How do I live with a very private partner?

[Franklyfrost]

I’ve been going to couples therapy and recently had a session where my partner couldn’t turn up. In this session the therapist pointed out that my dp was extremely private. I’ve realised that she’s right.

The main problem we were having is that I would feel unhappy about something, communicate this to dp and he would say the problem was not what I thought it was but my reaction to it. For example, he turned up 7 hours late from a bike ride with friends without letting me know. This left me looking after the kids all Sunday long. The problem for him is me taking issue with this rather than his failure to inform me of his change of plans. His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

I’m interested in replacing the word ‘a-hole’ with the word ‘private’ in my thoughts about dp. With the bike ride example he would find it intrusive to have to tell me he’d be home later, he never tells me where he’s going when he goes out or when he’ll be home from work, he never communicates how he feels, yesterday he took offence at the insurance company asking why he didn’t want to renew his policy (he refused to answer even if the poor call handler just needed to tick a box), also yesterday he was outraged that his father asked him to bring a very minor, valueless item he needed for a repair when he was going round to visit his parents because it was an imposition on his autonomy.

He is intensely, perhaps pathologically, private. He doesn’t want to hear how his behaviour makes me feel and doesn’t want to discuss how he feels. I don’t think that is ever going to change. What is this? How do I live with it? Has anyone come to terms with having an extremely private partner? Is it some sort of psychological disorder? Please no ‘leave now’ comments, life is complicated and now is not the time to leave.

He's not private
i'm very private

this is not it, he's just an asshat.

I think men like this have children for egotistical reasons. Leave.

@PetalParty

PetalParty · Today 15:23
Have you had other relationships prior to this, if so, how did they compare?

…..

Previous relationships did not have the same problem, although they did all end so they weren’t perfect!

I don't get why the therapist said he was extremely private, unless the context was that he pathologically doesn't want to share anything with you ever. Which is clearly true.

So, OP, what now? Even if he could change - and that's not certain - it seems he's happy with how his life is working for him. That said, can you accept this is your life, forever?

@EmmaH2022

Can I ask, seeing as you self identify as private, would you share how you feel with your partner? Or do you think that’s no one’s business but your own? Are you interested in how others feel or are you ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ with everyone? I can’t imagine not wanting to talk things through, to try and understand the other person’s point of view, to see how it’s different from my own.

Well you could say he was very private or like others have said just a selfish arse. I’m in the selfish arse camp.

I know you have said not to say to leave but I think you need to be gearing up toward that I’m afraid. His attitude is dreadful and cannot be good for your children.

Does he really ask you for nothing? There's nothing that he expects to be done for his benefit, ever, in the relationship? (So, for example, you regularly leave him alone with the kids, unannounced, and let him get on with it?).

He doesn't sound 'private'. He sounds completely and utterly self-absorbed. Also manipulative, I'm sure you fall in with his wishes now and respect his 'privacy' for an easy life. Is he like this with people other than family - work colleagues, friends?

How's his relationship with your children? Is it anything approaching normal? Or do they have to dance to his tune too, and not ask him anything or impact on his personal life?

He sounds like a psychopath! How did you fall in love with this person?! Surely he must have at least pretended to be interested in your feelings at some point?

Poor you - I can see why you'd feel lonely!

So you want to stay and you're saying you'll have to accept him for how he is. In that case, to avoid madness(!), you'll have to adjust a little.

If you've been in the car for five minutes and he's not turned up yet, then go without him. If he's not around at meal times, leave him to it.

An interesting thing to try would be disappearing off before he can go out and being out all day without letting him know when you'll be back. Are the kids happy to be left with him?

From the description, I'd think "controlling, selfish and secretive" rather than private. Lots of teenagers seem to go through a "very private" phase where they basically want their parents to know nothing, but that's more about boundary setting/transitioning to adult life in most cases. Anyway, he's not a teenager, you're not his parent. It must be very hard to have a relationship that is supposed to be based on intimacy and trust with someone like this and sadly, I don't think he's going to change.

I think it's a mistake to take the "leave now" off the table - it's never easy for anyone at any time is it? You ought to rethink that IMHO - I'm sure I will not be alone in thinking that.

You use the word "private" but I don't know why you chose that word - it doesn't sum his behaviour up well at all. He's selfish, entitled, inconsiderate, unfair - the list could go on - he sounds like a very spoilt child. Has his behaviour changed at at any particular point or has it been gradually moving to the point he is at ATM? Was he an only child (a cliché I know - but my best friend - now ex-friend of 20 years is an only child and he is the living embodiment of the cliché), was he pampered by his mother? Is his father rather inexpressive? What factors in his upbringing might account for how he behaves now?

"How do I live..." - I don't think you can. Is this what you want out of a relationship? If you are staying and you're not happy and want to try and change the status quo - it sounds like it's going to be an uphill, rocky, possibly futile battle - that's no good for anyone - you or the kids.

Where does the balance of power lie in the relationship - financially for instance? How much do you rely on each other and for what? How would each of you struggle if you were without the other - my wife, for instance, would struggle with anything to do with the bills, insurance, cars, etc as she struggles with computers, phones, her iPad, email and the internet - etc. even though I try to help her use and understand everything - it's just not her strength, she's not interested and she struggles to learn anything. Could your partner look after himself if he lived alone - or does he need a mother figure around?

How did your relationship end up like this? Going off for 7 hours on a bike ride leaving you with the kids and not knowing what was happening is just not - I'd be inclined to bank the 7 hours and spend them on yourself doing something you want to do leaving him in the same position but - honestly - that's not going to help is it - that's not how relationships "work" - as in "function in a healthy way".

Does he have a stressful job and needs time to himself? Obviously you need that too - does he not appreciate that looking after kids is sometimes all consuming and draining?

Somehow you need to find a way to open up communication and change the dynamic - something has got to change from your POV - you've got to get him to understand your position and accept change is needed. Otherwise - however hard it might be - I don't see why you would take that option off the table.

@AgathaX AgathaX · Today 15:36
He doesn't sound 'private'. He sounds completely and utterly self-absorbed. Also manipulative, I'm sure you fall in with his wishes now and respect his 'privacy' for an easy life. Is he like this with people other than family - work colleagues, friends?

How's his relationship with your children? Is it anything approaching normal? Or do they have to dance to his tune too, and not ask him anything or impact on his personal life?

…….

His relationship is okay with his own kids, not great with mine (we have 2 together, 2 from my previous relationship). He is like this with others as far as I can tell: he complains about people at work talking to him and the conversations he relates just sound like normal chat.

Do you have a good friend to confide in, because that will help the loneliness to an extent

He doesn't sound private he sounds like a selfish arrogant bastard.

"Intensely private" my arse, more like absolute selfish dick! Anyone with a partner/family would want to inform them of a change in plan so that rather than waiting for them they could go and enjoy their own day! Honestly OP think about stopping the counselling and dumping him.

How can you possibly continue to pander and bend to this sperm donor?
Have you tried leaving the house alone at 9am on a Sunday morning and waltzing back in at 6pm?

Every single day I am absolutely flabbergasted at what women will put up with from selfish men.

Why do you live with this awful man?

Sounds like a miserable existence for your children too.

@kimfox

kimfox · Today 15:37
He sounds like a psychopath! How did you fall in love with this person?! Surely he must have at least pretended to be interested in your feelings at some point?

…..

At first maybe he nodded along a bit and I took his affection for granted. I got pregnant early on in our relationship so that stuck us together.

I do worry there might be something quite wrong with him. He does have feelings, he gets offended very easily and likes affection when he wants it. Something happened that scared me a bit. We had been going to therapy and it was very clear that the only problem in our relationship in his eyes was me. So I suggested because I was so tired of fighting, that I just act the part of being okay with whatever he wanted and didn’t ask him for anything. I thought that if I pretended it was okay, maybe it would become okay with time. He agreed and then immediately initiated sex. I was a bit alarmed but consented and didn’t enjoy it. He kept initiating sex far more often than usual until after about ten days I told him that I didn’t want to keep having that sort of sex. He said it wasn’t his fault if I’d decided not to like sex anymore. We agreed not to have anymore sex I wasn’t enjoying but it continued for another month or so but not as bad. When I tried to talk to him about it he ignored me and when I asked him to discuss it with me he didn’t. It wasn’t rape, I was consenting to please him and seek some intimacy but it scared me that after years of having sex with him he either couldn’t tell if I was into it or me not being into it had no impact on his enjoyment. It’s very alien to me to be that disconnected. And maybe that’s me having a problem with boundaries. It did open my eyes to how disinterested he was. I should say that he will say he loves me if I ask him. And I think he might. Just something seems wrong. Are people normally able to not be interested in their partners feelings?

You said you can't leave right now but I think you need to start a plan to leave in the future. You know now that he is never going to change. Do you want to spend a lifetime with someone who is not really sharing your life?

@CPL593H
CPL593H · Today 15:38
From the description, I'd think "controlling, selfish and secretive" rather than private. Lots of teenagers seem to go through a "very private" phase where they basically want their parents to know nothing, but that's more about boundary setting/transitioning to adult life in most cases. Anyway, he's not a teenager, you're not his parent. It must be very hard to have a relationship that is supposed to be based on intimacy and trust with someone like this and sadly, I don't think he's going to change.
……

It does seem teenage, that’s why I wonder if it’s a psychological condition, as if he’s stuck in a developmental stage

You absolutely have to leave this man. For your children's sake if not your own. All the while they see what is going on and are observing your totally dysfunctional relationship. As a result they are getting a totally distorted picture of relationships between people who are supposed to love and support one another.

When you say he doesn't want you to touch his things what happens if you do? So say he leaves his coat thrown on a chair and you put it away what does he do? Is he concerned if you say you may have to leave the relationship as he is not engaging with you...does he actually care? Does he want your relationship to work and is that why he went to counselling? I think there is some mental health issue seeing he does it with his family/ workmates too so at least it's not personal. I am familiar with children with pathological avoidance issues and it was the first thought that came to me. Read up and see if it rings any bells.

Re your comments re the housework:

"Yes he helps out although I do the majority. He won’t do any projects together and I’m not allowed to touch anything that belongs to him".

He helps out!. Your relationship bar here is extremely low and this so called "private" man aka arsehole is taking full advantage. "Helping" also implies that housework is not a male thing. He lives there too and he is equally responsible.

@CounterTop CounterTop · Today 15:25
My sister is with a man like this. She’s never once seen his passport or drivers license. All mail is delivered to a PO Box. She has no idea of which banks he’s with, or his NI number. She’s never met his family. They’ve been together 25 years and he moved in to her house so I don’t think it’s a case that he has another family.

He never ever tells her what he’s doing. He’ll leave in the morning and come back at night and she’s expected to jump up and get his dinner, and not question where he’s been, or with whom.

He’s a manipulative, controlling, selfish prick.

As is your husband.
……….

Is your sister happy?