especially he is not good for you. Please free yourself.

IrisVersicolor · 13/08/2022 17:51

pastypam · 13/08/2022 17:13

He was like this before Christmas, he's always been quiet condescending, he's never wrong and he's alway right.

The escalation at Christmas came from weeks of being told I was 'insane' 'fucked in the head' and telling me nobody can stand me, not even my family... (who I just had a terrible falling out with). I own, we both said hurtful things in that period of time and I fully accept that I was in the wrong.

I tried to talk to him again this afternoon, he told me to fucking leave him alone, he's so angry at me and I've done it again.

I think today I've come to terms with the fact this is over... was along time ago. I was clearly deluding myself.

Show quote history

By the sounds of it OP you’re in a relationship that is verbally and emotionally abusive. Your latest post indicates classic gaslighting. The details you give, recorded in my last two posts, also point to that, in addition to the cycles of abuse you describe - sometimes in love and happy, sometimes he’s cutting you down “maliciously” over something insignificant. This indicates a very common control pattern of love-bombing/abuse that keeps you “walking on eggshells” as you describe it.

I suggest you buy the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft, to look into the Freedom Programme. To read up on reactive abuse. To consider the fact that DH is putting you down and goading you maliciously, repeatedly until you snap and lash out at him. As what happened at Christmas. To consider that your long term anxiety and depression may be a consequence of this relationship. And to consider that the shitstorm around the wedding indicates unhealthy emotional and behavioural dynamics in at least one of the families involved.

As a response to your original question is this cruel and vindictive and do you need to get out, the answer is yes and yes.

SquirrelSoShiny · 13/08/2022 18:33

pastypam · 13/08/2022 17:13

He was like this before Christmas, he's always been quiet condescending, he's never wrong and he's alway right.

The escalation at Christmas came from weeks of being told I was 'insane' 'fucked in the head' and telling me nobody can stand me, not even my family... (who I just had a terrible falling out with). I own, we both said hurtful things in that period of time and I fully accept that I was in the wrong.

I tried to talk to him again this afternoon, he told me to fucking leave him alone, he's so angry at me and I've done it again.

I think today I've come to terms with the fact this is over... was along time ago. I was clearly deluding myself.

Show quote history

Yes this is poisonous and absolutely agree it's a cycle of love bombing and devaluing. Read up on narcissistic abuse. Sadly I've experienced a version of this (a friendship rather than relationship) and it honestly leaves you feeling like you're going mad.

You need to reach out to trusted ones about what has been going on. A smear campaign from his end is highly likely so be very careful who you tell. But absolutely get the hell out.

BeggarsMeddle · 13/08/2022 18:35

The OP didn't write 'Husband can't get over me hitting him' which would be entirely understandable. When a partner decides the appropriate response months afterwards is 'punishment' it says much about the dynamics of the relationship

unname · 13/08/2022 18:47

I think you need to forgive yourself and move on. He was terrible before this happened. It’s not going to improve.

Thelnebriati · 13/08/2022 18:48

I agree with SquirrelSoShiny. Please talk to Women's Aid as soon as you can and tell them everything you said on this thread.