How do I live with a very private partner?

[Franklyfrost]

I’ve been going to couples therapy and recently had a session where my partner couldn’t turn up. In this session the therapist pointed out that my dp was extremely private. I’ve realised that she’s right.

The main problem we were having is that I would feel unhappy about something, communicate this to dp and he would say the problem was not what I thought it was but my reaction to it. For example, he turned up 7 hours late from a bike ride with friends without letting me know. This left me looking after the kids all Sunday long. The problem for him is me taking issue with this rather than his failure to inform me of his change of plans. His take on what he wants from our relationship is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’.

I’m interested in replacing the word ‘a-hole’ with the word ‘private’ in my thoughts about dp. With the bike ride example he would find it intrusive to have to tell me he’d be home later, he never tells me where he’s going when he goes out or when he’ll be home from work, he never communicates how he feels, yesterday he took offence at the insurance company asking why he didn’t want to renew his policy (he refused to answer even if the poor call handler just needed to tick a box), also yesterday he was outraged that his father asked him to bring a very minor, valueless item he needed for a repair when he was going round to visit his parents because it was an imposition on his autonomy.

He is intensely, perhaps pathologically, private. He doesn’t want to hear how his behaviour makes me feel and doesn’t want to discuss how he feels. I don’t think that is ever going to change. What is this? How do I live with it? Has anyone come to terms with having an extremely private partner? Is it some sort of psychological disorder? Please no ‘leave now’ comments, life is complicated and now is not the time to leave.

Or perhaps he’s just a massive selfish psycho and the solution isn’t for the OP to blame herself and change her own behaviours?

I had a research around the suggested causes of dp’s behaviour, aside from a-holery. None of them sit right, schizoid personality disorder is closest but still not a fit. Thanks again for all the perspectives and advice.

None of them sit right

What difference would it make if one of them did fit?

Look after yourself, anyway.

It’s an issue now because after years of fighting to try and get him to not dismiss my feelings and to communicate his own what the therapist said gave me the realisation that it’s never going to change. He doesn’t want to engage with my feeling or communicate his own, not ever.

Finally, the epiphany!!! Hopefully admitting that he’s never going to change will be the catalyst for for you not waiting for him to chang.

Is there any point for you to research the suggested causes for his behaviour though, OP?

Would having a diagnosis or a “label” really change things? Would it change how you feel?

Are you looking for an excuse to stay with him? To validate his behaviour?

You must know that this isn’t a healthy relationship. Otherwise you wouldn’t have posted on here.

Please take PPs advice on board. Your children’s mental well-being and environment come first here.

He says that he loves you. And perhaps in his head, he truly believes that he does. But what does he do to show that he loves you and the dc? Nothing.

Is he friendly, kind, pleasant to be with, considerate, comfort you when you are ill or feeling down? After all, most people would do all of those things for a neighbour, friend or work colleague, wouldn't they? But you get none of that from him, do you?

He sounds like a psychopath to me. Not a chainsaw killer, Hannibal Lecter type, but an actual psychopath who doesn't see other people as entirely "real", and therefore never sees the need to take their thoughts and feelings into account when he acts. He would no more think of being affectionate to you than he would to the table, because, well, why?

He may or may not have a personality disorder, but does it matter? He is a horrible person to live with, and he doesn't make you happy. Worse, he makes you actively unhappy. Is this a relationship you want to grow old in?

Id be tempted to 'go to the shops' and fuck off for the weekend. See if his life philosophy holds true when the roles are reversed

Well, I don't know if it's any consolation, but when I was in a similar position to you, I did find stuff about my H, a label that fitted. But it made absolutely no difference to anything. He didn't recognise that label (or alternatively took merely a passing interest, as he did any conversation about himself), and he didn't change.

He believed he loved me. He totally believed he was the good guy. That didn't make his behaviour any less damaging to me. He was self-absorbed to the point of only understanding others when they acted like him. He saw me as a bit actor in the story of his life. I said similar things to you back then: he makes me feel unloved (unlovable?) and I can understand that. I'm not sure my feelings are valid. And so on.

I found individual counselling useful because for the first time I was talking and someone was listening as though what I had to say was important! I think my religious upbringing had left me with a confused impression that I should just serve and not look to my own needs.

I left him mainly because I was worried about the DC. (I have four, too!) Firstly, I didn't want them thinking our dysfunctional marriage was normal. Secondly, I wanted to give them space from him where I could prioritise them rather than hoping he wouldn't spoil our plans today or decide we should do something else which benefited only him.

How did your DC feel when you all had to wait for him to be ready with no idea how long he'd be?

You say you want him to be happy.

That's healthy when we love someone.

What's absolutely not healthy is wanting someone to be happy at the expense of your own happiness, your self esteem, your confidence, your self worth and your emotional security.

Do you think it's healthy for your kids to witness a woman sacrifice her wants and needs for a man who makes her feel unloved?

You could spend the next 30/40+ years feeling unloved by someone either unwilling or unable to fulfil your emotional needs, while you attempt to ignore your own and stay in a relationship that absolutely does not make you happy or emotional healthy.

The only person benefiting from this is him.

Not you and certainly not your kids.

Leaving your partner's 'diagnosis' unsolved keeps you trapped, OP. If you feel brave, it might be useful, if painful, to ask what you get from staying where you are.

This is such good advice and I wish I'd heard it/taken it years ago.

@Franklyfrost, I relate to your need to understand what's behind his behaviour. I think this comes from a few different motivations.

You may be highly empathic and have tried to soothe his behaviour so in your mind there is a "fix" that just needs to be unlocked.

You may have cognitive dissonance- the difficulty holding 2 beliefs about him..the man you met and married vs the man now.

It maybe a case of "boiling frog" as his behaviour has slowly escalated and you have accepted more about more of his behaviour as normal.

It took a close friend to wake me out of the trance by saying "he isn't normal". I went to counselling and learned to assert my boundaries- that escalated his behaviour such that it was very clearly controlling so I left. Now from a distance his selfish, controlling, entitled behaviour is so obvious. Of course he can be charming but there is usually an ulterior motivate or a pay off for him.

No one fits any profile perfectly instead name his behaviour. When he doesn't tell you he will be late, he is selfish & inconsiderate. Start a journal where you list his behaviours and what the pay off is for him. I think you will find it all becomes clearer.

Btw, crazy of counsellor to label him private , on that basis alone I don't think she is qualified to counsel you.

This could be a mental illness and or disorder.some of the things certainly stack up.more so because ass whole DO no they are being asseholes and don’t seem to react to being called out in the way your dp has done.they don’t even care they are abusive from the core.he sounds sometimes like he’s in an Inbetween.
have you been completely honest with him ever.said all the exposed and raw stuff you have on here?

does he get upset or frustrated or confused in how he is.does it bother him?has he ever been open to having a problem with how he is?
how are his kids then.you say he is fine with them what does that look like?

Does it really matter what the cause of his behaviour is? It has had, and continues to have, a detrimental effect on your own mental health, on your happiness, and possibly on your children's lives.
You don't have to put up with him. You don't have to stay with him. You could live a happier life separate to him.

Btw your therapist either sounds like s/he is being tactful using the word 'private' or you have taken her description of one action and applied it too widely to describe your OH's entire behaviour. Or potentially they are just incompetent, many therapists are. Any which way, you are trying to justify your OH's selfish behaviour at the expense of your owm happiness. If you continue in this relationship after reading all these comments, you are making a choice to put aside your own needs and happiness in order to remain in a relationship. That's your choice. You might still come to your senses at some point in the future.

This.

I’ve spent a huge part of my life trying to understand someone else’s behaviour to the detriment of my own.

The time wasted, my life - wasted.

Don’t do it. Just ask yourself what you want from life and strive to get it, whatever strength you need to do that.

Take care of yourself.