I'm having an affair

[LittleMsConfused]

Never ever thought I'd be in this boat.

I've always been the goody-two-shoes. Dependable. Looks after everyone. Plays by the rules.

Relationship has been pretty unhappy for a pretty long time. We've been married 10 years, together 15. Two primary aged kids. One with significant SEN.

I've known I've not been happy for a while - but due to husband's mental health couldn't tell him. Then I found him texting his ex explicit stuff. We had marriage counselling - I realised then that I'm not in love with him. It feels more like a friendship. I shared this with the counsellor privately and she assured me I could get those feelings back.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband due to the children. I did raise it with him about 6 months ago and he completely broke - threatened suicide, the whole lot.

Then I met new guy. He's in the same boat in his marriage. . We shared contact details as we both understood how we were feeling - He lives quite far away so it felt safe. It became flirty. Now we video chat. It's not PG...

Conversation has now moved on to talking about meeting and I realise how far down the rabbit hole I am.

I know I'm a massive bitch... I feel totally trapped in my marriage. Totally trapped as a mum. New guy makes me feel amazing.

Is it possible for a good person to have an affair?

@LittleMsConfused men fake all the time. He could easily tell you a tale about how unhappy is he is, then go home to the marital bed. You're sounding very naive.

Actually, when I said I only felt sorry for your affair partner's wife/partner, that's not true .. I feel sorry for you too op.

Your hs behaviour is a huge betrayal, esp in the circumstances, and he's he's the worst type of manipulation... blaming you, threatening to harm himself to get you to stay.

But, you're involving an innocent woman in your escapism ... and that's not right.

You need to end the emotional affair asap, regardless of your decisions about your relationship.

Well if you feel duty bound not to upset his mental health then I suppose you stay with him until he dies?

Either way, end the affair. A good person doesn't threaten someone else's home life like that, and who knows how much truth there is in what he's told you about their marriage. If your DH finds out he may well hold it over you forever. How would you feel if your kids found out? End it, end it, end it. Nothing good will come of it.

And then your real choice is if you stay in an unhappy marriage or divorce.

I guess I believed him as the things he was saying about how unhappy he was chimed exactly with how I feel - I feel like it would be really difficult to fake that?

Difficult to fake being unhappy in your marriage to the person you're having an affair with and planning to shag?

Why on earth do you think that would be difficult? Especially for someone you know already is a liar as he's having an affair.

Saying you're as unhappy as the other person is a way of reducing your guilt and painting yourself as a victim in the situation. Maybe he's doing that too.

And how you're feeling isn't that unusual or hard to understand that someone couldn't fake it.

It might even be conscious mirroring. Here you go:

In therapy, the word represents a positive technique. It’s when a therapist uses the same language and displays the same emotional response as their client to show they’re actively listening.
But the other definition of “mirroring” — the one we’re talking about here — is much more serious, scary, and harmful. It’s when someone gives tons of affection and empathy, acting like they’re passionate about what you’re passionate about, to improve your connection and make it seem deeper than it is.
While this may sound understandable or somewhat innocent at first, the reasoning behind it is what’s problematic. People sometimes mirror others — especially those who are emotionally vulnerable — to get their guard down.

Strike throughs not mine but from the website!

@LittleMsConfused ‘But yes, I do feel bad that she would be extremely upset if she found out about this.’

Minimising.

infidelity is a trauma that can lead to PTSD some of the symptoms are mind movies, hypervigilance, anxiety and panic attacks, significant weight loss and suicidal tendencies (amongst many others).

No woman should be collateral damage to another’s ‘needs’ being met.

He's made clear he would harm himself if I left.

So did my ex. He also said he'd never let me have custody of our child and would rather burn the house down than see me get a penny.

Six years later he's shacked up in rented accommodation with the first woman who would have him off Tinder. I got 55% of the equity in the marital home and now own my own place and I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times our child has even stayed with him overnight, although they do speak neatly every day, see each other regularly and have a generally positive relationship.

As for the affair. Look, you know it's not technically the 'right' thing to do, but sometimes life throws an inordinate amount of shit our way and the only way to survive is to cling whatever coping mechanism comes our way.

My main concern for you is that your life sounds challenging enough and whilst this situation is escapism now, it stands a good chance of making your life much more difficult and unhappy in the long run.

I think the best possible advice would be for you try and put other forms of escapism in place, ways to meet new people platonically, increased support with your child with SEN if you feel it's needed.

And once you're in a more positive place, make a decision about the future of your marriage.

If she wants to do that, she can. If the relationship plus affair works for now, also fine

No, it's it's fine ... because she's harming an innocent party, her ap's wife.

If she wants to find a single man as the escape valve ... that's another story.

Still not a sustainable situation though. Her h will prob find out sooner or later and their marriage will vrrak down anyway.

MintyCedricRidesAgain

🙌

I'm not sure about this. We haven't really gone into too much detail about our relationships, except for the first night we met - and I don't doubt he was planning to shag me then! It felt like an honest conversation which he was leading (for example I remember me saying 'me too' a lot, rather than the details coming from me).

We did feel a bit of a connection, but in my head I dismissed it as beer goggles. We swapped contact details because it felt good to talk with someone who understood, and as he's so far away it seemed safe. But in reality we talk little about our relationships - feels like escapism for us both.

The person who said a nan would get eviscerated if he posted this .... no, if a man posted hos wife had had an emotional etc affair in the circumstances op describes, blamed him, threatened suicide if he left etc and now he was having an emotional affair .. I'd say exactly the same things.

She's disloyal and manipulative.

What he's doing is not a fix.

What he's doing is deeply immoral towards his apps husband, the innocent party.

If you found yourself saying 'me too' a lot then he's definitely got a script. He's probably done this lots of times before. He knows what buttons to press. I expect he said that he 'loves' his wife but not in love with her, and looked sort of sad, did he?

Op, your affair partner's circumstances ard probably those of a significant percentage or people in long-term marriages and partnerships. They happen to coincode with yours because du h situations are very common.

Boredom, stateless, lack of spark, lack of lust, the drudgery & responsibility of every day life and kids, the tensions, abrasions etc of sharing your life and space with another person 24 7, feeling like a spousal unit or parental unit instead of a person to them. Its just human experience, nothing special.
There are a million people who feel similar and have, or haven't acted on it.

He can leave if he"s unhappy enough or thinks its worth it... he hasn't and very likely won't- unless she finds put and throws him out.

In the meantime he's a cheat. That's all

*staleness

But is it worth 12-18 months of chaos because I feel a bit unfulfilled??? Especially at a time when our SEN child needs consistency (her needs are currently so significant that we were very much at risk of permanent exclusion from school).

Playing devil's advocate here...

You divorce now while your children are still in primary school...18 months of shit show (let's be honest), but they are still very much children and you are able to have a significant amount of input into/control over their lives.

Or you leave it a few years and it all implodes spectacularly when your older child is in her teens, going through puberty as well as coping with her SEN, the impact on her education and long term prosects potentially much more significant and at an age when as a parent it's much, much harder to manage.

I think if you know it's not going to work out then biting the bullet is something you definitely need to consider sooner rather than later.

And the fact he didn't have to be drawn out, over a long time period etc ... he shouldn't have been sharing that stuff, even drunk, with another woman, and you know it. He was casting out lures, grooming you etc. No-one loyal is spouting that shit to other women. And uts no coincidence that down the line, you're in a sexual relationship with him (even if it's not physical).

Oh Gawwwwd... it was worse than that, he was talking about the way his parents were so obviously in love and he doesn't feel like he'll ever look at his wife the way his dad looked at his mum (my parents absolutely do not have this relationship so I was a bit taken a back). But yes, lots of "I don't feel loved/wanted/etc" same sort of shite my husband was saying to his other woman.

Shit... I've been had, haven't I?

You need to divorce

This. People who threaten to kill themselves if you leave never do and it also gives you a reason to not do what you need to do. Don't hid behind that because it's wrong. Get a grip and take control of your life. You don't want to be in this marriage so you need to leave. You can make all the excuses under the sun but it will keep comiNg back to you need to leave.

You've heard what you wanted to hear @LittleMsConfused and yes you've been had but you shouldn't beat yourself up about that.
Lonely and unhappy people fool themselves about situations. You must have felt lonely and unhappy after your partner cheated on you.
This other man is not the answer. You are the answer.

Oh Gawwwwd... it was worse than that, he was talking about the way his parents were so obviously in love and he doesn't feel like he'll ever look at his wife the way his dad looked at his mum (my parents absolutely do not have this relationship so I was a bit taken a back). But yes, lots of "I don't feel loved/wanted/etc" same sort of shite my husband was saying to his other woman.

Shit... I've been had, haven't I?

Yep.

People are not just good or bad, they are complex & having an affair doesn't immediately put you on Santa/god's bad list. Haven't read all the reply's but just wanted to say shit happens and instead of focusing on your morality just try and do the best thing going forward. My personal choice would be - dump sex vid guy, divorce husband, start over with kids and a dog.

Exactly!

My husband told other woman all sorts of stuff....including our 25yr marriage was dead, we hadn't had a sex life for years, I was controlling, not interested in him etc etc - (all news to me). He has since admitted he was giving her the script as totally infatuated and wanting to get his leg over. Apparently she was busy mirroring him, stroking his ego and poisoning him with psycho babble against me.

OP, marriages go through many seasons and ups and downs especially during child rearing years. It is hard, so hard at times. You have got past the infatuation stage with DH and appear to have some real mature love for each other. Yes, neither of you have behaved respectfully or perfectly but will the grass really be greener on the other side for either of you?

You have been hurt by your DH's affair. Could it be you hold resentment that you are carrying so much of the load in your marriage + family life and also resentment from his affair? Did you feel like this BEFORE his affair? Has he shown remorse for his actions?

If you are friends, laugh together and parent well, surely you could both consider counselling (insist as a prerequisite to staying in the marriage) and see where you go from there. As you have said now is not the time due to issues with your DC and financially with a recession starting to be splitting. Can you get to the root of DH's depression as this may help? Why don't you both sit down and talk frankly to each other and try to reconnect.

Oh op. You used exactly the same phrase about your husband. Were you cynically reciting a script when you said you love him but you're not 'in love' with him? It's just the human condition. Romantic love is one type of love, there are many others. You are no more being played than you are playing him, if saying the old 'love but not in love' line is a script.

Exactly this.