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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband spat in my face

288 replies

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 20:11

Hi, I have not posted here before but I just need another perspective please….last night at around 2am my husband got out of bed and stormed off into the spare room. I was asleep but woken up to take a sip of my drink just before he stormed off. I was confused about why he was storming around, so I came to the spare bedroom and as soon as he saw me in the doorway he said “f**k off you fat slob” and I was shocked as I had been asleep, and prior to that everything was fine. So I asked what on earth was going on and he came over to me and spat in my face and slammed the door shut. I went back to bed shocked and shaken. He messaged me in the morning and told me that I contribute nothing to the relationship and as I do nothing (I work full time and do the house chores) the least I can do is make an effort when I come to bed. I haven’t been in the mood lately as I’ve been really tired with work and a new university course I have to take. So I’ve been falling asleep quite quickly most nights. But if he wakes me up and initiates sex or anything I go with it even if I’m not necessarily in the mood. Am I wrong for not going to bed wearing explicit clothing and initiating sex? He has behaved like this before over the same issue and other things.

OP posts:
dickdarstardlymuttley · 13/08/2022 16:08

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 15:08

He has seen that I have gone out of the house on the ring doorbell, and so he has emailed me saying make sure you do the oven and the shower. It’s because he doesn’t like that I go to my mums on a Saturday while he’s working, it’s my day off and I have cleaned the house, I admit the shower and oven need a clean but I haven’t done them so he will be angry it’s not done.

LEAVE THE BASTARD. Call the police. You are the victim of abuse, he is abusing you. Follow the sound advice you’ve been given here.

Isthisit22 · 13/08/2022 16:23

Report this to the police. It is assault. That will make it easier to get him out of the house. He sounds very aggressive and threatening- please be careful

DreamToNightmare · 13/08/2022 16:25

Jesus!

I have just read your posts OP and I am absolutely horrified.

You need to get away from this awful, awful man.

I’m honestly lost for words.

PinkButtercups · 13/08/2022 16:27

Make sure you keep the emails where he has admitted to spitting in your face.

He is a disgusting piece of shit. Don't do anything he tells you to do.

Can you go stay with your mum?

WinterDeWinter · 13/08/2022 16:45

Op. Even without the face spitting and the pressuring you into sex, this man is abusive in that he treats you like a servant. Please please leave. He's scum.

WibblyWobblyLane · 13/08/2022 16:53

Absolutely save the messages and emails. Just to add to what pp has said about rehoming, the council does have a duty to rehouse you in dv, but this is what you need to consider:

  1. In the first instance, they'll probably tell you to contact refuge as it's a dv case.
  2. You say you are in a professional job, which means a refuge place will be expensive for you (I was quoted 400 per week back in 2019)!
  3. When the council do eventually take responsibility for it, they'll rehouse you in a place of safety so consider added time to your commute and how a lack of basic amenities might impact your studies. I was rehomed several times with 24 hours notice. 1 place didn't even have electricity.

I would try and actually stick where you are and put him in a position to leave. Contact the police and see if you can get a non-molestation order on him. They are really hard to get so you probably won't get one, but the process and police involvement might frighten him off.

Expect the next couple of months to be the worst. As abusers lose power, they ramp up the abuse. Stay strong and realise you will be happier in the long run. Keep in contact with your gp if you feel this is impacting your MH.

Don't do anything for him, stick to your guns on that. He can't force you out as you own the house, so he has zero power there. Don't go back to meet his cleaning demands.

Last but not least, keep a record of everything. There will come a time when you will start to doubt yourself and these records will keep you in check. Then when the anger kicks in, use it to your advantage.

stillvicarinatutu · 13/08/2022 16:54

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 15:08

He has seen that I have gone out of the house on the ring doorbell, and so he has emailed me saying make sure you do the oven and the shower. It’s because he doesn’t like that I go to my mums on a Saturday while he’s working, it’s my day off and I have cleaned the house, I admit the shower and oven need a clean but I haven’t done them so he will be angry it’s not done.

And what will the consequences of that anger be ? Fgs op , you're getting a lot of advice and sympathy, but you just keep updating with more and more evidence that he's an abusive , violent abuser . If you just want sympathy that's fine .
Why not stay at your mums tonight ? Tell her what's going on . I presume it's his oven and shower too ? Why are you doing everything? You need to stop being so passive. I know it's hard - it took me 3 years to leave someone who wasn't anywhere near as
Bad as this . Please stay at your mums tonight. Talk to her .

stillvicarinatutu · 13/08/2022 16:59

WibblyWobblyLane · 13/08/2022 16:53

Absolutely save the messages and emails. Just to add to what pp has said about rehoming, the council does have a duty to rehouse you in dv, but this is what you need to consider:

  1. In the first instance, they'll probably tell you to contact refuge as it's a dv case.
  2. You say you are in a professional job, which means a refuge place will be expensive for you (I was quoted 400 per week back in 2019)!
  3. When the council do eventually take responsibility for it, they'll rehouse you in a place of safety so consider added time to your commute and how a lack of basic amenities might impact your studies. I was rehomed several times with 24 hours notice. 1 place didn't even have electricity.

I would try and actually stick where you are and put him in a position to leave. Contact the police and see if you can get a non-molestation order on him. They are really hard to get so you probably won't get one, but the process and police involvement might frighten him off.

Expect the next couple of months to be the worst. As abusers lose power, they ramp up the abuse. Stay strong and realise you will be happier in the long run. Keep in contact with your gp if you feel this is impacting your MH.

Don't do anything for him, stick to your guns on that. He can't force you out as you own the house, so he has zero power there. Don't go back to meet his cleaning demands.

Last but not least, keep a record of everything. There will come a time when you will start to doubt yourself and these records will keep you in check. Then when the anger kicks in, use it to your advantage.

Non mols aren't hard to get if the police are involved. A non mol can be applied for by the police if the op tells them , and goes through with a prosecution. It's a common assault, spitting on someone , but the drip feed tells me there's probably controlling coercive behaviour as well . Getting a non mol could take time but in the meantime if op contacts police they will be able to put bail conditions on him to prevent him contacting the op ir coming to the house . The non mol could be granted at court if she assists with a prosecution and that would also be grounds for divorce .

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 17:00

The reason I am posting the updates is not for sympathy, but to hear from someone else that I’m not incorrect for thinking this is wrong behaviour on his part, in the past he has manipulated everything and twisted things to make it seem like it’s all my fault. He is still telling me today that his actions were justified etc I’m not looking for sympathy but to hear what others think. Because sometimes I wonder if I’m the crazy one when he tells me it is all my fault and he hasn’t done anything wrong.

OP posts:
dickdarstardlymuttley · 13/08/2022 17:04

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 17:00

The reason I am posting the updates is not for sympathy, but to hear from someone else that I’m not incorrect for thinking this is wrong behaviour on his part, in the past he has manipulated everything and twisted things to make it seem like it’s all my fault. He is still telling me today that his actions were justified etc I’m not looking for sympathy but to hear what others think. Because sometimes I wonder if I’m the crazy one when he tells me it is all my fault and he hasn’t done anything wrong.

It's called gaslighting - get out now x

WinterDeWinter · 13/08/2022 17:04

Op he's psycho.

alotoftutus · 13/08/2022 17:15

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 11:49

He has emailed me today asking why I didn’t make his f**king tea. Because I always make his tea for work but this morning I stayed asleep. And I replied and said I was asleep and I said “you spat in my face swore and slammed a door shut in my face” and he replied saying he doesn’t care, I should set an alarm next time and that his actions were justified. He has also told me to sort a divorce. And sent me this link www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Who the hell does this pr*%k think he actually is!
The more I read the more angry I become. You are not his bloody slave! He actually thinks he owns you!

Children are a blessing, but you've been given an even bigger blessing not getting pregnant by him. You are so lucky to to have that tie - he would be an absolute nightmare.

With a job, finances and no children you are in a good position to leave. That doesn't mean it will be easier but it could be a whole lot harder.

I hope you now give him what he wants and follow through with the divorce. He doesn't for a second think you will. He's broken you down so much he doesn't believe you have the strength to do it. But what is he adding to your life?

Don't be ashamed of telling your family what's happening. This is not your fault. Don't even answer his emails. Stay at your mums take a break and go from there. Can you take a week off work without him knowing so you have time to sort yourself out?

HappyHamsters · 13/08/2022 17:16

Yes it is wrong behaviour, it is not normal, he is abusing you and sadly only you can stop him unless he does this to other people. You have his emails where he admits he spat at you, doesnt care about it and has threatened you if you dont clean the shower. I would stay at your mums, call the police, show them the emails and tell them whats happened, they will advise you what to do, they can accompany you back to the house when he gets back from work or tomorrow and you get rid of this scourge in your life and find the happiness and respect you deserve.

MrMrsJones · 13/08/2022 17:32

I would report him spitting in your face to the police, I would tell them all that has happened, its then on record.

Do your stuff not his, if he gets angry call the police.

Take half the money from the joint account minus bill money.

Get a divorce ASAP

ladydoris · 13/08/2022 17:50

He asked you for a divorce. when a guy does that to a woman he does not think of you as his wife. Just comply and move on. Do it when he has his mind at i and it's his idea, otherwise will give you hell.

TooHotToTangoToo · 13/08/2022 17:55

Keep posting op, this board is invaluable for advice and keeping you grounded, it also stops manipulators from getting their claws into you and gaslighting you into thinking it's ok.

Fladdermus · 13/08/2022 17:58

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 11:49

He has emailed me today asking why I didn’t make his f**king tea. Because I always make his tea for work but this morning I stayed asleep. And I replied and said I was asleep and I said “you spat in my face swore and slammed a door shut in my face” and he replied saying he doesn’t care, I should set an alarm next time and that his actions were justified. He has also told me to sort a divorce. And sent me this link www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

So now you have proof from him that he spat in your face. Ring the police and report that he assaulted you.

Fladdermus · 13/08/2022 18:05

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 17:00

The reason I am posting the updates is not for sympathy, but to hear from someone else that I’m not incorrect for thinking this is wrong behaviour on his part, in the past he has manipulated everything and twisted things to make it seem like it’s all my fault. He is still telling me today that his actions were justified etc I’m not looking for sympathy but to hear what others think. Because sometimes I wonder if I’m the crazy one when he tells me it is all my fault and he hasn’t done anything wrong.

There is NO justification for what he does. NONE.

Are you scared of him?

PickAChew · 13/08/2022 18:09

Are you his wife or his servant? I'd regard it as a blessing that you don't have children together with this bully because that means you can get him out of your life forever and never need contact again.

wellhelloitsme · 13/08/2022 18:20

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 12:20

I don’t understand what I’ve done for him to have such hate for me, I cook, clean, wash and iron for him. If he asks me to do something for him I do it, unless there’s a reason I physically can’t. I don’t get how you can hate someone so much…

He doesn't hate 'you' per se. Not 'just' you.

He hates women so has utter contempt for you.

He's asked for a divorce. You have no kids. This is a golden opportunity.

Call womens aid, pack your essentials when he's out and go literally anywhere else you can for a few weeks while you start to process what has been happening.

Engage a solicitor and tell your soon to be ex that you will not be communicating with them directly at all due to their abuse. Block him. Stick to it.

While you're somewhere safe, make a formal statement to the police, follow through with the divorce. Also set up a personal bank account and tell your workplace you need to be paid directly into that from the next pay check onwards.

This is your chance. Please take it.

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant. It would be unthinkably selfish to bring a child into this relationship.

Flowers
wellhelloitsme · 13/08/2022 18:25

I know people are saying not to leave the house and that you shouldn't have to.

You shouldn't have to but the fact is, he is not a safe person to be around and he is not going to leave.

So in the short term, OP's safety is more important than anything.

Men like him kill women. Nothing is worth that risk.

Velvian · 13/08/2022 18:32

Move half of the joint accounts to your account.

WinterDeWinter · 13/08/2022 18:34

MrMrsJones · 13/08/2022 17:32

I would report him spitting in your face to the police, I would tell them all that has happened, its then on record.

Do your stuff not his, if he gets angry call the police.

Take half the money from the joint account minus bill money.

Get a divorce ASAP

I agree - report it to the police. Spitting is definitely considered to be assault. Show them the texts where he admits it (have you screenshot those yet?). They are likely to remove him from the house and that would resolve that immediate issue for you.

lamaze1 · 13/08/2022 18:41

The more you post, the worse he sounds. He is absolutely abusive and gaslighting you. Seriously, no one deserves to live like this. Get legal advice and get out. Do not bring kids into this or you'll be trapped and tied to him forever.

stillvicarinatutu · 13/08/2022 18:42

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 17:00

The reason I am posting the updates is not for sympathy, but to hear from someone else that I’m not incorrect for thinking this is wrong behaviour on his part, in the past he has manipulated everything and twisted things to make it seem like it’s all my fault. He is still telling me today that his actions were justified etc I’m not looking for sympathy but to hear what others think. Because sometimes I wonder if I’m the crazy one when he tells me it is all my fault and he hasn’t done anything wrong.

No love you aren't wrong . He's abusive and it's not you . It's him .