Is it really so much to ask?

[PileOfTowels]

I'm nearly 50.

I've never had a relationship last more than a few months because I won't tie myself up in knots trying to make myself OK with a man who doesn't make me happy.

I've been with someone for nearly a year - so he's lasted a longer than any of the others! - but I'm fast moving to the point of needing to end it because I don't feel 100% valued and respected. I'm going to speak with him when I see him next.

Is it me? Do I expect too much? Do other women tolerate much more? Where am I going wrong?

I know a relationship isn't the be all and end all but the vast majority people have at least one successful relationship behind them by my age.

I think some people love being in a couple and are prepared to make sacrifices and compromises to make relationships work and for others they are really happier on their own. Neither is right or wrong.

It depends what you're seeing as 'not 100% valued and respected' really, what has he done/not done to make you feel that?

I’m married and I tolerate stuff because I’m legally binded to him, and to divorce would cost money and be upsetting for all.
Good on your for not getting trapped, and for living life your way.

I've never had a relationship last more than a few months because I won't tie myself up in knots trying to make myself OK with a man who doesn't make me happy.

This isn't a failure or a problem, it should be an inspiration.

At 30 I was in your situation and was happy for it to last indefinitely. Meeting DP was more down to luck than anything else.

I have never understood people for whom it's more important to be in A Couple than the person they're in a couple with.

Actually OP l think it is a shame there aren't more people like you.
I am all for a bit of compromise but not to tue point where you make yourself miserable.

Can you give some examples it’s all a bit vague.
DH gets on my nerves sometimes and I’m sure I do his, but I still want to be married to him.
All relationships involve some compromise, you sound like you have very strict ‘rules’ and anyone who doesn’t comply immediately is out of the door.

It is quite unusual but hard to comment on whether you are expecting too much because you don’t say what it is you are expecting and you don’t say what you mean by “tying yourself in knots” and “not feeling valued and respected”?

And why do you ask if “other women” tolerate much more? Why not “other people”. Because your question suggests you think all women are perfect and men are the only ones with flaws which the women have to decide to accept or maybe not.

When my husband does something that annoys me, I do sometimes remind myself of all the good things he does and the things that might annoy him about me.

It’s does sound a bit like this ^^ , I think there has to be compromises in relationships if want them to last or else it’s just next, next, next,

I'm happy to compromise, of course I am.

Things I've dumped men for over the years

Being an alcoholic
Being hyper critical of me - eg not dressing sexily enough, having too much to say for myself, not 'womaning' correctly
Refusing to be seen out with me in his village (turned out there was an 'ex' he didn't want to see me)
Hitting on my friends
Trying to push me down the stairs
Cheating on me
Being compleyely unreliable
Just becoming someone different once a few months had passed
Lack of integrity

I've pretty much always lived alone and nowadays my tolerance for crap behaviour is even less than it was. when I was younger, I'd give chances, make excuses, provide explanations for crap behaviour. Nowadays, I might give the benefit of the doubt once but they then go on to prove me wrong for doing so.

I'm just feeling really despondent at the moment because I really thought with this latest man, I'd finally found someone decent. And he is, in the main.

I've known him for a few years. He says all the right things but I'm uncertain about his integrity and that's hugely important to me.

I've just had enough. I'm not sure I want to put myself through it anymore or even try again. What is the point?

Is it me? Do I expect too much? Do other women tolerate much more? Where am I going wrong

It's not you. Many more people are in the same position you're in than you know about. I was one of them, and then met someone lovely. Don't give up on what you want, and don't lower your bar, otherwise you won't get what you want.

What made you question his integrity? I'm surprised nothing showed until a year. My only error in my previous relationships had been to stay too long where I wasn't happy. Could you have done that? I spent most of my life either in a short relationship, or recovering from one. Has that been a pattern for you?

I don't date. I tried online dating years ago but didn't get past the first date with most for various reasons.

Most of the men I've dated are ones I thought were pretty decent but turned out not to be. Men I've met through hobbies, friends, got to know over a period of time socially first.

I don't jump from one bloke to the next and am always single for a good period of time between them because I have to get to know them a bit first.

But then they start overstepping boundaries, and its all downhill from there.

I want to be with someone who enhances my life (as I would hope to do theirs) not someone who causes me hurt, worry or anxiety.

If your mine criteria is integrity, that’s something we’re running short on in this age. An earlier century might have suited better. I have yet to meet a partner that doesn’t tell big lies, contradicts themselves for their own advantage, and is trustworthy in every way.

”My word is my bond” seems to be a long forgotten concept. Perhaps this sort of thing exists in small communities around the world somewhere.

If you do not operate that way, you will find those behaviours very difficult.

Very few of us can be held to those standards. Are you certain you are all of the things you expect of a partner? If so, you have every right to expect similar.

What made you question his integrity? I'm surprised nothing showed until a year.

A woman we both know started making a play for him quite obviously. It was commented on by other people. He didn't ever encourage it but he didn't shut it down definitively enough because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. In the end, she confronted me directly about why we were ignoring her and I had to tell her why. He says he will always have my back but he didn't on this and I had to deal with something that was unpleasant and has had repercussions for me socially and that was, essentially, nothing to do with me. She contacted him about it and he ignored her so still hasn't actually dealt with it.

We've all been invited to something next week and I can't really make it. I could but it will take some rearranging of things on my part. I realised yesterday that I feel quite anxious about going. Partly because I don't want to spend the evening with her and partly because I'm only going because I feel the need to be there to 'police' her behaviour and his reaction to it. Because I don't trust him to have my back.

Very few of us can be held to those standards. Are you certain you are all of the things you expect of a partner? If so, you have every right to expect similar.

I wouldn't expect anything of anyone else that I wouldn't be prepared to commit to myself.

It makes me very uncomfortable to lie. I respect my friends and boyfriend and so I need to be honest. It would weigh heavily on my mind to feel that I hadn't behaved with integrity.

I just switch off to people the minute I don't feel they're honest or trustworthy.

I admire your conviction and your boundaries, but this is (to me, anyway) something so minor as to make ending an otherwise good year-long relationship over it very strange.

Lots of the other things you listed were excellent reasons to end a relationship, and you can end it for any reason you want - but this is something that is surely a conversation between you, rather than damning proof of his lack of integrity that makes the relationship end?

He felt awkward about shutting her down - lots of people might feel the same. He should have, but it wasn't like he was encouraging her - many people have trouble with doing something they feel might be cruel/embarrass someone/having an awkward conversation. Tell him you feel he didn't he handled it well and that you'd have preferred him to shut it down himself so you weren't put in the position of having to do it for him, and then move forward, surely? I'm not sure why you would feel the need to 'police' his behaviour at a party when he's shown no indication of behaving badly, just perhaps being a bit scared to tell her to sod off.

No person is ever going to be perfect with no foibles or quirks or personality traits that perfectly match your own views and moral standards. Nobody should settle for someone bad or who is very off-base from their own standards, but this seems like a slight personality difference rather than a huge moral failing or lack of integrity.

Maybe I expect too much but I don't see how I could accept any less.

Surely she realised she was being rejected, though, otherwise she wouldn't have opened the conversation about it?

What would you have preferred him to do?

housemaus

The problem is that I feel she was disrespectful to both of us in what she did. He doesn't, he just thinks she's a bit pathetic. I see him as being complicit in the disrespectful by not shutting it down.

Life is full of choices. Not all of them are easy and I want someone who will make difficult choices on occasion and not just the easy ones.

I understand why he felt awkward. I do.

But it's now left us here.

I know 'police' sounds strong but we agreed between us that the way we would handle it is just to ignore her. There are plenty of other people in the group to talk to. I don't think he is 100% comfortable with that. I think he is waiting for me to 'forget' or soften and move on. I think he thinks I'll relent eventually and so it didn't feel like a big thing to him. I don't think he understands my capacity for cutting people out of my life who have no place in it. I think that, when I am not there, he will 'forget' about out agreement.

I'd have preferred him to speak to him herself and tell her that her attentions were unwelcome and that he wasn't interested. I'd have preferred him to show her that he and I are a 'team' rather than letting it get to the point where I had to say something because she asked me.

And I would definitely prefer that, having had those conversations, he stuck by everything that was said.

I no longer put up with people’s crap either. Unfortunately that means I’ve got no friends !

The reasons you ended previous relationships sound really reasonable. This one, not so much, unless there's more to it than you say. It doesn't sound like a lack of integrity, more like being a bit passive.

I might be totally off the mark here but I wonder if he's getting a bit of the blame for those other guys that really did let you down. Have you really sat down and talked to him about how it made you feel? I'm not sure I'd dump this guy without trying at least to see if you're both prepared to work on the relationship a bit more.

Speak to her himself. Obviously.

I have very few friends too. I'm not putting up with crap. I have sorted a nice, quiet, drama free life for myself. I don't want anyone around who disturbs my peace or brings discomfort.

The friends I have are lovely people though.

I think this is why I have delayed ending it and had such a strong reaction to it.

There isn't really anything else. A couple of little things that aren't really a big deal.

He is quite passive. He never falls out with anyone and it would be really easy for someone to take advantage of him because he's so bloody nice. But it means he lacks boundaries.

I tried to talk to him about how it made me feel but I'm not great at that and I don't really want to sound like I'm asking someone to change who they are because that's wrong and you accept someone as they are who you don't.