How do I live with a very private partner?

[Franklyfrost]

I’ve been going to couples therapy and recently had a session where my partner couldn’t turn up. In this session the therapist pointed out that my dp was extremely private. I’ve realised that she’s right.

The main problem we were having is that I would feel unhappy about something, communicate this to dp and he would say the problem was not what I thought it was but my reaction to it. For example, he turned up 7 hours late from a bike ride with friends without letting me know. This left me looking after the kids all Sunday long. The problem for him is me taking issue with this rather than his failure to inform me of his change of plans. His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

I’m interested in replacing the word ‘a-hole’ with the word ‘private’ in my thoughts about dp. With the bike ride example he would find it intrusive to have to tell me he’d be home later, he never tells me where he’s going when he goes out or when he’ll be home from work, he never communicates how he feels, yesterday he took offence at the insurance company asking why he didn’t want to renew his policy (he refused to answer even if the poor call handler just needed to tick a box), also yesterday he was outraged that his father asked him to bring a very minor, valueless item he needed for a repair when he was going round to visit his parents because it was an imposition on his autonomy.

He is intensely, perhaps pathologically, private. He doesn’t want to hear how his behaviour makes me feel and doesn’t want to discuss how he feels. I don’t think that is ever going to change. What is this? How do I live with it? Has anyone come to terms with having an extremely private partner? Is it some sort of psychological disorder? Please no ‘leave now’ comments, life is complicated and now is not the time to leave.

He sounds incredibly selfish, why did he have a family? he doesn't seem to be interested or to care about anyone.

“I ask you for nothing, and you ask me for nothing.”
At which point in the relationship was this revealed to you?

Oh my god he’s just an arsehole.

The fact you have 2 kids suggests this is pretty long term so I'm assuming he has always been like this. Why is it only an issue now?

Fucking hell he sounds awful. That's no way to live. What a monumentally arrogant prick.

Yeah, this isn't private, it's self centered selfish arsehole. He basically only thinks of himself. I'm assuming that you are of course the default childcare, so by not asking each other for anything, you are therefore the only parent.

My eldest son is like this, I think he's got Pathological Demand Avoidance. He does not like disclosing anything, as a small child he used give adults a Paddington Bear stare if they dared to ask his name or age. He also hates letting me know his plans or who his friends are (he's 24 and lives at home).
Lots of other things, like discussing feelings, gift giving and receiving, i could go on.

This is really difficult and I’m sorry you’re going through this, however it’s really positive that you are having couples therapy and shows that he does care about you and your relationship.

As for him being ‘private’. All of what you have described (apart from the bike ride) sound like he just sets firm boundaries for himself which is healthy. As for the bike ride thing - I hate to say it but a common relationship issue where the dad enjoys his own sports /leisure time on the weekends without thinking that the mum may want to have a bloody break!

Has he had any past trauma/childhood experiences where he has been let down or anything like that? If it’s upsetting your relationship then it’s good to keep having the therapy together to work through it. Also have you thought about why his boundaries are upsetting you? Sometimes we can be offended by others privacy / boundaries because we don’t have a healthy enough relationship with ourselves to create our own.
Set yourself some boundaries, make them clear to your partner and see how it makes you feel / if he respects them. Even if it’s one evening a week where you go and do something by yourself for your own pleasure and nothing is going to stop you from having that time to yourself.

x

Also I want to add that him leaving you with the kids when you haven’t agreed is totally not acceptable. They are his responsibility too and he needs to take more responsibility here.

The main problem we were having is that I would feel unhappy about something, communicate this to dp and he would say the problem was not what I thought it was but my reaction to it. For example, he turned up 7 hours late from a bike ride with friends without letting me know. This left me looking after the kids all Sunday long. The problem for him is me taking issue with this rather than his failure to inform me of his change of plans. His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

Did you challenge him how you could co-exist in a parenting partnership with this attitude? How can you ask each other for nothing? It sounds like what he really means is you are to assume nothing from him, and be happy with that.

With the bike ride example he would find it intrusive to have to tell me he’d be home later, he never tells me where he’s going when he goes out or when he’ll be home from work.

If he finds it intrusive, I would wonder why he does not think that you deserve to know anything about him. It's strange that he doesn't think that there should be shared dialogue about day-to-day life. Are the kids his?

Do you tell him when you will be back when he's watching the kids? Does he expect you to?

He doesn't sound like he wants to change. It's more than being private, the counsellor was being a bit polite maybe? he sounds arrogant and entitled. As for how you can learn to live with it? Start creating your own life? Rely on friends and family more for emotional support? Keep a diary and just write everything to do with the kids in there, if he's interested he can look in there?

That’s not private. That’s deeply selfish. He doesn’t seem to have any clue his actions impact on you. I’m a very private person but I wouldn’t bugger off out and not let my husband know what time I’d roughly be back.

Does he spend time with DCs, does he share running the home?

He isn't "very private" he's "very much an arsehole". The concept of "I ask nothing of you and vice-versa" can't work when you live together and have a family. Of course I ask things of my husband and he asks things if me... because we had a house, life and kids together.

I know that you don't want to hear LTB, but you should be leaving him.

If you really don’t want to split up, you are going to have to find some coping strategies.,perhaps you could discuss them with the therapist?

does he like you being interested in him at all? Or is he just completely self contained ( if so, how did you get together.). Has it got worse? Because frankly it does now sound as if this has gone beyond being private into pathological attachment disorder. The fact that he is behaving in a similar way to his family seems to indicate that this is not just a reaction to your relationship.
It’s easy to say that it sounds as if he needs some help on a one to one basis, especially as of course this sort of disorder rather precludes talking to other people about it! But if it is progressive, is it going to start impacting on his employment? And on his relationship - or lack of it- with the children.

It might be worth posting this on the ND board for input. You have my sympathy, this sounds very, very difficult to live with.

Clicked into this thinking by partner, you were in a newish relationship. You have kids with this guy and he still thinks he has the right to come and go as he pleases?

No. This is not ok. He is utterly selfish.

I don’t think ‘private’ is the right term…maybe ‘self-absorbed’ is a better one.

He sounds like a twat tbh. Not a thought for anyone but himself and his own ego.

@stnoa · Today 14:59
The fact you have 2 kids suggests this is pretty long term so I'm assuming he has always been like this. Why is it only an issue now?

…..

It’s an issue now because after years of fighting to try and get him to not dismiss my feelings and to communicate his own what the therapist said gave me the realisation that it’s never going to change. He doesn’t want to engage with my feeling or communicate his own, not ever.

@SaintHelena
SaintHelena · Today 15:06
Does he spend time with DCs, does he share running the home?

…

Yes he helps out although I do the majority. He won’t do any projects together and I’m not allowed to touch anything that belongs to him.

What positives does he bring to your life op? I'm not being snarky, I just cannot imagine living like this especially with kids. He should be working with you as a team, not saying don't expect anything of me.

Honestly I'm not sure I could live like that and it is sad you have to. In your position I'd probably find it very hard not to entirely shut down and distance myself emotionally from him. I'd adopt that attitude that he wasn't there and leave him to sort himself even down to cooking/washing and just focus on the kids and myself. I see how that approach is probably not palatable, but I wouldn't be willing to keep giving and trying if I were being continually cut down as that would be far more damaging to my mental health and co Gideon E long term.

*confidence, not co Gideon E!

He is just your average selfish cunt, not private - that's way too kind a word for him. It must be very lonely living with a man like this. I hope you find a way forward to a better life.

He will never change as this is his core personality.
Two choices accept it or leave... there is no other option.

Have you had other relationships prior to this, if so, how did they compare?

@jessrsp
Has he had any past trauma/childhood experiences where he has been let down or anything like that? If it’s upsetting your relationship then it’s good to keep having the therapy together to work through it. Also have you thought about why his boundaries are upsetting you? Sometimes we can be offended by others privacy / boundaries because we don’t have a healthy enough relationship with ourselves to create our own.

Set yourself some boundaries, make them clear to your partner and see how it makes you feel / if he respects them. Even if it’s one evening a week where you go and do something by yourself for your own pleasure and nothing is going to stop you from having that time to yourself.

….

His childhood was fine as far as I know. I’m not sure about my own boundaries. I certainly am prone to oversharing and being ‘emotional’ but I’m also aware of this and hopefully I’m not a total nightmare. I did realise that I felt very vulnerable sharing how I felt with him only for my feelings to be dismissed and for his feeling never to be shared. Consequently I’ve been careful not to share my feelings with him over the last couple of months but it feels lonely and empty. I should clarify that when I say ‘share my feelings’ it’s often logistical stuff like: ‘I didn’t like that you kept me and the kids waiting in the car for 40 minutes two days running, could you let us know you’re not ready to go next time’ or ‘could you not put the wooden spoons in the dishwasher because they keep splitting’, it’s nothing woo or high maintenance.

My sister is with a man like this. She’s never once seen his passport or drivers license. All mail is delivered to a PO Box. She has no idea of which banks he’s with, or his NI number. She’s never met his family. They’ve been together 25 years and he moved in to her house so I don’t think it’s a case that he has another family.

He never ever tells her what he’s doing. He’ll leave in the morning and come back at night and she’s expected to jump up and get his dinner, and not question where he’s been, or with whom.

He’s a manipulative, controlling, selfish prick.

As is your husband.