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Original poster

Should I Take Him Back

140 replies

tayla82 · 07/08/2022 04:39

Hi All
i have been a single mother almost 8 years. I was in a relationship which I ended nearly a year ago. The only man I’ve had anything to do with since my divorce. He is a confident, intelligent, hard working man. His daughters are adult now and living away. My daughter is only 12. I moved away when I ended my relationship with him, wanting to start a fresh chapter. Although he’s mature and capable, he is fairly domineering and likes things his way and gets snappy easily. He never said sorry after a disagreement and I had to make the peace. He was always telling me how to parent yet didn’t want to spend time with my daughter. She misses the town we were in as her friends are there and often asks to move back although I’m happier where I am now. Anyway the ex has contacted me saying he still loves me and wants me to come back. He will travel up and come get me and my daughter and we can stay with him until affordable accommodation is available. He will help get me on my feet. However he hadn’t changed in his views on my daughter. He’s already telling me what I can and can’t do upon my return and when we are in his house temporarily, my daughter cannot have friends over and I cannot drop her at school or pick her up, she must catch the bus. I cannot lie by her at night which I do every night for 15 minutes as she gets anxiety. He’s telling me I must work more hours and a general list of “rules”.
I don’t want to be controlled and even though he seems like he wants me back in his life, it’s too conditional and he’s not prepared to be a positive meaningful role in my daughters life.
it’s not easy being alone and I have feelings for him still so am I silly for being very uncertain of accepting his offer?

OP posts:
unname · 07/08/2022 04:48

Silly for being uncertain? I think it’s alarming that you would even consider going back to him.

His rules are abusive and beyond controlling. If you don’t want to stay away for yourself, at least you must protect your daughter from this man.

Bootsandcat · 07/08/2022 04:52

God no. You know you won’t be happy because he hasn’t changed, you’ll then be living in his house under his rules and moved school for your daughter and then unable to leave when it goes south again

SproutsAtChristmas · 07/08/2022 04:57

How many red flags!! Do not go back - think of what messaged you're sending your DD too... As if it's ok to put him first even when he's controlling and emotionally abusive?!

Gaveitall · 07/08/2022 05:18

Do not do it.
Do not risk any further commitments to this individual.
Do not risk your daughter’s equilibrium with this controlling man.
What are you doing even to consider what he’s saying? Utter madness.
Good luck!

Coyoacan · 07/08/2022 05:43

And this is him trying to persuade you to move back!!! I hate to think how he would behave once the romance has worn off.

Aprilx · 07/08/2022 05:46

I can only add to the chorus of being incredulous that you are even thinking about it! The appropriate response would be a snort of derision. It is quite telling that you had to move away when you first split with him, that is quite extreme.

And he doesn’t love you by the way, he wants to collect you and own you.

SelfMadeWoman · 07/08/2022 05:52

No!

Original poster
tayla82 · 07/08/2022 05:55

I moved away because I’ve come to a town where I have cousins and I had been in the previous place so long and it was stagnant.
i will definitely put my daughter first and my freedom and sanity.
one of my closest and oldest friends who lives in that town I was in, told me I’m overthinking things and I should give it a go. This coming from the most protective mother I know!! Maybe deep down she just wants me back because our daughters are best friends, however I wanted the views of people out there who don’t know me personally because I don’t want to go back to him, yet here’s my closest friend saying yes give it a go!

OP posts:
velvetvixen · 07/08/2022 07:06

Heavens NO. Do not entertain this mad idea for one second. He sounds unhinged. Your poor daughter having had that POS forced into her life.

something2say · 07/08/2022 07:11

I'd clocked on by the time you wrote 'very confident.' I thought, arrogant, more like. And sure enough, he is controlling.

If you want to move back for your daughter, do so, but don't involve him. Happiness for you does not lie with him, I don't think.

50daysplus · 07/08/2022 07:12

I'm not sure why you would consider this and exposure your DD to this man. Don't you think his "rules" are OTT and controlling.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2022 07:12

My only question is WHY are you even asking if your should get back with him?

Surely it's a no brainer, unless you wish to become a stepford girlfriend and make your daughter's life worse.

Thing is, he hasn't found another woman to bow down to him in the last year, so he's hoping you'll agree.

PLEASE DON'T.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2022 07:18

one of my closest and oldest friends who lives in that town I was in, told me I’m overthinking things and I should give it a go.

What kind of friend tells you to have a relationship with such a controlling, domineering know it all of a man?

She says this after hearing his rules? I'm sorry, but with friends like this..... who needs enemies.

If it's for her daughter, she's VERY selfish.

yellowsmileyface · 07/08/2022 07:22

Of course you shouldn't get back with him. You know that. That's why you're posting here.

As for this "friend", she does not have your best interests at heart.

YesitsJacqueline · 07/08/2022 07:30

What am I missing? I'm failing to see the dilemma here.....are you totally codependent on this man?
My ex was / is very controlling so I understand and even now 4 years on he still tries to control my life. But it would be a cold day in hell before I ever got back with him !

Lalliella · 07/08/2022 08:00

You're a parent. You should put your daughter first. Absolutely no way should you move in with this man or even consider for one second getting back with him. Her life would be miserable. You would be miserable. He's an abusive, controlling piece of shit.

I would consider moving back to the town though, for your daughter's happiness. Why can't you do it without this man?

Fraaahnces · 07/08/2022 08:02

No way!!!

LondonWolf · 07/08/2022 08:14

I usually roll my eyes when posters say this on here but honestly for this...do you really need to ask?!

No you can't take him back. Think about what you'd be foisting onto your powerless 12 year old dd, who has no say in this.

Honestly you sound quite selfish as a parent. You've moved her away from her friends and everything she is familiar with, won't move back because because you prefer where you are even though she is unhappy and now you're asking should you disrupt her again to make her live with a bossy, controlling man. Poor child.

thethoughtfox · 07/08/2022 08:16

Stay the fuck away from this man.

LilyMarshall · 07/08/2022 08:17

Ffs op no. He is controlling and is openly telling you he will make your anxious daughter’s life miserable. Why would you even give it a minutes thought?!

Mabelface · 07/08/2022 08:47

You don't want to get back with him, so don't. It's no one else's decision.

Whatisthegoss · 07/08/2022 08:57

Stay where you are.
Join a club or start dating.

Original poster
tayla82 · 07/08/2022 09:03

Where I have moved to I have family support and my daughter is now in a good private school with great academics. There’s so much more to do recreationally here. She had 3 friends only where we were and they all came from dysfunctional homes, one of which had parents into drugs. She is around positive peers here and can aim for university one day if she chooses.

OP posts:
ItsSnowJokes · 07/08/2022 09:05

Put your daughter first by not getting with a man who wants to control you both and who you openly admit dislikes your daughter. Why would you do that to her?

I also don't understand why you had to move away just because you broke up with him. Why can't you move back and just not have anything to do with him?

minticecreamisjustok · 07/08/2022 09:05

No! he's too controlling, telling you to move back in with him straight away without re-building a relationship and telling you how to parent your daughter, what would she think about that.