Is it really so much to ask?

[PileOfTowels]

I'm nearly 50.

I've never had a relationship last more than a few months because I won't tie myself up in knots trying to make myself OK with a man who doesn't make me happy.

I've been with someone for nearly a year - so he's lasted a longer than any of the others! - but I'm fast moving to the point of needing to end it because I don't feel 100% valued and respected. I'm going to speak with him when I see him next.

Is it me? Do I expect too much? Do other women tolerate much more? Where am I going wrong?

I know a relationship isn't the be all and end all but the vast majority people have at least one successful relationship behind them by my age.

No but perhaps you need therapy to understand what is and isn’t disrespect. Because you do seem to be making a huge fuss over very little.

I haven't made any plans to see him yet this week. I think I'm going to have to tell him how it's made me feel generally and how it's changed the 'bigger picture' for me and see what he says.

I don't need therapy to unpick my boundaries. I'm happy with them.

The thing is though you're not asking him to change who he is. You're telling him where your boundaries are and what's acceptable to you. If you're not presenting it as an ultimatum, you're just giving him a chance to make his own mind up. There's a clarity in that but it's not controlling. If you don't make it very clear how you feel then you're expecting him to read your mind, which isn't very fair either.

I must admit I'd be very upset if someone dumped me when they hadn't been very explicit about how important certain things were to them in advance.

Another thing is that having that discussion might help him to start developing his own boundaries. I grew up in a family where you weren't allowed to have boundaries and learning to set them has important my life immeasurably. But it's also worth considering that sometimes boundaries can be too rigid, which can cause as many issues as those that are too lax.

I must admit I'd be very upset if someone dumped me when they hadn't been very explicit about how important certain things were to them in advance.

Yes, that is a good point.

I thought I had but it's possible I haven't been clear enough.

Honestly, I think your reaction to this woman is OTT and ignoring her completely in a group setting is inappropriate and rude.

Having said that, I don't thin you have to stay with anyone if you don't feel they're meeting your needs. That's true x1000 if you don't have children and other commitments together. So feel free to move on if you like.

But it does certainly sound like you don't compromise. Compromising isn't just agreeing to watch an action movie when you prefer dramas. Sometimes it's accepting that someone's approach and thinking may well be different to yours.

Honestly, I think your reaction to this woman is OTT and ignoring her completely in a group setting is inappropriate and rude.

Most people wouldn't have noticed. In a large group of people, how many of them do you think you meaningfully interact with across 2 hours in the pub when you're sitting around a table but not next to them?

Why would I waste time talking to someone I have no interest in spending any time with?

Those who don't know won't have noticed. Those who do know why.

Well fine then. But you did come on here wondering why at 50 you are still on your own. And you give an example whereby you have reacted much more strongly than seems normal, but then you get huffy when posters mention it! I’m out.

You’ve got good boundaries and I strongly believe it’s better to be single than have to erode your boundaries, even a little bit. Mine are very strong now but I’ve had mental health issues throughout young adulthood and I genuinely believe that if I’d been mentally healthy all my life, I wouldn’t have dated a good 95% of my exes.

Tbh, I've arrived at this point after decades of being understanding, making excuses, giving the benefit of the doubt. And that didn't help me either 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm just imagining if this was reversed, some man flirted with me, I didn't shut it down in the way my partner wanted it to but did what I could to stop the situation without making a big deal of it, apologised to my partner when he told me he thought my reaction was too passive, ignored the man in company because my husband wanted me too.... It's all a bit concerning and I would feel increasingly uncomfortable with how my husband was treating me. If I learned he was questioning the relationship and my integrity, just based on this I would be like.... what is going on here? You have a very black and white view of relationships and you seem comfortable with that, but you don't seem comfortable with the lack of relationships in your life, and it does sound like their is some correlation there. I would say the reason you are taking so long trying to decide what to is because something about your reaction isn't clear? You have doubts. This isn't as simple as ending a relationship because someone put down your looks or was an alcoholic, it is much subtler (in my opinion anyway). Your partner hasn't behaved in ways that are out of character for him, and you like his character.

I hope you manage to work it out so you are comfortable.

I think your reaction is maybe a little strong, but it warrants a discussion to make him explicitly aware of how you felt, why and what you expect from a relationship.
At this point you both know where you stand and can move forward and see what happens next.
If the way he behaved matters to you and he isn't prepared to compromise his responses to fit in with that, then it is completely acceptable if you want to end things.
That said, you may never find someone who will fit and that's the choice you make.
We all have things we are prepared to compromise on and then there's those that we aren't. Some, we only find out along the way as we come into contact with them.
It's important for you to make choices based on you and how you feel and the compromises you are prepared to make.

I had behaviours I disliked and wasn't prepared to compromise on. But then when they happened I was married, owned a home and had a young child. Suddenly I didn't have the strength to really deal with the behaviour and just cracked on. I am not sure I have been happy since and am now working through the trauma that it caused to my self worth at a time when cost of living is going up and it feels even more scary as I have created a long standing life with this person and it will have even more fallout.

I admire people who are strong in how they feel and are decisive, but you have to be prepared that may mean being alone as I expect a majority of people who have had long term relationships before your age have made bigger compromises (because that was their choice)

A one off flirt would be nothing. This had been going on for months. She was touching him unwantedly, inserting herself between us amongst other things. To the point where other people had noticed and were taking the piss. It was humiliating for me, uncomfortable for him and people were speaking badly about her and questioning her motives and her marriage behind her back. Whatever I might think of her, I wasn't comfortable with that either.

He should have dealt with it properly. And by properly i mean in a way that would have stopped it. Not necessarily how i would have done it.

Someone I've known for over 25 years tried it on with me when he knew I was with this man. I told him to stop and haven't seen him since. None of this avoiding and hoping he'd get the message.

I don't want to end things with him. I love him (that old chestnut) and, in every other way, he's perfect for me. But i don't want to have to suppress my feelings or pretend I'm OK with something I'm not or feel uncomfortable for the sake of having a boyfriend.

I'm just disappointed that I wasn't more important to him.

It sounds like you've made up your mind then. His way of dealing with it is not, and never will be acceptable you. Your OP is titled "Is it really too much to ask?", but it doesn't matter what anyone else would do. If I was in your situation I would find it frustrating, but I wouldn't end the relationship over it, because my frustration would be at the woman and not my husband. It sounds like your partner made it clear you were together, ignored comments and avoided her where he could. That would be enough for me. It's not enough for you and that's all you can really work with.

VJasper86

Yes, I take your point.

When we have talked about it (which hasn't been often) we shared our feelings on it openly. He said he didn't want to say anything directly and I respected his approach because I'm not going to tell him what to do. I didn't think it would work at the time and said so but it was what he wanted to do and so that's what happened. If it had worked then there wouldn't be an issue.

But it didn't and its now left me feeling like he doesn't have my back and I'm not sure if I can trust him and what would happen if I wasn't there and she tried something? Would he feel more confident in saying, "Look, why are you doing this? You know I don't want you to?" Or would he let her carry on to avoid upsetting her? How far would he let something go to not make someone else feel uncomfortable or awkward?

And those are questions I don't have the answers for.

I know he wouldn't actively cheat. I'm confident of that but how far would he let lines be blurred for the easy option?

I wouldn't end the relationship over it, because my frustration would be at the woman and not my husband.

But at what point would it stop being a 'her' problem and start being a boyfriend problem for you? Not being antagonistic, genuinely asking because I accept some of my boundaries might be 'too' rigid.

This went on for months. Not one evening or a couple of weeks. Months. And she flippantly told me she knew he fancied her (he doesn't but she thinks he does for some reason) but that she wouldn't do anything because she was my friend.

My frustration is at her but I can't stop it and, so far, it's been a presence for the most part of our relationship! He can stop it.

I wouldn't end the relationship over it, because my frustration would be at the woman and not my husband.

But at what point would it stop being a 'her' problem and start being a boyfriend problem for you? Not being antagonistic, genuinely asking because I accept some of my boundaries might be 'too' rigid.

This went on for months. Not one evening or a couple of weeks. Months. And she flippantly told me she knew he fancied her (he doesn't but she thinks he does for some reason) but that she wouldn't do anything because she was my friend.

My frustration is at her but I can't stop it and, so far, it's been a presence for the most part of our relationship! He can stop it.

He was being totally avoidant, hoping the problem would go away if he backed away from it/hid. This made you feel unsafe, understandably - because he refused to take ownership of the situation.

You need to talk to him and be very open about what you need him to do and what that means for you. Then he can decide. Then, you’ll know.

I know in an ideal world he would have already taken a stronger approach and shut this woman down, but presumably his Mr Nice Guy conditioning made that hard for him.

Be honest and see what happens.

I think you may have had an entirely different reception here if you’d made it clear in your original post that this has been going on for months for the majority of your relationship, and that she had become bold enough to be virtually taunting you that she knows he fancies her!

This is totally unacceptable! And yes he needs to do something about it. And yes it’s totally a dealbreaker event!

I think your boundaries are fine. And although you might not have wanted to have told him what to do, it's acceptable to tell him that what he is doing isn't working for you.

It wouldn't have worked for me either! Plainly his avoidant approach didn't work for him because the woman didn't back off. And that would have pissed me off too seeing him just avoiding the issue. Especially if it did go on for months.

He was being totally avoidant, hoping the problem would go away if he backed away from it/hid. This made you feel unsafe, understandably - because he refused to take ownership of the situation.

Yes. That is exactly it. It's made me feel unsafe.

You need to talk to him and be very open about what you need him to do and what that means for you. Then he can decide. Then, you’ll know.

Thank you. I will.

So had there ever been a relationship breakdown and you were somewhat responsible?

I don't know how useful my answer would be. My husband is very friendly and (very occasionally) women sometimes think that means something it doesn't. I think some woman are particularly flirty, but it doesn't bother me. It's just a part of life. I know in general he talks about me, makes it known that he's married etc, and he feels uncomfortable himself so avoids it when he can. I trust him. If someone got too blatant or took it too far, then that's not on my husband, I might get frustrated at the woman or I might tease him about it but it would get put aside, I prefer looking at the bigger picture. I don't see it as a reflection on me or my husband. If a woman excessively and inappropriately flirted then obviously she wouldn't be a friend to either of us but I can't say it would get in my head. I would be bothered if he was flirting back, or was being inappropriate himself. That would be my boundary. So far I've never had any concerns and I don't worry too much about what might happen. I'm late 40's and have been married for a long time so it is a different situation, I like my boundaries, they work for me. Your boundaries are different and you need to work out what works for you. It sounds like the entire situation has made a big impact on the relationship, that otherwise sounds good. I just think it is a bit of a shame.

Having read your responses you do seem to have your head screwed on and your shit together OP.
The only thing I’d second from what PPs have said is about expecting from others based on what “I would do” - we can’t really base our expectations on behaviour on this because there are so many factors that Contribute to why someone acts or reacts the way they do. You could maybe set an baseline level of what you’d accept from a person in general but looking at life with the singular perspective of “this is what I’d do” would lead you to be disappointed a lot. Because no one else is you, we’re all different.

I don’t see anything wrong with cutting off the people who hurt or disappoint you. It makes sense, as long as you are sure you are also allowing people to make mistakes and Keane and grow. None of us are the finished article, I know for sure I really messed up in my relationship early on - not because I wanted to hurt anyone but because I was still learning - I still am learning. I’m grateful that my partner accepts my weaknesses and failings and I accept his. We talk them out, find compromise, learn lessons, do better next time.

Again, no one is the finished article and perhaps standards shouldn’t be lowered but tolerance and understanding/ acceptance of human nature and weaknesses could be increased.

When i was 21, a man dumped me because he thought I was allowing myself to be controlled by my best friend at the time and always checked with her before I'd agree to doing anything with him. On reflection, he was right.

When I was 22 a man dumped me because I wasn't into BDSM.

3 years ago a man dumped me because he hadn't considered my feelings or communicated with me and I addressed it with him. It was a bit of a long distance thing and I'd gone to his for the weekend to discover that he'd invited some of his friends to also stay. I said that, as it was my weekend too and I was doing the travelling, I'd have liked to have been consulted or at least considered in the plans. He dumped me for being unreasonable.

Those are the only times I've ever been dumped.