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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I Take Him Back

140 replies

tayla82 · 07/08/2022 04:39

Hi All
i have been a single mother almost 8 years. I was in a relationship which I ended nearly a year ago. The only man I’ve had anything to do with since my divorce. He is a confident, intelligent, hard working man. His daughters are adult now and living away. My daughter is only 12. I moved away when I ended my relationship with him, wanting to start a fresh chapter. Although he’s mature and capable, he is fairly domineering and likes things his way and gets snappy easily. He never said sorry after a disagreement and I had to make the peace. He was always telling me how to parent yet didn’t want to spend time with my daughter. She misses the town we were in as her friends are there and often asks to move back although I’m happier where I am now. Anyway the ex has contacted me saying he still loves me and wants me to come back. He will travel up and come get me and my daughter and we can stay with him until affordable accommodation is available. He will help get me on my feet. However he hadn’t changed in his views on my daughter. He’s already telling me what I can and can’t do upon my return and when we are in his house temporarily, my daughter cannot have friends over and I cannot drop her at school or pick her up, she must catch the bus. I cannot lie by her at night which I do every night for 15 minutes as she gets anxiety. He’s telling me I must work more hours and a general list of “rules”.
I don’t want to be controlled and even though he seems like he wants me back in his life, it’s too conditional and he’s not prepared to be a positive meaningful role in my daughters life.
it’s not easy being alone and I have feelings for him still so am I silly for being very uncertain of accepting his offer?

OP posts:

Report

Tails79 · 15/04/2023 00:36

Thank you. I will look into the freedom program

emptythelitterbox · 14/04/2023 19:21

It can be hard to see red flags.
There is the freedom program you can take to learn about red flags and how to see them.

Look that up first and sign up for it.

There is also therapy too.

BMW6 · 14/04/2023 14:45

It's much sadder that some people fall for it.

There's an expression from 1950's
"There's a sucker born every minute"

Tails79 · 14/04/2023 12:34

It’s sad that someone is mainly only nice when trying to lure the other person back in. There’s a lot of people out there operate this way. Everything great when it’s going their way!

Tails79 · 14/04/2023 12:30

I will and I appreciate everyone’s advice and time.

minmooch · 14/04/2023 12:20

Op since August you have received so many posts telling you this man is bad news. Not one person has told you to even stay in contact with him.

Do yourself a huge favour - block him and keep him blocked.

Tails79 · 14/04/2023 08:51

I think I’m just too soft but he does have some good points and that’s what I focused on when I was dating him and just overlooked the red flags

LilyMarshall · 14/04/2023 08:11

Tails79 · 14/04/2023 02:13

He hasn’t offered us to live with him. He’s offered financial help to move back but says he won’t have anyone’s child living under his roof. He wants no involvement with her but still wants to tell me how to parent and tell me what a terrible job I’m doing. I would never have my child live in his home because he’s so domineering

I do not understand why you are still giving this man headspace.

Tails79 · 14/04/2023 07:37

It can be easy to get into these situations when you’ve not experienced any better. But also being far from home country, no family around. I’ve been a single mum many years. It can get lonely and then I become fearful but being single is better than being with the wrong person

barmycatmum · 14/04/2023 07:19

Geez. Is his name Fred West?

please have nothing to do with him

Tails79 · 14/04/2023 07:15

As mentioned earlier, I blocked him several times then caved into his requests and unblocked. He told me I’m not being fair to ghost him. I caused enough hurt when I left town. Then I feel bad and allow contact. I’ve not agreed to move back and neither will I. It can be hard to recognise red flags and be decisive for someone like me with BPD. I will not be in any future relationship with him

Limer · 14/04/2023 07:06

Bloody hell OP. You got loads of great advice last August, but it's now April and this piece of shit is still yanking your chain! Block him and keep him blocked. Why are your standards so low?

Tails79 · 14/04/2023 06:39

Yes I will. I wonder if he is good at pretending to be nice - for the times he is nice, or it’s genuine. Reading up on narcissism it says they are masters of illusion

emptythelitterbox · 14/04/2023 02:13

Good grief. Just delete and block this creep.

Tails79 · 14/04/2023 02:13

He hasn’t offered us to live with him. He’s offered financial help to move back but says he won’t have anyone’s child living under his roof. He wants no involvement with her but still wants to tell me how to parent and tell me what a terrible job I’m doing. I would never have my child live in his home because he’s so domineering

SammyScrounge · 14/04/2023 00:35

It is very silly to even consider going back to him. What will your daughter's.life be like living with him? No friends visiting, no spontaneity because the unexpected might set him off? What business of it of his if you give your girl lifts to school?
.He'll.squash the life out of the pair of you in no time. You know it's no life for your daughter.You have a choice in the matter. She doesn't.

Tails79 · 13/04/2023 23:12

I will do this

Tails79 · 13/04/2023 23:11

i agree because he knows I don’t like hurting anyone’s feelings

billy1966 · 13/04/2023 16:51

BMW6 · 13/04/2023 16:07

Blow up the bridge OP.

"I've been polite, you aren't listening. Now Fuck Off you pathetic old creep. Is this clear enough? I want NOTHING more to do with you"

Then block and stay blocked.

This.

"Pathetic OLD creep" covers it nicely.

Hallmark1234 · 13/04/2023 16:46

It's MANIPULATION pure and simple. Don't fall for it!

BMW6 · 13/04/2023 16:07

Blow up the bridge OP.

"I've been polite, you aren't listening. Now Fuck Off you pathetic old creep. Is this clear enough? I want NOTHING more to do with you"

Then block and stay blocked.

Tails79 · 13/04/2023 15:45

I blocked him several times and he emails (even though it goes to spam) saying please talk, don’t ghost me, we can be friends surely, hurting his feelings. And then I feel guilty and unblock him. This time I won’t give in

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Tails79 · 13/04/2023 12:17

Well I think he does like to bait me to get a reaction, then call me crazy and paranoid. But also probably does have nefarious intentions! Best he stays single so he can have his casual hook ups!!

Pinkbonbon · 13/04/2023 11:53

Tails79 · 13/04/2023 02:11

Yes I will. He was talking about coming to visit me - but stopping off overnight in a town where an ex girlfriend is. I asked if he will see her and he shouted at me saying why am I so inquisitive and have to know everything. He’s not trustworthy in my opinion

Sounds like he set you up by telling you he was stopping off in that town. He wanted you to enquire if he would see the ex. So he could shout at you and tell you 'you have issues'.

Tails79 · 13/04/2023 02:11

Yes I will. He was talking about coming to visit me - but stopping off overnight in a town where an ex girlfriend is. I asked if he will see her and he shouted at me saying why am I so inquisitive and have to know everything. He’s not trustworthy in my opinion

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