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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He refuses to go!

166 replies

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 09:45

He just won’t leave! I’m going to be screwed!

Not married (yes I know I’m stupid, I’ll be ensuring my daughters done make the same mistake)! My income is very low and I can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my own so will need to look for a job when the kids go back to school in a month and just coast into debt until then. I’m terrified!!

It’s joint mortgage, he won’t leave. He has family close by who he can go stay with but refuses too. My family are 200 miles away and with the kids school here isn’t a option. My family don’t have room for us to stay but his does as they are well off with a big childhood home.

If we sell the house I’ll have 100k which isn’t enough to house me and 2 kids, I can’t get the mortgage as my income is so low it’s pathetic, I’m on such a low wage.

He just wants to stay as I’m trapped here and given enough time he thinks we will just end up back together as we live together, that’s why he won’t leave. I’m trapped here and 12 years until the youngest is 18 and I don’t want to live with an ex for 12 years because I can’t afford to live alone!!!

Please someone tell me what to do. How can I ensure a secure place to live for me and the kids here so they can attend their current schools!! South east london so you get the gist of my housing problem-no one is even getting a garage for 100k around here let alone a flat/small house. Please tell me what to do!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:21

I appreciate that @Runwalkskijump but this is south east london and most people don’t do it alone, they partner up or house share. I don’t think someone would houseshare with me as I have young kids. Rent alone around here is roughly £1100-1400 and that’s the cheapest ones going!! Before bills and things too! It is absolutely crazy.

OP posts:
JemimaPuddleducksWaddle · 11/08/2022 18:22

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:19

Rude!! He can see the kids more than just the holidays if he wants too, but he will never give up his night work job, that’s his choice, not mine!! Thanks.

How is it rude.

You are assuming he will agree. You are assuming he or the children will be happy with holidays only.

Asking you if you would be happy if the boot was on the other foot isn't rude. It's exactly what a judge and court will ask.

Going to call the rude too?

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:23

Most at 30 years old still live home with parents as it’s just so expensive here! Basically it takes two incomes, one isn’t enough unless you earn big bucks which at the moment I don’t .

OP posts:
Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:24

Well I wouldn’t choose a night job over seeing my kids so you saying “though not!” Was the rude part.

OP posts:
Runwalkskijump · 11/08/2022 18:25

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:21

I appreciate that @Runwalkskijump but this is south east london and most people don’t do it alone, they partner up or house share. I don’t think someone would houseshare with me as I have young kids. Rent alone around here is roughly £1100-1400 and that’s the cheapest ones going!! Before bills and things too! It is absolutely crazy.

So no single families in South East London rent then?

That categorically isn't true btw.

MrsSchrute · 11/08/2022 18:27

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:24

Well I wouldn’t choose a night job over seeing my kids so you saying “though not!” Was the rude part.

Well presumably he chose a night job because it pays more and thus allows him to support his children?
I don't see that shift work would stop him having 50/50 care, especially if he lives with his Mum. Plenty of co-parents I know have grandparents who do some of the care.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:27

No, most move out, like I will have too. There are single parent families here though if you was lucky to get HA or council and things like that. I wouldn’t be entitled to that though. But you don’t get a working person renting with 2 kids on their own and paying childcare and everything with just the rent being so high, it’s impossible and why they say about London cleansing-because it forces the poor people out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:30

No it doesn’t support them, his a low earner and always has been. I am currently a low earner too, so not saying it in a snarky way, but I was the bread winner and supported us. If you look up thread I’ve spoken about it.
He chose a night job because he likes it, loves it! He enjoys it so will not leave even though it’s low paid as he enjoys it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:33

His mum is in her late 60s and would be too much for her to have the kids and look after them when he is working nights and sleeping days, getting them too and from school, it would be a lot for her, she has a few medical conditions and he wouldn’t put that on her so would want them when his not working, so holidays is what he will choose as it’s easier for him

OP posts:
Runwalkskijump · 11/08/2022 18:38

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:27

No, most move out, like I will have too. There are single parent families here though if you was lucky to get HA or council and things like that. I wouldn’t be entitled to that though. But you don’t get a working person renting with 2 kids on their own and paying childcare and everything with just the rent being so high, it’s impossible and why they say about London cleansing-because it forces the poor people out.

I know about London, thanks and yes you do. 🙄

MrsSchrute · 11/08/2022 18:43

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 18:33

His mum is in her late 60s and would be too much for her to have the kids and look after them when he is working nights and sleeping days, getting them too and from school, it would be a lot for her, she has a few medical conditions and he wouldn’t put that on her so would want them when his not working, so holidays is what he will choose as it’s easier for him

Why do you assume that he doesn't want to live with his kids just as much as you do? Would you be happy with just holidays?

PeekAtYou · 11/08/2022 18:52

If he's likely to want 50/50 then this will dramatically decrease the distance that you can move since 50/50 will mean both of you doing the school run so having to live pretty close to the kids school. You need to look into what 50/50 will mean with school applications too. The parent who has the kids on more school days is the address used on the application - it might mean his address is used if he has more than 50% of weekdays.

You can't assume that he'll want the kids every day he isn't working too. Some people start dating immediately so will want the day off.

Jollygreen · 11/08/2022 18:59

You cannot move the children 200 miles away without his agreement. He can definitely take you to court.

Your best bet is living together but separated until you start working full time and earning again.

Yes you may have to rent a 2 bed if you need to stay local and until you're earning enough to sell the house and live separately.

You cannot use the children as a weapon, telling him unless you basically stay in the house for 12 years with his equity locked in you'll take the kids far away. This would be frowned upon by a judge.

SandyY2K · 11/08/2022 19:01

He doesn't want to move back to his mum at his age. He owns half the house and he doesn't have to leave.

You'll need to accept one of his proposals or something that he doesn't feel disadvantaged by. As you're not married, you're not going to get spousal support, which would have helped, as you earn less.

Cheating doesn't come into it unfortunately and he clearly doesn't have any guilt over it that would lead him to move out.

Lmf685 · 11/08/2022 19:03

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:00

Ok I think I see, I am really trying to understand your points of view. It wouldn’t take 12 years for me to take the mortgage over, it’s a very very low mortgage as we brought the house over a decade ago so I could do it in 2-3 years but he won’t sell his half to me, that’s not an option, I either stay with him or sell the house, that’s what he says

Then sell the ……. House then!! I don’t get why your even posting on here. You know the answer and are just wanting sympathy cause he won’t leave the home and let you live there . If your that unhappy then sell the house. If the outcome is the same for him regardless of what happens then crack on ! Your dragging this out for no reason but your own stubbornness. Meanwhile your poor children are being dragged along .

SandyY2K · 11/08/2022 19:09

Why don't you agree to stay in the house for now...but live separately. You might find he can't stand it and change his mind.

SandyY2K · 11/08/2022 19:24

It sounds like. You could both workout the custody without court involvement which is best.

Try and focus on an amicable coparent relationship and not be too rigid with each other.

When you're talking to him, be practical, rather than emotional and present it as you doing what is best for the kids. If he's a good dad as you say, he'll be understanding.

Once he realises that you have no interest in reconciliation, but you want to work with him to coparent and do right by the kids...things may calm down.

You have many more years where you both have to communicate and as much as his cheating and lying has caused the relationship to end, if you can put that aside for a moment, it will benefit you in the long run.

It will hopefully make him not do things with the kids just to spite you. Play smart and grit your teeth.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 11/08/2022 20:47

OP, why do you think him doing 4 on 4 off would stop you having a 50/50 contact schedule? I know a dad who works 4 on 4 off, and he has his child on his 4 off, and they're with mum on his 4 on.

If he objects to you moving their school (as is his right) and he's still local to it, there's no reason he can't have them 4 on 4 off during school time, and take them to school.

I get that you're saying you can't afford to stay local and buy a home, and if you go elsewhere you want them to come with you, so in that situation their school would need to change, but I think you're getting far far ahead of yourself. The bottom line is you can't relocate the children without his permission, and 50 50 is the starting point for contact. There's nothing you've said so far that would legally give you the right to move the children or have them more than 50% of the time.

Hopeful22 · 11/08/2022 22:29

I can't believe I'm the only one ( I think ) that is saying this on this thread ... relationship gone bad , 2 kids involved and a family home- mother wants to stay in the family home , keep security and continuity during what will be a very disruptive time for everyone , priority is the children , mother wants to keep the house( and location) to ensure kids have a close relationship with father , and everyone , as far as I can see , is calling her out on it , telling her to get real and she can't just kick her husband out ?!
I'm pretty sure the end of any relationship where kids are involved isn't taken on a whim and the poster has thought about this long and hard.
I would recommend getting legal advice or free legal aid , I'm based in Ireland but have gone through a very similar situation where by my ex has to move out of the family home until my youngest is 18 , which is 12 years away.
The children come first- and as far as I can tell that's what this poster is trying to prioritise. She's not cutting them off from their father and has no intention of. And I'm sorry , any decent man would move out , put his children first and stop threatening her with all sorts

JemimaPuddleducksWaddle · 11/08/2022 22:36

I would recommend getting legal advice or free legal aid , I'm based in Ireland but have gone through a very similar situation where by my ex has to move out of the family home until my youngest is 18 , which is 12 years away.

They aren't married. Laws are different.

Hth

Cats23 · 11/08/2022 22:43

Sell the house and honestly, look at moving closer to family.
I did this, easier than I thought.
I dont own a home anymore (with 100k though, where I live, I wouldve had a decent house - Wales)
I live in my childhood area and the DC settled so well, they see their DF v.regulary and speak daily.
It can work but you need to put being out of the house as priority

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 12/08/2022 05:11

well I did notice that!!! Everyone saying it’s all about the kids coming first which only seems to be fine by the people of mumsnet when it negatively affects the woman!!!, but when it negatively affects the man it’s all- why should he have to keep his name on the mortgage, why should he have to move to his mums or rent somehwere close to keep the kids in the family home.
Funny that isn’t it!

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 12/08/2022 05:39

How is the house owned between you? You say it's a joint mortgage but you don't mention how you own shares of the property?

Also, from your figures, if you do get £100k, isn't that about a hundred months of rent? Seems you could sell, rent somewhere not too far away.

Or - you go and live with his mum?

Hopeful22 · 12/08/2022 09:37

Obviously the rules are different in Ireland but a great emphasis and priority are put on the family home as a structure of stability. And the main carer usually mum will reside in it with kids til they are finishing full time education.

That's if you are married or not, who put what in etc it doesn't matter.
It's like everyone is bending over backwards to suit him !

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 12/08/2022 09:40

Hopeful22 · 12/08/2022 09:37

Obviously the rules are different in Ireland but a great emphasis and priority are put on the family home as a structure of stability. And the main carer usually mum will reside in it with kids til they are finishing full time education.

That's if you are married or not, who put what in etc it doesn't matter.
It's like everyone is bending over backwards to suit him !

It's not to "suit him" just man pointing out it's completely unreasonable for someone to walk away from a house they half own irrespective of him having family close by.