My husband spat in my face

[Cantthinkofagoodname1]

Hi, I have not posted here before but I just need another perspective please….last night at around 2am my husband got out of bed and stormed off into the spare room. I was asleep but woken up to take a sip of my drink just before he stormed off. I was confused about why he was storming around, so I came to the spare bedroom and as soon as he saw me in the doorway he said “f**k off you fat slob” and I was shocked as I had been asleep, and prior to that everything was fine. So I asked what on earth was going on and he came over to me and spat in my face and slammed the door shut. I went back to bed shocked and shaken. He messaged me in the morning and told me that I contribute nothing to the relationship and as I do nothing (I work full time and do the house chores) the least I can do is make an effort when I come to bed. I haven’t been in the mood lately as I’ve been really tired with work and a new university course I have to take. So I’ve been falling asleep quite quickly most nights. But if he wakes me up and initiates sex or anything I go with it even if I’m not necessarily in the mood. Am I wrong for not going to bed wearing explicit clothing and initiating sex? He has behaved like this before over the same issue and other things.

Hi OP - hope you are ok. You've been getting lots of good advice on here - I sincerely hope you do leave for your own safety. The house/finances can be sorted at a later date.
I've just been reading about a Scottish abuser. Case concluded.
2 attempted murders
Assaults against 5 women
Poisoning 1 woman by putting Amphetamine in her tea.
One victim stated "Over the months there was strangling and spitting, a lot of spitting involved".
His sentencing is September 6th Edinburgh. I hope he is jailed for a very long time.
Best Wishes to you

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and advice, it has been unmeasurably helpful. I didn’t realise spitting was classed as assault. It’s all beginning to look clearer in my head now, if I hadn’t have posted on here I would have done nothing and the cycle would have continued. I am going to get legal advice and the help that I need. I am not going to tell him anything about what l am doing and I will get the divorce started. He has taken up too much of my time and energy already. I knew this a long while back but I was too ashamed and embarrassed to admit I had got myself into this situation. I still feel embarrassed about it all, it’s going to be hard, I’m scared and worried about taking the steps but I know I have no option. Thank you for helping me realise how bad it actually is.

I completely agree with this.

Nobody should be encouraging you to stay in such a violent living environment.

Your safety is paramount so just thank God that you have no children with this monster and then leave and don’t look back.

Hi OP, I'm pleased you're going to get the help you need. Yes, don't let him know what your thinking or what your plans are. He is already nasty and abusive so don't put yourself at risk.

When he realises you're leaving he may express "remorse", don't be manipulated into staying. Any change will almost certainly be short lived. If he actually cared, he wouldn't be treating you like this and certainly wouldn't be trying to alienate you from your mum (by getting angry when you go to spend time with you, or finding chores for you to do so you can't go).

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I agree. He sounds demented, and seems to be on the verge of violence all the time. Don’t give him any chance to attack you. You are not safe.

It's a hard journey but you'll get there. I say that as 5 years out of mine I'm finally me again and I'm happy. Every milestone like getting your own place, getting that promotion, going on holiday on your own, dealing with the death of a family member or pet, will make you stronger.

I told my best friend last year what happened and he was so angry. We had a lovely moment on holiday where he just turned round and said "the old you is back".

You go girl! It’ll be hard but ultimately you are on the right path 💜

I don't have anything to add to the great advice you've already had OP, but after reading your thread I wanted to wish you well. I am so pleased you're getting out. You are worth so much more than his awful treatment. All the very best to you.

OP,
Please tell your family.
You say you have support nearby.

Spitting at you is so shocking.
You need to tell them this.
Show the texts.

Let your family know the truth.
Stop protecting him.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Any shame is all his.

He is a violent thug.
Only scum spit.

I absolutely think if you report him and tell all that has been going on, he could be held accountable.

He is the absolute dregs.

That's excellent to hear.
Honestly your updates are unbelievable.
There is no way he could come back from this. There is no justification for this abuse.
He is talking to you like you are a piece of meat that is there purely to have sex with him and clean his house. And for him to verbally and physically abuse!!
He doesn't love you, please don't ever listen if he says otherwise now.
He's showing you how he feels.

Please do not be embarrassed. He should be embarrassed for his awful, vile behaviour.

I hear of so many really sad situations where abusive behaviour like this escalates. And it's bad enough already. Your safety is at stake. Please get some professional advice and leave him!

Girl you need legal advice. But you can’t stay where you are not safe.
Also with regards to you putting up with this before. If one of your girls friends told you this story what would you tell them to do.
You are worth so much more than this. Do what you have to do to protect yourself. This guy is so beneath you.! You deserve much better

I was also ashamed. 2nd marriage / failure again ! But I was destroying myself

The good news for you is that he has admitted his assault via text. His further texts are abusive. Even if they don’t hold up in court, (I am not in uk - no idea what’s admissible there) the police will take this seriously. Go to them with your phone and get a non-molestation order and have him removed from the home forcibly. There is nothing loving or kind about this man. He is dangerous and is escalating.

Blimey, his messages to you are vile!!! You are going to be well rid of this bullying monster!

Good luck with getting your ducks in a row 💐

Well done on making the decision to get out OP. No one here underestimates how hard that must have been.

He sounds like a very vengeful and angry man so you need to plan things carefully.

Today you should take a bag with your most precious and valued possessions and leave at at a friends / your mothers house ( assuming you can do this without him noticing, most of these things are quite small ).

Take

legal documents like your passport , birth certificate , graduation certificate, insurance, driving license etc
sentimental things like photos or jewellery
spare house and car keys if you can ( in case he takes yours )
make sure all your photos etc are backed up to the cloud and that he doesn’t have ( and can’t guess ) any of your passwords

Keep any work keys / ID / bank cards close to you but hidden so he can’t take them.

The next time you go out, take a few more things if you can, so you have a basic set of clothing at a friends house ( this is all assuming they have space,
perhaps under a bed in a spare room or a box in their loft ).

Perhaps you can do some cleaning and pretend to your husband that you are clearing out your wardrobe of old clothes and taking things to the charity shop in black bags etc .

Do NOT take things in a suit case and tell him you are leaving or thinking of leaving. I know it’s tempting to “ talk back “ to him and let him see how angry you are, but you need to think carefully if that’s the safest way to handle him.

Please consider carefully if you need to go along with him ( not arguing or challenging him ) until you can get Legal and other advice and make a safe escape plan.

You can always go grey rock. So still sleep in the other bedroom and just say all the time “ I don’t know / I’m tired / perhaps you are right / I’ll think about it “.

You know him best and how not to make him more angry. Because this is about you keeping safe and getting out without you being harmed. There will be plenty time later to give him a piece of your mind, let him know how much he had hurt you and how appalling his behaviour is.

This is the place to vent ( or with safe family and friends ) and home is the place to act.

@Cantthinkofagoodname1 I'm so pleased that you have started to realise you are in an abusive relationship, and are taking steps to get yourself out of it.

It isn't often it happens, but just from the title of your post my answer would be - leave him. Can you imagine hating someone, anyone, so much that you would spit in their face? And he did it to his own wife. The person he should love most in the world.

You have ended up in a situation where you work full time, do all the housework and cooking, yet your husband still thinks you should do more. He thinks he is the boss and you are the skivvy. He thinks on top of all of that you should be up for sex whenever he wants it. In fact he thinks you should be wearing sexy lingerie and initiating sex. How selfish and thick is he?? Why would anyone want to have sex with a lazy, selfish, rude, entitled, misogynost dickhead like him??

You should never have sex if you don't want to.
You should never live in fear of upsetting your partner.

In a healthy relationship, you split the work and the downtime 50/50. You support each other. You care for each other. You show respect for each other. You know you are loved, every day, even when life throws challenges at you. You are a team. You are equals.

He isn't capable of such a relationship. I'm so pleased you have a supportive family. Please please confide in someone with the truth of your relationship and they will be able to support you as you extracarte yourself from him.

You deserve so much better than him. Your life will be loads happier without him in it.

Did you know being spat as is classed as physical abuse? The police could arrest him for that alone!

Please get out. No one deserves this.

@Cantthinkofagoodname1 hey, have been thinking about you this week. I hope you are doing ok xxx

@Cantthinkofagoodname1 How awful.

Divorce him for sure, don't let him reel you back in to this rut again.

I am concerned and think you should leave for your safety, after how he's being about chores etc. He has the potential to turn even more violent.

Cantthinkofagoodname1 how are you doing?

😮 😮 😮

Good God - what am I reading? This post almost makes me think you are trolling because I actually can't believe you are worrying about the fact you haven't cleaned the oven and shower after all that's happened. This man is a lowlife piece of shit. And he isn't even trying to pretend he didn't mean it! He sounds like a petulant child who breaks his toys when he doesn't get what he wants. His actions and the way he speaks to you are so sinister, he sounds like he has huge anger issues and shouldn't be anywhere near any woman or child.

If this were me I would call the police - he sounds dangerous and I'd be scared that things could escalate if you stay in the house with him. You have proof that he spat in your face and abusive messages. The police will take it seriously and at the very least it will be logged in case anything else happens.

Also empty the bank account of at least half of the money (if you haven't done that you need to do it straight away).

Please find the strength to leave this utter monster - you don't deserve this, you must be living in fear of his temper and that is no life.

He sounds vile op and this guy sounds dangerous. Really hope you can leave him.