He refuses to go!

[Isittrueornot]

He just won’t leave! I’m going to be screwed!

Not married (yes I know I’m stupid, I’ll be ensuring my daughters done make the same mistake)! My income is very low and I can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my own so will need to look for a job when the kids go back to school in a month and just coast into debt until then. I’m terrified!!

It’s joint mortgage, he won’t leave. He has family close by who he can go stay with but refuses too. My family are 200 miles away and with the kids school here isn’t a option. My family don’t have room for us to stay but his does as they are well off with a big childhood home.

If we sell the house I’ll have 100k which isn’t enough to house me and 2 kids, I can’t get the mortgage as my income is so low it’s pathetic, I’m on such a low wage.

He just wants to stay as I’m trapped here and given enough time he thinks we will just end up back together as we live together, that’s why he won’t leave. I’m trapped here and 12 years until the youngest is 18 and I don’t want to live with an ex for 12 years because I can’t afford to live alone!!!

Please someone tell me what to do. How can I ensure a secure place to live for me and the kids here so they can attend their current schools!! South east london so you get the gist of my housing problem-no one is even getting a garage for 100k around here let alone a flat/small house. Please tell me what to do!!

But why would their father agree to be without them either?

You need to try to look at this rationally. They are the children of both of you. You are living in a home owned by both of you, so you can’t assume that you will get sole custody of the children or be granted sole possession of the home. His parents’ situation won’t factor in to this.

If you want to leave him, you can’t make him leave his home, he has as much right as you to be there.

It’s a bit hard to tell what you want, but it seems as though you want him to leave his home, to leave his children behind with you, for you to stay in the home, but for you not to lay him any rent for use of his share of it. Is that correct?

Why should he leave his children?

That aren't his any less than yours.

The house will need to be sold and both take your share.

If you keep the house how will you pay the mortgage or are you expecting him to do that too?

Hi OP. I was in a similar situation. We lived in an affluent area neither of us could afford on our own even though we both worked full time. We tried mediation, we tried an arrangement where we would come and go and the children remained in the home but none of them worked. One thing we could agree on was the children came first and we would suck it up for what was best for our children.

We are now 4 years down the road from separation. We still live in the family home, we go on holidays together, family days out etc but there is nothing romantic between us and we have our own bedrooms. Our children are thriving and are aware their parents are separated and never question it. It was very tough for the first two years and we still have our moments but we have actually managed to establish a lovely "partnership." It most certainly is not for everyone and can be really tough at times, but I've managed to regain the respect I had lost for him over the years and he would be one of the first people (if not the first) I would call if I found myself in trouble. I suppose a big thing is neither one of us are remotely interested in meeting anyone else. That will change I'm sure but it works for us at the moment. Just thought you might want to see it from a different perspective. I wish you well OP, it's a very upsetting time x

I’m so confused what OP actually wants. You can’t for him out to live with his mum/parent/family. He’s a grown man!

you can’t afford to live in your house alone and pay the mortgage so you will have to sell the house or he buys your share. Either of those options you gain money to rent / shared ownership etc.

I feel your frustration. I get your point completely and you feel like he wins if you move out BUT your making it harder for yourself by dragging your feet. Get on your high horse and move on. No one wins, especially when there are children involved. The sooner you get on with it the better for all involved

By that logic, why would he ever leave his kids? Make it make sense.

Sorry op, you need to sell the house.

If his name is also on the mortgage it's not realistic to want him to leave but not to sell the house.

If you can't get a mortgage in your own name and release 50% of the equity to him then you'll need to sell and split the equity. Staying in the house while unmarried only works if one party can buy out the other.

If your youngest is in school I'd suggest getting a FT job, and renting until you can afford to buy.

But really the best option is to move out of London. It's impossible to afford to live there as a single person unless you're loaded.

I can afford to stay in the family home by myself if he stays on the mortgage but I can pay it, but obviously the downside for him is his name is on it, however it does build equity for him? He can live with his mum and save money fast and me and the kids will be in the next town carrying on. He doesn’t want to leave the family home so we have to sell, meaning once sold he will be going to his mums anyway as it will take him time to get a place here and me and the kids will need to move far away to afford a home.

Does that make sense now? He ends up in the same position no matter what, but in the meantime wants to make it hard and a shit option so instead I choose his option which is for both of us to live in the family home and me be trapped here. I’m not living a lie for 12 years so my only option is for us to sell as he won’t leave.

But once the house is sold he will be at his mums anyway! So his trying to force me to stay by not leaving so I have to sell. Hope that makes sense now.

No, it doesn’t make sense. You have no right to stay in the house and have him leave. You have no right to expect him to live back with his parents. You are living in cloud cuckoo land, thinking that despite you being the one who wants to leave that you also get to dictate what happens next.

How about you out on your big girl trousers, stop trying to dictate to him what he should do, and just find a sensible way for you to stay living together while you get the house sold?

You keep on talking about 12 years. If you’re pitching it to him as you staying in the house with him on the mortgage for the next 12 years then it’s obvious why he’s a hard no. You want him to put his life on hold for over a decade so you can carry on as normal.

Perhaps you could suggest that you staying in the home would be a one year to eighteen months maximum temporary situation. In that time you commit to finding a better paid job which would open up your housing options. Then you either buy him out or sell the house to buy somewhere you can afford, and he’s free of the joint mortgage. If you still can’t afford to do either then fair’s fair, you accept that you’ll have to consider other options like renting. Have a proper legal separation agreement written up to that effect.

You can't expect him to agree to do this for 12 years op!

While his equity is tied up in the house and his name is on the mortgage he can't get a new place either.

You're thinking what is best for you. He's not going to agree to this. I wouldn't either!

No it doesn't. You want your cake and eat it.

Why should he for 12 years not be able to get another mortgage himself or move on. As for liveing with his parents. (If they would even want him to) you seriously expect him to do so for 12 years?

No, that doesn’t make it any clearer. So what if he ends up at his mum’s for a bit once your house is sold, that’ll be up to him. You can’t just tell him to move out and live with his mum whilst you stay in the house-what’s to stop you staying there for years.

Sell the house and separate, then you can do what you want with your money.

This bit doesn’t make sense

My income is very low and I can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my own

I can afford to stay in the family home by myself if he stays on the mortgage but I can pay it,

When we sell the house, he will have to leave, he will have to go and live with his mum. But by then me and the kids will be far away. Instead of him just doing that and he gets to be close to them. That’s what my point was.
Maybe it is wrong to think he would do something he will be doing anyway to ensure he gets to live closer to his kids. Maybe that’s the point, maybe his fine with us moving far away and he can start again in peace.
Regardless the estate agents are coming tomorrow to value the house and they think it will sell quickly as there is no forward chain

No, he won’t have to go and live with his mother, he’ll have a £100k deposit and can buy a place for himself. Why are you claiming otherwise?

You do not have the right to move his children hundreds of miles away from him. They are his children too, a fact that you don’t seem to understand.

OP, can you clear up the point above? You said that you cannot afford to pay the bills and mortgage yourself, but have now changed that and said that you can.

Why the switch?

Stop throwing your toys out of the pram.

If you sell he won't have to live with his mum. He will have his equity.

Also stop using the DC as pawns. They aren't property to be used as leverage to get what you want.

I think your emotions - which are completely understandable - are clouding what is objectively fair, @Isittrueornot . You may be able to pay the mortgage, but he probably, and if so rightly, needs the equity in the house that is his so that he can buy elsewhere.

Breaking up isn't supposed to be fair; it's always a compromise.

Ok I think I see, I am really trying to understand your points of view. It wouldn’t take 12 years for me to take the mortgage over, it’s a very very low mortgage as we brought the house over a decade ago so I could do it in 2-3 years but he won’t sell his half to me, that’s not an option, I either stay with him or sell the house, that’s what he says

He will have to go to his mums because the equity is not enough to buy around here otherwise I’d be doing the same with my equity. His a low earner too.

If he won't leave & your family support is 200KM away, I would take this opportunity to play your cards right & convince him you need to move back to your family.

Because he has the power to keep you where you are now & prevent you from moving with the children.

While your parents may not be able to afford to house you, if you can move closer to them, you will have family to support you (at least emotionally!).

I'd say your best bet is to make him think he is winning by getting to stay in the house, getting to move closer to your your family & when you're away from him then force the sale of the home.

I know it's not fair you should move when you have the kids, but sounds like you can't afford your current location anyway.

I'd see being allowed to actually leave your city with your children as a massive win.

Hopefully he is so selfish & shortsighted he won't try to stop you, because then you'll be up shit creek.

Don't worry about their schools, they can find a new school. But finding a place with family support that is more affordable is your current predicament.

But you can’t afford to buy his half either. You suggested above that you can’t even afford to pay your half, so what does it matter whether he’ll sell it to you or not?

You say that you are in a very low paid job, so how can you be thinking that you have a route to buy a family home in the South East on that income?

She doesn’t have the right to do this.

Hr doesn't have to leave, I understand why he's not keeping, he's paying the mortgage. I would personally up and relocate with your family and get on the housing register there, and also spend that time retraining to get you better paid employment in the area. If they are overcrowded, then all the better as you'll be a higher priority. No way out of this is going to be easy, these are the risks you take when marrying.

Because my business was brining in 50-70kpa but due to covid hit the rocks. At the moment it’s making around 12pm but as covid is sort of coming to an end I’m pushing to get it back to where it was but that is not a quick thing. It could take a few years.