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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm having an affair

250 replies

LittleMsConfused · 10/08/2022 17:37

Never ever thought I'd be in this boat.

I've always been the goody-two-shoes. Dependable. Looks after everyone. Plays by the rules.

Relationship has been pretty unhappy for a pretty long time. We've been married 10 years, together 15. Two primary aged kids. One with significant SEN.

I've known I've not been happy for a while - but due to husband's mental health couldn't tell him. Then I found him texting his ex explicit stuff. We had marriage counselling - I realised then that I'm not in love with him. It feels more like a friendship. I shared this with the counsellor privately and she assured me I could get those feelings back.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.

Then I met new guy. He's in the same boat in his marriage. . We shared contact details as we both understood how we were feeling - He lives quite far away so it felt safe. It became flirty. Now we video chat. It's not PG...

Conversation has now moved on to talking about meeting and I realise how far down the rabbit hole I am.

I know I'm a massive bitch... I feel totally trapped in my marriage. Totally trapped as a mum. New guy makes me feel amazing.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:10

The financial pressures would be massive. We would need to sell the family home and buy two smaller ones.

With respect, that's completely standard in divorce.

You would be very fortunate to be able to do this - many couples cannot & one / both may have to rent.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:12

Yes, we hug, hold hands, snuggle on the sofa, cuddle in bed (when the weather isn’t baking at least!)

That's so odd.
I actually find this quite wrong - you are giving out one set of signals, while carrying on an emotional affair which shows signs of becoming physical.

I appreciate he did this too.

But this is about you, and that's a really deceitful way to behave & while I wasn't judging till now, I do judge this.

Cornflakegirll · 11/08/2022 09:16

thedancingbear · 11/08/2022 08:13

MN at its best.

man has affair = man’s fault
woman has affair = man’s fault

always makes for interesting and instructive reading

Absolutely! This thread is fascinating.

‘No judgement’ ‘just escapism ‘not black and white’

Until it’s their husbands offering their sexual and emotional services as ‘balm’ to some woman’s decision to not leave her crappy marriage!

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:16

But this? I feel no guilt at all. None. I know I should feel terrible, I shouldn’t be able to look my husband in the eye, wracked with guilt… but I just don’t.

I don't know why you don't based on your later posts about how much you like / love your DH.

However it's immaterial. You may not feel guilt but intellectually you are perfectly capable of knowing you are behaving badly, breaking your commitment to your H, and letting your DC down

If you are not happy, you clearly make the decision & communicate it to your H. Then you plan how to support & care for your DC

It's quite unbelievable that you believe you love this man & are there for your kids with this behaviour.

Other posters are right in this case - a man posting this would be eviscerated.

ArcticSkewer · 11/08/2022 09:18

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:12

Yes, we hug, hold hands, snuggle on the sofa, cuddle in bed (when the weather isn’t baking at least!)

That's so odd.
I actually find this quite wrong - you are giving out one set of signals, while carrying on an emotional affair which shows signs of becoming physical.

I appreciate he did this too.

But this is about you, and that's a really deceitful way to behave & while I wasn't judging till now, I do judge this.

You may find it odd. That doesn't make it wrong.

Some posters just need things to look black and white, good bad, functional dysfunctional, or it is too confusing for them.

It's perfectly possible to live this way, and many people do. The affair is often the release valve.

Why everyone wants to push op into single parenting children with SEN in a smaller property I have no idea. If she wants to do that, she can. If the relationship plus affair works for now, also fine

blueberry2105 · 11/08/2022 09:24

I had an affair and ended up happier with the new man, I had a 13yr relationship with my ex things felt stale. We were good friends and nothing else. When I finally told him I didn't love him and tried to leave he threatened suicide and would get upset all the time.

Covid happened and I was trapped in a house with him for almost 2yrs it was so hard and he was at this point aware I was seeing another man and he started seeing another woman 6 months later. I don't know how this actually affected him but I do know he didn't love me. He was addicted to porn our whole relationship, he had chatted with girls on tinder, he had a weird relationship with a woman in Brazil in which he even learnt another language for her and told me it was to talk to the new cleaners in his job.

He also met me through cheating on his fiancée who he told me at the time he wasn't with anymore. Which was all lies!

Affairs are nasty. It's better to be honest from the start but we all know affairs don't usually mean to happen until you're into deep you get caught up. I think my affair was for comfort to feel loved and attractive but I fell in love with him and it showed me just how much I was missing in my own relationship.

I will probably get hate for this post but how many people can actually say they haven't crossed the line in a relationship at some point? It's not nice and you wouldn't want it to happen to you but unfortunately we are all human and make mistakes and we emotionally get sucked into these traps of hurting someone without wanting to hurt them.

Do not let your partner black mail you with suicide, if he needs help he can get that. My ex said it every time we argued and 6 months later he had someone else and I wasn't a priority so what does that say. You only get one life don't waste it trying to make everyone else happy when you're miserable

Cornflakegirll · 11/08/2022 09:25

‘If she wants to do that, she can. If the relationship plus affair works for now, also fine’

Fascinated as to why the needs of this women trumps the emotional, mental, physical and sexual health of HIS WIFE! How is that ok?

Affairs pass pain on, and this woman is just collateral damage?

Cheminaufaules · 11/08/2022 09:28

Think not in terms of labelling people as good or bad. Think about labelling actions as good or bad. @LittleMsConfused you are having an affair with a married man. This is a very bad action. Why don't you cease all contact until you are divorced from your husband, and your affair 'partner' is divorced from his wife?

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:41

If the relationship plus affair works for now, also fine

FFS.

It undoubtedly wouldn't 'work' for her DH.

I think my characterisation of her contradictory behaviour as 'odd' is quite a standard reaction.

For most people, demonstrations of love & being happy with the person indicate a loving relationship. Not one where you cheat on your partner & are crystal clear you don't want to be with them but won't take action.

I know there's an illusion that marriages like this exist more commonly - I think it's just that, an illusion.

LooseGoose22 · 11/08/2022 09:42

Bit rich that he's actually had an emotional affair himself, and slagged you off to the ow, but he's for killing himself if you leave him!

I wouldn't be able to help myself reminding him of all the things he said about me if he started up with the implied suicide threats when I said I was separating from him.

He sounds verging on abusive. (Or maybe not even verging on). No wonder you're looking for escapism etc. No wonder your loyalty to him is gone.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:44

LooseGoose22 · 11/08/2022 09:42

Bit rich that he's actually had an emotional affair himself, and slagged you off to the ow, but he's for killing himself if you leave him!

I wouldn't be able to help myself reminding him of all the things he said about me if he started up with the implied suicide threats when I said I was separating from him.

He sounds verging on abusive. (Or maybe not even verging on). No wonder you're looking for escapism etc. No wonder your loyalty to him is gone.

So then she leaves him.

She's cuddling with him, holding hands & very happy.

See also having an affair.

There are 2 DC at the heart of this. She shows mo signs of leaving him, citing the financial 'hardship' she'd experience.

Annabananna1 · 11/08/2022 09:46

@blueberry2105
Insightful post. Thanks for sharing

LooseGoose22 · 11/08/2022 09:48

Do not let your partner black mail you with suicide, if he needs help he can get that. My ex said it every time we argued and 6 months later he had someone else and I wasn't a priority so what does that say.

Plus this.

These men are often "suicidal" and devastated... when they haven't got another solid option lined up. When they do, they are fine.

Men also tend to do the short term wailing, hair tearing, i'll hurt myself, extreme stuff at first/in the very short term but then get over things and move on with an indifference rarely seen in women.

Runwalkskijump · 11/08/2022 09:49

If the relationship plus affair works for now, also fine

Pretty sure it wouldn't be 'fine' if her sorded affair partners, wife and her DH found out.

People should own their behaviour, not try and justify shitty actions.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:50

Runwalkskijump · 11/08/2022 09:49

If the relationship plus affair works for now, also fine

Pretty sure it wouldn't be 'fine' if her sorded affair partners, wife and her DH found out.

People should own their behaviour, not try and justify shitty actions.

👏👏👏

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:51

move on with an indifference rarely seen in women.

Other than this poster, a woman who is indifferent to the reality & effect of her actions?

LooseGoose22 · 11/08/2022 09:51

The only person person feel sorry for is your affair partner's partner.

It's not right on her.

Don't be a shit towards her, she's presumably done nothing to you.

As for your partner, you'll have to decide of you can can past his behaviour and want to stay with him, as manipulative, selfish and disloyal as he is .... this affair is a temporary "fix", that's all. And it's not even a fix. It's just a distraction.

Cheminaufaules · 11/08/2022 09:51

What has the AP actually said about his own marriage?

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:52

LooseGoose22 · 11/08/2022 09:51

The only person person feel sorry for is your affair partner's partner.

It's not right on her.

Don't be a shit towards her, she's presumably done nothing to you.

As for your partner, you'll have to decide of you can can past his behaviour and want to stay with him, as manipulative, selfish and disloyal as he is .... this affair is a temporary "fix", that's all. And it's not even a fix. It's just a distraction.

True.

But please bear in mind OP's behaviour is also disloyal & manipulative - she is giving her H every indication she's happy with him at present, whatever about the past, while having an affair with a married man.

Original poster
LittleMsConfused · 11/08/2022 09:53

thedancingbear · 11/08/2022 08:13

MN at its best.

man has affair = man’s fault
woman has affair = man’s fault

always makes for interesting and instructive reading

Funnily enough when I discovered my husband's affair he blamed it on me for being 'distant' (I know this is unhelpful detail but at the time we were in covid lockdown, I was working full time and caring for his terminally ill mother - on top of all the usual family stress - I was f*cking exhausted).

So his affair = my fault (I still think he believes this - although he has the good sense to no longer vocalise this)
My affair = definitely my fault. I don't blame him or anyone else.

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 11/08/2022 09:53

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2022 09:51

move on with an indifference rarely seen in women.

Other than this poster, a woman who is indifferent to the reality & effect of her actions?

Im referring to moving on, thats all.

LooseGoose22 · 11/08/2022 09:56

Funnily enough when I discovered my husband's affair he blamed it on me for being 'distant'

Excuses, Excuses.

And the distant, disconnected, not focusing on me, not jolly 24 7 etc excuse is older than the pyramids.

There are many ways he could've raised and tried to resolve the distance .... but instead he seated and slagged you off to his ex.

He did because he wanted to.

He's emotionally blackmailec you, in worst possible way, to stay ... he's not a v nice person.

Original poster
LittleMsConfused · 11/08/2022 09:59

LooseGoose22 · 11/08/2022 09:51

The only person person feel sorry for is your affair partner's partner.

It's not right on her.

Don't be a shit towards her, she's presumably done nothing to you.

As for your partner, you'll have to decide of you can can past his behaviour and want to stay with him, as manipulative, selfish and disloyal as he is .... this affair is a temporary "fix", that's all. And it's not even a fix. It's just a distraction.

This is who I really do feel guilty about.

Thinking about what my husband had said about me to his other woman during his affair, it bore very little resemblance to my experience of our relationship at the time.

I guess I believed him as the things he was saying about how unhappy he was chimed exactly with how I feel - I feel like it would be really difficult to fake that? Whether she knows how unhappy he is I don't know.

But yes, I do feel bad that she would be extremely upset if she found out about this.

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 11/08/2022 09:59

she is giving her H every indication she's happy with him at present, whatever about the past

Where do you get that impression?

OP's behaviour is also disloyal & manipulative

What goes around, comes around.

The only innocent party here I'd ops affair partner's wife - she doesn't deserve this. Op, stop or find an unattached man for your escapism, there are plenty of them out there.

Nunckybunchchuck · 11/08/2022 10:01

@LittleMsConfused you saying the wife would be extremely upset if she found out is you minimising. The wife would probably be devastated.
You are falling for his lines. Be better than that.