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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband spat in my face

288 replies

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 20:11

Hi, I have not posted here before but I just need another perspective please….last night at around 2am my husband got out of bed and stormed off into the spare room. I was asleep but woken up to take a sip of my drink just before he stormed off. I was confused about why he was storming around, so I came to the spare bedroom and as soon as he saw me in the doorway he said “f**k off you fat slob” and I was shocked as I had been asleep, and prior to that everything was fine. So I asked what on earth was going on and he came over to me and spat in my face and slammed the door shut. I went back to bed shocked and shaken. He messaged me in the morning and told me that I contribute nothing to the relationship and as I do nothing (I work full time and do the house chores) the least I can do is make an effort when I come to bed. I haven’t been in the mood lately as I’ve been really tired with work and a new university course I have to take. So I’ve been falling asleep quite quickly most nights. But if he wakes me up and initiates sex or anything I go with it even if I’m not necessarily in the mood. Am I wrong for not going to bed wearing explicit clothing and initiating sex? He has behaved like this before over the same issue and other things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 09:20

We don’t have children, we have been trying for the couple of years or so, but I have struggled to conceive…so that’s another stress I think we both have had…

OP posts:
Caramac555 · 13/08/2022 09:23

Outlyingtrout · 13/08/2022 07:06

You don’t mention children so I assume you don’t share any. That means you have a golden opportunity to rid yourself of this disgusting specimen and never have to deal with him again. Please do not make the mistake of getting pregnant and tying yourself to him for the rest of your life. That would be so harmful and wrong for you and for the child. Get out now, get divorced and do some serious work - with a professional - on your self esteem to make sure your next relationship, should you choose to have one, is healthy and happy.

This is not normal. This is not how people treat each other. You do not have to accept this. This is not “just how relationships are”. None of his good points make up for the way he chooses to abuse you. There are lots and lots of men who have amazing qualities and also manage not to abuse their partners - it’s not some kind of trade off you have to make. Even the best couples will argue sometimes and nobody behaves perfectly 24/7, but what you’re experiencing goes far beyond that. It’s abuse. Very clear cut.

I wish there was a like button for this post.

100% agree. Leave him now and you still have time to have a relationship and kids with a decent man, if that's what you want and when you're ready. Don't waste your days with this abusive prat.

IncompleteSenten · 13/08/2022 09:28

Bloody hell, please don't actively try to bring children into the world who will have to grow up watching their dad abuse their mum. There are far too many suffering that date already.

IncompleteSenten · 13/08/2022 09:29

Date = fate.

Anniefrenchfry · 13/08/2022 09:33

I think you both know this isn’t down to stress of ttc. As it has been happening much longer than that.

I am not sure anyone can really help you op as I suspect you are going to stay and take it, I would please consider ttc again, no child should be knowingly conceived to be raised in a deeply abusive home like this and with a father who is an angry abusive animal. It is one thing for you to choose this life, it’s a whole other thing to choose it for a child.

SideshowAuntSally · 13/08/2022 09:34

@Cantthinkofagoodname1 your story sounds so like mine. I stayed 14 years. I spent years with a man who promised he'd change and he did for a while but then the cycle continued. I was so downtrodden by the end I was a shadow of who I was. I was and am an intelligent, strong, independent woman but I was made to feel like I wasn't worthy of any better.

Speak to a solicitor, speak to someone but please don't stay. He won't change. You will take time to heal, but there are good men out there.

W00p · 13/08/2022 09:39

Yuck, time to split, there's no coming back from this.

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 09:40

I also am an educated person, I have a degree and I’m currently working on a postgraduate qualification. I have a professional job, I did not believe I would ever be in this situation…if someone had told me 10 years ago this would be my life I would have laughed in their face. It has slowly taken me over over time…and I have been In denial I guess…and doubted myself thinking I must be doing something wrong too….

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 13/08/2022 09:58

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 09:20

We don’t have children, we have been trying for the couple of years or so, but I have struggled to conceive…so that’s another stress I think we both have had…

This is a positive. You have no permanant ties with him. A horrifying fact, is that abusive men ramp up the abuse when a woman is pregnant. Get out now!

Blowthemandown · 13/08/2022 10:02

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 12/08/2022 21:48

We have a joint account so no I don’t have a personal savings account. I do need to get some advice about divorce because his behaviour like this is getting more frequent.

When he is being normal it’s lovely, and I’m happy. But when he turns like this it’s the worst feeling ever and I can’t concentrate on anything and constantly question/doubt myself…

@Cantthinkofagoodname1 open your own account, have salary paid in there, set up a standing order to pay set amount to cover your share of bills and mortgage into joint account (so you control your own finances but pay your way). Talk to husband and say it’s clear neither of you is happy and it is time to move on. Go to citizens’ advice and you should be able to get directed to some good resources. Also look on .gov for how divorce works. Then look at putting the house on the market.

0live · 13/08/2022 10:06

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 09:40

I also am an educated person, I have a degree and I’m currently working on a postgraduate qualification. I have a professional job, I did not believe I would ever be in this situation…if someone had told me 10 years ago this would be my life I would have laughed in their face. It has slowly taken me over over time…and I have been In denial I guess…and doubted myself thinking I must be doing something wrong too….

This isn’t your fault. You are in a classic abusive relationship. It’s happened to many of us on this thread, or to our sister or best friend.

We are all smart, strong women who never thought it would happen to us. We all blamed ourselves and doubted ourselves and analysed how we could do better and stop it happening . We tried to be better and more understanding and supportive wives/ partners.

But it just got worse.

Fluffymule · 13/08/2022 10:10

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 09:40

I also am an educated person, I have a degree and I’m currently working on a postgraduate qualification. I have a professional job, I did not believe I would ever be in this situation…if someone had told me 10 years ago this would be my life I would have laughed in their face. It has slowly taken me over over time…and I have been In denial I guess…and doubted myself thinking I must be doing something wrong too….

Domestic Violence is an inclusive equal opportunity abuse. It affects all demographics, all professions, ages etc.

From CEOs, to academics to creatives, to stay-at home, wealthy, poor, to the rich and famous, it’s prevalent any and everywhere. It’s no reflection on the victim and says nothing about them but everything about the nature of abusers being universal.

Don’t doubt yourself OP. You know you deserve better than this, you know you’ve got it in you to do what’s right for you. Seek the support you need from family and good legal advice, and don’t look back.

Sunnyqueen · 13/08/2022 10:15

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 09:40

I also am an educated person, I have a degree and I’m currently working on a postgraduate qualification. I have a professional job, I did not believe I would ever be in this situation…if someone had told me 10 years ago this would be my life I would have laughed in their face. It has slowly taken me over over time…and I have been In denial I guess…and doubted myself thinking I must be doing something wrong too….

Honestly, despite what society tells us anyone is one step away from a life we never thought we'd have. You need to leave, this will escalate maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a month but it will. And he will probably grovel will apologies between now and then. But you need to leave, doesn't matter about the house, doesn't matter if you leave with nothing. You can start again.

bloodyunicorns · 13/08/2022 10:15

Thank goodness you have no dc.

marlowe5 · 13/08/2022 10:16

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 09:40

I also am an educated person, I have a degree and I’m currently working on a postgraduate qualification. I have a professional job, I did not believe I would ever be in this situation…if someone had told me 10 years ago this would be my life I would have laughed in their face. It has slowly taken me over over time…and I have been In denial I guess…and doubted myself thinking I must be doing something wrong too….

Strength to you. Ironically perhaps, sometimes the fact that we are educated and successful in other aspects of our lives makes it harder for us to admit to ourselves and others what has happened - that was my experience anyway. I too am highly educated and had had a successful social and professional life until I met an abusive man. I couldn't quite admit I had made such a bad choice - but I was naive at the time about this kind of behaviour and had generally spent time with good men at uni so wasn't aware of the signs. Thank goodness you haven't had children with this man. That is so fortunate. You will be able to start again and wipe the slate clean to get your life back on track and in a happy strong place. Make your plans quietly and logically, get all the paperwork you need without revealing anything to him, get support of your family and then get out.

Velvian · 13/08/2022 10:26

Thank goodness you don't have DC posts are really judgmental and I imagine hurtful when OP really wants children.

When someone wears you down, promotes themselves as the paragon of everything and you as lacking, you don't believe that they are the potentially unfit parent.

Of course OP would be much better off not being tied to this aggressive, controlling man through children for the rest of her life. Berating her for TTC will drive her away from a good source of support.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 13/08/2022 10:26

I stayed because things had improved and I thought he had calmed a lot compared to earlier years

Dear OP, are you starting to see how he has moulded your brain during the time you have been with him? Why would you put up with an abusive man, just because he’s being (for a while) slightly less abusive than before? Why can’t you have a good man? Why do you have to be gratefulfor the moments when you’re not being abused?

Your situation is nowhere near normality. You have learnt to accept abuse as part of life. It isn’t and should never be.

Please don’t try working on this relationship. No man goes from spitting in a woman’s face to becoming a decent human being. He may just learn to disguise his contempt when necessary.

Fightingbackwithhappiness · 13/08/2022 11:49

OP you are being incredibly brave! It’s all very well for us all to say leave etc but it’s such a scary and big decision. You are probably a bit like me in that your good nature has compensated for his nasty one and that’s probably why your relationship has lasted for this long. Keep yourself safe and we’re all thinking of you! You deserve happiness.

Original poster
Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 11:49

He has emailed me today asking why I didn’t make his f**king tea. Because I always make his tea for work but this morning I stayed asleep. And I replied and said I was asleep and I said “you spat in my face swore and slammed a door shut in my face” and he replied saying he doesn’t care, I should set an alarm next time and that his actions were justified. He has also told me to sort a divorce. And sent me this link www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

OP posts:
YourWinter · 13/08/2022 11:51

OP please get out of this relationship now.

Italiangreyhound · 13/08/2022 11:53

He has shown you who he is. Unfortunately, he has also worn you down so you cannot react. Get angry. And get out. Now. Maybe it"s because of him you cannot conceive so if you get out you can try for a family on your own or with someone else. I know you really want children, but not with him I am sure

I agree with Olive...This is good advice from Olive... "Listen to these wise women and make your plans to get out now.

Do not I repeat NOT get pregnant by him for any reason at all. Even by accident.

Do not discuss anything with him.

Do not try to persuade him that his behaviour is wrong and you are reasonable to
leave him.

Do not use the word abusive and don’t even think about showing him this thread.

Google grey rock and do that. See a solicitor this week.

Confide in a friend or colleague that you can trust absolutely.

Do NOT talk to any Of his family, however lovely they are. Your objective here is to get out safely, not to shame him with his family.

Get counselling for yourself. Alone. Do not listen to anyone who suggests that you get joint counselling with him.

Do not listen to the tiny voice in your head which says that if you get joint counselling, the counsellor will tell him that he’s wrong and he will listen to them and change and everything will be wonderful again.

Get out as soon as you can."

You do not owe him any more chances you owe yourself the life you deserve.

Get out

Fightingbackwithhappiness · 13/08/2022 11:54

Cantthinkofagoodname1 · 13/08/2022 11:49

He has emailed me today asking why I didn’t make his f**king tea. Because I always make his tea for work but this morning I stayed asleep. And I replied and said I was asleep and I said “you spat in my face swore and slammed a door shut in my face” and he replied saying he doesn’t care, I should set an alarm next time and that his actions were justified. He has also told me to sort a divorce. And sent me this link www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Jesus. That’s revolting how he can just own his actions towards you.

BadNomad · 13/08/2022 11:58

This "man" does not deserve to be a father, and no child deserves that for a father. If having children is important to you, then file that divorce and go find someone more deserving. Do not tie yourself to this man for ever.

category12 · 13/08/2022 12:01

Crikey, he needs to make his own tea for the rest of his life.

Italiangreyhound · 13/08/2022 12:06

I am sorry if I missed this but do you own or rent?