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Original poster

He refuses to go!

166 replies

Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 09:45

He just won’t leave! I’m going to be screwed!

Not married (yes I know I’m stupid, I’ll be ensuring my daughters done make the same mistake)! My income is very low and I can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my own so will need to look for a job when the kids go back to school in a month and just coast into debt until then. I’m terrified!!

It’s joint mortgage, he won’t leave. He has family close by who he can go stay with but refuses too. My family are 200 miles away and with the kids school here isn’t a option. My family don’t have room for us to stay but his does as they are well off with a big childhood home.

If we sell the house I’ll have 100k which isn’t enough to house me and 2 kids, I can’t get the mortgage as my income is so low it’s pathetic, I’m on such a low wage.

He just wants to stay as I’m trapped here and given enough time he thinks we will just end up back together as we live together, that’s why he won’t leave. I’m trapped here and 12 years until the youngest is 18 and I don’t want to live with an ex for 12 years because I can’t afford to live alone!!!

Please someone tell me what to do. How can I ensure a secure place to live for me and the kids here so they can attend their current schools!! South east london so you get the gist of my housing problem-no one is even getting a garage for 100k around here let alone a flat/small house. Please tell me what to do!!

OP posts:
Jalisco · 11/08/2022 14:10

So basically, he has to fall in line and give you everything that you want, because you want it. But you don't have to do anything you don't want (other than take his money). I don't see that playing out really. Whatever reason you have for wanting the split, good or bad, he has rights as well, and you will simply have to cut your cloth accordingly. And using the children as a threat is pretty awful and likely to rebound on you, if not now, one day.

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/08/2022 14:14

Jalisco · 11/08/2022 14:10

So basically, he has to fall in line and give you everything that you want, because you want it. But you don't have to do anything you don't want (other than take his money). I don't see that playing out really. Whatever reason you have for wanting the split, good or bad, he has rights as well, and you will simply have to cut your cloth accordingly. And using the children as a threat is pretty awful and likely to rebound on you, if not now, one day.

I have to agree, I’m pretty shocked actually. I always assumed that the men I’ve met who claimed they got a raw financial and housing deal from their divorce because their ex threatened to move and take the DC hundreds of miles away so they couldn’t see them unless they got what they wanted were misogynistic liars; yet there are several posters on this thread who appear to think this is an entirely reasonable threat for a woman to make - so maybe those men weren’t lying after all.

Tinaaaaarrrghhh · 11/08/2022 14:19

Why do so many women just assume they can dump the father of their children who also owns their house and it will just meekly and convienently slink off and make their life without him as easy as possible?
Especially when that involves turning their own lives to shit ala not seeing their kids often and having to buy another house?

Why are you refusing to go?

MadMadMadamMim · 11/08/2022 14:20

You're on a low income and can't afford the mortgage and bills on your London house.

You'll need to move. It's that simple. And if you want to stay in London with DC at the same school then you'll need to look for somewhere to rent. As you say, £100k won't buy you anything at all in London.

It would be far more sensible to move out of London.

ESCALT · 11/08/2022 14:21

AgentJohnson · 11/08/2022 11:12

OP you can’t afford to live in London. I understand why you don’t want to move (you would probably have to get your Ex partner’s permission to do so) but you would struggle if you stayed. I think you need to accept that the post split landscape is going to be very different for everyone.

It sounds like you think the ideal would be for him to move out and to continue to contribute to the mortgage and bills but that isn’t realistic. Just like you, your Ex has an equal share of your home and if you (understandably) really don’t want to live with him and he refuses to leave then the house wouldn’t need to be sold and you would eventually have to find a new home.

I agree with this

pinkfondu · 11/08/2022 14:24

Is he abusive as the advice would differ?

Assuming he's not, then I suggest mediation. You need someone to help you come to a conclusion.

ImWell · 11/08/2022 14:27

pinkfondu · 11/08/2022 14:24

Is he abusive as the advice would differ?

Assuming he's not, then I suggest mediation. You need someone to help you come to a conclusion.

We should ask if the OP is abusive too if we’re going to go down that route.

Lmf685 · 11/08/2022 14:28

Your better of selling and renting somewhere until your back on your feet. Could you afford the mortgage and bills alone if he left ?

minipie · 11/08/2022 14:28

I always assumed that the men I’ve met who claimed they got a raw financial and housing deal from their divorce because their ex threatened to move and take the DC hundreds of miles away so they couldn’t see them unless they got what they wanted were misogynistic liars; yet there are several posters on this thread who appear to think this is an entirely reasonable threat for a woman to make

It’s not a “threat” to get what she wants. The fact is that with a very low income and 100k from the house, OP cannot afford to live in London. OP can’t demand that her H moves out, obviously, but he can’t demand that OP stays close by when she can’t afford this. So his options are to sub her financially or accept she moves away. He could offer to be the RP if he doesn’t want to see less of the DC.

ImWell · 11/08/2022 14:30

minipie · 11/08/2022 14:28

I always assumed that the men I’ve met who claimed they got a raw financial and housing deal from their divorce because their ex threatened to move and take the DC hundreds of miles away so they couldn’t see them unless they got what they wanted were misogynistic liars; yet there are several posters on this thread who appear to think this is an entirely reasonable threat for a woman to make

It’s not a “threat” to get what she wants. The fact is that with a very low income and 100k from the house, OP cannot afford to live in London. OP can’t demand that her H moves out, obviously, but he can’t demand that OP stays close by when she can’t afford this. So his options are to sub her financially or accept she moves away. He could offer to be the RP if he doesn’t want to see less of the DC.

It they could both stay living in the house that they are currently in, be nice to each other, and make do until the children are older.

RudsyFarmer · 11/08/2022 14:30

Why can’t the kids stay in the house with him and you move out?

Lmf685 · 11/08/2022 14:31

Love this ! If he is the main provider then surely that’s a good idea for them to be provided for at their home

PeekAtYou · 11/08/2022 14:41

If your income is low then I'm guessing that you can't afford the mortgage on your own and can't afford to give him 100k to move out. You won't get many benefits with 100k in the bank either.

In your shoes, I'd be looking to getting court permission to move somewhere with the kids where you can buy a house for 100k or 100k plus mortgage on your wages (I'm assuming that you would earn similar elsewhere) I'd also be researching how to earn more. Remember that UC will pay up to 80% of childcare costs if your household income is low.

I'd understand that you couldn't move if your child is a tricky age like about to start year 11 but as primary school age, they will be ok moving schools. If you have a child about to start y6 then moving before secondary application deadlines is a good idea anyway.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 11/08/2022 14:48

I can’t see that being married would make much difference to your situation. You would still only be entitled to half of all joint assets. Marriage isn’t a ticket to unreasonable demands, on either side.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2022 14:50

It would depend on the length of the marriage, earning potential, ages of the children. If they were married OP might definitely be looking at more than 50% of the assets.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 15:43

It is not a threat to take the children away, it’s just the reality, I couldn’t afford to stay living anywhere close to here.
He has a regular income and his mum has a 4 bed she lives in alone in the next town, she wouldn’t charge him rent either so he could save pretty quickly. Hence why that option makes more sense for both of us and the kids, not just me.
His giving me the option of staying with him here in the family home or selling it and I’ll be homeless with the kids because he wants to keep me trapped!
(I will have 100k to buy somewhere far out though but not around here) so the only option is for me is to sell if I don’t want to be with a lying deceitful guy, I’m not having my cake and eat it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 15:44

We was together 17 years

OP posts:
Spohn · 11/08/2022 16:00

Can the kids not stay in their home, with their father? The parent who moves away is responsible for getting the kids to the other parent for their contact. You can’t kick your boyfriend out of his home. Your options are
-stay in the house with your boyfriend
-you move out, pay boyfriend child maintenance
-sell house, move somewhere cheaper and bring the kids to have 50/50 contact with their father.

Original poster
Isittrueornot · 11/08/2022 16:06

Why does everyone keep saying that like it’s an option? Why in the world would I ever leave my children? I’m their mother, and I know his their father, and a good one genuinely, but as if I’d ever leave them when it’s him whose cheated and lying. I didn’t do any of this. I done nothing wrong, I’m already going to loose my home, why would I consider it an option to loose my kids too?

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 11/08/2022 16:08

His giving me the option of staying with him here in the family home or selling it

That is a perfectly reasonable choice though.

What do YOU want him to do? Go back home and live with his parents whilst continuing to pay the mortgage on a house you live in?!

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/08/2022 16:12

If you’ll have £100K then you aren’t going to be homeless, you’re being dramatic. If you aren’t in any position at all to increase your income and then look at options like shared ownership, then you’ll at least have a good nest egg for rent. It might not be your ideal, and it might be difficult remaining in the family home together until it sells, but it gives you options.

It would be nice for you if he obliged with what you wanted him to do, but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to go and live with his mum. I don’t blame him, my parents are wonderful, worship the ground I walk on and would welcome me back with open arms like the goddess I am into any room of their five bedroom house I chose like a shot. But I’m 35 and I don’t want to live with my parents.

So you need to work with what you have. You can tell him you’ll have to move 200 miles away if he doesn’t do what you’re asking; though as I said previously, if it went to court you’d likely either be prevented from moving, or would be ordered to facilitate the transport for his contact. At any rate, unless he doesn’t care about the DC and is happy to wave you all off into the sunset, you’re looking at costly legal fees and a lot of animosity if you go that route.

Or, you can focus on how to best co-parent your children and think for example about cheaper areas of the south east you could move to which will enable you both to be in the children’s lives and for you to perhaps buy an affordable home of your own.

Runaround50 · 11/08/2022 16:13

How about you move out with the kids and rent a property closer to your family? He can visit the kids and you are free of him.
Then get a job to give you an income and sort your life out?

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/08/2022 16:22

And I’m speaking from some experience. When it became clear my last relationship was over, I railed against selling our home that I loved for months. It didn’t seem fair that I should have to leave when I hadn’t done anything wrong. But I couldn’t afford to take the house on at that point and ultimately it would have just prolonged the misery for both of us if I’d dug my heels in - and also ultimately it would have led to legal action.

Seven years on and my life is good. We sold the house, I moved away from the area. I live a completely different sort of life. I’m glad that we were able to negotiate the separation like adults, albeit through gritted teeth sometimes (and I’m sure on his side as much as mine with much venting to friends about it along the way.) I don’t regret it and it’s very much worked out for the best.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2022 16:25

People are laying out the options available to you and you’re not listening. He’s not going to agree to leave you in a house he owns half of, pay the mortgage so he can’t buy anything else and stay at his mum’s. Why on Earth worth he. Or anyone.

You can use your half of the equity for rent and claim maintenance and any benefits you’re entitled to. You can’t kick him out of house anymore than he can kick you out of yours. You can’t move far away with the kids unless he agrees.

You need to be practical. Once you’ve separated he’s obliged to support the kids with maintenance but he’s not obliged to support you.

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/08/2022 16:28

I feel your pain but you can't expect him to move out just because you want him too, it's his home. You also can't expect him to subsidise your housing because you want to split up and not disrupt the children. Disruption is inevitable.