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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it really so much to ask?

172 replies

PileOfTowels · 09/08/2022 07:27

I'm nearly 50.

I've never had a relationship last more than a few months because I won't tie myself up in knots trying to make myself OK with a man who doesn't make me happy.

I've been with someone for nearly a year - so he's lasted a longer than any of the others! - but I'm fast moving to the point of needing to end it because I don't feel 100% valued and respected. I'm going to speak with him when I see him next.

Is it me? Do I expect too much? Do other women tolerate much more? Where am I going wrong?

I know a relationship isn't the be all and end all but the vast majority people have at least one successful relationship behind them by my age.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 09/08/2022 10:00

If you want a relationship to last you are going to have to make some compromises - but that should lead to greater overall happiness of a stable and mutual partnership.

It's fine to stay single if you feel unwilling to make compromises; nobody is forcing anyone to partner up. But if you want to sustain a partnership for longer itnsounds like you might need some therapy to understand why you put up so many boundaries around compromise

Original poster
PileOfTowels · 09/08/2022 10:06

I don't have issues around compromise. I'm quiet happy to compromise. I do, however, have issues around being treated disrespectfully.

I'm not going to have therapy to enable me to tolerate disrespect.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 09/08/2022 10:06

In this case: he had no intention of cheating and the woman got the message from both of you. Sure, in your ideal world he would have been the one to deliver that message, but does it really matter? She's been put in her place, you are seen as a unit and he is committed to you.
Compromise sometimes means admitting that you have to accept they will deal with difficult situations differently to you.

YukoandHiro · 09/08/2022 10:08

OP that's not what I was saying. But maybe you're interpreting differences of communication style as disrespect?

Of course things like cheating, drinking, being hypercritical if you etc are all hard boundaries that you were totally right to walk away from in the past.

Doggydarling · 09/08/2022 10:08

I think you'll be happier alone, it doesn't read like you actually want a relationship in all it involves. You are loking for your idea of perfection and I doubt you'll find it so you end up disappointed. I was fussy who I had relationships with but am now happily married to my perfectly imperfect man, I decided I could cope with his shortcomings but I doubt you could.

Original poster
PileOfTowels · 09/08/2022 10:13

YukoandHiro · 09/08/2022 10:06

In this case: he had no intention of cheating and the woman got the message from both of you. Sure, in your ideal world he would have been the one to deliver that message, but does it really matter? She's been put in her place, you are seen as a unit and he is committed to you.
Compromise sometimes means admitting that you have to accept they will deal with difficult situations differently to you.

He is uncomfortable with the whole thing.

We were all in the pub sitting around a table last week and I think he was quite surprised that I held my 'ignoring' so strongly. She just wasn't there to me. I think he interpreted it more as 'not actively seeking out her company'. I think he would be quite comfortable to chat in a group situation. But not 121.

He didn't speak to her either but I think he took his cue from me rather than wanting it to be so definite himsel. The problem is that that is more the approach he took before - ok in a group, not 121. Which meant that rather than saying to her once, "Stop flirting with me" or whatever, he was inadvertently sending mixed messages for months Which meant it carried on for ages and became quite uncomfortable.

He sees it as a friend who was being a bit silly for a while. I see it as 'not a friend. Gone.'

OP posts:
Original poster
PileOfTowels · 09/08/2022 10:15

Doggydarling · 09/08/2022 10:08

I think you'll be happier alone, it doesn't read like you actually want a relationship in all it involves. You are loking for your idea of perfection and I doubt you'll find it so you end up disappointed. I was fussy who I had relationships with but am now happily married to my perfectly imperfect man, I decided I could cope with his shortcomings but I doubt you could.

He has many imperfections. As do I. Those are the things that make him him and what I love about him.

But I can't be ok with feeling like I'm not respected on a very fundamental level.

OP posts:
Ilovemycat1 · 09/08/2022 10:15

No you are deadly sensible

The majority of couples tolerate each other as society pushes us to be partnered

The longer I have been single the less I tolerate

The stuff I used to tolerate in 20s breaks my heart

You sound awesome

Ilovemycat1 · 09/08/2022 10:18

PileOfTowels · 09/08/2022 09:36

I just switch off to people the minute I don't feel they're honest or trustworthy.

We are the same person

PM me and lets be friends ❤️

Original poster
PileOfTowels · 09/08/2022 10:18

I spoke with her a couple of weeks ago. It took until last night for her to make a flirty comment towards him in the group.chat. Nothing serious or big (just a silly innuendo) and it was ignored by everyone in the group. But I just don't want to have to deal with it anymore and wonder how far she will push it and how well he will push back.

It's nothing to do with me and yet it's affecting me.

OP posts:
housemaus · 09/08/2022 10:20

I do, however, have issues around being treated disrespectfully.

I think that's the key of this - I (and it seems, a fair few others on this thread), don't think that his behaviour was disrespectful, just a bit passive. And you are, of course, allowed to decide how you feel about something, but perhaps if you're calibrated slightly differently to the average on this issue, you're going to feel it's difficult to find someone who meets that.

Also you say you don't want to ask someone to change and that's 'wrong' - it's not, always. If DH behaved in a way I thought was rude or disrespectful, it's not wrong to say - "When you do X I don't like it, it makes me feel Y, would you consider doing Z instead?". He can meet you where you set a boundary, or not, but giving him the chance to do so isn't wrong. Nobody is ever going to behave perfectly all the time, but those conversations help finetune where you're both at.

Divebar2021 · 09/08/2022 10:20

I’m with him…. She’s let her emotions get away from her and been an idiot and your partner is trying to send her the message that he’s not interested without humiliating her in the group or making anyone else in the group feel uncomfortable about the horrible atmosphere. He sounds empathetic. Would you have honestly ignored her in the group setting if she’d spoken to you directly because I don’t view that as maintaining strong boundaries I view that as insecure.

Whiteflowers1 · 09/08/2022 10:20

I feel its a bit harsh to dump him over this when you've said yourself you're not great at telling him how you feel- maybe that is something you need to work on seeing as he's not living up to your expectations.

Do you expect him to read your mind?

Ilovemycat1 · 09/08/2022 10:20

YukoandHiro · 09/08/2022 10:00

If you want a relationship to last you are going to have to make some compromises - but that should lead to greater overall happiness of a stable and mutual partnership.

It's fine to stay single if you feel unwilling to make compromises; nobody is forcing anyone to partner up. But if you want to sustain a partnership for longer itnsounds like you might need some therapy to understand why you put up so many boundaries around compromise

She doesnt need therapy

None of the reasons mentioned for ending relationships are high standards - it is the bare minimal for avoiding a life of abuse

Original poster
PileOfTowels · 09/08/2022 10:24

Ilovemycat1 😁❤

I just know that, if the situation had been reversed, I'd have handled it very differently and a lot sooner.

I'd have been incensed that someone thought they could use me to be disrespectful to my partner (or anyone).

I ended a longstanding friendship 3 years ago because it became apparent that there were problems in the marriage and he was using me to piss his wife off. Not having it.

Prior to that, I ended a close friendship because she started having affairs with married men. We spoke about it and she said awful things about their wives who she knew nothing about. I'm not being complicit in that.

OP posts:
housemaus · 09/08/2022 10:26

PileOfTowels · 09/08/2022 10:13

He is uncomfortable with the whole thing.

We were all in the pub sitting around a table last week and I think he was quite surprised that I held my 'ignoring' so strongly. She just wasn't there to me. I think he interpreted it more as 'not actively seeking out her company'. I think he would be quite comfortable to chat in a group situation. But not 121.

He didn't speak to her either but I think he took his cue from me rather than wanting it to be so definite himsel. The problem is that that is more the approach he took before - ok in a group, not 121. Which meant that rather than saying to her once, "Stop flirting with me" or whatever, he was inadvertently sending mixed messages for months Which meant it carried on for ages and became quite uncomfortable.

He sees it as a friend who was being a bit silly for a while. I see it as 'not a friend. Gone.'

Show quote history

See, I think I would interpret your behaviour here as really rude - not to her, necessarily (she has shown obvious disrespect to you) but to everyone else. Obviously ignoring someone to the point it's noticeable in a group is quite odd, I think - a lot of people would go for the polite but cool 'don't make more than basic small talk', or swerve events where she was going. Otherwise, you're creating a very weird atmosphere and putting the people around you in a tricky position - obviously, it's your right to do so but I'd have felt the same as him in that scenario. Your inflexibility and pretending she didn't exist in mixed company is a bit childish and 'look at me, proving a point' - you can give someone the impression you're not keen on them without making it weird.

Also just because you see it one way doesn't mean he has to - he's allowed to handle a situation as he sees fit, it doesn't make him disrespectful just because he's not keen on playing 'I can't see you' in a group setting.

Tredofthemadness · 09/08/2022 10:28

I'm finding it hard to see what he did wrong here. He ignored her advances. Maybe nastier men would have told her to fuck off, is that what you wanted?

Watchkeys · 09/08/2022 10:31

@YukoandHiro

Compromise sometimes means admitting that you have to accept they will deal with difficult situations differently to you

And compatibility is recognising where you are each comfortable to compromise, and where you're not.

@PileOfTowels

I think lots of people accept substandard relationships, and I think a lot more people are single than you think. Whether you want to attend singles events or not, they are undeniably well populated. Does it feel better to think that many are in your position, and the reason that you're in that position is because you have a really healthy mindset? Your mindset is so healthy that some on the thread don't even recognise it, and think you need therapy!

Pyewhacket · 09/08/2022 10:34

I think you're templating your anxiety from previous failed relationships, onto everybody else you try and form a relationship with. And if you're looking for failings in people then eventually you'll find something to point a finger at, because nobody is perfect. So perhaps you are better off on your Jack Jones. Save all that disappointment.

Ilovemycat1 · 09/08/2022 10:34

PileOfTowels · 09/08/2022 10:24

Ilovemycat1 😁❤

I just know that, if the situation had been reversed, I'd have handled it very differently and a lot sooner.

I'd have been incensed that someone thought they could use me to be disrespectful to my partner (or anyone).

I ended a longstanding friendship 3 years ago because it became apparent that there were problems in the marriage and he was using me to piss his wife off. Not having it.

Prior to that, I ended a close friendship because she started having affairs with married men. We spoke about it and she said awful things about their wives who she knew nothing about. I'm not being complicit in that.

I ended a friendship with a woman who was having an affair too

I did not want to entertain the pantomime of their family events - everyone else can pretend they do not know - but not me.

I ended another friendship when I seen a woman openly flirting with a married man. Not for me.

I have found a soulmate in you ❤️ there is not many of us around 🙈

Ilovemycat1 · 09/08/2022 10:36

Watchkeys · 09/08/2022 10:31

@YukoandHiro

Compromise sometimes means admitting that you have to accept they will deal with difficult situations differently to you

And compatibility is recognising where you are each comfortable to compromise, and where you're not.

@PileOfTowels

I think lots of people accept substandard relationships, and I think a lot more people are single than you think. Whether you want to attend singles events or not, they are undeniably well populated. Does it feel better to think that many are in your position, and the reason that you're in that position is because you have a really healthy mindset? Your mindset is so healthy that some on the thread don't even recognise it, and think you need therapy!

@Watchkeys

Agree

OP is so ahead of the curve she could have been a sphere.

Guarentee the ones commenting that she needs therapy are partnered to their 'perfect man'.

DeadRight · 09/08/2022 10:45

I’m going to be lint and say that at 50, and never having had a long term relationship, I think it will be very hard to compromise to the extent needed to make a long relationship work. The best thing would be to find someone else very independent and not too needy, who you can have fun/sex/companionship with, but without too much pressure on long term commitment.

Relationships do take shit loads of compromise if they are going to go the distance. No way should we ever tolerate abuse, but in a long marriage there are definitely going to be times when you put the other persons needs first, sometimes for extended periods. It isn’t all about getting what you want or need at every given moment.

For some people, that’s not something they want to do, and that’s fine. But that’s the reality of committed, long term relationships.

Ive been married for 22 years, to a kind and wonderful man, but it’s just no realistic that all of those years would have been conflict free. It’s been tough at times as we grew as people and had different wants and needs at different times.

Im mid 40s now, and if my marriage ended I wouldn’t seek another long term relationship. I don’t have the emotional energy to forge that kind of bond and commitment with someone else. I’d be prioritising myself.

DeadRight · 09/08/2022 10:46

Bloody autocorrect.

lint + blunt

cansu · 09/08/2022 10:52

Maybe he simply did not see her comments as that important. You seem to be quite defensive and very hyper alert. Maybe he prefers to ignore rather than be confrontational. It sounds like he just has a different way of dealing with stuff your way is not necessarily the right way. By all means bin him off but you might find that no one measures up to your expectations.

CheekyHobson · 09/08/2022 10:52

Isn’t this the third or fourth thread you’ve posted about this situation? You’re getting the same mixed bag of answers. Some people think it’s fine for your partner to take the non-confrontational approach and some think he should have been direct.

If you really can’t stand his non-confrontational approach, then end it. But I think you’re dithering because this is where the rubber really does meet the road in relationships, and you have to decide whether this really is a dealbreaker.

Is his way of handling an awkward situation not of his making ideal? No, probably not. Is it tolerable given his many other good qualities? Yeah, probably. You can choose to freeze her out but it’s a bit of an extreme reaction for some silly flirting that hasn’t eventuated in any flirting back. Maybe it’s your issues around having to have everyone do things the way you would that need looking at.