Is it really so much to ask?

[PileOfTowels]

I'm nearly 50.

I've never had a relationship last more than a few months because I won't tie myself up in knots trying to make myself OK with a man who doesn't make me happy.

I've been with someone for nearly a year - so he's lasted a longer than any of the others! - but I'm fast moving to the point of needing to end it because I don't feel 100% valued and respected. I'm going to speak with him when I see him next.

Is it me? Do I expect too much? Do other women tolerate much more? Where am I going wrong?

I know a relationship isn't the be all and end all but the vast majority people have at least one successful relationship behind them by my age.

Please can we be friends too lol!!

I'm the same way, 38 this month and entirely single. I would love a quality, loving relationship but in reality there are too many things I can't tolerate and although I'm far from perfect myself I am very wary about letting people into the somewhat peaceful life I have managed to create for myself.

The truth is everytime I've tried to get a relationship off the ground - even with the good ones - it has only ended up making my life harder and more irritating. If they are not going to make me feel happier and I'm gritting my teeth so often, what's the point?

Also I am (or used to be when I saw people more regularly) told I'm too fussy. I am NOT too fussy. I don't need to drop my standards. Other people need to raise theirs. I don't think I'm a Princess, I don't think I'm too good for people. I just know the kind of partner I want to have and if he doesn't exist in reality or if it's too much to ask for someone who isn't stingy, non committal, smokes weed, flaky etc then as "sad and lonely" as it is (I agree) it's the best of a bad choice.

I guess if you don't want children and a partner to raise them with, there is less of a need/impetus to bother with a relationship. For a lot of people, it is a pragmatic choice to stay in a couple: to procreate, financial 'upgrade'/security someone to listen to your complain about your day etc. fear of loneliness etc. Most women wouldn't have the lifestyles they have had it not been for being partnered up. Good on you!

It is and I do have things I wouldn't have if I had wanted children, or if I'd settled for someone I didn't really love. A tidy, quiet home. Reasonably financially secure. Freedom, able to do things on a whim etc. My own space, which I couldn't do without. Queen of my own castle if you like. Not putting up with the usual irritating shit people have to suffer in relationships or parenthood. But then... there are times when it's very upsetting. OP will relate I'm sure. Being long term single equals very little emotional support, yes friends offer to listen if you are worried or upset about something but it's not the same as having a little unit of your own. Or if you just happen to really fancy some adult conversation one night and nobody is sat on the sofa next to you. Don't get me started on Christmas. Pondering over failed relationships, painful memories and wondering why and what we did wrong to not just fit in and have a partner like everyone else instead of being let down by people. It's very, very hard sometimes. Swings and roundabouts I suppose.

I think that your boyfriend has got it right. Your 'friend' is spiteful and jealous and I think this is more about her feelings towards you than him. She is looking to you for a reaction and enjoying making you uncomfortable. I bet she doesn't even fancy him, she's just enjoying winding you up knowing that there's no risk of anything happening there.
I think if you dump him you'll be playing into her hands and suddenly her interest in him will disappear.

ItWasJustifiedHeWasACunt

❤ I get all of that...

I think he's right too. I said previously that she said she didn't like me when she first met me because she thought I'd stolen her mantle as the attractive, desirable one in the group. I don't really care whether all the men fancy me or none of them do but, for some reason, it's really important to her.

I know she doesn't fancy him amd it wouldn't matter if she did.

It's the disrespect. If I walk away, it won't be because of her but because of the fact he didn't shut it down and I don't feel safe.

They're all going out for a night out next week. For various reasons, I can't go. If she starts up with it again in my absence, I've no idea how he'd respond so it's making me feel anxious.

And that's exactly the feeling I don't want to live with.

Him ignoring it initially was understandable and the way a lot of people handle unpleasant inappropriate behaviour.
They don't reward it with acknowledgement, much like you deal with a toddler.

However continuing with that tactic when it clearly isn't working and has caused the OP to mention that she finds it unpleasant, is disrespectful.

His need to be passive is great than his regard for the OP and how she is effected by this.

That is HiS choice.

The OP has choices too, to not wish to continue to be with someone who clearly is more concerned with his comfort than hers.

I wouldn't hesitate to say dump her if the OP was a man.

It just sounds like you have your head screwed on and know what you want from a partner to me @PileOfTowels x

That's pretty much how I feel about it. Ignoring would have been fine if it had worked. But it didn't.

It's not that i expected him to do it the way I would deal with it (although I do it that way because it works) but I did expect him to put a stop to it.

He said he'd speak to her directly if it became necessary. He didn't and then I ended up being the one who had to do it, which wasn't fair on me. And has destroyed any chance of me and her getting past it and at least being friendly again.

Op, do give it a rest now 7 pages in? What else can be said on the matter? Just finish it

He said he'd speak to her directly if it became necessary. He didn't and then I ended up being the one who had to do it, which wasn't fair on me. And has destroyed any chance of me and her getting past it and at least being friendly again.

It sounds like she is the one that has destroyed any chance of you and her getting past it. Not him. He isn't responsible for her behaviour. Fine is you don't feel you can trust him. But this comment just doesn't make sense in the context of everything else you have said.

Other threads are available...

You say seven pages like she's writing a story for you. It's a day and a half in her (real) life.

Who really knows what's real? It's someone writing their version of a story on the internet

Ask him to try some of these:

www.sparknotes.com/blog/30-ways-to-respond-to-unwanted-flirting-with-shakespeare-quotes/

1. “O, speak no more, for I have heard too much.”
2. “More of your conversation would infect my brain.”
3. “I scorn you, scurvy companion.”
4. “Pray you stand further from me.”
5. “I think thou art an ass.”
6. “Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away!”
7. “Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat!”
8. “Out of my sight! thou dost infect my eyes.”
9. “What noise is this? Give me my long sword, ho!”

10. “You, minion, are too saucy.” 11. “Thou art a boil, a plague sore.” 12. “Get thee to a nunnery, go.” 13. “Thou art too base to be acknowledged.” 14. “Away! thou’rt a knave.” 15. “Away, you three-inch fool!”

etc..........

🤣

@AcetoneForMyPhone, that’s brilliant! 😂

OP

So he said he'd deal with it, if it necessary and didn't.

And then you had to.

You see I would view this as a lie.

He told you he would do something, then he didn't.

He misled you.
He isn't reliable.

He isn't passive.
He's weak and isn't someone who will put himself out for you.

He doesn't have your back in this.

You have every reason to no longer wish to be investing your time and energy in him..

On a personal level, the having to speak to this woman would have been enough for me.

I wouldn't have done it.
i would have dumped him.

But that's me.

He feels that I should feel secure enough in his love for me that I ignore it. He knows that he loves me and isn't interested in her or her antics and sees it as just silly attention seeking on her part Maybe someone else would and maybe I will at some point but, at the moment, I just can't.

You could say then, that you are disrespecting him by repeatedly being anxious that he will suddenly become interested in her when he has told you that he loves you and thinks she is being silly.

He said he'd speak to her directly if it became necessary. He didn't and then I ended up being the one who had to do it, which wasn't fair on me.

It was fair because you are the one who has an issue with her behaviour. Your other option was to listen to your partner when he told you that he loves you and that he thinks she is being silly.

I agree. All the other reasons you listed for dumping your exes were important. But this seems like something worth at least discussing with him more before giving up on him.

I remember your previous post about this @PileOfTowels. Have you spoken to him yet? I hope so, and I hope it went well

No, I haven't 🙄

I don't want our relationship or conversations to become about this. We're spending all weekend together so no doubt the opportunity will arise.

I know he has no interest in her. My issue isn't that (and never was) and, tbh, now I've spoken to her, my issue isn't really her. It's more about how the whole thing has rocked my confidence in him a bit.

I've not been in this exact situation before. And I had no idea what to expect in terms of my feelings on it.