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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband spat in my face

288 replies

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 20:11

Hi, I have not posted here before but I just need another perspective please….last night at around 2am my husband got out of bed and stormed off into the spare room. I was asleep but woken up to take a sip of my drink just before he stormed off. I was confused about why he was storming around, so I came to the spare bedroom and as soon as he saw me in the doorway he said “f**k off you fat slob” and I was shocked as I had been asleep, and prior to that everything was fine. So I asked what on earth was going on and he came over to me and spat in my face and slammed the door shut. I went back to bed shocked and shaken. He messaged me in the morning and told me that I contribute nothing to the relationship and as I do nothing (I work full time and do the house chores) the least I can do is make an effort when I come to bed. I haven’t been in the mood lately as I’ve been really tired with work and a new university course I have to take. So I’ve been falling asleep quite quickly most nights. But if he wakes me up and initiates sex or anything I go with it even if I’m not necessarily in the mood. Am I wrong for not going to bed wearing explicit clothing and initiating sex? He has behaved like this before over the same issue and other things.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/08/2022 13:14

Keep all texts as proof of his abuse.

howdidigethere · 13/08/2022 13:22

He's abusing you, being disgustingly violent, issuing orders then saying if his demands aren't met you can leave your jointly owned home?!! WTF. Was this latest event triggered by you not being up for sex? So a combination of anger at rejection and entitlement as a prehistoric male.

Gather your evidence (originals documents, photocopies, screenshots etc) but do this discreetly and let your family & friends know so they can support you.

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 13:34

I didn’t actually refuse sex, I don’t reject him when he initiates it, but I never really initiate it. So his problem is that I make no effort to initiate sex or dress up for the bedroom.

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 13/08/2022 13:37

What would you say if a friend or relative told you this?
As others have said already you sound an intelligent person who has got into a difficult situation.
There's a better life out there for you.

Pinkbonbon · 13/08/2022 13:44

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 11:49

He has emailed me today asking why I didn’t make his f**king tea. Because I always make his tea for work but this morning I stayed asleep. And I replied and said I was asleep and I said “you spat in my face swore and slammed a door shut in my face” and he replied saying he doesn’t care, I should set an alarm next time and that his actions were justified. He has also told me to sort a divorce. And sent me this link www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Spitting in your face is assault. And he has just admitted it in writing. I'd report him to the police. Might buy you some time to get the divorce rolling without having to move out.

Never share a room with him again. Get solicitor advice ASAP.

KyaClark · 13/08/2022 13:46

I really hope you find the strength to leave, OP.

You've taken the first step by writing here.

The next step is to plan. Plan where you'll go if you have time to prepare or "get your ducks in a row" and then plan where you'll go if you have to leave in a hurry.

Put a grab bag of clothes and toiletries etc together and hide it. Gather as much financial information as you can. Passport, driver's license and birth certificate etc.

Keep any evidence you have. As you have in it email form I suggest making a new email address that he doesn't know about and forwarding it all there, just in case he deletes it from your account.

And please, please remember, an abuser is at their most dangerous when you're leaving them.

Good luck.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 13/08/2022 13:50

You poor thing ...makes for very sad reading 💐

WaveyHair · 13/08/2022 13:54

So this relationship sounds completely dead in the water and not worth salvaging. See a solicitor & make a plan to put it out of its misery. Keep all communication on a need to know civil basis with H.

thefizz · 13/08/2022 14:01

Amongst all your other pain, I hope OP that you have checked the joint account to see if he has cleared it out already. If not take your share immediately.

I hope you find the strength and support to get away, and that you have good family who will hug you with love.

stillvicarinatutu · 13/08/2022 14:02

Come on op, even your updates sound tired , deflated , given up .

You don't have to leave - if you call 101 and explain what's happened, keep the emails , police could help you and he'd be the one leaving, not you . He seems to have absolutely no concept of right or wrong . Telling the police would help empower you , because he'd be leaving, he needs exposing for this behaviour, he would realise very quickly it is not tolerated. Let the police take the weight . Give yourself some power back , some time alone to think and plan . Your married so half of everything is yours . See a solicitor. Start divorce proceedings. With him out of the house , you have time to find things like passports and marriage certificate etc . Come on op - pull your big girl
Pants on and get rid of this vile , abusive bully boy . You deserve better and he deserves a night in a cell .

bunglegeorgeandzippy11 · 13/08/2022 14:04

He is a vile bully op, this has nothing to do with what you wear going to bed, he is not going to change. Is there anywhere you can stay or go to?

justasking111 · 13/08/2022 14:21

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 12:20

I don’t understand what I’ve done for him to have such hate for me, I cook, clean, wash and iron for him. If he asks me to do something for him I do it, unless there’s a reason I physically can’t. I don’t get how you can hate someone so much…

Perhaps he sees you as a mother figure reading this post.

You need to split finances asap. See a good solicitor and get the ball rolling

justasking111 · 13/08/2022 14:24

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 13:34

I didn’t actually refuse sex, I don’t reject him when he initiates it, but I never really initiate it. So his problem is that I make no effort to initiate sex or dress up for the bedroom.

He doesn't light your fire then. Another reason to move forward

justasking111 · 13/08/2022 14:26

thefizz · 13/08/2022 14:01

Amongst all your other pain, I hope OP that you have checked the joint account to see if he has cleared it out already. If not take your share immediately.

I hope you find the strength and support to get away, and that you have good family who will hug you with love.

My friends husband emptied all the money from accounts including their daughters who had inherited a lot from her grandmother

Sapphirensteel · 13/08/2022 14:29

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 11:49

He has emailed me today asking why I didn’t make his f**king tea. Because I always make his tea for work but this morning I stayed asleep. And I replied and said I was asleep and I said “you spat in my face swore and slammed a door shut in my face” and he replied saying he doesn’t care, I should set an alarm next time and that his actions were justified. He has also told me to sort a divorce. And sent me this link www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Maybe the 1950s want him back?
Seriously, this is an awful situation created by an awful man.
The split will be 50/50. Sell the house, pay off the mortgage, 50/50 of what’s left, never see him again.
He is not the man to have children with.
Legal advice and then bin him. He doesn’t deserve you.

beachcitygirl · 13/08/2022 14:30

Oh god Op. my heart is breaking for you.

Go somewhere safe.
Empty the joint account
Phone women's aid
See a solicitor ASAP
Do the womens aid freedom programme

Do NOT meet him alone
Do NOT stay in that house a minute longer

You are NOT safe ❤️

InquiringMinds · 13/08/2022 14:34

HappyHamsters · 13/08/2022 12:40

Start the divorce but dont bother discussing it with him, draw out half of the joint account, get all your paperwork, bank statements, earnings, passport, certificates, etc. Out of the house and give them to your family to keep safe. Keep his messages, you have proof that he spat in your face which you could tell the police and womens aid about. Stop doing anything for him, put a lock on your spare bedroom door, pack a bag in case you want to get away from this vile man in a hurry. I would also put a camera in the spare room if you are using that. Confide in your family, they will want to help.

Best advice and do it before he does! My ex husband cleared out our joint bank account and went abroad. OP please don’t let this happen to you.

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 15:08

He has seen that I have gone out of the house on the ring doorbell, and so he has emailed me saying make sure you do the oven and the shower. It’s because he doesn’t like that I go to my mums on a Saturday while he’s working, it’s my day off and I have cleaned the house, I admit the shower and oven need a clean but I haven’t done them so he will be angry it’s not done.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 13/08/2022 15:09

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 15:08

He has seen that I have gone out of the house on the ring doorbell, and so he has emailed me saying make sure you do the oven and the shower. It’s because he doesn’t like that I go to my mums on a Saturday while he’s working, it’s my day off and I have cleaned the house, I admit the shower and oven need a clean but I haven’t done them so he will be angry it’s not done.

Disassemble the ring doorbell

pointythings · 13/08/2022 15:12

He doesn't get to order you to do housework. If he wants the shower and the oven cleaning, he can clean them. And absolutely start divorce proceedings.

He cannot make you leave the house, ignore that and if he ups the ante in terms of his behaviour, call the police on him. He wants hardball? He can have it.

Galvanisethis · 13/08/2022 15:18

You need to leave him OP. He's abusive and you shouldn't have to put up with that, ever. I've been there.

Barbarolo · 13/08/2022 15:18

Please leave this awful man. No one should ever be treated with such disrespect. Sending you 💐and strength to set yourself free from this monster.

HappyHamsters · 13/08/2022 15:20

He is either extremely arrogant or extremely dim not to realise that he has as good as admitted he is physically and mentally abusing you and that he doesnt care, that he has threatened to make you homeless unless you obey his orders. Can you tell your mum and call the police, this won't get any better.

Suzi888 · 13/08/2022 15:26

I’d unblock him and let the messages come through as evidence.
Contact womens aid, you probably won’t want to contact the police, see a solicitor and get away from this pile of trash.
Do not have a baby with it.

You won’t have to contact him yourself or return to the house- the police and solicitors will deal with him for you. This type of scenario happened to a colleague of a friend. Coercive and controlling behaviour. No physical violence. She was rehoused and will remain there until the property is sold / he buys her out. I’ve no idea how you go about doing this though- others may know.

Galvanisethis · 13/08/2022 15:43

@Suzi888 Good advice. Let the messages come in OP and save them. Don't engage though..