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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband spat in my face

288 replies

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 20:11

Hi, I have not posted here before but I just need another perspective please….last night at around 2am my husband got out of bed and stormed off into the spare room. I was asleep but woken up to take a sip of my drink just before he stormed off. I was confused about why he was storming around, so I came to the spare bedroom and as soon as he saw me in the doorway he said “f**k off you fat slob” and I was shocked as I had been asleep, and prior to that everything was fine. So I asked what on earth was going on and he came over to me and spat in my face and slammed the door shut. I went back to bed shocked and shaken. He messaged me in the morning and told me that I contribute nothing to the relationship and as I do nothing (I work full time and do the house chores) the least I can do is make an effort when I come to bed. I haven’t been in the mood lately as I’ve been really tired with work and a new university course I have to take. So I’ve been falling asleep quite quickly most nights. But if he wakes me up and initiates sex or anything I go with it even if I’m not necessarily in the mood. Am I wrong for not going to bed wearing explicit clothing and initiating sex? He has behaved like this before over the same issue and other things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 12:12

We own the house, it’s a joint mortgage

OP posts:
redbigbananafeet · 13/08/2022 12:13

Follow the link he sent you. He's testing you. Do it.

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 12:14

I have said I’ll do it, and I will. I think he is testing me too.

OP posts:
MojoJojo71 · 13/08/2022 12:16

@Cantthinkofagoodname1 I have been you. I was (I thought) a confident, educated, independent woman and I somehow found myself married to a man like your DH. He slowly wore down my self confidence to the point where he would shout, swear, spit and I would wonder what I had done to cause it. I foolishly did become pregnant and ended up staying for years longer than I should have. It was only when I saw my DS who was about 2 at the time cowering in fear while his father ranted and raved that I finally found the strength to leave.

i felt embarrassed and ashamed that I let it get like this. I felt I had made my bed and I had to lie in it. I used to wish he would beat me up so I could show bruises to people and I would then have a legitimate excuse to leave. I didn’t understand that abuse doesn’t need to leave marks. Please, please get out and please don’t have a child with this man. I love my DS with all my heart but not a day goes by I don’t feel guilty for not choosing a better father for my child, I am tied to this man forever and he repeatedly used my child to continue his abuse of me for years after our divorce.

Good luck, I know leaving him won’t be easy but believe me it will be worth it in the end 💐

Cyclemarine · 13/08/2022 12:17

Sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like he has wanted you to divorce him all along and is trying to put the onus on you to begin it so he has less admin or something.
Or he may have sent that link as a threat thinking you will buckle and allow more abuse and disrespect because he thinks you’d be frightened if he left you. Don’t let him call the shots or give in to this dangerous man who seems to have a lot of hate in his heart for you.

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 12:20

I don’t understand what I’ve done for him to have such hate for me, I cook, clean, wash and iron for him. If he asks me to do something for him I do it, unless there’s a reason I physically can’t. I don’t get how you can hate someone so much…

OP posts:
SideshowAuntSally · 13/08/2022 12:20

Take him up on the divorce, call his bluff. He doesn't think you'll go through with it. Mine used to throw divorce around until one day I called his bluff and said yes, I walked out the room head held high and promptly went and cried but it was the best decision I made.

eatyourcrustspls · 13/08/2022 12:21

Divorce him before he does anymore harm.

noirchatsdeux · 13/08/2022 12:22

Never share a room alone with this 'man' again.

Start the divorce, see a solictior and get every penny you can.

First thing I would do, today, is tell your family. Like other posters have said, don't bother with his ...as far as you are now concerned, anything/body to do with him should no longer be in your life.

billy1966 · 13/08/2022 12:29

Him spitting on you is assault and domestic violence.

Pop into your local police station or ring 101 and ask for domestic abuse advice.

This is a truly awful man.
Thank god you haven't brought children into this situation.

Tell your familyvthe truth.

Can you transfer half the joint account money asap into a trusted person's account?

Do this asap.
Why have you not got a single solo bank account?

Open one asap.

It's actually hard to believe this is real, it is so shocking.

StanleyBostitch · 13/08/2022 12:30

SideshowAuntSally · 13/08/2022 12:20

Take him up on the divorce, call his bluff. He doesn't think you'll go through with it. Mine used to throw divorce around until one day I called his bluff and said yes, I walked out the room head held high and promptly went and cried but it was the best decision I made.

Agreed. He's absolutely testing you, he doesn't think you'll do it. If he tries to pull the 'she's divorcing poor little me' act with anyone, set them straight. He spat at you, swore at you, slammed the door in your face and ordered you to sort a divorce. So you did.

TooHotToTangoToo · 13/08/2022 12:31

Sort the divorce and stop doing anything for him. He can wash his own clothes and make his own tea

If you spat in a policeman's face, they'd charge you with assault - remember that

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 12:35

I do have my own bank account, I just don’t have my own savings, the finances are all linked to the joint account. My own account is from before I met him and only has a few direct debits going from it that were set up way before I knew him

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 12:39

I told him via email that he can do his own jobs too now, and he said If I’m living in the house I will do the jobs, or else I can leave.

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 13/08/2022 12:40

Start the divorce but dont bother discussing it with him, draw out half of the joint account, get all your paperwork, bank statements, earnings, passport, certificates, etc. Out of the house and give them to your family to keep safe. Keep his messages, you have proof that he spat in your face which you could tell the police and womens aid about. Stop doing anything for him, put a lock on your spare bedroom door, pack a bag in case you want to get away from this vile man in a hurry. I would also put a camera in the spare room if you are using that. Confide in your family, they will want to help.

Anniefrenchfry · 13/08/2022 12:44

This is horrific. Why are you doing all these things for someone who abuses you like this? You have a job, you have access to money you can leave. Do so.

HappyHamsters · 13/08/2022 12:44

From your update he sounds a bully who is threatening you, its your house too and dont leave if its safe for you to stay. I would call womens aid, your solicitor and 101 for advice. Dont engage with him, dont text or email and have your phone ready to record him if he abuses you when he gets home.

category12 · 13/08/2022 12:44

Don't get into text wars with him - you don't need to engage with that.

Just do what you need to for yourself, your own washing, your own cooking etc and don't do his. You don't need to tell him you're not doing it.

If he's likely to get aggressive or violent, please consider leaving and sorting out the house from a safe place. And even if you don't think he will, please stay safe and be prepared to call the police straightaway if you feel threatened.

hesbeen2021 · 13/08/2022 12:45

Pretty sure someone else will have said this but in case they haven't; I think you may be entitled to claim legal aid if domestic abuse is documented
This is domestic abuse, please get it documented

quickbathroombreak · 13/08/2022 12:46

Report the verbal abuse and spitting to the police as assault, you have written evidence of him admitting to it. Ask the police to remove him from the house. Then gather important documents and start divorce proceedings. If you could stay with friends and family I would also leave whilst he is gone.

TooHotToTangoToo · 13/08/2022 12:46

He can't make you leave, you're married so regardless of who owns what, you're entitled to a % of it all. He CAN'T kick you out

Festoonlights · 13/08/2022 12:57

It is assault actually

RinklyRomaine · 13/08/2022 13:07

He can't throw you out but you might be safer. I certainly wouldn't be running around for him like some little housemaid but OP he sounds as if he has turned some sort of nasty corner. He is being extremely abusive and no longer trying to hide it. You need to be careful and you REALLY need to tell someone. If you were my daughter / sister whatever I would do anything to get you out of there. Don't be afraid to ask. Keep all your evidence but honestly I think you need to consider just going. A decent solicitor won't let you lose everything and imagine the freedom.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 13/08/2022 13:10

Make an appointment with Women's Aid asap, this is abuse. Get your affairs in order and good divorce lawyer,he is abusive.

billy1966 · 13/08/2022 13:13

Him telling you will do things or get out is threatening behaviour, after the assault.

Please call the police.

Help yourself.

Can you transfer money from the joint account into your own account?

If you dont have access to your own money that is financial abuse and a crime.

Call 101.