My husband spat in my face

[Cantthinkofagoodname1]

Hi, I have not posted here before but I just need another perspective please….last night at around 2am my husband got out of bed and stormed off into the spare room. I was asleep but woken up to take a sip of my drink just before he stormed off. I was confused about why he was storming around, so I came to the spare bedroom and as soon as he saw me in the doorway he said “f**k off you fat slob” and I was shocked as I had been asleep, and prior to that everything was fine. So I asked what on earth was going on and he came over to me and spat in my face and slammed the door shut. I went back to bed shocked and shaken. He messaged me in the morning and told me that I contribute nothing to the relationship and as I do nothing (I work full time and do the house chores) the least I can do is make an effort when I come to bed. I haven’t been in the mood lately as I’ve been really tired with work and a new university course I have to take. So I’ve been falling asleep quite quickly most nights. But if he wakes me up and initiates sex or anything I go with it even if I’m not necessarily in the mood. Am I wrong for not going to bed wearing explicit clothing and initiating sex? He has behaved like this before over the same issue and other things.

I am worried because we have a joint mortgage and financial commitments together… we have been together for 7 years, married for just over a year. He used to do this kind of thing years ago…but then he seemed to calm down…and now I feel like it’s out of control again…

Spitting in somebody's face is just the lowest of the low, how absolutely awful for you to have experienced that. Just disgusting. I really hope you find the strength to end this relationship. You deserve so much better than that.

Gosh I just want to jump through the screen and hug you, what a horrible situation.

I'm sure some wise mumsnetters will be along soon to signpost you to proper support. My first thoughts were Women's Aid and Citizens Advice. He is abusing you, emotionally and physically (spitting), so this is a relationship you really need to leave. Do you have friends/family nearby that you can stay with? If so, please go and stay with them if you can, for your own safety. Everything regarding money, the house, divorce, whatever, can be sorted out later. Your safety and mental well-being must come first for now

@Cantthinkofagoodname1 why havent you left him?. Can anything be worse than this?

Try not to think about the money side, but focus on your life and what is happening. I know it is hard but have you anywhere you could go for a day or two to just get some space?

Well you know now he won't change. No tin the long term. Short term shit dealing with the house is one thing. Being sexually and physically abused for decades, including bringing children into it if you choose it, is quite another.

Go, get some advice about getting divorced. Then get divorced.

Forget the mortgage and financial commitments, I know it seems scary and important right now but it isn't. I have a friend who got divorced but was stuck with the mortgage as they were on a 3 year fix. She made the payments until it was up but moved back in with her mum and dad. She doesn't regret a thing. Money is irrelevant when your safety and even basic dignity is being threatened by this man. Find somewhere safe to go and then legal and financial advice x

I never ever say this as it’s a huge deal
but he sounds awfully dangerous and Abusive - and it will never get better

so please seriously consider leaving him - I don’t think there is any other option

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour. You need to leave him one million percent!!!!!

Spitting is assault and really disgusting tbh
so sorry this happened to you
please leave if not now then soon he’s not a nice man and you deserve so much better
look after yourself

@Cantthinkofagoodname1 what do you want to do about this situation? How are you feeling about it?

Op
I'm a police officer, what he did was assault.

I think spitting on someone is the worst kind of degradation.
You would be well advised to call police - he would be removed from the ily home and give you time to think about what you want moving forward.

Please re-read your post and think about what you'd say if a friend had told you:

1. They work FT
2. They do all the household chores
3. They are also doing a uni course
4. Their husband expects them to "dress up" for sex and/or participate in unwanted sex if he wakes them up.

Given 1+2+3, I'm not surprised "your friend" has no interest in 4.

Add in him spitting in "your friend's" face and being verbally abusive .

What would you tell your friend?

I'm afraid "your friend's" husband really dislikes her.

Consent is all. Any unwanted sex is unacceptable.

Spitting in someone's face is an act of hatred.

Just because "your friend" happens to be married, doesn't mean they owe their husband sex, just as they don't "owe" sex to any random person they meet.

Why should "your friend" debase herself to someone who clearly doesn't value her?

Please take care of yourself, prioritise your own wellbeing and get out of this relationship.

He's abusive.

He sounds sexually entitled and coercive too.

Spitting at/on sometime is the lowest of the low intensely aggressive and intended to degrade.

Like an animal (in fact that's an insult to animals, they'd only be doing it by instinct).

If you don't already have kids with him, please don't... he's an abuser.

What are you going to do? Xx

Do not put this on you. This is far from normal behaviour and shows what he is capable of. Dangerous man.

I think I need to get some legal advice about divorce. I don’t know where I stand with it all. At the moment I’m just very upset that this has happened….

Dear god, that is revolting.

no one deserves that.

you are worth so much more than this.

Put up with this behaviour. It’s fine…..

said no one eve

You only have this one life. You have put up with him for 7 years. It's not getting better. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in an abusive relationship? Please please please leave him. You will sort out the finance, mortgage and everything. Just leave him. You deserve so much better. Life can be much better on your own. No one should ever even once accept to be treated like you were treated by him last night.

Op
Talk to the police . It will give you time to evaluate because he won't be there for a while .

They'll either bill him with conditions not to contact you or if you don't support prosecution you could ask for a dvpo - (domestic violence protection order) which would prevent him from contacting you for 28 days.
Gives you thinking time .

Thats abusive behaviour ,

@Cantthinkofagoodname1
It sounds to me like he’d been arguing with you in his head whilst you sleeping! I had an ex who did stuff like that and leaving him was the best thing I ever did. It’s abusive and it will only get worse. You sound quite afraid of him and if I were you I’d get out while you can. I’m not saying that it will be easy but you must keep yourself safe. You don’t deserve this, I’m so sorry. Talk to people you can trust about your options going forward.

This is not the love and respect you deserve and need. Please don't use excuses for him or think tomorrow morning this is ok or normal, or it's a one off, or he can change. You CAN do this. Please, please try to leave.