How do I live with a very private partner?

[Franklyfrost]

I’ve been going to couples therapy and recently had a session where my partner couldn’t turn up. In this session the therapist pointed out that my dp was extremely private. I’ve realised that she’s right.

The main problem we were having is that I would feel unhappy about something, communicate this to dp and he would say the problem was not what I thought it was but my reaction to it. For example, he turned up 7 hours late from a bike ride with friends without letting me know. This left me looking after the kids all Sunday long. The problem for him is me taking issue with this rather than his failure to inform me of his change of plans. His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

I’m interested in replacing the word ‘a-hole’ with the word ‘private’ in my thoughts about dp. With the bike ride example he would find it intrusive to have to tell me he’d be home later, he never tells me where he’s going when he goes out or when he’ll be home from work, he never communicates how he feels, yesterday he took offence at the insurance company asking why he didn’t want to renew his policy (he refused to answer even if the poor call handler just needed to tick a box), also yesterday he was outraged that his father asked him to bring a very minor, valueless item he needed for a repair when he was going round to visit his parents because it was an imposition on his autonomy.

He is intensely, perhaps pathologically, private. He doesn’t want to hear how his behaviour makes me feel and doesn’t want to discuss how he feels. I don’t think that is ever going to change. What is this? How do I live with it? Has anyone come to terms with having an extremely private partner? Is it some sort of psychological disorder? Please no ‘leave now’ comments, life is complicated and now is not the time to leave.

What stands out from your posts is how disconnected he is. I don't think he has any feelings for you. I think if you walked out tomorrow you would never see or hear from him again. He keeps you around for housekeeping and cooking. How does he behave when you are ill? Is he resentful? He's not private. He's controlling, manipulative and quite frankly scary about the sex without you enjoying it. He would be more happy with employees and a blow up doll or a prostitute. I don't expect he actually likes women. He's coercively controlling you by making you not ask questions or touch his possessions. Privacy around personal savings is understandable but not allowed to touch a coat is fucking beyond weird. How much of your life do you spend thinking about this one-sided relationship? You could be free and happy. You are wasting your life on a man who doesn't seem to like you. Does he have any friends? As for the disrespect of just leaving, that is just treating you with contempt. You don't deserve the knowledge in his eyes. As for the 7 hours for a bike ride, bullshit. I would put money on him cheating. Probably with a woman he doesn't even like but the power and knowledge that he is treating you like dirt, well, he just gets off on that. Please get out, this man is bad. Nasty, selfish, self-absorbed, mean, cruel and sexually weird. You will be happier when you are not trying to make this dead relationship work.

I just wish I could find the fucker who decided it was up to women to 'figure men out' or 'change themselves' or even 'replace their fucking thoughts' to bend their lives and selves around a man.

It's been said before, it stands being said again: women are not a community centre for fucked up men.
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WHY* does working this out matter? You are unhappy - this 'relationship' does not fit your needs. It's damaging your children, dear god they must feel so rejected by their secondary caregiver.

The money you're spending on therapy spend on getting your ducks in a row. I know that's not what you want to hear but why in the name of god is leaving not on the table?

You cannot change him because he does not want to change. All you can do is change yourself (which is not working out for you rn, is it?) or change your situation.

I think you should try to put plans in place to eventually leave him, as I can't see him changing. He's manipulative and doesn't respect, or care for you. He's set the scene, many years ago and you have gone along with it for the most part, so he has no motivation to change.

Stop trying to get him to change, as I don't believe he will. Time for you to stop tolerating how he treats you. Lay down some ground rules, so if he spends all day out somewhere, while you look after the kids, then he needs to return the favour while you go out. He may well refuse, then stop doing anything for him, including sex. He needs to start having some respect for you, or make plans to leave.....even if it takes you a long time to achieve it. Don't make a fuss, get upset, or cry. Time to get tough with him!

He has a logical, factual brain, not an emotional one. He thinks people are responsible for the emotions they express. Like it's a choice. And he want you to detach from them the same way. It is quite a psychopathic way of thinking. Not like a horror movie, serial-killer type of way, but just in the detachment, lack of empathy, self-serving attitude and how he has no time for anyone else's needs. This is who he is. He won't change.

This isn’t normal behaviour OP and I don’t think you should live with it. We all deserve to be happy and I know a partner isn’t there to make you happy but they also aren’t there to make you feel like shit.
There is nothing wrong with you, do not change and bend to his will. I do not recognise his behaviour at all, it’s definitely not him being private. The therapist was being tactical when she said that, she could hardly say he’s a massive dick.

Yes also this. He isn't asking 'nothing' of you, he is asking you to shoulder the full mental load for your family and home. That isn't nothing.

He has done a clever mind fuck on you - "I ask you for nothing" when it seems that he is actually asking you to suppress your feelings, provide sex whether you are enjoying it or not, be the default childcare, be the default housekeeper ... I'm sure there's more you haven't said. Just because he's not said these things out loud ... Then he gaslights you when you complain.

Couples counselling with abusive partners is not advised, as they can manipulate the situation to continue the abuse. I would invest in counselling on your own with someone specialized in domestic abuse.

Well you recognize he is an asshole and you can’t change him unless he wants to change.

You say you don’t want to leave or not now, I assume you are deoensidnt on him financially or something but the options as I see them are continue to tell him how it makes you feel and hopefully he changes at some point or accept it as who he is and set your expectations accordingly until you are ready to leave.

Private is completely the wrong word. Utterly selfish seems more apt.

It may have worked pre children, but with them onthe scene everything has to be different and he should be playing a part.

Either you leave or you work something out, but what can possibly be good about living with someone like that who wants to lead a totally self centred life, what do you get out of it?

This is not an intensely private person.

I am intensely private (as a result of having family who make the Sun look tight lipped), it doesn't stop me telling someone if I'm going to be late.

That is just unbelievably selfish.

Why is your ba set so low OP?

OP, this man has got you dancing to his tune alright. You are on here trying to figure out why he is so private and then attending couples counselling (without him!) to try to get your marriage back on track and all he is doing is insisting he is private and should be allowed to get on with his life and that you shouldn’t be questioning him when he fucks off all day and doesn’t let you know he is going to be so late.

Really you know the answer to this one. He is never ever going to change. He is a selfish man who puts you and DC at the bottom of the pile under the guise of being private.

You have two choices: stay or leave. If you stay, you have this for the rest of your life. In your shoes, I would be making plans.

Pease read what you just typed and confirm if this is normal or not. The best option is to leave, your kids are seeing this and learning this is how a relationship should be and you are driving yourself nuts. If finances are the issue then start working on a plan to get your career back on track and a plan to get out .

Does that extend to looking after your joint DC?

If so who does he think is going to care for them?

He couldn't tell you he was going to be 7 hours late when you were looking after your joint DC??

He is a prize twat. Get rid of him.

Sorry, I have not read the whole thread. But.....I have a family member like this. He was bullied as a child and I would say there is a fair amount of paranoia around "private" issues. Giving an email address to a shop, for instance, is a big no no. It's a trust issue, I think.

However, I agree that it's not necessarily your job to figure his psyche out.

He isn't private, he is bloody rude.

It’s simple, LTB

Bloody hell, he sounds truly awful. A relationship - particularly one with children! - cannot work if neither partner is ever allowed to ask anything of the other. What if you got sick and needed to be cared for? Do you think he’d step up? Because nothing you’ve said suggests that he’d do anything of the sort.

You know, there are decent men out there, so why are you wasting your life on someone who seems incapable of being a true partner?

op, i'm sorry but he sounds awful. So if you never ask anything of each other... what would happen if you went out to do the shopping, leaving him with the kids, and then just didn't come back until the next morning. You'd be expressing your autonomy i deciding to go away for a night?

The comment re being annoyed because his father asked him for a very small favour - what a horrible, selfish, self centred man.

Sorry.

Dear God, Franklyfrost, it was bad enough until I read your post about the sex thing. That is all manner of fucked up.

I hope you can re think ending this relationship, it is incredibly unhealthy for you and your children. He is getting everything he wants whereas you are reduced to therapy and asking here to try and work out how to live with him. My heart breaks for you

OP, I've known a couple of people in my life like this. You cannot get through to them as they think in a completely different way and don't understand what's being said to them.

I don't think he's being selfish , as you've said about how he's also odd with work colleagues . He thinks his way of thinking is normal . It's not. I don't think he's capable of changing I'm afraid.

It wasn’t rape, I was consenting to please him and seek some intimacy

I’m afraid that is rape in my book. Coerced or manipulated consent isn’t real consent. I’d be out of there as fast as my legs would carry me.

Agreed.

I'd go with this. But really if he asks for nothing and you expect nothing, sot down with him and completely evenly divide up all childcare, house stuff, everything. Then he does exactly half and you do. No favours, no covering for each other. Like totally even housemates.

Then leave when you have the chance because he's a whole world of weirdness.

This. How can it be acceptable for him but not for you?
Eg he does all the housework and everything

He is ABUSIVE end of -don't be conditioned into believing this is him, I aren't worth more. Privacy my fucking foot. Team work my bloody arse.