He refuses to go!

[Isittrueornot]

He just won’t leave! I’m going to be screwed!

Not married (yes I know I’m stupid, I’ll be ensuring my daughters done make the same mistake)! My income is very low and I can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my own so will need to look for a job when the kids go back to school in a month and just coast into debt until then. I’m terrified!!

It’s joint mortgage, he won’t leave. He has family close by who he can go stay with but refuses too. My family are 200 miles away and with the kids school here isn’t a option. My family don’t have room for us to stay but his does as they are well off with a big childhood home.

If we sell the house I’ll have 100k which isn’t enough to house me and 2 kids, I can’t get the mortgage as my income is so low it’s pathetic, I’m on such a low wage.

He just wants to stay as I’m trapped here and given enough time he thinks we will just end up back together as we live together, that’s why he won’t leave. I’m trapped here and 12 years until the youngest is 18 and I don’t want to live with an ex for 12 years because I can’t afford to live alone!!!

Please someone tell me what to do. How can I ensure a secure place to live for me and the kids here so they can attend their current schools!! South east london so you get the gist of my housing problem-no one is even getting a garage for 100k around here let alone a flat/small house. Please tell me what to do!!

If parents can’t agree child contact between them then yes, it would be taken to court. In most cases the court views it as being in the best interests of the children to have an equal relationship with both their parents. You buying a house likely wont be seen as a reason to deprive the children of their father. Typically, if one parent wants to move the children away from the other this will either be prevented or, if an argument is made that it’s in the children’s interest to be moved for e.g. family support for the RP then it’s generally ordered that the RP travel to facilitate the contact.

You haven’t answered why you think your boyfriend would allow you to move his kids far away? Why it’s ok for you to remove them, but not for him to remove them from you? The only reason you’ve said is ‘I’m their mother’-so?

Or addressed the fact that it’s the parent who moves away that delivers the kids the whole way to the other parent for contact. That will be your choice you’re opting in to if you move the kids far away.

Being unmarried is irrelevant to child access. You should know this, surely?

Well no, you aren't allowed to just up & leave with your kids to move far away because you have no "choice". That's not how it works.

It's not a good look that you seem to not know this basic fact & also seem to want the house & to stay there, even though you can't afford to.

You're not being realistic or reasonable in either regard here, OP.

If you have to YOU can move away, but you have no right to take his children away from him.

Being married has nothing to do with your rights in this regard. The law relates to the child's rights to have a meaningful relationship with their father.

If you can get him to allow you to leave with the children, that will be a bigger win than being stuck in a city you can't afford.

Otherwise it sounds like you're going to have to let him be the full time parent for awhile, hopefully for you he gets sick of the responsibility & foists them back on you.

You need legal advice to set you straight & advise of your options asap.

& it does seem like you apparently feel that your role as a mother is more important & should give you more rights in the eyes of the law.

It doesn't & the sooner you realise what you can & can't do, the better decisions you will be able to make for yourself.

Right now you are living in fairyland & fucking yourself over by wasting time dreaming of options that aren't based in reality.

Yes we would agree our own terms for child care so I’m not worried about that. He works nights and on a 4 on 4 off so it’s very complicated so wouldn’t be able to have them when they have school but will want them during the holidays and things for his connivence and I agree to that.

so to be clear, even if I moved far away as long as his happy with the child contact then he can’t force me not to move away?

Why should he go to his mums?

Why would she suddenly want her grown son and children to decend on her 50% of the time.

He hasn't agreed to it though has he.

You basically want to restrict him to only seeing him on school holidays.

How would you feel if that was you

He can't force you to stay at all. It's about the children rather than you. And, as I understand it, you are looking at it the wrong way round. He wouldn't be forcing the children to stay. Staying is the default. You need to get permission to move them, either from him or a court. But I can see the difficulties financially. I think your best bet is to consult a good family lawyer on the options in your specific case.

Firstly she loves her son very much and would be more than happy for all her adult kids to return home bless her. She is very lovely and unfortunately lost her life partner who she had been with since 16 years old (his dad) a while ago so lives alone in the family home. He would also have to go stay there as even with 100k he wouldn’t be able to buy a place near by until he saved more money because it’s so expensive here, but luckily she would welcome him with open arms anyway but that would be his only option until he could get back on his feet as it’s south london.

He will be happy with that as he can’t work a 12 hour shift and then watch kids all day and then go back to another 12 hour shift so that would be what he would want!!

@Isittrueornot "so to be clear, even if I moved far away as long as his happy with the child contact then he can’t force me not to move away?"

He can force you to not move his kids far away whether or not he is happy with the child contact.

Not sure how to make this clearer - you have zero right to take his children far away without his permission.

This is because parents don't have rights - children have rights - parents have responsibilities. This is how the law works.

Whatever notions you have that you can pack them up & move to your family without his consent (or elsewhere else far away) should be squashed.

So you need to start being smart, educating yourself & learning how to work your situation to get the best outcome for you.

If you can get him to consent to allow you guys to go & he will have them for the holidays, then pack your bags & get out as quickly as you can, so you can establish yourself elsewhere before he changes his mind.

You're kinda missing the point.
Why would he ever leave his children? You don't want to leave them, why should he?
You are equally the parents of your dc
You state he's a genuinely good father, good fathers don't want to leave their children anymore than good mothers do.
You're being unrealistic, why do you think you get to live in the house you both own and he moves back in with his parents, it's his house too plus you want him to continue paying the bills?
That's not the way life works, you split up, you're both entitled to a share of the house and you both have to house yourselves, if you can't afford to house your dc you don't issue threats to move your DC 200 miles away from their "good father".
It doesn't matter what he's done to you, the children come first, you don't hurt your DC by taking them away from their father.
Let's be honest, you just want to punish him and are prepared to use your DC to obtain your end goal which is to maintain your lifestyle at his expense.
You need to do what countless other woman have done, take your share, get a job and house your DC and if you can't or won't do that you leave the DC with him.

So in theory, he and the kids could move back in with his Mum, she could help with childcare while he is working, and you could either buy somewhere father away or rent somewhere smaller locally?

Thanks @GeriSignfeld you explained that well and I understand it now. I’ve got so much I’m going to have to look into!

It’s like talking to a brick wall.

He could apply for a prohibitive steps order to keep the DC near him but if you are staying in England and he can only have them during the school holidays and occasional weekends are you are willing to facilitate that by sharing or doing the traveling I don't think a judge would uphold it.

Sorry @Spohn its hard to rely to everyone.
To buy a property to ensure me and the kids are always housed (and not renting) I would need to move out as I’m currently in south east london. I’d have to go pretty far as I’d only have 100k but if he was to agree to it and give me the option to buy a house for our children then I’d happily drive ten thousand miles to bring the kids back to see him. I just want to be free of him and not in a relationship with him anymore, that’s simply all I want and if I have to loose everything except my kids to do it then I’ll pay that price

OP, what sort of business do you have?

A wedding one, hence why it took such a bettering when covid hit because no one was getting married. Hopefully things will be on the up again now fingers crossed!!

If you can’t afford the house going forward, there is no point trying to hold on to it. It’s a common mistake when separating. You and the children may be better off renting somewhere.

He's leaving you no choice really...so B.

Would you be happy only seeing you children in holidays? No thought not.

To buy a property to ensure me and the kids are always housed (and not renting

Courts would see renting as housed. How do you think those that don't have the money to buy manage.

Rude!! He can see the kids more than just the holidays if he wants too, but he will never give up his night work job, that’s his choice, not mine!! Thanks.