Is it really so much to ask?

[PileOfTowels]

I'm nearly 50.

I've never had a relationship last more than a few months because I won't tie myself up in knots trying to make myself OK with a man who doesn't make me happy.

I've been with someone for nearly a year - so he's lasted a longer than any of the others! - but I'm fast moving to the point of needing to end it because I don't feel 100% valued and respected. I'm going to speak with him when I see him next.

Is it me? Do I expect too much? Do other women tolerate much more? Where am I going wrong?

I know a relationship isn't the be all and end all but the vast majority people have at least one successful relationship behind them by my age.

Thank you. That's a good idea.

Love your name too. Saw The Hives earlier this year for the first time. They were great.

@gannett

"At 30 I was in your situation and was happy for it to last indefinitely. Meeting DP was more down to luck than anything else.
I have never understood people for whom it's more important to be in A Couple than the person they're in a couple with."

^^
This in spades.
I was on my own for 15 years after a divorce, until I met my 2nd husband.
I got a lot of flack from so-called friends who made comments like I was "too fussy", and that I would never find anyone unless I "loosened up".

In that time I watched these married people get divorced, and single people have repeated affairs with married men that all came to grief. One girl is now on her 6th, yes - you read that right sixth husband ! - she's 65.

My guy isn't perfect, he can be untidy and forgetful, but he's kind and considerate. We have some interests in common and enough separate ones to have something different to talk about.

I always believed that there was a 'lid for every pot' and kept that thought in the forefront of my mind each time I ditched some selfish, unreliable bozo.

Oh OP, I am not asking you to do anything, I totally get why you are feeling the way that you do about the relationship and I totally get why the whole chaotic nature of things has gotten to you, but honestly, I am kind of hoping the talk with your bf goes well, that he gives you some reassurances and that you are able to come to a place where you feel comfortable in the relationship. This is quite an unusual situation (most women wouldn't continue to harass a man for months who clearly wasn't interested). It sounds like your bf really appreciates you, and I hope that, even if it doesn't work out that you are able to take something positive from it all.

I've been single for most of my adult life. I certainly haven't chased a relationship. I've always felt more content when single than in a relationship because navigating other people is hard. I have a couple of years single and then maybe consider it again.

Getting together with him felt somewhat serendipitous. We'd known each other as friends for a few years and then this just came out of nowhere. Crashing in from left field. I think it took us both my surprise. He said he'd been in love with me for a couple of years (it was common knowledge apparently but obviously I didn't have a clue) but didn't think I'd even consider him because of the age difference. I had no idea.

Aside from this, it's perfect.

Op, if this is the best man you've met in 50 years I'd give serious energy to letting this pass. Try to see it not as dis respect to you, it really doesn't seem like he was dis respecting you, he just handled it differently to how you would.
Unless you somehow meet a literal clone of yourself then there's always going to be the odd thing about people, as no one is perfect. He sounds good enough.
I'd try to re frame this situation in your mind so that's it doesn't feel like dis respect, as I really don't think that's what it was.
If you can't bend a little occasionally, then yes I do think you'll be mostly single, with a series of short, enjoyable relationships that don't last.
If that's not what you want, I think you need to allow him his odd 'imperfections'.

I can relate to so much of what you have said, makes perfect sense. Sounds like you encountered a brilliant GP. You are very strong, smart, and an inspiration. I really enjoyed reading what you shared today.

I hope he is able to accommodate you in this. I wish you both all the happiness in the world. Both fingers crossed for you.

Will you update us?

Also, does he have any single siblings? 😂😝

Thank you for this post

I have had so called 'friends' make utterly spineline remarks to me regarding my single status as a woman in her 30s.

One said and I quote (via a message)

'You are so desperate to settle down and have children but you just cannot seem to find anyone and everyone else can. Haha what do you do to them'.
I have never forgotten it
The same woman when I tried online dating last year - I told her I had matched with three guys. She said 'surely you will finally be able to make something work with one of them' (I had never met any of them)
She also said 'oh you better hurry up, your getting on'.
Multiple little digs like this. All the while she met her new fiance two minutes after her last boyfriend and her ended on bumble. The hyprocristy. I am still in therapy and coming to terms with the things she said to me.

I always believed that there was a 'lid for every pot' and kept that thought in the forefront of my mind each time I ditched some selfish, unreliable bozo.

It really felt that I had found my lid. Or my pot. I don't want the stupid, childish behaviour of someone else to ruin it.

But I do need to be clear with him about how I feel because its actually his response to it that has upset me more than her behaviour.

She is irritating but irrelevant.

Ilovemycat1

❤

People are so thoughtless and cruel at times.

Don't blame you having doubts.
If he'd just been a man and told her straight you wouldn't have had to sit in a group and blank her like she is a ghost. I think that's pretty horrible tbh but I also blame him, he wouldn't put a fence around you two when he needed to. Why not??

I'm single and I put up with nothing. The two are connected! But being single suits me.

This is awful! Then you’ve done the right thing.

What sort of men do you go for?

Exactly what I was thinking about the other posts. It's been going on for months.

Personally I'd be slightly annoyed but not a deal breaker. The fact it's such an issue for you to post 3 or 4 times over the course of several months suggests it's a deal breaker for you.

I could be remembering incorrectly but is your flirty friend not married and just a generally flirty person?

Hello OP
I fully respect your general reasons for ending relationships. You should not put up with crap.
But I also echo the other posters here who say you might persevere with your current partner as he seems to be such a good one.
I know you have decided to communicate with him about your boundaries to see what his response is.
When you do that communication, may I suggest you indicate that you actually feel vulnerable. You might sometimes come across as someone who lays down the law, but behind your boundaries is a fear of being hurt again. This is something which might have passed him by. I think it might do both you and him a bit of good for just a couple of minutes to acknowledge your vulnerability (both yours and his) and try and have a bit of compassion for yourselves. I don't know where it might lead, but I think it is important not to miss out this emotional component of your experience.
I say this as a fellow 49-year-old with a smattering of ASD genes from relatives.
All the best.
xx

Hi OP I can empathise somewhat. I have been in a relationship for eight years but I am miserable. He is a good man and I don't think my misery is his fault, I just don't think I'm built to be in a relationship, at least not living with someone. I dream of my own place but it's complicated because of children involved.

You don't have to settle down OP. There's no right way to live a life.

But if you do want to find a life partner, you are going to have to relax. That's not to say accept any of the stuff on your (surprisingly long and negative) list. I mean, no, the average person doesn't put up with any of that. But equally, the average decent bloke also doesn't do any of that.

Despite you maybe thinking you have it nailed in terms of what makes a good partner, I actually think you're quite off the mark. Integrity, respect etc all great and necessary qualities. But you also want a human, no? Well no human, including you, responses perfectly in every situation.

Are your friends perfect? I find it surprising you can maintain any relationship with your high standards.

Should you wait for someone who's a decent person, with good values and a nice manner? Yes.

Should you dump someone for not knowing or having the confidence to deal with an awkward situation? Of course not. It's annoying, but that's life.

OP - I admire your standards, I do. And you don't have to change anything. But if you don't change your approach, then I guarantee you will grow old alone (which maybe you're ok with). No one is perfect and you have probably never been in a relationship long enough to experience the ebbs and flows.

OP your later posts make it more obvious why it's a problem, and I can understand, I had a different situation with my dp about 6 months in where out of me, him, and his ex I was the one who had to experience discomfort, when it wasn't my issue and entirely in his hands to put it where it belonged. He can also be passive, very kind....doesnt like to upset people. But ultimately if you keep sitting on the fence eventually everyone is pissed off.

Like you I also don't like to control or change someone, however as an old therapist once said to me 'you dont have the right to try to change someone but you have the right to invite them to change' I had to be very explicit with my dp about the similar situation. The way I put it was, in the order of who's comfort was a priority, mine was at the bottom in this situation. And as a partner, besides children, I cant accept that. Its not what I want. He changed his approach, in a lasting way. Sometimes people just don't understand the nuance of how it is for you. So id definitely try to offer that insight before you end what is, as you say, a good relationship in every other way x

You say you're in your 50s Op?

Have you started to go through the menopause? When you come out on the other side, you may see things more clearly. It could be your hormones at play here too.

What do you want to get out of a romantic relationship?

xJoyfulCalmWisdomx

Tbh, I agree with you and don't really want to sit there with such strong feelings about her. He knows that she 'taunted' (as someone else put it) me by saying he obviously fancied her but I was safe because she wouldn't do anything as she was my friend. He also knows that whenever she was OTT with him - stroking him, leaning her head on his shoulder, hugs from behind etc, she would look at me either over his shoulder or turn to me immediately afterwards and smile.

In that respect, I don't think she really deserves my consideration for her feelings, if I'm honest.

He genuinely hoped/believed that, if he ignored/avoided her, she'd lose interest amd stop or get the hint it was unwelcome. But she didn't. It happened less because she had less opportunity but it didn't stop her and she didn't take the hint.

I could be remembering incorrectly but is your flirty friend not married and just a generally flirty person?

She is but she ramped it up massively with him once we got together. Other people noticed and commented. He had one of the blokes taking the piss that she had developed a crush on him; someone else said she must have really low self esteem to be so attention seeking and another questioned the state of her marriage. My boyfriend thinks she's got a problem with me and it's driven by jealousy and spite.

Sadly, it is a deal breaker for me. I did have a lengthy discussion with him a couple of weeks ago and told him I'd drop out of the hobby we all do together. My role is necessary and it would be difficult to replace so I'm reluctant to do that because it would affect everyone. I also feel that if I was pushed to do that, then it would definitely be the end for me and him regardless of anything else.

But because he hasn't tackled it effectively himself, it hasn't gone away. And she was back with a bit of a flirty innuendo aimed at him in the group chat the other night which everyone ignored.

My leaving the group is on a bit of a hiatus at the moment. Anything at all now, and I'm out. And I think he needs to understand that.

I'm annoyed with her because she was supposed to be my friend. I'm annoyed with him because its his failure to put a stop to it that has meant its got to the stage it has. If he'd nipped it in the bud there's no way it would have escalated to this point.

And his passivity in it has damaged my trust in him to protect our relationship.

Should you dump someone for not knowing or having the confidence to deal with an awkward situation? Of course not. It's annoying, but that's life.

There is no 'should' about it. I wouldn't be dumping him for not knowing or having the confidence to deal with an awkward situation, I'd be choosing to walk away from a situation that disturbs my peace of mind. Protecting myself from emotional harm rather than punishing him for wrong behaviour. I don't want to become someone I have worked very hard not to be because of it.

Forcefield

Thank you. You made a good point about the vulnerability and fear of being hurt. He feels that I should feel secure enough in his love for me that I ignore it. He knows that he loves me and isn't interested in her or her antics and sees it as just silly attention seeking on her part Maybe someone else would and maybe I will at some point but, at the moment, I just can't.

It sounds really that the woman is an external threat to your relationship, and you do not like how your bf has coped with the external threat. Relationships go through testing/trying periods and sometimes they break and sometimes they don't. But I would say, in my experience, there is always something. It could be internal i.e. health/financial/difference in expectations or external i.e. in laws interfere too much etc. I think this is the "work" that people talk of in a relationship. If you can work through this you would be better equipped for the next "threat" but it sounds like you are done, and that is okay, it just shows it isn't right maybe.

OP,

You have posted about this some months ago, I remember it quite well.

The hobby being dependent on you reminded me of it.

She is married but just can't bear that he is attached now, having been used to No.1 attractive group member.

I think you have given him every opportunity to do the right thing.

Of course he is diminished in your eyes by not firmly dealing with this.

I think he is a bit arrogant to assume that you will suck this up and just ignore it.

I certainly believe if the situation was reversed you would be told it was disrespectful and inappropriate behaviour.

If the hobby sinks as a result that is just the law of consequences and really not your responsibility.

I don't think it's arrogance. It is passivity and inexperience and a lot of burying his head in the sand But that doesn't change the outcome

I recognise her patterns of behaviour because I experienced it within a friendship about 4 years ago. And she has followed a very similar pattern. He hasn't seen it before and didn't realise the trajectory it would follow whereas I've accurately predicted each move she's made. As did others on my previous thread re rallying the troops/changing her tactic.

I'm going round to see him this afternoon after he finishes work. I'm going to read back through the thread and arm myself with a bullet list of points I want to make.

It's not something I want to discuss again. It's only been discussed 3 or 4 times as it is. But I will walk away if I have to.

I don't want to because in every other way he's perfect. And as for the hobby, it would impact on others but it would also impact on me. We have a lot of fun and I'd miss out on that.

As for the internal/external threat thing. That's a very good point. Him not dealing with this effectively has undermined my confidence in him. And I can't help that.

You sound quite controlling Op.
The fact your partner didn't behave as you'd expected him to, is creating a 6 page cuddle on MN. You appear to be unable to differentiate between genuine shitty behaviour and someone deciding to act differently to your expectations.

*kerfuffle even!

I don't think it is the least bit controlling to end a relationship because you don't like the way your partner handles a situation that impacts on you.

It's actually called boundaries and deal breakers.

MN is full of women in relationships where the feel their partner hasn't their back within the in law dynamic and it causes grief.

The OP can end a relationship for ANY reason.

It certainly isn't controlling.

Threats no scale of shitty behaviour. And I didn't say his behaviour was 'shitty',

I expected him to deal with the situation effectively and shut it down. He didn't. And so, months later, it's still ongoing and now, arguably, having a wider impact.