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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He refuses to go!

166 replies

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 09:45

He just won’t leave! I’m going to be screwed!

Not married (yes I know I’m stupid, I’ll be ensuring my daughters done make the same mistake)! My income is very low and I can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my own so will need to look for a job when the kids go back to school in a month and just coast into debt until then. I’m terrified!!

It’s joint mortgage, he won’t leave. He has family close by who he can go stay with but refuses too. My family are 200 miles away and with the kids school here isn’t a option. My family don’t have room for us to stay but his does as they are well off with a big childhood home.

If we sell the house I’ll have 100k which isn’t enough to house me and 2 kids, I can’t get the mortgage as my income is so low it’s pathetic, I’m on such a low wage.

He just wants to stay as I’m trapped here and given enough time he thinks we will just end up back together as we live together, that’s why he won’t leave. I’m trapped here and 12 years until the youngest is 18 and I don’t want to live with an ex for 12 years because I can’t afford to live alone!!!

Please someone tell me what to do. How can I ensure a secure place to live for me and the kids here so they can attend their current schools!! South east london so you get the gist of my housing problem-no one is even getting a garage for 100k around here let alone a flat/small house. Please tell me what to do!!

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 11/08/2022 17:05

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 16:06

Why does everyone keep saying that like it’s an option? Why in the world would I ever leave my children? I’m their mother, and I know his their father, and a good one genuinely, but as if I’d ever leave them when it’s him whose cheated and lying. I didn’t do any of this. I done nothing wrong, I’m already going to loose my home, why would I consider it an option to loose my kids too?

You wouldn’t be leaving them. You’d be securing residence elsewhere and one would assume, sharing 50/50 custody with their father which is now the accepted standard.

MissMaple82 · 11/08/2022 17:06

Or, rent out of the local area at a cheaper rate. You will qualify for UC and housing costs until house is sold

RudsyFarmer · 11/08/2022 17:08

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 16:57

When we sell the house, he will have to leave, he will have to go and live with his mum. But by then me and the kids will be far away. Instead of him just doing that and he gets to be close to them. That’s what my point was.
Maybe it is wrong to think he would do something he will be doing anyway to ensure he gets to live closer to his kids. Maybe that’s the point, maybe his fine with us moving far away and he can start again in peace.
Regardless the estate agents are coming tomorrow to value the house and they think it will sell quickly as there is no forward chain

You’re acting as though you are dealing with a reasonable person. It’s obvious he wants to force you to stay so of course he’s not going to move out and make it easy. You have to find a different way to allow you to have your freedom and people are trying to explain what that might look like for you.

loopycurtains · 11/08/2022 17:10

So, if I have this right, you want him to move to his parents rent-free while saving for a new place for himself. In the meantime, you increase your earnings so that you can stay in the family home with the children and pay the mortgage each month yourself. But he stays on the mortgage. But when he has saved after a couple of years or two, how does he buy himself a new place if his assets/equity are still tied up in the family home? Who is the main carer? He could well take legal measures to try to prevent you taking the children 200km away.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:13

Thank you all for your views- if you could help with just one more thing please.
With 100k WOULD YOU

A- use it to rent local, keep the kids in school and near their dad and his family providing some familiarity and hope in 3 years you get your life together before the 100k runs out to still be living there but at the end of it own no property
or
B- relocate to a place where you can buy a property outright and start again there knowing you and kids won’t be homeless within 3 years.

I am thinking B, but does that sound smart?

OP posts:
Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:15

I was the main earner so when my business is back up and running I could buy his half out but he won’t let me. Only option is to stay with him or loose our home.

OP posts:
loopycurtains · 11/08/2022 17:15

B is the obvious solution but it all depends on:
A) Will he allow that?
B) How much access/custody will he want?

loopycurtains · 11/08/2022 17:17

If you were the main earner, was he the main carer? Forgive me if I've missed that bit, but the share of care/custody is crucial here.

abblie · 11/08/2022 17:17

It's his house as well

ImWell · 11/08/2022 17:17

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:15

I was the main earner so when my business is back up and running I could buy his half out but he won’t let me. Only option is to stay with him or loose our home.

Your story is absolutely all over the place at this point. Whether it’s true or not, I’m out.

JemimaPuddleducksWaddle · 11/08/2022 17:18

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:15

I was the main earner so when my business is back up and running I could buy his half out but he won’t let me. Only option is to stay with him or loose our home.

You are contradictng yourself though.

In one post you are saying your income will increase, the next you hope it will. Unless you have a crystal ball you can't tell, especially the way things are at the moment.

He can't be kept dangling for years.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:18

How can he not allow it? I can’t afford to house the kids closer, so how will I be enforced to stay? Live on the street with them?
He will have them 50% his a good dad normally but now I am not staying trapped here he is turning nasty but only to me.

Can anyone answer how he can keep me here? I wouldn’t be able to afford it…would he pay? How does that work? I could afford it in 2/3 years if my business is back up and running but if it’s not then I can’t and I certainly can’t afford it anytime soon right now

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2022 17:18

A

Your children have a right to a close relationship with their father

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:19

Yes but they have a right to be housed too, which is more important and why I was leaning on B

OP posts:
Bellyups · 11/08/2022 17:20

For the PP that keep suggesting shared ownership - shared ownership is designed to help those with very little deposit, but ok earnings.
Most schemes require a minimum salary in order to be accepted on the scheme. Shared owners have to be able to afford part rent (easily 400-700 a month depending on location), on top of mortgage repayments.
shared ownership is not aimed at low incomes.

OP, if you will end up with £100k and very low earnings, I’m sorry but you will have to move away. Absolutely no way you will be able to buy in London, and due to salary requirements you wouldn’t be able to go down the shared ownership route either.

I would sell and move nearer to family (I’m assuming they are in a cheaper area). Can the dc share a bedroom?

MintJulia · 11/08/2022 17:21

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 13:41

Because he can move to the next town and it won’t disrupt the kids as much and he can see them regularly instead of selling and me moving hundreds of miles away and disrupting them because he doesn’t want to move back to his families around the corner.

You don't need to move hundreds of miles. Move 50 or 60 miles out. relatively easy by train. He'll be able to do EOW, holidays and an evening in the week. When the DCs are older, they'll be able to travel back and forth by train.

It's his home. He doesn't want to leave. he doesn't want to split. And you can't afford it on your own so you need to find a compromise, can he buy you out?

And you won't be 'disrupted', you'll be free to start again. Which is what you want.

GeriSignfeld · 11/08/2022 17:21

@ImWell Yes I know that she doesn't have a right to decide take the kids.

That's why I said several times she needs him to agree to allow her to do this.

If he is deadset on having the house he may be focused on this & allow it without considering his rights

No good father would want to allow their children to move hundreds of KKM away but am just suggesting to OP instead of focusing on keeping the house if she can have him agree to that instead it would be a much bigger win for her overall

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2022 17:21

Oh stop being so dramatic. Your 100k will buy you plenty of rent. Even in the SE.

He can go to court to stop you from moving far enough away to limit their meaningful contact with him. With that much in the bank you can’t claim to be homeless. No one can stop you moving but he and the court can stop the kids moving and stop you changing their school. Then you’d have the chance to be the NRP and can come back to see them.

If that doesn’t appeal then don’t expect him to agree either.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:22

Yes my only option is to move away but I have noticed a few people saying he can stop me from doing that? But I wouldn’t be doing it through choice, I’ll be doing it because his making me. If I can’t afford to live close what am I to do.

we are not married if that helps. How would he stop me from moving to house the kids, would a judge do that?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2022 17:22

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:19

Yes but they have a right to be housed too, which is more important and why I was leaning on B

They can be housed by their father.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:26

And how will they be housed the 50% time they are with me?

He works night shifts 12 hours so our child arrangement wouldn’t work like most due to it moving along the week.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/08/2022 17:26

Another option is to buy via shared ownership means you may be able to stay nearer.

JemimaPuddleducksWaddle · 11/08/2022 17:26

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:19

Yes but they have a right to be housed too, which is more important and why I was leaning on B

Yes but not just with you. They will need somewhere to stay when with their dad.

You aren't going to be on the street with 100k and quite frankly it's insulting to those that really are facing that reality.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:27

Ok I understand, that money won’t be in the bank though, it will be spend time provide housing for me and the kids. Does that make a difference?

OP posts:
Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 17:28

He will go back to his mums so he will have the kids there when he has them. But they need a house too when I have them obviously!

OP posts: