How do I live with a very private partner?

[Franklyfrost]

I’ve been going to couples therapy and recently had a session where my partner couldn’t turn up. In this session the therapist pointed out that my dp was extremely private. I’ve realised that she’s right.

The main problem we were having is that I would feel unhappy about something, communicate this to dp and he would say the problem was not what I thought it was but my reaction to it. For example, he turned up 7 hours late from a bike ride with friends without letting me know. This left me looking after the kids all Sunday long. The problem for him is me taking issue with this rather than his failure to inform me of his change of plans. His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

I’m interested in replacing the word ‘a-hole’ with the word ‘private’ in my thoughts about dp. With the bike ride example he would find it intrusive to have to tell me he’d be home later, he never tells me where he’s going when he goes out or when he’ll be home from work, he never communicates how he feels, yesterday he took offence at the insurance company asking why he didn’t want to renew his policy (he refused to answer even if the poor call handler just needed to tick a box), also yesterday he was outraged that his father asked him to bring a very minor, valueless item he needed for a repair when he was going round to visit his parents because it was an imposition on his autonomy.

He is intensely, perhaps pathologically, private. He doesn’t want to hear how his behaviour makes me feel and doesn’t want to discuss how he feels. I don’t think that is ever going to change. What is this? How do I live with it? Has anyone come to terms with having an extremely private partner? Is it some sort of psychological disorder? Please no ‘leave now’ comments, life is complicated and now is not the time to leave.

Look up PDA in adults

Those aren't feelings you are sharing they are objective facts.

How do these folk find wives..

And I speak as a man who didn't exactly have to fight people off with a stick..

This man is abusive, no doubt about it. I think other posters have responded to your initial posts about his secretive nature, however just going by your recent post about him initiating sex just after you'd said you would go along with things for a quiet life... he knew he'd finally broken down your boundaries and immediately took advantage of that. Of course he knew you weren't into it, that was rather the whole point. It was all about power.

@junebirthdaygirl
junebirthdaygirl · Today 15:57
When you say he doesn't want you to touch his things what happens if you do? So say he leaves his coat thrown on a chair and you put it away what does he do? Is he concerned if you say you may have to leave the relationship as he is not engaging with you...does he actually care? Does he want your relationship to work and is that why he went to counselling? I think there is some mental health issue seeing he does it with his family/ workmates too so at least it's not personal. I am familiar with children with pathological avoidance issues and it was the first thought that came to me. Read up and see if it rings any bells.

….

He will to me and say ‘you put my coat away’. He doesn’t say how it makes him feel or why I shouldn’t, just will walk up to me and say it, annoyed but not aggressive. I think he does actually care and wants our relationship to work.

Sometimes I think the dynamic of me sharing my emotions and him dismissing them plus not sharing his own is the dynamic that he made him love me, previous partners might not have shared their emotions if he wasn’t also sharing. He had no long term relationships before he met me in his 40s. A red flag, I know, I know.

I will read up on pathological avoidance, thanks for the advice.

He sounds a right wanker.

Is your sister happy?

No.

Shes very embarrassed by their situation but feels stuck. He’s very, very controlling and has cut her off from her friends and much of her family so she worries that if she leaves him, she’ll be on her own.

Her precious relationship was extremely abusive- she’s never been able to get out of that cycle.

"I think he does actually care and wants our relationship to work."

Sorry but I think you are deluding yourself.

“I ask you for nothing, and you ask me for nothing.”

That's not a relationship. Things like intimacy, commitment, communication, trust require give and take, support, being able to ask for help when you need it. What he is describing is devoid of those things. It's an arrangement.

"He will to me and say ‘you put my coat away’. He doesn’t say how it makes him feel or why I shouldn’t, just will walk up to me and say it, annoyed but not aggressive. I think he does actually care and wants our relationship to work".

Well YOU care and want this relationship to work but that is what you think. Its not necessarily what he is thinking and you are not in his head. He is well in your headspace though and he has all the power and control within this relationship.

Your relationship is fundamentally flawed. What do you have from him, showing you by both word and deed, that he does indeed care?. He still favours his biological children over yours; what are your kids learning about relationships here from you two?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like this man now does too?.

I hope the therapy opens up the possibility to you that you will have a better existence without him “ruling the roost”. Leave now seems very apt, you’re just in denial or don’t want to accept you can’t be treated as an equal by this man

Stop spending your time and energy wondering how you can change this frankly creepy sounding arsehole (you can’t) and funnel that energy into prioritising yourself and your own well-being. If you won’t leave him I’m not sure what can be done but rest assured, this isn’t normal and it’s not some inbuilt thing that he’s afflicted with and you must therefore make allowances for. He is CHOOSING to disregard you, exclude you from him life and fail his family. Think about that. Every day, he is choosing to cut himself off from you and your children and treat you with contempt. This isn’t a normal relationship, far from it, and you can’t counsel your way out of this issue.

Stop asking yourself how you can fix him, or change yourself to cope with him, and start asking whether you and your children deserve better than the crumbs of someone who gives not a shit about any of you. Really sad to read 😢

You were right initially op, he's an arsehole not private!

How would he react if you got up on Saturday morning and said to him 'I'm off out' and just left him and the dc, then turned up at 8pm? I'm presuming he's not be happy, but he expects you to be ok with that scenario if tables were turned.

He's an arsehole and using this 'private' label to be an arsehole. Who on Earth complains it's an insult to their autonomy when asked to bring an item to someone they were planning on visiting anyway - muppet

OP, to answer your questions

One of the reasons why I decided relationships weren't my thing is that I don't feel like I want that level of exchange or partnership. For example, I know some people like to talk to their partner about everyday stuff like what happened at work. I don't.

To some extent, I am okay to listen but frankly it depends how interesting it is! I can't imagine living with someone because I wouldn't want them to be around that much, or to know that much about me.

Conversations on "you made me feel this" just reminded me I need not to be in a relationship.

I spend a lot of time alone, by choice, and all relationships have felt too full on.

Sorry to say, I am not sure how relevant this is for you. Can my friends and family and neighbours ask me for help with things - of course, and they help me too. Would I ever turn up 7 hours after I said I would? Never.

He is not "private". He is a deeply unpleasant individual who only cares about himself. I am sorry but I am baffled how the "private" label presented itself or has any relevance.

my father was a very private person. He had loving relationships with wife, family, friends, without talking to anyone like shit, without being unreliable.

Could he be on the autism spectrum? He sounds like someone I know who has Asperger's. Take a look at that too.

he probably wants a domestic servant and raiser of children who will do as they are told.

He doesn’t sound private; he sounds selfish

It’s not the same thing

Also how he thinks relationships work is not how healthy relationships work- we give each other everything rather than ask for nothing 🙄

I wonder, op, if your counsellor actually meant "he's a fucking arse" but couldn't say that as you're both her clients.

Do you think the therapy is helping your relationship? Given the outcome of one session is him demanding sex he knew you weren't enjoying, guessing it's not really helping. I'd be tempted to sack it off but ask to keep seeing the therapist on your own, to explore how you got into this situation and how you can protect yourself while working on an exit plan.

@EmmaH2022
Thanks, I appreciate those insights. He could be both private and, unrelatedly, also an a-hole.
I feel that in do’s case there’s a relationship between those two things but maybe not.

I guess we should be grateful that it took until page 3 to go with the total controlling asshole = autistic angle.
For the sake of understanding:
autism - a need to control your own life
controlling asshole - a desire to treat others like shit because you enjoy it
HTH.

It sounds like the relationship is dead, or never was alive since he never gave anything at all to it? So the question is what do you need to cope with the arrangement while it’s more practical to stay.
what would he say in counselling if you said I cant love someone who shows me no love or respect. That day you were late and didn’t message- there was no respect for my time. I would never do that to you but you will always do that to me. It’s not a relationship, and in hindsight it never really was. I’m now here to improve my ability to cohabit with someone who doesn’t love me, because we have children together.

@Shoxfordian

Shoxfordian · Today 16:26
He doesn’t sound private; he sounds selfish

It’s not the same thing

Also how he thinks relationships work is not how healthy relationships work- we give each other everything rather than ask for nothing 🙄

…..

I thought that wasn’t how relationships work but there are various schools of psychology that promote the idea that you can only work on yourself and it’s unhealthy to rely on others (for example gestalt psychology). I’m not sure I buy it but plenty of people do.

That's not "being very private"; it's being "totally self-centred, selfish, immature, lazy and irresponsible".

A man who physically hurts women is not excused for being "very passionate and tactile."

Words matter.

You say he doesn't have a great relationship with your elder (not his) DCs OP. How do they feel about it? If he's making their lives miserable through his behaviour then that's really not acceptable. Your younger shared DCs are learning this behaviour and will have a warped view of what a proper loving, sharing relationship should be like.

I think rather than tie yourself in knots wondering why he's like this, you should concentrate on the effect it has on you. He's thinking entirely of himself I'm afraid and really, you should do the same. His priority is clearly (very clearly) him, make yours you.

@deeperthanallroses deeperthanallroses · Today 16:33
It sounds like the relationship is dead, or never was alive since he never gave anything at all to it? So the question is what do you need to cope with the arrangement while it’s more practical to stay.

what would he say in counselling if you said I cant love someone who shows me no love or respect. That day you were late and didn’t message- there was no respect for my time. I would never do that to you but you will always do that to me. It’s not a relationship, and in hindsight it never really was. I’m now here to improve my ability to cohabit with someone who doesn’t love me, because we have children together.
…..

If I said that he wouldn’t understand. In his eyes I would be controlling and complaining. The problem would be me taking issue with his behaviour, not the behaviour itself. He would say that he does love and respect me. And I believes that he thinks that he does.